Thursday, September 4, 2008

HCwDB of the Month: Mooby Dick


In a hotly debated contest in which each of our four finalists drew support, The Moobster’s overwhelming douchitude was too much to overcome.

Even with a lesser hott, Mooby Dick’s victory proves that while a gorgeous girl may carry a lesser douche to a victory in a Weekly, an uberdouche is too toxic for anything to overcome.

sir douche-a-lot explains the reasoning:

My score is based on 2xD + 1xH. The douche must be given more weight as even if the site were just “With Douchebags”, it would be nearly as gawkeriffic. Given the fact that (gay or not) Mooby is wearing the douchiest ensemble known to man, there is no possible way for any hott in this pool to sufficiently inflate their respective douchebag’s score to claim victory. The other douchebags are just not douchey enough.

Well said Sir DAL. There is no doubt that a powerful douche can invoke rage even with a lesser hott. And I disagree with many of the posters, as I think Mooby’s girl is a solid cutie. the doucheman cometh continues:

Mooby. While the hott presence is no where near that of the Hourglass or The Mariner, it is the hott presence that makes those pictures at least somewhat tolerable.

Mooby on the other hand makes me want to take my eyes and refresh them in a nice hydrochloric acid bath in an attempt to burn any memory of having viewed such an atrocity.

And fidouchiary responsibility further elaborates on the Moobster’s win:

Though Janice has more than a handful of goodness and Hourglass makes me question my own sexuality (I’m a girl), Mooby is an affront that is all wholesome, round and perky wonder. By flaunting his Moobs, he degrades all boobies. Truly, after witnessing his douchousity, can you look on the pert orbs of Hourglass loveliness and not suffer flashbacks of the Moob?

Maybe the hott is not so much – maybe she is blocked out by his Dollywood mounds of puffed-up wrongness – but Mooby should take the monthly, if only for the fact that his awesome douchitude can make us all, for a moment, think unkind thoughts about boobies.

Very well argued F.R. I think there is the potential for brain damage due to the Moobster. hp lovechoad agrees:

Mooby climbs to the top of the primordial waste heap, single handedly setting back the human race 100,000 years. He is the missing link, the alpha and omega, the proto-douche from a land that time has unfortunately not forgotten. Is he drunk on animal traqs? Does he have Down’s Syndrome? Has he received a baseball bat to the dome? All these mysteries and so little time.

The mystery of the pic definitely contributes to its genius, HP. And ronnie explains the sheer revulsion factor:

Though the hott is a bit lacking Mooby ‘s shirt is the douchiest thing ive ever seen, i may have to wash my eyes out with Bleach

As a last minute sub for Crapser The Douchey Ghost (who will likely turn up in the rocker douche category at the Douchies), Squidward represented. gratz casts in:

Squidward for sure…

With all of my love, he gets the prize for selecting a permanent life appearance in exchange for a few years of boffing the shallowest silicone displays.

But the perfection of the Hourglass and the Beachbag came in a solid third. champagne douchernova makes the case:

I want to vote for Hourglass. Hers is not a shape that sailed a thousand ships. Hers is the shape that makes me want to kill babies. And by kill babies, I mean masturbate.

Her body perfection wipes away the fact theat she’ll resemble my 25 year old 1st baseman’s glove in about 8 years.

There is only the now, my friend. And her now is very now. And the dude reminds us of the everybag rage of The Rime of the Scrotey Mariner:

I’m going with Scrotey Mariner, for the boobies – there’s twice as many. Those girls smile like they’ve already met me. Scrotey is scowling like he already knows his fate. A giant fish will leap out of the water and bitch slap him.

Yes it will, dude. But it’s the Moobs all the way. coco is on the case like Macy’s:

Mooby Dick, for taking it to the next level and showing us a hereunto unseen douche wardrobe piece. It’s an anthropological find. Also with a history of being a monthly winner, it will hopefully give him a record that will render him unable to ever run for public office

And buffy the scrotebag slayer:

The power of the Moob is much too strong. It makes my brain melt and my eyeballs explode on contact. It causes me to consider joining a convent in hopes of escaping the sheer horror, but I doubt if becoming a nun would be enough protection from douchiness of this magnitude. Angels will weep and newborn babies will be slapped in the face at the sight of this monstrosity…

Indeed.

If anything, the female ‘bag hunting vote carried the Moobster to his “victory.” And by victory, I mean societal loss.

There will be much debating this Monthly, as all four pics had arguments for their selection. But if your favorite lost out, do not fret. The Hourglass will most certainly be seen again at the Douchies in December, and possibly Squidward and the Mariner as well (a boatbag category perhaps?).

Excellent work to all Cultural Douche Theorists for another excellent round of deconstruction and mock. The lacerating wrongness of the Moobster and his Perky Coed have earned their spot in the Yearly.

# posted by douchebag1

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