Wednesday, September 10, 2008

HCwDB of the Week: X-Lax


I had a feeling this week would be a domination by the orange suppository, and I was correct. douchey fogledouche explains:

The vote has to be for X-Lax. It’s a simple matter of completeness. While Megahead and Corey Hamster are serious contenders, they can’t complete with the completeness of X-Lax’s douchery.

It’s like he came up with a list to take with him to the douche Stop’n’Shop to pick up what he needs.

Douchey hair — check. Douchey look — check. Exotic hotts — check, check. Douche hand signal — check, check. Possessive arm grab of hotts — check, check. Gratuitous alcohol flaunt — check. General Douche Je ne sais quoi — check

So it’s X-Lax, for his careful attention to douche detail.

Well checklisted, Fogledouche. Didn’t Opus’s hot girlfriend have a tattoo of you on her butt? But back to X-Lax. douchington chodeskins tosses the pigskin and agrees:

X-lax … and it’s a joke that there even had to be a question about it. He has the other 2 out-douched by 78 clicks … and by clicks I mean orange.

Well put, D.C. bagnes of God agrees, making the case for the diuretics:

Sheer ubiquitousness of this asspipe make me want to vote for him, not to mention that blubbery, slack lower lip that I would love to snag with a four-pronged Dixie Jet from a fast-moving bass boat. The Hotts, while beginning to Bleeth, still have potential to be saved, and, sans ghoul makeup and laquer-head are still some pretty girls. However, they are tangled in this insidious web of doucherey, falling into the cheap vodka-scented hell of orange-spray-tanland and loving it. While I was really pulling for Cheeks, I’d have to say X-Lax certainly moves me in ways I don’t really like. Shoulda put less imitation butter flavoring on that popcorn last night…

I agree that The Cheeks had the uberdouche factor, but something was just a bit too creepy about them to give them Weekly status. However, Corey Hamster also found some votes, as cleopatra argues:

Corey Hamster. For that stupid “I take myself very seriously” face. The others are also very douchy. But the Hamster’s facial expression puts him over the top.

Well put, Cleo. the lone scroat agrees:

The Hamster, FTW. Fuchsia hott is smokin’ and his collar is wider than the wingspan of a 747.

And mr. biggs finds deep scrotal wrongness beneath the comedic veneer of Megahead, as did a number of other ‘bag hunters:

If we go by the rubric of hottie which attracts all humanity clinging onto a douche nobody cares for or respects, it would have to be Megahead FTW, followed by Hamster for a close second. This is because Hamster looks redeemable. Not the douche (though he’s still young) but the hott – she doesn’t look so attached, like she just keeps him around while looking around for something better.

Contrast that with megahead, where the hott is definitely showing signs of engagement, pressing such perfect cleavage firmly against old man flab. I think this is the last thing Oedipus really saw before he gouged his eyes out.

There is a very good chance The Hamster inspired many a Greek tragedy. But this was a stool softening domination.

douche douschofferson brings the 70s singer/songwriter ethos to the next level: X-LAX gets my emphatic vote.

odouchius: X-lax, because he makes it look easy. Even while ensnaring two sorority hotts and simultaneously throwing out dual hand gestures, there is no hint of tension or self doubt on that punchably perfect orange douch

scrotebob douchepants: Orange is enough to take the Weekly. X-Lax for the win. He’s the guy even I would have avoided in college.

And dunkterdouche brings home the solid victory:

There is just no contest here. X-Lax for the win. His body of work shows a transcendence form mere scrtoebaggerty into full blown Douchebaggery of the 3rd Kind. Throughout his body of work we see the most important hallmarks of a bag. From the tongue, the white tie all the way to the dealmaker, the kissy lips.

He makes me want to implement a national sterilization program.

Well said, DD. I was surprised at the Pedro fans, as he struck me as standard issue (and without hand gesture or sneer), but his hott was delectable. Maybe I’ll toss Pedro in next week’s Weekly, to give him his due. And by due, I mean poo.

But this is X-Lax’s day to shine like a polished turd. Chalk him and his bevy of rotating college hotts a slot in the Monthly. They’ve earned it.

# posted by douchebag1

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