Monday, October 6, 2008

HCwDB of the Month

Random discovery from my weekend adventures: If you hold your nose while eating Raisin Bran at 2am, it tastes vaguely like wood.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Short Boat

Perhaps wearing thin after a week or so of primary and secondary pics, The Short Boat is nonetheless bringing his bramble tatts and douche-face to the finals.

Not to be lost in this pic’s merit is the quartet of holy lemon sisters from the island of Sapphos, who rub each other with talc on their soft cherubic skin, then play footsies with feathers while giggling in melodic nasal tones.

Which is another way of saying boobies.

Lots and lots of boobies.

Boatbags have been popular this year, as acting like a douche on a boat with a hott seems a perfect HCwDB recipe.

But will The Short Boat have enough to take the Monthly?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: I Say, Old Chap

Substituting for the now legendary grown Prompa wrongness of Fung, welcome The Old Chap to the Monthly. Bringing in that retro 19th Century British mutton chop look, The Old Chap also brings a tiny peepee. And by “tiny peepee,” I mean shrinky dinky.

But that’s not why we mock the Old Chap.

It is not his fault the Gods are laughing at him.

We mock Old Chap for innovative douchal facial hair and X-Men fro.

And for sizing up a classic Nerdy Librarian Hott whose knees I would tickle with an ostrich feather, while reading her hand written James Joyce transcribed by a eunuch friar in Amsterdam.

She is lovely. And her utterly inexplicable tweety bird thigh tatts only further render her a riddle wrapped in an enigma surrounded by a mystery, surrounded by my drool.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Acey Douchey

A pro? Perhaps.

A douche? Without fail. Or with fail, as the case may be.

The overarching douche signifiers are so scrotally wrong, a distant Seagull just puked up his clams. This pud needs to be beaten. Guns and vodka. Ass.

It’s hard to read the skiny girls in this pic for thigh rubbing merit, but safe to say I would go 10% over premium to purchase them from an angry bearded Bedouin slave trader in northern Africa.

Not that I believe in purchasing my women. For that is sexist. And I respect each of them in this picture for their accomplishments in life.

Like the ancient Greeks taught us, lust and respect are often discordant, but always complimentary.

I have no idea what that means. On to #4:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: X-Lax

A classic in the oiled up orange Fratbag category, X-Lax gives all of our society the collective runs.

X-Lax is sort of a mix between Bra!! and a Prompa. Don’t underestimate his smack-worthy expressions. He is pure fratdouche.

He makes the hand gestures while hanging in Shelly’s kitchen while her parents are off at the insurance seminar.

The ladies have Persian goodness, mixed with a touch of Bollywood song and dance numbers.

And Bollywood is just weird.

So them’s your four. Which one will join last month’s winner, Mooby Dick? Which hottie/douchey coupling deserves a slot at the 2008 Douchies in the Yearly competition?

Remember to contemplate both toxic douchitude and sexy hottitude in contast. Together. In all sorts of wrong.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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