Wednesday, November 12, 2008

HCwDB of the Month: Samurai Scrote


Perhaps it was preordained in The Book of the ‘Bag:

Upon ‘ere betwixt November and December, there shall rise a Samurai Scrote to rule the Monthly, and fondle a lithe popsicle hott with preternatural calm.

The votes have been counted. And yes, I really did count them. I did not assume an S.S. win. But the Sam was too strong, and did dominate.

clementine of cappadoucha: He is Kihon Douchebag, His yin is choad and he yangs of smeg. There is no beginning, there is no end. Little old men in South East Asia ponder his wankiness to release Taiji energies. I ponder his hottie. Samurai means “To Serve” in Japanese, and he serves poo. Samurai FTW.

captain abag: Samurai Scrote. He is lord of the understated douches.

anonymous: When climbing the mountain of poo to ask the chosen one “Which one should I vote for?” he said, “Grasshoppper, close your eyes and experience the douchness. Only when the doucheness enters your mind and cannot be eradicated can you make the proper choice.” After many days I cannot get the image of a Napoleonic, mandana-wearing samurai out of my head. And besides, even though his hott doesn’t have the funbags of the others, I would strangle baby otters with Shamwows just to pick the lint out of the drier used to dry her underwear. The Samurai it is.

anonymous: samurai scrote makes my blood boil.

douchetoevsky: rock beats scissors, paper beats rock, phils beat rays, samurai scrote destroys shiva, and laughs mockingly at the mere mortals who dare stand against him in opposition, wee wee wee all the way home.

paper or plastic?: Much like a recent election of lesser consequence, the results of this monthly will be celebrated on a global scale and usher in a new douche order. Samurai in a landslide.

douchepac shakur: Samurai Scrote is subtle. Samurai Scrote is genuine. Samurai Scrote is rage. Samurai Scrote is Monthly.

jonezy: samurai scrote because he is the everyman’s douche. There is a samurai scrote in all of us- we are all one, yet all of us are douchey in our own singularity. Like a katana blade to the face, Samurai Scrote slashes deep beyond my flesh and reveals the true nature of douche within me.

crucial head: I was once a non-believer in Şǻmǚřǽ Ŝcrœtə. An infidel, if you will. My miniscule mind simply could not comprehend the possibility of a power that exceeded the limits of rational consciousness. But alas, dear brothers and sisters, those foolish thoughts were vanquished the night Şậmΰѓǽ ♀♂ made a personal visit to my bedroom.

The non-disclosure agreement Ŝαmu®åï made me sign renders most of the details from that night moot. But, I have been mercifully allowed to say that it involved bacon grease, a rack of lamb and a lamp. When all was said and done, I had asked the §äмứѓǽ into my heart and he had washed me free of all doubt.

Well said, S.S. voters. And many more excellent comments can be found in the comments thread. But Chumlee found a small but dedicated scrum of voters who cast their lot his way. notadouche explains Chum and Beatrice’s dual power:

At first I didn’t think Chumlee was that bad. I didn’t even vote for him in the weekly. But as I stare at those round, magnificent funbags. . . my gaze slides over to the poo that is his face and I can feel it. There is an almost indefinable ick about the poo that is Chumlee. He taunts me with his smug expression. For that I hope he is roasted alive by African Pygmies. Yes, Pygmies. Also, I would push over someone’s grandmother (not my own, who do you think I am??) for the chance to place hottie’s bra in its washer safe ball before laundry time.

I have also pushed grandmothers, N.D., so I can relate. The Red Baghunter Manfred Freiherr von Douchehofen agrees:

Sure, I wanna strangle SS with his thin leather 80’s tie.

Sure, I wish Brian Urlacher would plant his face mask right on the shaved chest of Earlicker and brake him in halves. Anonymous

None of those two is as rage inspiring as Chumlee. Douche hand gesture #469 just teases you into wanting to place your fist right between his index and middle finger and set his hood on fire. Also his Hott boobies the hot out of the other boobies.

The rage of the hood + boobies of boobies is a noteworthy combo, RB. But amanda brings the female ‘bag hunting perspective, to cast in for Sisqo Nose Tentacle Douche, The Last Dragon:

Last Dragon. The white mildewed hair alone propels him into DouchePantheon status but the laser-snot-kryptonite-titty-mauling elevates him into a realm all his own.

But it is S.S. for the Monthly and the last slot in the Yearly. zen wizard sums it up:

Samurai Scrote scores “less is more” points for the bizarre choice of mandana and indoor shades (plus bonus 5-o’clock shadow) for what appears to be a semi-formal event somewhere.

He is the Frank Lloyd Wright of douche.

Samurai Scrote reportedly inspired Ayn Rand to write a soft-core erotic novel that became misunderstood as a political treatise in the 1950s. You may know it as Atlas Douched.

See you in the yearly, S.S.

# posted by douchebag1

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