Monday, December 15, 2008

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year

Voting is now open for the 2008 Douchie Award for Celebrity HCwDB of the Year:

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Marissa Miller and Ass Pimple

The fact that sports illustrated swimsuit model and all-around teeth melting cutie Marissa Miller has chosen not just to cohabitate, but to marry a human ass pimple, has been a plague on our culture all year.

Witness the progression, here, here, here, here and here.

The fact that rectus-hair here actually tattooed Marissa Miller’s face on his arm makes him even more the douchey hangers-on type that Hollywood has crawling all over it.

I want to spray Raid in his face.

Then lick her upper thigh area like a hyper-stimulated orangutan in an illegal experiment involving radiation that Matthrew Broderick is desperately trying to stop.

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Spencer and Heidi from MTV’s “The Hills”

I haven’t featured a lot of pics of these two on the site because calling them a classic ‘Bag/’Baguette hottie/douchey coupling would be like observing that ebola is a virus.

Spencer has that classically generic, ethereal ‘bagdom.

Not really sporting annoying tatts, no bling nor outrageous hair (although definite douche-scruff), Spencer’s poo comes from within like a shining E.T. heartlight.

Where’s Neil Diamond to sing when you need him?

Heidi’s got fake boobs and fake everything, but I’d still crawl through a pile of angry fire ants just for the chance to shake the finger of the plastic hand that broke off her childhood Barbie.

Hmm. That fantasy is kinda creepy.

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Criss “Poo Face” Angel and Assorted Hotts

Not since the great amateur magician Dr. Hooker fooled Houdini with his “Rising Cards” has a magician bedazzled a viewing audience with his ability to do the impossible.

And by impossible, I mean date anyone other than a lobotized farm animal.

This means you, Criss “Poo Face” Angel.

Witness the magical run of squatitude that began in January and continued here, here, here, here, here and here.

I’m not sure when prestidigitation got this pooey. Just saw the lady in half and link the rings, Crissy.

No need to turn yourself into a homeless half-crazed glue sniffing crack addict with rickets.

Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #4: The Portman and the Yeti

Because anyone who wears ironic “Cats” t-shirts in foreign languages needs to be gang-raped by a prison gang from Catmandu.

Natalie’s Semitic pixie hottness has long revved my motor like a clean burning Mr. Fusion installed by Doc Brown.

Portman smells like lilacs and we’d lie in bed playing with a feather duster and lightly discuss the genius of Tom Baker’s Doctor Who while sleeping in on a Sunday.

Since broken up, the Portman and the Yeti still haunt my subconscious like a Lacan mirror stage schism between self and Otherness.

Beginning in April and continuing all summer here and here, even the subsequent breakup does not console me.

For Portman must don librarian glasses and yell at me for returning my books late. And I’d pay the fine.

So them’s your four. (Dis)honorable mention to Elisha Cuthbert and the newly unemployed Sean Avery, and also to Mayerbag and Aniston, whom I left off because while Mayerbag is my arch enemy, Aniston just isn’t that hot these days. Hate to say it, but you know I’m right.

Which coupling deserves to win the 2008 Douchie?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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