Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ed Hardy Sucks German Alpaca Balls


Tuesday’s Ed Hardy post drew this email from Cologne, Germany:

—-
Dear DB1,

Not only does Ed Hardy suck royally from the nutsac of grazing Alpacas, its global expansion is eroding the highly prized and valued precision of excellence here in Cologne, Germany.

In fact, Mr. Hardy has decided to make Cologne ground zero for his first every ‘par-tay’ in the fatherland of blonde-haired blue-eyed boobie hottie suckle thigh where some ancestors have gone so far as to rage wars in their defense. I stood jaw agape in utter shock as I snapped this picture. I recognize it has no douchebag, no hot chick. But I find its dispension of information horrifying. Does he really need to Brand Clubs? Should we notify PETA? Doesn’t that violate ethics on multiple levels of Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus and Species? Does there really need to be live sax AND percussions? Does a dance-fashion-show demonstrate a new world order of decay? Why need this club be named ‘Diamonds’? The pounding questions perplex the strongest of wills.

Ironic?

Hardly, Mr. Hardy. We’re wise to your Machiavellian scheming.

Nero was famous for playing the fiddle as he watched Rome burn. Nero was the son of Claudia Agrippina a local area noble woman with ambition and a fecund propensity for all things blingy, whose marriage established Cologne as a Roman colony (Colonia Claudia Ara Agrippinensium) – hence where the current namesake derives. Nero was remorseful for killing his mother, probably because he determined she had gone Bleethius Maximus Extremus and was beyond cleansing. So sadly we have a history, but I had held out hope.

Now, I just see fires on the horizon.

Burn, Cologne. Burn.

I’ll get my fiddle.

Respectfully,
Herr Professor Douchemann

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Ed Hardy is the latest battlefront in the War on Douche. Fight the good fight, Herr Professor. Like Thomas Mann and Marlene Dietrich before you, you must speak out and save the Boobie Suckle Thigh. From really stupid skull cartoons.

# posted by douchebag1

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