Monday, January 5, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

Welcome back, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses.

It’s a shiny, polished New Year. Gone are last year’s bodysprays. In are a new crop of Brody Jennerisms to be mocked and ridiculed, while lusting after their hotts.

Your humble narrator, still recovering from his drunken crawl through lower New York, is freshly shaved and ready to go. I’ve sprayed on my Man Junk, dusted off my copy of “Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. 7” for a new round of verbal mock, and lightly powdered my outer thighs with confectioner’s sugar and maraschino cherry. It’s time.

Here’s your first Weekly of 2009:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Tiny Anabelle Gets Swamped

With over a month of pics to choose from, there were many choices to cull down to a final three. But Tiny Anabelle was a no-doubt selection.

Getting circled by the cast of Sublime: The Musical was too awkward not to run.

The fact that the toolshed in the back is directing airplane traffic while Brillo Head on the right awkwardly hovers, all leads us to the Pterodactyl Douche up front.

Note classic “Shocker” hand gesture, dribbley chin pubes and a gut that looks like the alien from Meatballs 2.

And did I mention that Tiny Anabelle makes shellfish dance “under the sea”?

And by sea, I mean Antwerp. And by under, I mean bobby socks.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Loop de Poop

Rumors that this greasy crap-stain licking up on this Paid-to-Pose (PTP) brunette milkshake is an 80s hair-metal icon do not detract from the utter wrongness of the commingle.

Now it is true that the potential “PTP” status of the hott detracts from the gut-wrenching existential crisis that a true HCwDB pic should inspire in all who view it.

But we cannot be sure.

And where there is ambiguity, there is hypothetical projection.

And by projection, I mean stupid-ass stripey tiny scarves on middle-aged diaper poops.

And her suckle thighs are firm, yet soft, yet firm, yet soft.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Sir Sucks-a-Lot

Straddling the awkward line between sleazy Vegas promoter and Ducky in Pretty In Pink, Sir Sucks-a-Lot brings a ‘hawk and plenty of ‘tude, along with his Taylor Dane cutie, to the Weekly.

Not classic popped collar, go-to middle finger “tough guy” gesture, chin pubes, and douche-face.

Taylor Dayne is all sorts of drrty sexy, the kind who laughs at your jokes and is willing to make out at the bar even though people are getting annoyed.

She is delightful. And a hint of stomach area makes bluebirds sing “Zipp-a-dee-hoo-ha.”

But I digress.

Which of these three coupling of hottie/douchey wrongness is wrong enough to win the first Weekly of 2009?

That, my friends, is up to you. Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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