Wednesday, February 25, 2009

HCwDB of the Week: Crimson Ted


A tough week. One of the toughest we’ve had. All three hottie/assface couplings had a shot.

But only Crimson Ted was Crimson:

Gee Forge: Crimson Ted, because he lives a miserable existence and he knows it, and I know it, and it makes both of us sad.

Anonymous: Crimson Ted. Oblivious to hotts and focused on pointing = HCwDB of the Week

Emma G: Every time Ted points, an angel gets its wings ripped off. Crimson Ted FTW.

douche-osopher: Having a bad hair day, Ted? Burnt-Orange Fascism not all it’s cracked up to be? Your brother stars in Phantom of the Opera, and all you got was this crappy T-shirt? Crimson Ted, FTW.

Anonymous: Gotta be Crimson Ted. Just based on the orange spectrometers people keep making of him. Anyone who needs one is a total douche nozzle.

Mr. White: Crimson Ted says, “I will give you a breakfast burrito, $3.79, and a reach-around to fight me.” And for this, he wins. Even though his hotts are probably nightmarish pains in the ass.

CrackedActor: Crimson Ted. He’s a Spider Man and His Amazing Friends villian, whereas Yolk is just a Sundy Morning knock-off. Like Glatar and the Golden Lance.

End the Habedouchery: That look tells me that heads will roll if his cliche Patron bottle service isn’t properly chilled. And for that, my friend, you are douche.

Great work, all. Excellent breakdowns by all the ‘bag hunters in the threads this week. C.T.’s run of crimson and high price hotts was too strong to overcome. But methinks the iconographic Incredible Yolk will also find longevity of mock:

Douchille Bag’Neal: The fact that Yolk is at the beach, and slathered in self tanner to the point of overused streaks on his skin, as well as the fact that he has perched himself in a domineering pose above the magnificent boobie that is Hangy Haired Lisa, makes this choice clear.

Douche D’Afrique: Yolk FTW! his scotewank is the Australopithecus of Douchebaggery. The “missing link” between Cro ‘Bagnon and Johnny Blaze. No wrist tats, no white belt, just primeval douche. And Orangeness.

Douchorama: The Yolk has to go down as a classic, albeit posed, image of douchenanigans. His homage to Fabio complete with his damsel hott makes this the easy choice for the win.

Hampered only by a less than fully seen hott, The Yolk still has genius DB quality. Methinks we will be seeing more of the Yolk in the coming Weeks. For no one else quite mauls hotts when he’s Orangey like the Yolk.

And lets not forget The Hickbag:

fuglygurlie: Hickbag FTW. Purely based on his lily white, feminine, well manicured hand which inspires me to rip his arms from their sockets and lovingly caress said hands, feeding the rest of him through a tree shredder feet first to a gentle Vivaldi wafting on the breeze and a deep bodied Shiraz warming in the sun.

Rubber Douchey: Strong arguements for Crimson Ted, but Hickbag hasta do it for me. Something about how neatly trimmed yet dripping with skuzz his porn-stache is. I shudder and weep.

Michael Phelp’s 10″ Bong: Hillbillies always do it for me. Hickbag and his First Cousin Hott FTW.

fishslushy: hickbag FTW. the parallel lines formed by his eyebrows and crustache are too powerful of a force to deny. Plus, darleen’s matching eye makeup and bra are pleasing.

It was an incredibly strong HCwDB week, with three complete contenders. The comments thread did not disappoint. Excellent douche eviserations and boobie lust all around, people. But I turn to the everpresent Anonymous to make the case why Ted and the Leggy Blondes are in the Monthly:

Have to go with Ted. What a supreme douchebag.

Indeed he is, Anonymous. Indeed he is. We’ll see his crimson ass in the Monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

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