Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week

After a raucus evening for your humble narrator half-watching The Oscars while enjoying a tasty cola beverage out of a limited edition “Broheim!!” coffee mug, I am fired up and ready to mock.

Here’s your finalists for the HCwDB of the Week:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Incredible Yolk

Yolk SMASSHHHHHH!!!!

And by SMASSHHHHHH, Yolk mean spray on tan!!!

Posed pic?

Perhaps.

But in classic form, we have a sexy suckle-hott being “claimed” by a greased up orange doucheclown more concerned with his own pecs than her perky boobies.

And that, my friends, qualifies for HCwDB.

Factor in the unique beach setting and pose, and this pic rises above the crop to earn a well oiled place in the Weekly.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Crimson Ted, aka Orange Anime Demon

As the honorable Sen. Tom Douchele of South Descrota pointed out in the comments thread, Crimson Ted is the very same Orange Anime Demon who has been threatening numerous hot MILFs in clubs across town.

Crimson Ted is all sorts of aging club-douche wrongness.

Not the least is his Crimson tan, as 2009 increasingly becomes “The Year of the Orange.”

And lets not forget the gnawable legs on Tina and Trina here.

They are curvy, giggly balls of high maintence delight.

I would spend hundreds buying them useless baubles and trinkets while they laughed at me by the pool and then flashed me some side-boob. And I would be happy.

Because hey. Sideboob.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Hickbag

For reminding us of an often less featured category of punkass beyoch, The Hickbag earns a slot in the Weekly.

Hat Tilt and Southern Drawl do not mix, Hickbag.

Now put down your stupid hand gesture and get back to the Five n’ Dime, Jimmy Dean Jimmy Dean.

So them’s your three.

Should the winner be Hickbag and the Rural Hott? Or perhaps The ragin’ orangin’ of The Incredible Yolk? Or perhaps this is the week for Crimson Ted to take his leggy model hott fondling place in the Monthly?

That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Johnny Blaze Sunday

And while we’re honoring legends of poo, here’s a new pic of legendary HCwDB Goose Runner, Johnny Blaze.

Blaze is celebrating being the latest enshrinee in our hallowed Hall of Scrote.

By running with the X.

And Sheryl, a tasty volleyball player from nearby Long Island Tech, where’s she’s majoring in “Accounting” and her BFF Chase was a total bitch last night outside of Pinkberry.

Breaking: John Mayer Admits He’s a Huge Douche; Still a Huge Douche

On Friday’s Conan O’Brian sendoff on NBC, the legendary sleeve-tatted pseudo-talented hipster clown, The Mayerbag, once again fessed up and admitted he’s a huge douche as an attempt to ironicize his way out of the truth of his core being.

I first called out the Mayerbag last year, when he was “regular guy” – blogging like a semi employed Gawker writer, here, his Borat suited antics here, and after he got his sleeve-tatts and started dating Aniston, here.

I’m still searching for a YouTube clip, but you can see Mayerbag try to subvert the truth of his own soul through irony on Conan on Hulu.

I’m just not sure where in the show the clip actually is.

Cuz I’m hungover and can’t find it. And my socks smell like gouda.

Breaking: John Mayer Admits He's a Huge Douche; Still a Huge Douche

On Friday’s Conan O’Brian sendoff on NBC, the legendary sleeve-tatted pseudo-talented hipster clown, The Mayerbag, once again fessed up and admitted he’s a huge douche as an attempt to ironicize his way out of the truth of his core being.

I first called out the Mayerbag last year, when he was “regular guy” – blogging like a semi employed Gawker writer, here, his Borat suited antics here, and after he got his sleeve-tatts and started dating Aniston, here.

I’m still searching for a YouTube clip, but you can see Mayerbag try to subvert the truth of his own soul through irony on Conan on Hulu.

I’m just not sure where in the show the clip actually is.

Cuz I’m hungover and can’t find it. And my socks smell like gouda.

If Jimmy Had a Million Dollars

PIC DELETED

He’d do two chicks at the same time, man.

Crimson Ted Saturday

Crimson Ted senses there is a sexy brunette behind him.

But Crimson Ted does not need to turn to see her.

For Crimson Ted knows all he needs to know.

EDIT: Inspired by Mike’s work yesterday, Gaijindouche has whipped up a second Crimson Ted Spectrometer.

EDIT #2: And Mike follows up Gaijundouche’s work with a Crimson Ted Facial Averaging Spectrograph.

Friday Thoughts and Links

It was the hotts of times. It was the douchiest of times.

The ‘bags remain mockable, and the suckle thighs, sucklable.

Los Angeles has been washed clean by a Travis Bickle inspired rain, and now only faintly smells like Hollypoo.

Dust clouds swirl over palm trees as a twenty-two year old hott walks down Sunset and dreams of hosting her own show on the E Network.

But that guy she met at the bar last night was lying to her. She knew it. But she made out with him by the bathroom anyway.

Here’s your Friday links:

Sorority Chicks with Creepy Emobags. At a backyard Ubiquitous Red Cup party, no less.

Eleven boobs

Hot Chicks with Roger Ailesbag

Cincinnati’s ladies are fed up with the scrote in this nicely sarcastic Craigslist posting.

And then Boston’s Craiglist brings the Authentobaggery.

And to think, just last month we gave this guy a nottadouche.

For the art lovers who read the site, this pic has a similar genius of aesthetics as did our 2008 “Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection at the Guggenheim in 2023” award winner, Still Life with Coors Light. The hotts weren’t quality enough to run it on the site, but let us appreciate its brilliant composition. I entitle it, “Rock Flower Sunrise.” Once I am finally accepted as a true artist, this will be one of the pics at my first gallery showing.

Hot Chicks with Deutschbags. What will those wacky Germans think of next? Perhaps this.

And what would a Friday Thoughts and Links be without my unending obsession with minimally famous Hollywood starlet, Peyton List? Here’s a pic from Peyton List’s guest spot as a magician’s assistant on an episode of Monk. And one more. Mmmm… lovely.

Peyton remains my preeminent Hollywood Suckle Thigh.

EDIT: Swapped out the pic due to the potential for trannydom in the last pic.

EDIT #2: Okay, who’s sending in the hot tranny pics? I’m swapping out the pic because the adams apple was freaking me out. Instead, here’s a nerdy Asian dude with a hot blonde.

Crimson Ted

With four of the sexiest, most sucklable legs in creation flexing themselves in front of him, Crimson Ted would rather point angrily at something else.

I’m guessing it’s his personal stylist. Who died.

In 1982.

Bonus points for the first photoshop expert to determine how many gradations of orange separate Ted’s face from hand.

EDIT: Reader Mike provides us with a Crimson Ted Spectrometer.

The Preppiebag

Because nothing rocks the strip club hotts quite like argyle sweaters and the white, J.Crew, button-down dress shirts.

Except that final touch — the patented “Cylon Eye” chin fungus.

Friday Haiku

Creepy Bandito,
Talks broken Spanish to Kims:
“Free fondle, free drink.”

He has two beauties
Yet Sheik Omar pube-y chin
Is too drunk to care

— Gaijindouche

Bagatov the drunk
will not release busty hotts.
Unless they take photo.

— teh abominable snowdouche

I think no one knows
But the cockroach on my chin
Tells the world I’m poo

— DBAD

LEFT HOTTS RED EYS SAY:
“TARMAL ME FLYTEHETH UNTIL
THERE”S NOT TARMAL L>EFT!

— Flyteeth

come home with Basheer
me makey falalfal meal
blondes make out…i cry

— Arch Douche of Bagbury

lazy-eyed psycho.
clings tightly to young, blonde sluts.
glory days have passed.

— ted theodore scrotgan

Douche weaves in the wind
Bleeths stand erect like trees
They’re all that’s erect

— I am Jack’s outraged liver