Monday, March 9, 2009

HCwDB of the Month

I’ve made an executive decision.

Poo, as genius as he is, just ain’t a legitimate HCwDB pic. Tanning Bronzer and freakish clownishness, as spectacularly genius as they are, just aren’t the true spirit of ‘bag. Plus, no hott. As such, I’ve bumped his fecal cartoonish presence to a well deserved place in the Hall of Scrote and let last week’s Runner Up, the more than worthy Flame Broiler and Candy Girl, take his place in the Monthly.

If you want more Poo, he’s enshrined. But for the Monthly, here’s your four cuts of hott/scrote:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Flame Broiler

F.B.B. and Candy Girl are classic girl-next-door and Orange can of Ass Soda.

And you don’t want to crack a can of Ass Soda. Unless it’s with a stick. To the flame broiled fast food hair.

Sure, she’s a tad too thin, and he’s more KFC than Whopperbag.

But together, they form the unholy dialectics that Jacques Derrida describes as “The WTF principle.”

Also factor in the camo t-shirt, excessive bling and the rare “matching wristdanna” combo, and this couple is all sorts of deserving wrongness.

Not sure what’s up with the 40s of Colt 45, though.

Alls I know is they add the right touch of class to make this a Monthly finalist. And by class, I mean ass. Because they rhyme.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Crimson Ted

As Denzel Washington said in the movie version of “Crimson Ted”: In my humble opinion, in the non-douchular world, the true enemy is fake-tanning itself.

Yes.

Yes it is, Denzel.

Boozy blonde models and a series of Crimson Ted pics make his entry into the pantheon a worthwhile attempt indeed.

The “point.” The black sweater-vest. And his other appearances here, here, here and here.

All lead to a worthy HCwDB smackfest.

And yes, I see all four of your legs, bottle blondes. I would gnaw like chicken bone.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Rusty the Frill Necked Lizard

Rusty is the classic Vegas Specatcle.

The dude who can’t decide what form of punk aesthetic he wants to coopt, so he coopts them all in some hazy mish-mash of signification.

Stupid levitating glasses.

Punchy douche-face.

And the Bleethed out, skinny, Vegas Trampy Hott on his arm.

She is Lotus Flower.

He is Dragonbag.

Together, they make tight pants.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: 2009: An Orange Odyssey, aka Orange Jeter and Cynthia

For classic Jerz Scrote and sexy tiny dancer hott, Orange Jeter and Cynthia prove that 2009 is the “Year of the Orange.”

Casually flipping off the camera with hoodie pulled high, O.J. makes me want to kick the crap out of at least two of the Golden Girls.

Because Betty White needs a serious ass kicking.

Cynthia makes me dream of blue birds, sunrises and boobie suckle, in spite of her double hand gesture.

And O.J. needs Martha Dunstock to sit on his head until Big Fun plays the prom.

So them’s your three.

Whether you’re pro-Poo or anti-Poo, you have to admit that these four pics, each in their own unique way, exhibit all the elements of our cultural crisis.

Which one will win? Orange Jeter and the luciously perky Cynthia? Or the Vegas abomination of Rusty and Lotus Flower? Or will the Flame Broiler and Candy Girl, cast into the shadow by Poo, finally gain recognition? Or is this Crimson Ted and the Lounge Hotts time to shine?

That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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