Monday, March 16, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

Okay, enough weekend malaise. We have work to do, people.

Time to fire up this oven like a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial. Bring the mock, my friends, for you have three finalists of which to choose as your HCwDB of the Week:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Rancid Meat Fungus and the Porkchop Hott Attack

An overlooked gem from two weeks ago, I had to give the Rancid Meat Fungus and the tasty Porchop Hott their time in the kitchen.

For the douche side, we have standard over-tatted hair pouffed greaser Fungus.

On the hott side, a curvy blonde whom, despite not being caught in the most flattering facial angle, still offers much in the way of genetic merit.

Legs, thighs and wings. I would marinate each of her tasty limbs in a lick-sauce of my own making, and then nibble on her shoulder for dessert like it was creme brulee. Shoulder creme brulee.

Bonus douche-points for the reverse “69” stitched on the jeans. That’s like the scrotal “Mark of the Beast.”

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia

I’m going with pic #2 from the “Crosshair with Leia” Collection, because it’s far and away the pinnacle of the hottie/douchey cohabitation.

Pics #1 and #3 can be seen here and here.

Crosshair is all sorts of confused heterosexual cooption of gay signifiers, from makeup to frosted tips to greasy forehead. Yet Crosshair proclaims his spectacle in service of the Latino Princess Leia.

As such, he’s gone from gay to douche.

Leia has abs that can crush walnuts and delightful cheekbones. I would let her read me The Bernstein Bears by candlelight, and then tuck me in to drift off into sleeptime after a brief 25 minute period of rhythmic thigh groping.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Lucy Braza Sleeps with the Fishes

It was hard to pick a third entry this week, as there were a number of competitors for the slot.

But when it came down to it, I had to go back to HCwDB basics:

Which douchewanks most deserve an ass kicking for undeserving cohabitation with a boobie suckle thigh?

The Fish Twins and Lucy Braza rose (sank) to the occasion.

I would pelt them with tiny Vermont Teddybears dipped in soy sauce until they cried for the mother they never knew, and then I would whisk Lucy off to my kitchen to participate in synchronized scrubbing and suckle thigh.

Extra douche points for the single button shirtless look on Fish #1.

Ah, Lucy. You are a tea time lemon wedge delight.

(Dis)honorable mention to near-finalists Beefy Cow and the Perky Mellons, Poolan Rouge and Everyone Doesn’t Love Raymond, all of which just missed the cut.

So them’s your three.

Which deserve to earn the first slot in the next HCwDB of the Month? That, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, is in your court.

Vote, as always in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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