Monday, March 23, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

It was a relatively benign week last week for toxic HCwDB, but three decent finalists emerged to vie for the Weekly. Since your narrator spent much of it drunken, unshaven, and stumbling around under the Brooklyn Bridge trying to find his keys, it’s a miracle he’s even up in time to write today’s Weekly.

But he is. And that foot is me.

Here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Bandaidto

Quality Alba Hottness doesn’t come along that often, so when it does, we should sacrifice a goldfish to Buddha and then flagellate ourselves with chicken feathers to honor her buttocks.

She is Latina Goodness.

He’s a gangsta wannabe with a bandaid that looks like it was perfectly placed above the sunglasses-at-night to achieve a level of authentic gangsta toughness.

For that, he is to be Hello Kittied somewhere in Osaka by a gang of Yakuza.

I have nothing more to add, except that it appears someone is performing a colonoscopy on someone else on the monitor in the back.

One should really wear surgical gloves before performing a colonoscopy on TV. Otherwise it sends a bad message to the kids.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Purple Lips and Carmen

Some argue the “Gaybag Exception” applies here. Gaybag Exceptions were a concept developed on the site in 2007 to describe the fact that gay performative douchosity in presense of the hott lacks the true rage-inducing dialectics since gay/hott offers no legitimate threat of hott pollution.

I refuse to grant the G.E. in this case.

Something tells me Purple Lips knows what he’s doing. The flaming hair, the douche-scarf + Rosary beads, and the table cloth shirt suggest too much clash to be authentogayery.

He is het. And as such, working the signifiers of gay subculture to achieve mass culture dominance, he is the HCwDB equivalent of the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Carmen is delightful, even with the cheesy hair extensions. She is bashful and bronze and I would fondle her best friend’s collection of vintage Cabbage Patch Dolls until she kicked me out of her house.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Spring Break ‘Bag

This was taken by a reader, and it also features that prime category of ‘bag of whose categorization is the site’s main purpose.

So for those two reasons I decided to give Breaky and Captain Morgana their shot in the Weekly.

Do not underestimate the primal douche signifiers in this pic.

The suckle abs on the Sorority Hott. The dual hand gestures + douche-lips on the Fratchoad. Mandana. Jesus tatt.

All around a prime case of all that is douche/hott in the universe, and all that needs to be mocked.

So them’s your three. Which rises to the top? And by top, I mean bottom. And by bottom, I mean ass pear.

Dishonorable mention to Kurt’s Florida Tag, lacking only facial specificity to make the weekly, and the craptastic The White Shadow, which just missed the cut. Honorable mention to Hot Peeps with Peepbags, which was tasty marshmallow boobie suckle thigh goodness and fake yellow tans.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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