Monday, March 30, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

This week’s Weekly and next week’s Weekly may seem like we’re simply looking to fill up the last two spots to lose to Crosshair McJohnson and Leia in the next Monthly.

But it is a done deal? Are Crosshair’s frosted tips and Leia’s Latino Princesses a “sure thing”? You’re not safe yet, Crosshair. These three gumbys are gunning to take you on.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Doughboy and Gidget

The strange camera angle.

The “straight from Long Beach” gangsta pud.

The hot 1950s “Naughty Housewife” in leopard bikini with pink trim.

The tiny, clear cup of either 1) Urine, 2) liquid amber or 3) Budweiser, the Piss of Beers.

Doughboy is classic West Coast stage-3 infectuous Douchery. Granted, no hand gestures. But the kissy lips and full body dough-tatt tell you all you need to know.

Gidget makes my warm lower regions get warmer. She is bodice ripping goodness. Sweet sweet cans.

I touched her cans.

Her sweet, sweet cans.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ass Pear and Douchehead

For bringing in some 19th Century Germanic folklore in their first appearance, this horrible tale of teenage hormones gone wrong in a cold and civil society brings important historical artifact.

And by artifact I mean those butts are both art, and fact.

There is a certainty to their glutteous roundness that we must locate outside of the simulacrum. That grounds us in “the real.”

It is not our psyche that projects those butt bongos. It is outside of our subjectivity. For they are boingy.

And Douchehead is all that is punchworthy about giant mandanas and facial pubes.

I’d curse his ancestors in Gaelic, then pee on his Saab in the parking lot.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Blenderboy

Featuring the uber-annoying beanie propellor douche-hair, Blenderboy rankles on a number of levels.

The stupid sleve-tatts.

The scrotal chin-pubes, apparently dyed black.

The lime-green shirt that screams “Nerd Punk.”

And Fanny Brice calls for flesh pinching.

I would do naughty things to her old pair of Crocs, which she doesn’t wear anymore because they’re not in style.

Then I would read her passages from an excellent biography on Benjamin Disraeli until she grew bored and turned on “From Gs to Gents.”

So them’s your three.

And three must become one.

And no slacking. I’m looking at you, Kevin in Mississippi and Cheryl in Arlington. Step up and vote.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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