Wednesday, March 4, 2009

HCwDB of the Week: Poo


As much as I thought about disqualifying Poo on the basis of pro-muscle douchery, and a lack of “HC” as part of “HCwDB,” since hottie/douchey dialectics require us to find meaning between the polarities, there are moments when iconoclastic douchebaggery rises to the top purely on the genius of its poo.

Poo is that moment.

Think The Prompas. Or Mooby Dick. Or, on the HC side, Stonebag’s Hott. The voters explain:

Cokebeard: even though i want to tongue tickle ScroTep’s hott until the next ice age and thinks Poo’s “hott” is second coming of Venus De Milo (is positive the bulge is a can of chew),… Poo’s douchatude outshines the rest like a supernova over the camera flash that takes drooling pics of Boobie Suckle Thigh.

Dunkterdouche: Is there any doubt? You can flush him down, but he keeps coming back. Poo FTW!

Anonymous: Poo FTW! The pic doesn’t qualify as a HCwDB pic, but it is so brain-meltingly revolting that it cannot be disqualified from the weekly. In the immortal words of M. Brando: The horror… The… HORROR…

Rookie: For the fact that the very first glimpse of his image made me want to vomit…Poo.

AV: Poo FTW, but if he does win, please block out his face in the next posting, DB1. It freaks me out.

DarkSock: He has so much self tanner than it’s settled in his beard pores, making him look like a Homer Simpson with the flesh and blubber flayed off of him with a weed eater. If only for that reason: Vote For Poo. Poo. FTW. (For The Wipe).

TheReverendDoom: Poo FTW! he’s everything you don’t want to be and less. I’ve never been more revolted by a scrote in my life.

And so it is, Poo takes the prize through sheer bronze outrage and scary, creepy face. But Poo’s victory was by no means a landslide, and I agree with many of the HCwDB regulars who argued that the dialectics of hottie/douchey meaning found in Poo are simply poor. Anonymous explains it best:

I’m afraid that the veritable poo-slide of votes will likely dilute what it means to be a douchebag.

I too am agape before “Poo’s” self-afflicted condition but my revulsion is more akin to that felt when perusing a medical journal for ancient skin diseases from far away lands than in the contemporary revulsion in the mediocre denizens of the douchebag sub-species which has been so ably practiced on this site.

Punching “Poo” would be like punching a retard or someone with a horrible rash, which is sad, because a douchebag must be (IMO above all) punch-worthy.

ScroTep shows too much originality to be a douchebag. Douchebags don’t invent applications of eye-liner or hand-sockings, a douchebag blindly follows.

And in this “The Flame Broiler” is a perfect example. He is perfectly mediocre in every way, copies the douchebag caricature but is incapable of improving upon it. His droopy eyes seem to beg “I’m orange, I have the shirt, the malt-liquor, the belt the hott… Don’t you think I’m cool ?” Completely punch-worthy, completely mediocre, complete douchebag, and yet somehow for some yet inexplicable reason he has the hott.

Well argued, Anony. And others made the case for both Flame Broiler and ScroTep:

Archidouchies: ScroTep for the win because I would swim naked through a pool of razor blades to sniff the trash bag she throws her old underwear in.

Lyndon Ladouche: Scro Tep FTW. His hott has the boobies that would launch a thousand ships. And by ships I mean spurts of semen. And he is wearing guyliner. Enough said.

Dr. Douchebag: The Flame Broiler and Candy Girl. This one was easy. I always just ask myself…’which one do I want to punch the most?’ – ‘Who is the most orange?’ – ‘Who is wearing a wristband?’ – ‘Whose babe should be assuming the position in front of me now’. Usually the answer to the last one is “All” but not this week. The rest are easily The Flame Broiler.

Captain Bringdown: I say, stand up for decency and stern morality by voting with me for sweet luscious Betty Boobies and the mummification of one Mr. ScroTep. For Betty is so hott that the undead spontaneously combust in her presence, and ScroTep is such a loser that the mummies of Tutankhamun and Akhenaten were both discovered in their vaults performing a facepalm. ScroTep: mock like an Egyptian.

But the everpresent Anonymous makes the case for why Poo takes the HCwDB of the Week and earns the last slot in Monday’s Monthly:

I have to give it to Poo. His image will haunt my nightmares for eternity.

Chalk up a spot for Poo in the Monthly, and let the arguments commence about the relative hottness of Pooette.

# posted by douchebag1

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