Monday, April 6, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

The last Weekly before next week’s Monthly douche-off, so lets make it a good one. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Greazy-E

Hard to place Greazy-E on the scrotal scale.

He’s pumped up, greased up, shaved, has a giant mandana, and smug sense of entitlement.

But nothing beyond those signifiers to place him in the uberdouche category.

No kissy lips. No ridiculous facial pubes.

Yet he is douche. We cannot deny it.

Blonde has the arching eyebrows of nordic European aristocracy. I would share a laugh with her quietly over tea and finger foods in the West End, and then retire to the boudoir to dress up in leather and have her lightly paddle my bottom with a golf club while calling me “Guvnah!”

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Jean Jacket Jerry and Cheryl

Jean Jacket Jerry is the type of douche we don’t feature as often on the site. The smug hippybag.

The Phish bootleg CD collecting mama’s boy who plays hackeysack and talks about Greenpeace, then perfectly coifs his hair to mack on the granola chicks from nearby Bowdoin.

For that his jean-jacket vest and tongue licking nastiness are to be mocked.

And Cheryl.

Megods, Cheryl. With hint of hippie-boob and 1970s retro hair, yours is the pouty mouth of a thousand summer swans.

You are a New England Clam Chowder delight. That rarest of rare. A gorgeous girl from Boston. And I should know. The lack of hot chicks in Boston is why I left as soon as I turned 18.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Primitive Marsupials

For dancing like kangaroos in the Vegas sun, the Marsupials are classic douche/hott couplings.

Are the hotts skanky? Perhaps.

But their curves are clean enough to cause dreams of moonlit lakes and long necked orchids and sucking on their toesies like a hungover lemur.

The Marsupials bring classic Vegas scroad into the mix. That “Buckcherry” doucheyness that merged with the Jerz Guid to form the global plague.

They are sons of Grieco. And are to be mocked.

(Dis)honorable mention to Phlegm Nation, which I eliminated due to featuring classic HCwDB legend and monthly winner, The Limey. Also to Anti-‘Bag Aura, whose hott freaked too many out (though I disagree), Doucheclowns in the Lot who missed out for the lack of hott, and Your Saturday Fratmunch who just missed in general.

Them’s your three.

Which one will rise (sink) to the top (bottom)?

That’s up to you. Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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