Friday, June 12, 2009

Ask DB1: Ancillary 'Bag Infection

—-
Dear DB1,

Is there a Greico virus antidote?

While visiting a friend in Wilkes-Barre, PA, we went out to the only drinking establishment within walking distance from the hotel.

I knew something was wrong when we rounded the corner and found ourselves in a herd of primping and preening baguettes.

We should’ve been wearing hazmat suits. I have never seen so many popped collars, shaved chests, bedazzled shirts, and fake tans in one place in my life. I live in Philly and you’d think my proximity to NJ would have exposed me to this level of man’s inhumanity to man, but no.

I’m afraid I’m going to wake up with bad highlights, too much eye makeup, and a tramp stamp. Is there anything I can do to decontaminate myself?

Please help.
-A stranger in a strange land

—–

There are a number of steps to decontaminate one’s self from intense ‘bagsposure, ASIASL. Firstly, since your email suggests you are female (fear of too much eye makeup and a tramp stamp) , you must immediately shower with rock salts and using a Swedish hott named Henriksa’s bobby socks as wash cloths.

That will cleanse you of the memory of this trauma. And give me happy thoughts.

Secondly, you must return to the scene of the crime. That’s right. You must go back. Once there, you must sarcastically mock from a reasonably safe distance. As a potential hott, this can easily be accomplished. Allow the virus to pass through you, but do not let it take hold. It can only take hold from fear.

Only when you mock without fear do the ‘bag/bleeth couplings become neutered and thus rendered a paper tiger. And by paper tigers, I mean boobies. And by boobies, I mean breasts.

# posted by douchebag1

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