Monday, June 1, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

Seeing Eminem teabagged by Sacha Baron Cohen on the network of my future home brought me a wonderful sense of zen joy last night. Both Eminem and Baron Cohen traffic in multiple identity constructions, so to watch them collide in absurdity had a certain significance. Bruno’s butthole speaking eloquently to the chaos underneath the best laid plans of mice and networks.

Staged? Perhaps. But funny nonetheless. And the Ben Stiller tribute with Triumph, Kiefer Sutherland and Zac Efron was sheer genius.

It is June 1st. A new month. A new Weekly. My socks are washed and my coffee is relatively flavorful this morning as your humble narrator arises in New York City. The show starts less than three weeks away.

But before then, there are ‘bags to be mocked. And girls to be enjoyed for their unearned genetic merit. And away we go:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Milky McMuscle

A joke? Perhaps.

Like Bruno via Borat via Baron Cohen, is Milky a simulation of a stereotype of an echo of a putz?

Is this clown at a party impressing the ladies with some bizarro irono-baggery that is very much authentodouchewankerry?

Perhaps. But when the image becomes the real, we find douche.

I am pleased that Lithe Erika is finally getting the love that she deserves on the site. As pictured here and here, Milky Hott is a tiny, bouncy, slender bottle of hott water that we can all visually partake in drinking.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ezekiel and the Chiquita Hott, aka Friday Haiku

The ancient Hindu mystics would argue that 170 degree hat tilt actually forms a “third eye” upon this douchewank’s forehead.

Note the meditative formation between the large sunglasses-aided eyes and the half circle through the hat on the forehead.

Like Shiva before him, Ezekiel seeks spiritual guidance in the only place American culture offers it: Name brand vodka and overpriced articles of clothing.

And what do we make of tiny Chiquita Hott?

Her smug sneer and ‘tude suggest a stage-4 Bleeth. Unredeemable. Lost to the Douche Virus forever.

Yet her belly asks me to make “barrrruummppp!!” noises on it after drizzling honey onto it and sprinkling with a dash of cinammon.

And so we find hottie/douchey dialectic.

But enough to win the Weekly? We shall see.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tudo

Tudo see?

Tudo lick.

This pic just missed the cut in last week’s Weekly, and looking at this skeezy Vegas licking of hott, I think it deserves its own shot.

So I’m throwing Tudo into the mix this week.

Some say Tudo is a famous MMA fighter. I say anyone who gets an arbitrary tatt crawling up their shoulder like a brain addled beetle deserves the mock.

And bald head + chinstrap.

Seriously. Bald head + chinstrap.

Nicole is sweet and lickable. But not by Tudo. For he is choad.

So them’s your four. It was a light week last week, so really no near finalists. These are your three.

Which has both hott and douche in unholy cohabitation to earn the HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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