Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Perez Hilton


For wasting the collective world’s attention on inanity and purile poo, I’m giving a long overdue honorary Douchebag of the Month to ass pimple, blogger and whiny drama queen Perez Hilton.

Normally I don’t target the gaybags for the simple fact that it is those who douche it up to get the hotts that rankle me.

But for the fact that, despite all attempts to filter any and all knowledge of this Perez Hilton character from my brain, I still know that he got into a fight with William of the Black Eyed Peas last night, pisses me the hell off.

After someone emailed me this whining testimonal, it was time to give out an award to this preening, vacuous waste of space.

Do I care if Mr. Peas punched first? Do I care that you drew a penis mouth on Lindsey Lohan for the 400th consecutive day in a row?

Hedda Hopper called. She says you suck.

You are Warholian superstar pastiche without the self awareness. You are dim echo of 1980s gay counterculture, reprocessed and defanged as a slightly edgier version of the typical host on “E!” You make Michael Musto look like Oscar Wilde.

All the Lohans and Parises and Jessica Simpsons of the world, penises drawn on their faces, will never bring you comfort, Mr. Hilton. Your successful spew is still the spew of 57 websites and nothing on. Except penises drawn on Lindsey Lohan.

I may only make fun of Hot Chicks and Douchebags in my little corner of the simulacrum. But at least when I get into fights, I don’t think the world needs to know about every detail. You have become what you beheld, and no amount of ironic name moniker will save you from the fact you are driftwood monkey poo on a sea of crystalline narcissism and overhyped redundancies.

Take your blank page and fill it with the latest starlet drama. Repeat it enough times and the noise will be loud and fame enhanced. But it’s simply a feedback loop of white-noise douchosity. Clown.

Now get off my internets and go back to penis drawing.

# posted by douchebag1

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