Wednesday, July 8, 2009

HCwDB of the Week: The Tiki Douche


In an extremely close vote that came down to Tiki Douche’s outdoor grease and the power of Weekend at Bennie’s dual hotts, Tiki managed to squat out victory:

Paper or Plastic: Tiki Douche. He is a tribag shaman who magically levitates hair and makes human decency vanish before your eyes. Because of a douchenerative nerve disease he is incapable of lifting his hand above an ample bosom.

Emma G: Tiki Douche FTW. He makes puppies kill themselves.

Anon Gee Bee: One enthusiastic vote for Tiki Douche – and with a nod to the rest of his supporting cast there at Trader Prick’s. He’d be a solid choice even in a fairly normal poolside milieu, but the deck-of-fools scenery seals the win for me.

MoeDouche: Tiki FTW! The only thing against this DB is his mortal sin of wrapping the mandana around his wrist. According to the DB clothing etiquette, a mandana is to be folded twice and neatly wrapped around the DB’s forehead. Putting that aside, this DB is picture-perfect for the brunette hottie standing next to him.

Hong Kong Douchey: Tiki FTW. His “body of work” begs that he win the DotW and begin his inevitable march to the HoS. Hell, scrote-boy may wind up with his own wing in the building.

XOXO Kristi: Tiki Douche. That horrible ink should make it automatic.

Anonymous: Are you kidding me? Giant arm tats, super extra stupid sunglasses, white belt with studs, stupid pouty face? Super douche. As to the topic of Hot? Stripy shorts make everyone happy!

Edward Douchington, Esq: Tiki FTW! This douche has the bad tats, wristdanna, and that unmistakeable douche look in his face.Also,he is so douchey that he has managed to curse the tiki and turned it douchey!!

Ms. East: #2 Tiki Douche. Why? Because his tattoo looks like he let a first grader take to his arm with permanent marker. and because he is making the obnoxious rocker hand signal. and the kissy face. which makes me want to slap with with a dead fish.

manimal: Tiki laps the competition, and then some. Too much douche to stop. The tatt’s are garish and tacky. The HOTT is oral-able… I especially like the sacreligious “Bud Light” “Totem pole” – that’s gotta make some Metlakatla and Tlingit Tree Carvers roll over in their soggy graves… Ouch.

Douche Wayne: Tiki FTW. Why? 1) His bullsh*t, thrown-together tattoo. 2) Rosary bead subbed in for a wallet chain, a new douche accessory. 3) Studded belt. 4) A douche in his natural habitat – a boardwalk at the Jersey Shore. 5) The Hott’s bikini top. 6) Because the omnipotent Bud Light Tiki God told me so.

Well said, panel, with Douche Wayne’s list sealing a strong argument for HCwDB of the Week. But the votes for Bennie’s zombified corpse nearly pulled out the victory.

I R A Darth Auggie: I’m going with Weekend at Bennies FTW. He makes me want to punch a poodle in the nads, too.

Anonymous: Weekend at Bernie’s. It would take a real douchebag to unironically listen to Dokken.

Choad the Wet Sproket: Bennie FTW. If nothing else, his girls seem too sweet and innocent to be with that pile of human excrement.

Anonymous: Bennie – complete douche with two unbleethed hotts is a clear “winner” – and by winner, I mean complete turdburglar who makes me want to slaughter orphaned dolphins…

Vinny Scumbaglia: Without getting overmuch into the mano a mano douchrement breakdown, Tiki has more douchrements, Bennie has less. But Bennie has the choadacity to pose as if he’s actually making the jizz in his pants, whereas Tiki Douche is mainly just a scrotewit who’s been scribbled on.

Well said, and the surge in support for Bennie nearly pulled it out. Yet poor Morris, a previous HCwDB Winner under his Guyliner alternate identity, Crawdaddy came in a distant third:

Chris in ‘Baghdad: OK: the Tiki Douche is plenty entertaining, and clearly a huge douchebag, but the hapless Morris gets my vote. This putz has enough douchecentricity to get the prize without accoutrement, but Morris still douches it up with goofy D neck shirt, fake dog tags, obnoxious kissy faces, stoopid hand gestures, etc. I am not inspired, but I would still let my daughter kick him in the nuts.

Yeah, I probably should’ve caught Crawdaddy’s HCwDB return before he made the Weekly, but I’d blocked his scrotal visage from my brain, so cut me some slack. Back to Tiki Barfer, Bunuel’s Discrete Charm of the Doucheoise takes us home:

Tiki Douche FTW. Come on! Studded belt (like you’ve ever been to a punk show, shit bag), wallet chain (were you a skater in the early ’90s?), wristdana (to wipe the grease from your shiny ass forehead perhaps?), idiotic mix of tribal and Asian letter tats (is there any culture you don’t like to fetishize?), rosary beads (dumbest trend in ages), wrap around douche shades (douche), gelled faux hawk (douche), and various facial piercings (jackoff) make him the scroat of the week, for sure. The fact that such a luscious kitten is hanging off his arm demands the convening of a tribunal of the International Criminal Court. To The Hague with him!

To the Hague, indeed, DCotD. For crimes against poomanity. Chalk up the Tiki Ti-bagger for the Monthly, and a well deserved return of creepy Bud Light Totem Pole.

# posted by douchebag1

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