Monday, August 24, 2009

HCwDB of the Week

A new week. A new round of hottie/douchey mock, as the DB1 wishes for more Peyton List in Mad Men’s Season three.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Rufus Veinwright

I heard there was a secret scrote…

whose favorite cereal is Honey Nuts and Oats,…

…but you don’t really care about cereal, do you?…

It goes like this…

The hair, the roids…

The forehead vein,…

The existential void…

That baffles the clueless hott… with Hallipoojah…

Apologies to Leonard Cohen and to Rufus Wainright. This guy is a douche. And our lady friend isn’t naturally a-list, but has undeniable suckle thigh.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Eurobag

About time we get back to the basic ‘bag tagging categories.

This is a primary one.

An archetype, if you will.

The Euroscrote. Poofy hair. Douchey bling. Chest reveal. Angora “Ed Wood” sweater.

And, the clincher, Bedazzler jeans. I can’t help but wonder what the scions of the Left Bank in Paris would say to know that after a century of military invasion, cultural transformation, modernity shifting into postmodern crisis, and, of course, tasty fromage, this is all they’d have to show for it.

Monique is all that’s natural and bouncy about the Eurohott, and her smile should be celebrated with fireworks and tree humping.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tarzana: King of the Bunghole

As with Rufus Veinwright, Tarzana is a douche who would be a heaping uberscrote if making the “Kissy Lips” or “Douche Pout,” but is nearly saved by his happy and relatively friendly un-douchey expression.

As a result, Tarzana is hard to hate.

He just looks happy to be there.

This in spite of shirtlessness in the club, hair spike, absurd pec tatt, nipple ring (!), hint of chin pube, and bizarre fig-leaf dressup.

Rachel Ray is going to teach a cooking show later, and while her arm tatt is beyond over-the-top unnecessary, and she’s on the heavy side, there’s still something tasty about her facial expression.

It says, “I would paddle your bottom, DB1. And then make you cocoa.”

So them’s your three. Not the greatest week of pics, but this is all fodder for next week’s Smoot coronation. And I still need your vote.

Which of these three has the right mix of hott and douche to call itself HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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