Wednesday, August 5, 2009

HCwDB of the Week: Smoot


While your humble narrator coalesces, jacked on Motrin, The Smootster and Brunette Crystal Red-Tongue (sounds like a wampa chief) take the prize.

The run of pics, not including yesterday’s puppy, here, here , here and The Freakshow pic here cannot be denied. The voters speak:

The Donger: When I see Smoot, especially as his alter ego Freakshow, it brings me back to my youth reading comic books and remembering the arch-villians portrayed in them. Smoot would be featured as a formidable enemy in a Marvel comic – if Marvel needed to feature the Hulk rescuing bleeths from Axe body spray, bad tattoos, and the smirk of doom. It might be too much, even for the Hulk. Smoot FTW.

Mr. Scrotato Head: The week must go to Smoot. His douchiness is so near perfect that it stands upon the razor’s edge that is poo, as scrotesque as is douchally possible without becoming orange.

eltango: crystal’s tongue makes me think she would toss a salad.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: When you buy the “My First Douchebag” kit from Fisher-Price, this is what you get when you assemble all the parts. Smoot FTW.

Don’t ‘bag me, bro: I vote for Smoot. The fact that he has poisoned the well that is Crystal hott has angered me. Just the thought of Crystal hott can cure most forms of erectile dysfunction. Indeed, she should be patented and available only by prescription. But Smoot has brought evil and toxicity to her. Alas, I shall never have her. My only consolation is that he has given her an uncurable STD. We’re all proud of you Smoot!

Teddy KGB: The Freakshow pic (yes, it is Smoot) is the single best photo I have ever seen on Hot Chicks With Douchebags. It features the most ridiculous looking bag AND the hottest ass ever! Therefore, it must be Smoot! He must go on and battle E-Blo in the yearly! It is his douch-stiny!

memphis doucheworkers local 421: Smoot for the win. He is the exxon valdez of douche. Furthermore, cheeto’s girl is not attractive enough, and stache is somehow more laughably absurd than rage-inducing. For me, a weekly winner needs to possess at least entry-level quality hott AND the ability to inspire immediate kitten-punting fury. Smoot brings it on both fronts.

J-Pompous: The roids, the mandanas, the soulpatch, the fauxhawk, the hat tilts, the oversized shades, the over-the-top tatts, the 500 dollar torn up designer jeans, the belts, the belt buckles, the hand gestures, and most of all, THAT FACE next to THAT LOVELY BEHIND= SMOOT FTW and HOS

Anonymous: my vote is for Smoot, so many things wrong, it’s just overwhelming. Like emptying my toddler son’s diaper pail.

“My Toddler Son’s Diaper Pail” would make a great title for a biography of Smoot. Well deconstructed, team. Excellent work as always. Everyone gets an A. And I graded on a curve. A solid but distant second was the creepy oldbaggery of the ‘Stachebagger and Assorted Long Island Young Mom Jenny Hotts:

Anonymous: Yes Smoot is epic and deserves a wildcard entry into the monthly, but ‘stachebagger is more rage-inducing and “hot Long Island young mom” status is still hott no matter how you pound it.

Emma G: Stachebagger FTW. His ‘dad like’ appearance makes me want to adopt a Chinese baby girl, learn French and judo kick my cousin in the face. Makes no sense? Well you take one look at stachebagger and tell me ANYTHING MAKES SENSE!!

ac douchey: the stachebagger is mighty. he needs a bath, a shave, and a baseball bat to the teeth. absolutely enraging to witness. he looks like a homeless/roofer/molester/bon jovi fan/cheap vodka swilling/illiterate douchetard, and i feel bad typing this because i don’t want to lump this turd in with anyone decent who may also be a roofer or illiterate or a homeless person or who drinks cheap liquor.

Drinking cheap liquor is what got me through High School, ACD. Good work. Nearly tied with the ‘Stachebagger, in Third Place but with horrified voters voicing support, was the burnt crisp Cheeto Man:

notadouche: I couldn’t decide, so I asked myself a question. . . if these three douchebags were invading your home, and you only had one bullet, who threatens our society the most??? Cheeto Man

Anonymous: Jesus, people. Do you even have eyes? FOR CHRISTS SAKE, JUST LOOK AT HIM. CHEETO.

The Douche Will Out: The Cheeto Man has no need to be elected Douchebag Supreme Of All Eternity; it is his unholy birthright.

Captain Bringdown: Cheeto is the living embodiment of Epic Fail Guy, A caricature of humanity who, despite aggressively pursuing failure, cannot achieve it. He fails to fail.

Excellent comments, and the epic post by The Douche Will Out in the thread deserves praise for its poetic vision. The 2009 Douchie Award for Orangest Orange may be one of the toughest votes of the year at the Douchies in December.

But Deputy Douche explains why Smoot and Crystal are more than the sum of their hottie/douchey douchetributes:

Smoot does not have any remarkable douche characteristics. No extraordinary orange. No tache. No extreme faux. (Although I think his doucheface is probably one of the most punchable ever).

But what he has is the best of the basics. We shouldn’t be distracted by gimics. Smoot is not A Rod. He is Jeter. And because of that he is the best. Yes, Smoot FTW. F@ck You, Smoot!

Mark this vote on the calendar, as all three of these finalists will likely be up for 2009 Douchie Awards, and this was only a Weekly. Hard to believe this was just a Weekly win.

And by hard to believe, I mean Crystal’s cute tongue.

Smoot in the Monthly, and the DB1 for more Motrin.

# posted by douchebag1

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