Wednesday, September 2, 2009

HCwDB of the Month: Smoot and Crystal


Rarely do we see such douchal/hottal domination in a Monthly. Smoot and Crystal are that domination.

Like young Mike Tyson and the Ebola virus before them, theirs was a run of unparallelled scrotepuddery: Pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6. and pic #7.

The voters speak:

Marlon Brandouche: This month is all the Smoot’s. He is a shoe-in for the Hall. And by “shoe” I mean “you are a f’ing scary lunatic”, and by Hall I mean “your chick has a big butt”. Smoot, I would doff my fedora to you if I wore one which I don’t because it is so douchey.

eltango: smoot FIRST! crystal in the end. and by in the end, you know what i mean.

BillDouchiest the Wild Swine: Smoot, accept no substitute. He is the Porsche of douchetude.

“Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock: Smoot is all things evil and sloppy in the world today. Even though his hot does not remotely come close to the Eurobag’s or Smuckheard’s, he is douche enough to make the members of Buck Cherry blush. Smoot is a the reason why Nihilism exists, the sole reason Nietzsche declared God to be dead. I hereby up turn my thumbs to Smoot.

Douche Wayne: While I wanted to give it to Schmuckhead for sheer magnitude of asspear, Smoot is the douchy-er douchebag. The poses, the tatts, the bleeths; this is the textbook example of how one “douches”.

AV: Other ‘bags can only stand in awe of Smoot. Day in and day out Smoot sports looks of similar underlying theme yet he always manages to keep it fresh. Remarkable. His hotts are just that – Hotts. Curvy and buxom. So what if they are a tad tainted. Plus, he has perfected his own limp-neck douche pose. This lends Smoot a certain humbleness not often found in douchebags. Smoot is a douche virtuoso; ceaselessly atop his own game.

saulgoode42: No one comes even close to Smoot & Crystal. They play more dress-up than Elton John at a sock hop.

Medusa Oblongata: Smoot OOZES douche like a popped pimple weeps lymph and pus. His scrotifications go beyond mere adouchetrements, he truly radiates douche aura. When the douche aura combines with the actual adouchetrements, it is a one-two visceral punch that leaves those of common sense reeling, gasping for breath, and terrified.

Willie Wonkadouche: Smoot. His doucheface makes me want to suck an exhaust pipe.

Seargent Scrote Stain: In a monthly of such epic proportion, I turn to the late, great, Franklin D. Roosevelt for some words of wisdom, “We have nothing to fear, but Smoot himself.” If a badass like FDR was scared of Smoot, then I am flat out petrified. Smoot will not be denied. He is the destroyer of planets. The bleether of babes. And without a doubt, the Douchebag of the Month.

keeperdesign: Smoot makes me want to adopt a male and female panda, craft them a loving and danger-free habitat, encourage them to reproduce, then greet the precious, endangered infant panda into the world by punching it in the face. Twice.

Paul Muad’Smoot the Kwisatz Scroterach: Plato argued that all objects and concepts exist are pale imitations of an ideal, and that in an imperfect world, the ideal does not manifest. Smoot begs to differ. He is the archetype of douchedom. Indeed, I propose that the term “Douche” be dropped henceforth from the lexicon, in favor of “Smoot”.

Wheezer: Smoot FTW. Claudina Ass Pear may top Crystal in hottness, but Schmuckhead hasn’t diversified his douche portfolio as has Smoot. And in these tough economic times, when EF Smuttin’ talks, scrotewanks listen.

Anonymous: Smoot and Crystal FTW! I could go on and list all the reasons I voted for Smoot, but the last person to write that much about poo(h) was A. A. Milne

Max: It must be the Smoot. One look in his eyes shows that not only is he douchey to the core, but he welcomes it and grows stronger every day. He’s got everything you can imagine…the wristdana, the dew-rag-under-self-important-hat combo, and even pointless hip bling. He could make a strong case for HCwDB of the Year if he keeps it up…

Ashfish: I’m willing to pimp myself out right now just to get enough money to fly wherever the hell he is and beat the crap out of him for being such a stain on that which is the fabric of society. A sticky, smelly, unrecognizable stain that makes you just throw the entire garment out instead of facing the ridicule from the cleaners.

Dr. Douchebag: I gotta go with Smoot. The face he makes here makes me want to obliterate my LCD, not to mention all the douche-cessories.

Excellent work, panel. And to think, Smoot turned a power-STD like Schmuckhead into a footnote. Unreal. Poor Schmuckhead. Poor Claudina Ass Pear:

PhilthyPhil: I am going to go with Schmuckhead though I think Smoot has this by a mile. Smuckheads Latina ass-pear has won me over simply because I think they can be saved and might actually date a non douche if given the opportunity. Crystal is a bleethed douchette and probably goes out looking for guys like Smoot on a daily basis.

08armydoc: And after much thought (and by “thought”, I mean vomit), my vote is definitely Schmuckhead, and I’ll share my reasoning. He was born to be mocked. There’s such an element of idiocy and JerzGuid/musclehead to his being, with a heavy sprinkling of airhead, though somehow with a slight innocence of and humor at his being an asshole.

And while Scrote Baio and The Eurobag also found votes, this was a Smootslide. I turn it over to Original ‘Bag Hunter Mitch Meats for the final word on Smoot:

Smoot, handily.

Handily, indeed. And by handily, I mean wear white gloves. And by indeed, I mean we’ll see this couple at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December.

# posted by douchebag1

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