Monday, October 5, 2009

HCwDB of the Month

You know what needs to be done.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mack the Nozzle and Francine

What more can be said?

Pierced up and ridiculously tatted reality TV something-or-other uberclown meets sweet n’ hotter blonde Popsicle hott in a garment rending collision of taint.

It’s like the WWE Smackdown of hottie/douchey commingling.

And what of pics 2, pic 3 and pic 4?

It is the dance of choad.

The Clash of the Tit-ans.

Yeah, I just wrote “Clash of the Tit-ans.”

Because I’m ready to get down on the metaphoric pun dance floor.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Crabs McGee and Minnie Von Shtup

Groin Shave Reveal. GSR may be one of the most depressing new douchal innovations of 2009. And Crabs brings it with backpack, single white glove, and ridiculously overdeveloped abs.

Energy suppliment ad or no, this pic offers just way too much visible taint-line to not be mocked unmercifully.

Or is that unmercilessly?

Hells, I don’t know.

I do know that I would do naughty things to Minnie’s neck area using only chopsticks and special kimchi dishes prepared in rural South Korea.

Minnie has scoliosis? Perhaps.

But I would forgive her her skeletal difficulties and discuss whether it was Joyce or Borges who truly ushered in the limits of subjectivity in modern literature. She would think I was pretentious, which of course I am. And then I would hump her leg.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Hipsterbag, aka Hipster Frank

It is not easy downgrading from the uberspectacle HCwDBs of our first two finalists to this real world scrotal pudwhack.

Hipster Frank is nothing outrageous. But that only makes his pudholery more mock worthy.

Brenda and Wanda are real world ladies, with sultry brunette Brenda bringing Quartasian hottness to the mix.

Notice the jangley bling. The d-neck shirty. The glasses at night.

Do not underestimate real world pooery. It may not be pro spectacle like our first two choices. But it is in many ways even more insidious.

Williamsburg? Austin? The Mission in San Francisco? Enclaves of Hipster douche. You’re on notice. HCwDB will mock your ass for throwing that cheez-it game, just as we mock the Jerz Puds.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Shiny Head Sheldon and Sienna

Our second “real world” HCwDB, or perhaps a schrod who operates liminally, between Hipsterbag reality and Crabs McGee spectacle.

SHS brings two factors that make him the official dark horse with a chance of upset in this contest:

1. Enough bling jangle to annoy Hellen Keller.

2. The ultra tasty purity of Sienna, burning brightly singing songs about bluebirds and cupcakes and thigh rubbing.

Notice SHS’s shiny-ass head.

Notice the douche-sneer.

Punch your monitor yet? You will. Keep staring.

So them’s your four. Two performative spectacle dress-up douches with bottle blonde princesses. Two “real world” douches with real world hott brunettes (and one BFF).

What to do, what to do? Who shall win the coveted slot in the Yearly at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December?

That, fellow hunters and huntresses, is why I rely on you. It’s why I got my ass up early today to write this. Do not let me down. Vote, as always, for your choice in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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