Wednesday, October 14, 2009

HCwDB of the Week: The ‘Barrowbag and Alana


After an early lead by Tiny Tony the Mack, The ‘Barrowbag, aka “Matt Floorian,” aka “Floor Mattian,” and the sexy slightly Annie Hall crosseyed hottness of Alana, were too strong a hottie/douchey couple to be denied the victory. The voters speak:

Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt: While Tony took buttons to a previously uncharted level of doucheosity, Matt ‘The Barrowbag’ brings comfort to our search for the common signifiers: tats (check), spikey hair (check), chin strap/anchor chin (check), stupid pose (check). Barrowbag and Alana FTW in the Garden of Poo and Douchal.

Tony Ventresca: Barrowbag and Alana… because (1) she is wonderful and could be achieving at a higher level, and (2) he epitomizes the wannabe-tough-guy suburban white dude who gets weird haircuts, facial hair, and covers himself with tatoos, when in fact he’s really just a junior accountant at KPMG and lame as hell.

The Donger: Barrowbag FTW. Taking the picture in the bathroom makes sense to me – the last time I saw this guy I was repeatedly trying to flush him down the toilet as the floating poo that refused to die. Looks like Alana is having trouble getting him out too.

Mike: Shirtlessness in the bathroom is not objectionable. In fact, nothing short of eating a bucket of chicken while grunting out a number two in front of a webcam is actually unallowable while in the confines of your own water closet. And that’s just mostly because it’s terribly unsanitary. However, doggy bagging, in whatever form, is unallowable. Who the hell takes these pictures? If you are really so happy to show everyone that you’re f@cking why don’t you just make a sex tape like normal, god fearing Americans? You’re not fooling anyone, ‘Barrowbag. Your paunch is filling out, in a couple years you’re going to end up just like Kevin there

Tipsy McDouche: Barrow bag ftw. He has the hottest hott. For some reason he has a friend taking pictures in the bathroom. Maybe it is her friend and she likes to watch. You see where this is going. Barrow’s overall look states his commitment to being a douchebag, that tatt isn’t going anywhere.

scrotum pole: Alana’s arched back and ample breasts intrigue me.I’m not sure why, but I would gain a certain level of satisfaction in placing her naked, atop a workbench. I would then proceed to lightly spray her nipples with WD 40 while she lovingly fondled a torque wrench. ‘Barrowbag’s tough-guy expression creates in me a seething hatred and a desire to glue dozens of baby hamsters to a sheet of paper and systematically pop each one as a child would pop bubble wrap.

Baron Von Goolo: ‘Barrowbag receives both my vote and two scoops of my scorn. Alana receives my endorsement for Hall of Hott and a hearty handshake from Li’l Baron.

Brown Bag Special: Not only for his chin-strapped smugness, but for his juxtaposition of a rabid Chim-chim with his pregnancy tits: the ‘Barrowbag. Plus, he ruins Alana like Tony ruins Elisabeth Shue.

Steve L.: the Barrowbag’s douchosity is all natural. not artificially enhanced by the heat of the moment in some club scene. and that qualifies Barrowbag & Alana for my vote.

Medusa Oblongata: Shirtlessness in the bathroom? Totally acceptable. That would be, of course, while one is readying himself in the morning, or unreadying himself later. Shirtlessness in the bathroom to pose for a Doggie ‘Bagging pic? Superdouche. Especially when doggie ‘bagging such a fine specimen that you don’t deserve, you carb-scarfing gristlewad. If you must show off, Lay off the pizza and beer. Hurry, before I come over there and find her G-spot, spay your bedroom set with her frantic love fluids and you never see her again.

riverdouche: barrow by a thigh high boot.

Well said, team. Clearly the hott power of Alana carried the shirtless ‘Barrowbag to the win. But Tony the Mack’s thousand yard stare and mugging of lithe Paulina found significant support as well:

Jacques Doucheteau: Tony the Mack FTW. He’s about as classy looking as the half-eaten wheel of Brie that’s been aging in the back of my ‘fridge since February.

Mr. Scrotato Head: My 14-y.o. son came to me asking for a fedora to “look cool”. I showed him Tony the Mack’s picture. He took one look at what his future might hold and quickly beat himself severely before sending himself to bed without any pimento loaf.

Dr. DB: Tony the Mack is short, his sleeves are too long, his hat was worn by Ted Knight in Caddyshack, and the Paid to Pose hot is hot. And for this reason Tony takes himself very seriously and must be mocked as the DB of the Week.

TracieO: I’m going for Tony and Paulina FTW. She may not be superhott and he may not be uberscrote, but they’re the worst for the week.

Troy Tempest: Tony the Mack, because he took a perfectly undouchey hat and turned it into a crime against humanity.

denno: Tony has no defense. He’s shorter then Joe Pesci but has no talent. The hott is very intriguing….paid or not. Tony is just a frigging greasy douchebag…..Tony FTW

doucheintheheartoftexas: Tony the mack FTW: short stack is rocking a faux silk shirt not seen in that shade since the Johnny Miller Menswear from Sears collection of ’72 AND a von Trapp family collection hat not seen since Austria 1939.

“Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock: Tony the Mack is the reason why David Human was concerned about an inquiry into human understanding. Well that, and he was obsessed with things that smell like syphilis and those green tree car fresheners. I hate red shoes.

eltango: tony the mack is a douche minstrel at the renaissance fair and paulina is a delicious turkey drumstick with a side of sweet roasted corn… tony the mack for the axe toss!!!

kellygirl: I vote for Tony for his lack of neck which is only accentuated by that ridiculous shirt. That girl must have been right off the boat from Slutvia to go anywhere near him in that lame-ass get up.

Tony came close, but there’s only one “Mack” in this town, and he’s a Nozzle. Poor, douchey Kevin, of Attleboro, Massachusetts, wasn’t able to transcend his limited townie future, coming in a distant third.

Anonymous: For looking like the result of some diabolical experiment in which a mad scientist grafted the head of a lesbian onto the body of pro golfer John Daly, I vote for Kevin.

The Dude: I cast my vote for Kevin, because damn, that’s a funny story you tell about his devastating life. And, he’s got a chin strap, rosary beads, and he’s a douchebag. This is the high point of Kevin’s life; let him into the monthly!

The Douche of Earl: Kevin FTW. Anyone who wears a shirt that mimics ChromaFlair color-shifting pigment paint is an ass hole. He also only buttons the bottom 3 buttons so that the tongue of his dragon tat on his shaved chest can be visible. A chin strap that leads up to a weak attempt at the ancient Peruvian Nazca lines in his head tops it off.

Kevin will console himself by drinking himself into oblivion by the age of 48. But finally, lets turn it over to Mr. Biggs to take us home:

I have to go with barrowbag and alana. There is a dynamic of engagement here that just doesn’t exist with the others. Barrowbag isn’t even that douchey, if you go by the generic tattoo wearing hair spiking gym going douchebag to be not so douchy. But the picture is meant to demonstrate Alana’s irrevocable lock by the douche. For that we get the win on engagement.

Oh Alana. You’re a baaad girl. We know. But wallowing in shit doesn’t make you bad. It just makes you stink.

Yes. Yes it does. Excellent work all around, ‘bag taggers. The real world douchosity/hottie bathroom wrongness of the ‘Barrowbag and sexy curvy Alana make them a deserving weekly victor/loser, and we’ll see them in the Monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

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