Friday, November 13, 2009

Ask DB1: Is MMA Auto-Scrote?


—-
DB1,

The last time I went back to my home town, I was a a bar with some friends and we were making fun of a rather douchey looking individual (stupid tats, affliction shirts, hat with stickers, dumb facial hair, etc).

Later when I walked past him, he stopped me and turns out it was an old friend of mine from high school (who was not really a douche back then). After talking to him for a bit, he mentioned he had gotten into MMA stuff.

I realized that this was not the first time that I have met someone who was a huge douche who had gotten involved with MMA.

Most of them are not black belt anything but seem to just use it as an excuse to not contribute to society and as a way to try to get chicks. I know this doesn’t apply to all cases, like Timothy Lopez and his “Dog” story, but it seems to be rising douche factor.

What are your thoughts?

TM
—–

I place macho spectacles like Tap Out and the MMA in with the WWE. So much of it is a theatrical, cartoonish performance of hyper-real masculinity that some basic leniency is granted to the performers paid to act that way. Making fun of these fighters acting douchey would be like calling out Stallone for greasing up for Rambo. Stallone may be a douche, but not for performing as Rambo in a film. It’s part of the shtick.

But calling out the fans who hope they can play tough guy dress-up to get hot poonany? Absolutely. If you cover yourself with brand names and labels, and they’re not paying you to wear them, you are autoscrote.

# posted by douchebag1
7:17 pm November, 13 Anonymous said...

Preach the good word DB!

7:20 pm November, 13 IL Douché said...

I don't know much about MMA, so are these the fans we're seeing here, or the fighters?

7:25 pm November, 13 Mr. White said...

I would let the ladies shown here take me into the octagon and take turns armlocking me firmly against their naughty bits and pinning me repeatedly.

And with that sentence, I have exhausted pretty much all of my knowledge of MMA. And given myself an erection.

7:25 pm November, 13 DarkSock said...

@ Vander:

Wow.

How long had he been dead when this photo was taken?

7:28 pm November, 13 DarkSock said...

Baggers beware when mocking The Tapout
Because to our Mom's basement they may get to map out;
We'll walk downstairs to mock
With our fav'rite batin' sock
And they'll proceed to kick all our crap out.

7:29 pm November, 13 DarkSock said...

Isaac Hayes Hulk in the middle has been on several Nickelodeon Kids shows; he's a sweet pea.

Nottadouche.

7:29 pm November, 13 El Caganer said...

What is this? Rasslen for dummies?
I would let the chicks pin me.

7:32 pm November, 13 "Lesbian Thermos" Ernie Tubesock said...

I once mudflapped out a meat missile so large and brown that it could've passed as Kimbo Slice's right thigh.

I repeatedly muy thai kicked it until my shin smelt like over the counter drugs and dead opossums.

7:33 pm November, 13 jonezy said...

They say the martial arts are a mixin
and their shirts are stained with affliction
they punch and they kick
but mostly suck dick
which would explain their terrible diction

7:34 pm November, 13 DarkSock said...

It became apparent in their final recording that The Polyphonic Spree had sadly fallen victim to meth addiction.

7:37 pm November, 13 DarkSock said...

Q: What do you get with a room with 32 MMA fighters in it?

A: A full set of teeth

7:44 pm November, 13 I R A Darth Aggie said...

the guy on the far right is dead, so be a little easy on him

So, he OD'd on makeup? someone jammed guyliner into his brain? or did someone light a match shortly after drenching himself in Axe??

7:44 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

Oh, to spar in the midst of a ring
With Josephine would make my cockk sing
I'd bodyslam her hard
Upon the ropes with my nard
Until the round bell rang "ding, ding ding!"

7:48 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

Brutal sport takes braun
Braincells recoil in terror
Retirement? None.

7:59 pm November, 13 DarkSock said...

@ I.R.A. Darth Aggie:

No, actually he was apparently racing his Ferrari against some 51-year old douche's Porsche on a public road at 1 am when a telephone pole decided to join in.

It ended badly.

The Porsche won.

8:00 pm November, 13 DarkSock said...

Wheezer can tell us, but I believe it ended the same way for Johnny Blaze, except it was a Camaro, not a Porsche.

A Camaro…in New Jersey….Who knew?!?

8:08 pm November, 13 jonezy said...

looks to me like the telephone pole won

8:11 pm November, 13 jonezy said...

usually there are brains splattered all over the place in these situations.

The firemen were shocked to find no evidence of brains whatsoever.

(Braun was all over the place though)

8:21 pm November, 13 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

Asimo challenged me to street race, but I figured we take it to the 'gon.

8:22 pm November, 13 Vin Douchal said...

I don't know about notadouche but I will say notasport.

If they made a rule stating that any grappling on the mat that lasted more than 20 seconds needed to be stopped and both "fighters" started over again , maybe it would be good entertainment.

If I want two watch to muscular guys in tighty underwear wrestle I'd just go to SpursFan's House of Gay Stuff.com

8:27 pm November, 13 Vin Douchal said...

So, y'all are saying this guy died during an ilegal street race?

And the sympathy starts when?

8:34 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

@Vin,

Plus, he lived in Newport Beach… the birthplace of trustfund douchebags.

8:37 pm November, 13 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

I'm gonna have to go with Vin Douchal here and say it's definitely nottasport…

…it's more of a homoerotic teabag festival.

Yes, absolutely yes if you are afflicted with the worship of such testosterone displays and wear their advertisements for free you are totally a fuckin' douchebag.

8:43 pm November, 13 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

@ Vin Douchal

Completely with you man. Although I certainly will give MMA "sport" status, I think it's a sloppy sport at best. I used to wrestle in high school and boxed while in college and have immense respect for both sports, they're pretty damn vicious, especially when you take making weight into account, which sucks balls. But MMA is just a watered down version of the sports. If I want to watch punching, I'll turn on some boxing, if I'm in the mood for two dudes slamming each other onto the ground (feel free to insert gay jokes at any point) I'll watch wrestling.

MMA is a bunch of dudes who couldn't hack it in either venue (except Brock Lesnar – former NCAA Champ) or want to seem tough. I enjoy the knockout highlights, but that's only because I see douchebags that much closer to death. I mean, douchebags killing douchebags via hand to hand combat? Now that's mother fucking justice. Man, if Nero had thrown douches to the lions instead of Christians, we might have avoided this epidemic altogether.

8:43 pm November, 13 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

I always thought that the tough guy, super macho, brand obsessed type was the definition of a douche bag.

8:44 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

"I enjoy the knockout highlights, but that's only because I see douchebags that much closer to death."

That was beautiful. Heh heh.

8:51 pm November, 13 Captain Bringdown said...

Girls are putting on a good front. Most homeless shelters usually smell like the floor of a diaper service truck.

8:58 pm November, 13 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

^ Crucial

It's Friday, aweful week of work, and I've been yearning for a drink since 7 am; what can I say, compassion is pretty low rght now.

Good luck to your boys this weekend, I'm looking forward to our Buckeye – Trojan rematch in the Rose Bowl come New Year's Day. Third time's a charm!

Ps. The dude that's dead wasn't a fighter, he was however the designer of the "affliction" brand. He was the mastermind behind a whole genre of douche, and although his death is tragic, it is somewhat fitting.

9:02 pm November, 13 Wheezer said...

Oh my, here we go again with the sports/DB connections. Heh heh…..

MMA <> autoscrote, but using the products as a means to an end (getting laid) means DOUCHE just as DB1 said.

But hey, don't forget we have some MMA fighters on the site – most recently (as far as I know), we have Archie McScrote, AKA Mack the Nozzle. Before Mack's appearance, though, Kendall "Da Spyder" Grove offered his take on being featured in a teeny tiny photo on page 3 of The Book.

I'm sorry, that should read "The Magazine". But you'll have to make him your YouTube friend to see that video, methinks.

9:07 pm November, 13 Wedgie said...

Kevin Ferguson (Kimbo Slice) gets a notta; anyone who was the bouncer for Reality Kings is ok with me.

I don't know much about the MMA scene, but I do know that Kimbo got dumped on his ass in 14 seconds by a guy named Seth Petruzelli. Even a waterlogged old dog like me knows you should never, ever lose a fight to someone named Seth.

9:15 pm November, 13 The Donger said...

I think it's a case by case basis on determining douchiness – MMA status does not automatically make you a douche, but it makes you a suspect (aka Brock Lesnar).

I met Kimbo Slice waiting for a flight a few months ago. His entourage was a bunch of scrotebags, but he was an ok guy to chat with. He gets a nottadouche pass because he was down to earth with the people waiting to get on the plane, and he could rip me limb from limb if he so chose.

9:17 pm November, 13 Anonymous said...

Pretty much if you wear an Affliction shirt, you're a douchebag. There are a lot of other dbag brands as well. But I don't believe Tapout is one of them. Well, at least dbags with the heart of gold.

10:45 pm November, 13 Anonymous said...

I love the website, but why do you have to hate on facial hair? Is there any kind of facial hair that isn't douchey? I have a problem with men who rip on other men for having facial hair. Did the wives and girlfriends make their men shave their face bare? If your women want to rub their hands on something smooth and hairless…. maybe they should have hooked up with another woman. Men have facial hair. Be a freagin man for once in your life. You only live once. Grow a little something and nurture it.

10:54 pm November, 13 G. Gorgeous Clitty said...

Facial hair is not douchie if it doesn't reach the levels of ludicrosity that is often seen in Brothabag Leon, and the many others, who have chosen to carve their facial hair into various and sundry designs that would make even the most ardent of Frank Gehry fans blush with shame.

11:01 pm November, 13 Vin Douchal said...

Handlebar mustaches are decidely not douchy

11:14 pm November, 13 Teddy Tendergass said...

Unibrow's are somewhat douchie.

Though I'd give a pass to Wolf Boy.

11:16 pm November, 13 Weekend Bagger said...

2 year plus viewer/poster here….Ive trained in MMA for a few years, wrote for an MMA magazine and even hosted an MMA radio show for a little while and one thing I can tell you is that the ones who ARE wearing all the clothes and looking douchey are the ones who are not fighters and dont even train……MMA circles are very tight and extremely elitest. If you even give off the vibe of a poser, you are labled one and harrassed endlessly…..I will concede though that the sport does unintentionally cause poser tools to go out and buy horrible shirts with horrible labels in an attempt to look more "real"….there is a correlation between the less legit someone is in the sport and the more MMA clothing they wear. So next time you see someone wearing Affliction or TapOut and they claim they are a fighter, feel free to call them out. 99% guarenteed theyve never even trained

11:25 pm November, 13 Wheezer said...

"Handlebar mustaches are decidely not douchy"

Vin = Rollie Fingers?

Whoa, all this time and, unbeknownst to us, we've had a celebrity 'baghunter/singer/songwriter in our midst…..

1:06 am November, 14 Dave D said...

Hate to say it, but you guys are so wrong on this one. Where to begin? Well, first of all, I'm an MMA fan and NOT a douchebag. I wear jeans and a t-shirt and have never been to a club in my life. Grouping all MMA fans with douchebags is just stupid. But nice try.

Secondly, Tap Out is a brand, not a sport. Along that note, MMA is NOTHING like WWE. Please, do some research. There is no acting in MMA. It is real fights. Whether or not you agree with the sport (which is what it is) is irrelevant. There is no hyper-masculine bullshit associated with it. Anyone looking for that will find it. However MMA is widely recognized to be a competitive sport with athletes that among the toughest in the world.

1:15 am November, 14 Whoop-di-douche said...

MMA=muscle madness autoscrote

5:46 am November, 14 ma said...

sorry to be a buzzkill, but I am pretty sure the 2 guys in this picture wearing the even-more-than-ridiculous clothing are the owners of TapOut. The one on the right, in the army jacket, passed away last year. I think his nickname was "Mask".

-crazy-sexy-douche

6:34 am November, 14 Anonymous said...

MMA in and of itself does not equate to Auto-scrote. I have taken classes for over two years now myself and it is some seriously hard stuff. I don't act or dress like a douche because of it. I'd rather find a 'bag and put him in a triangle douche choke. If a cement head is acting douchey, hate the playa, not the game.

Kimbo = nottadouche. He does seriously beat down some 'bags on YouTube (see him vs. Adrian), however. DB1 should post some of those clips here.

-Douche Bauer

1:51 pm November, 14 Steve L. said...

as i've maintained, the only time when MMA was nottadouche was back when UFC tapes were banned in 40+ states.

today, the only exception i accept is UFC guy talking about Guido Beach with Steve Cofield.

2:21 am November, 15 Fiddy said...

Yo, I be back mofos!

3:15 am November, 15 Anonymous said...

The whole picture gets a nottadouche pass just cause of the beard. Kimbo Slice FTW.

3:06 am November, 16 Anonymous said...

I think that the picture chosen here is a poor representation of douche and kind of contradicts the whole MMA thing. One of those guys died in a car wreck and kimbo slice who came from the ghettos of miami. Really? You could have at least used a pic of Kendall grove or Josh thomson or rob mccollough.

5:15 pm November, 16 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

Yes, MMA is autodouche. It is the favorite "sport" (some say the Offical Sport) of douchebags, so guilt by association rules.

Kimbo Slice is a fraud, and a turd.

I've never understood the appeal of this "sport."

10:45 pm November, 16 ALPHA said...

MMA is not autoscrote.It is the next great spectator sport.The wardrobe is "evolving" however.

8:24 pm November, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

I watched some MMA the other day and it gave me a new appreciation for why boxing is a gentleman's sport. So much BS goes on in MMA, you can hardly consider it real fighting. Boxing just cuts out the crappy moves and sticks with the meat and potatoes… punching a guy in the head till he falls.

9:42 pm November, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

Plus the people I know who are legitimately into that style of fighting say they do Brazilian Jiu-Kitsu, not MMA. So there's definitely a poseur-douche mentality to the whole sport. At least on the fan level.

1:13 am November, 18 Anonymous said...

KIMBO SLICE!!!!

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