Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Ask DB1: "The Cosmobag"


—–
DB1,

I was wondering if you could discuss a new trending topic I’ve seen sweeping the douchebag nation.

It’s something I like to call it the “I’m from NY/LA/Miami/Las Vegas” phenomenon.

It seems to me like the cool thing to do now is for douchebags (AND douchebagettes – they may actually be more guilty of this than your typical run-of-the-mill dbag) to claim that they’re “located in” or “are from” a number of big cities where the doucherity flows like wine and the Bleeths flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

Am I missing something?

Do dbags have out of body experiences resulting in their presence in multiple places at one moment in time?

Keep fighting the good fight,
— Saving Private Guido

—-

What you are referring to, SPG, is the Cosmopolitan scrote, aka “The Cosmobag.” Cosmobags attempt a perpetually distracted and constant Blackberry checking ‘tude that suggests a perpetual “high roller” travel schedule. This implies untold wealth in other cities (not the one they’re in). Multiple homes where they “Run with the Goose” in various sundry party scenarios. That exist only in their imagination.

It is another oblique strategy that marks true douche, and you are correct to highlight its strategic use in the act of nightlife presentation.

# posted by douchebag1
7:19 pm November, 17 Douche shower and shave said...

Doesnt matter where they are from….
The still suck.

7:19 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

How on earth did the bouncers let that slut in with a thumb splint?!

7:21 pm November, 17 Crucial Head said...

The pious comments threads of this holiest of internet sites are too pure for the vile and lustful words I would use to describe my thoughts towards that wonderful woman with the librarian glasses.

Oh ye of DB1's devout flock, consider yourselves spared.

7:25 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

Yeah, all what DB1 said…and boobies.

7:37 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

Don't EVEN get me started!

No, seriously, don't.

7:38 pm November, 17 Douchesquire said...

Oh Crucial, you are too kind to the masses. I, on the other hand, am gutter trash and will not quiet my desire to launch a batch from a firmly entrenched position between those magnificent chesticles, and coat the aforementioned glasses with genetic material.

7:42 pm November, 17 Archidoucheis said...

Yeah yeah yeah, Cosmo is that girl's magazine, great, whatever.
I'm too busy looking at the boobies on that librarian glasses wearing hott.

7:45 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

That right there is a great late entry for "Best Golden Globes." Those two flesh puppets could fuel my furious masterbation for the next week and half…

And then every third Tuesday of every month.

And it looks like blonde hott sprained her thumb while dislodging the Star Scream action figure that was firmly inserted into dribble chin's anus.

7:45 pm November, 17 Robin Choad said...

BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!

7:58 pm November, 17 Vin Douchal said...

Blondie popped off that thumbnail rigging up Librarian Hott to the Sybian.

True story

7:59 pm November, 17 Boobie McGee said...

Hot DAMN, DB1!!!

Lil' Miss Perfect Chest Librarian Hott has it goin' on!

Now I have to deal with an IOB. Well worth it, though.

Thank you.

And Sparky thanks you.

8:00 pm November, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

Librarian Hott, thank you DB1. She makes up for a deficit of Ass Pear.

Oh, and magnifique boobies.

8:09 pm November, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

His little ol' mark of the douche is hidden under his little dangly bangs.

Her little cleavite triangle echoes the triangle of douchery in this photo.

Yea, and how subtle are the clues of douchery if the forest first smacks the eyes before they have time to recover from the fright of seeing douchetrees, er, douche-teries.

8:11 pm November, 17 MG said...

wait, I'm not actually a rockstar because/even though my belt-buckle says it?

wtf, I've been robbed.

iterested how the Cosmo-douche's cities are those high in entertainment industry/party-lifestyle…i suppose there's a correlation between both and douchal virus.

Army of Douche-ness.

p.s. holy hell those breasts

8:11 pm November, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

There is something about this douche which reminds me of Lord XENU. A mild version, but him nevertheless.

8:13 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

It looks like scrote has the double mark of the bag, both on the forehead and on the glasses.

Beware my brethren, this is one mighty douche, perhaps a disciple of E-Blo.

Oh, and BOOBS!

8:17 pm November, 17 Reader Mike said...

boobs. boobs. boobs. boobs. boobs. boobs. boobs. boobs. boobs…

8:20 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

Looks like a "Joey-Fatone 'Bag" to me. That's where you lived in New York briefly and now base your whole persona off of that short experience.

8:22 pm November, 17 Reader Mike said...

She's rekindled my love affair with the Dewey Decimal System.

8:24 pm November, 17 Reader Mike said...

She just made my microfiche become a MACROfiche.

8:26 pm November, 17 Clifton Sanders, CPA said...

I want to motorboat those boobies all night long. And then I want to jack off all over her face before I leave to go to work the next morning.

Oh yea!!

-Clifton Sanders, CPA
Chase Manhattan
Rancho Cucamonga Branch
Cubicle D-4

8:29 pm November, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Oh, oh, oh, ooh-AAAAAH! I'm planning my next trip to NY/Miami/Vegas/LA so I can find this turd pile, hot glue those greasy bangs to his ass hair and then kick him down the street.

Then I shall graciously bow to librarian hott, drop to one knee, recite Lord Byron and profess my deepest love for her. Then I would stand, gently take her hands in mine, and plunge my face betwixt those mastoidal fun bags. I would motor boat those bone inducing flesh sacks until my lips wore off. Egads!

This is top notch spank bank material, I must say. Her visage is going straight into my long term CD (Certificate of Donking), so I can take advantage of the higher comPOUNDING interest.

Nom nom nom.

8:30 pm November, 17 Southern Scrotic said...

My gosh, That's a rack of BOOBIES!

8:31 pm November, 17 Earth Girls Are Bleethy said...

I could achieve a higher spiritual consciousness by merely vigorously motorboating the Librarian Hott. Enlightenment thusly attained, I could die happy.

Well, after Librarian Hott and I tried out the many tantric positions found in the October, 1983 issue of Swank, but I'd die happy after that.

8:34 pm November, 17 Beethoven said...

I wrote An Ode to Jugs when I first laid mine eyes uponst this woman.

8:34 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and BOOBIES…

8:34 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

I would love her as much as any man can superficially love a woman.

I would marry you tomorrow Bertrice and we would spend the next three and a half months in semi-bliss. After which you would tire of my constant fondling of your breasts and demand a divorce. You of course can have half of my belongings, but only as long as I can have one of your titts.

Which I would wrap in swaddling clothes and sing to it every sunrise.

Then spunk on it.

Then sing again.

8:37 pm November, 17 Reader Mike said...

Those boobs have made the "circulation" in my dong increase, which has left me "hardbound" and feeling long "overdue" for donking session.

8:37 pm November, 17 Crucial Head said...

Again, in times like these, I must defer to someone who was far more eloquent than I. The profound ode that was penned so many moons ago:

Is it worth the waiting for?
If we live 'til eighty four
All we ever get is bo—red!
Ev'ry day we say our prayer —
Will they change the bill of fare?
Still we don't get any who—res!
There are no harlots, not a whore can we find,
Can we wait, can we enhance the cage,
But there's nothing to stop us from getting a thrill
When we all close our eyes and imag…ine

Boobs, glorious boobs!
Great big, fat white titties!
While we're in the mood —
Look! Oh, they're so pretty!
Noonies, yabbos and doughboys!
What next is the question?
All gentlemen like 'em, boys —
Lets ingest 'em!

Boobs, glorious boobs!
We're anxious to feel 'em.
Three fondles a day —
Our favourite diet!

Just picture a great big bust —
Tahs, hooters and boobs.
Oh, boobs,
Feed bags and boobs,
Marvelous boobs,
Glorious boobs!

Boobs, glorious boobs!
What is there more handsome?
Hills, hefties and hoots —
Still worth a kin's ransom.
What is it we dream about?
What brings on a sigh?
Piled knockers and jugs, about
Six feet high!

Boobs, glorious boobs!
Eat right through the menu.
Just loosen your belt
Remove it and then you
Work up your big appetite.
In this interlude —
The boobs,
Once again, boobs
Yomammas, boobs,
Glorious boobs.

Boobs, glorious boobs!
Don't care what they sound like —
Stuff!
Gazonkers!
Lous!
And what are they round like?
Just thinking of feeling fat —
Our senses go reeling
One moment of knowing that
Felt-up feeling!

Boobs, glorious boobs!
What wouldn't we give for
That extra bit more —
That's all that we live for
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but brood
On boobs,
Magical boobs,
Wonderful boobs,
Marvelous boobs,
Fabulous boobs,
Beautiful boobs,

Glorious boobs!

Sigh.

**wipes tears from eyes**

8:38 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

@ Jacques

I say we form a task force to hunt down this turd and rescue his maiden.

We of course would split the booty, or booby if you will, and I think you do. I'll take the left titt, you can have the right.

Because I'm a team player like that.

8:39 pm November, 17 Reader Mike said...

…er, that's "a" donking session.

8:39 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

If the radiance of a thousand Boobies were to burst at once into the sky, that would be like the splendor of the mighty one." and "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

8:40 pm November, 17 Ed Douchey said...

Librarian Hott knows EXACTLY what she's doing. And by doing, I mean BOOBIES

8:40 pm November, 17 Reader Mike said...

@ Sargeant SS

I'd join that task force.

8:41 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Crucial, prose of the highest order.

And by order, I mean boobies.

8:42 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

@ Reader Mike

You shall be warmly welcomed into the Titty Task Force, there's PLENTY of boob to go around.

8:44 pm November, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

That was beautiful, Crucial. But I think Shakespeare may have said it best.

Shall I compare them to two melons ripe?
Thou art well-stacked, like a wall of brick
Rough hands on my pants do wipe
And my crotch is getting mighty thick.

Sometimes too hotly my eyes burn
On your round fruit so sweet and perky
And in your cleavage cleft I yearn
To fill the space with my thick jerky

But thy eternal lust shall not be quenched
Nor lose the fire in your snoopy
Until my linen shirt be drenched
With sweat, and my briefs become quite droopy

So long as you are willing
And I am able
So long we'll screw
Under every dining table

8:47 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

^ Is there any form of art that has not been inspired by awesome boobage?

I say nay.

8:48 pm November, 17 Reader Mike said...

Why did she even put eye make-up on???

8:49 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

A white Xenu. I guess the look does work.

8:52 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

Reader Mike:

I'm sorry but do those boobs come with a head?

8:53 pm November, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

"In 2009 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a groping they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the LA/NY/Miami/Vegas underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fleshy fortune. If you have big titties, if no one else can motorboat them, and if you can expose them, maybe you can hire…
The DD-Team."

Gentlemen, I love it when a plan comes together.

8:54 pm November, 17 ehcuodouche said...

We have a nominee for Librarian MILF-y hott of 2009. Now I'm going to change my underwear.

8:56 pm November, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

But I ain't gettin' on no plane!

8:56 pm November, 17 Walrus Whisker said...

Breaking News!!!

More than 14700 Americans disclosed secret offshore bank accounts to the Internal Revenue Service, ensuring billions of dollars in new tax collections and data for a crackdown on…

Sweet lord in heaven and all his blessed angels, would you LOOK AT THOSE BOOOOOOBAAAAYS!!!!!!

8:59 pm November, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Blonde hott gently strokes Librarian Hott's silken mane while I furiously stroke my swollen vein.

Sigh.

I imagine she broke her thumb as it was crushed between those two monumental and unparalled orbs. Yet undeterred, she ignores the cab driver who refuses to leave without his tip, and instead leans forward to lovingly dab away with her gentle, probing tongue the tiny droplets of precious, life giving sweat that have blossomed like dew upon the petals of bursting rosebuds, within the great, jasmine scented chasm of cleavite wherein my semen-drained husk be someday be secreted away and, not unlike Indiana Jones' father upon being washed by the elixur of the Holy Grail, be reborn.

For that is how much I love her.

And her boobs.

Whatever her name is.

8:59 pm November, 17 Archidoucheis said...

You guys all have good points, but can we get to what really matters here?

Look at those friggin' boobs on that Libraian Hott!

9:03 pm November, 17 E-blos last thought said...

Teal's boobs keep bringing me back here.

I can't help myself.

They're just so wonderful.

*quiet weeping*

Thank you God.

Thank you.

9:05 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

I keep trying to look away and get some work done, but the gravitational pull of those twin Jupiters is too much.

9:07 pm November, 17 Miss Anonymous said...

Is anyone in here still talking about the Librarian's bewbs?

9:08 pm November, 17 Comment deleted said...

This post has been removed by BOOBS!!!

9:09 pm November, 17 creature said...

so is this why I fail when I tell potential Createttes that I'm from Yuma?

9:10 pm November, 17 E-blos last thought said...

I'm back.

Looking at boobs.

Big, beautiful, squeezable boobs.

9:14 pm November, 17 End the Haberdouchery said...

He is amazingly dirty looking. He looks like something Xenu leaves in the bowl after his morning growler.

9:14 pm November, 17 End the Haberdouchery said...

He is amazingly dirty looking. He looks like something Xenu leaves in the bowl after his morning growler.

9:15 pm November, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Little Debbie Foods has offered Librarian Hott ten million dollars for the exclusive right to use her boobs to grind the flour that goes into their delicious snack cakes.

It is my girl-on-girl fantasy come true.

9:22 pm November, 17 Comment Defeated said...

Like I've got any shot at those boobs.

9:25 pm November, 17 Cervix Dilated said...

She can slide those boobs in and out of my uterus any damn day she wants.

9:25 pm November, 17 Wedgie said...

I am so clueless. All these years living in California, and I missed the salmon returning to San Juan Capistrano. I was distracted by those fuccen swallows.

Speaking of swallows, tasty librarian hottie.

9:32 pm November, 17 Wheezer said...

I wonder if Teresa Tetons would allow me to refill her stack(s)? I have many, many volumes I'd like to put there.

9:43 pm November, 17 Wheezer said...

Is that "Xenuling" in the middle? Does he have to wait to have random bad tatts until he performs Herculean labors of douchebaggery?

I'd say he has a couple in the book, and I'm not talking about THOSE HUMONGOUS HOOTERS.

I think blondie broke her left thumb trying to get her face between them for some motorboating. See how she gently fondles her BFF's hair…..it's love, and "Xenubie" is just in the way.

9:58 pm November, 17 Horace Dangleballs said...

Who spanked the weasel more?

The greasy little turd in this photo, left weeping and alone when the two lovelies went home with each other… or the readership (myself included) in utter awe of the mammary perfection we have witnessed this day?

Or would that be "udder" awe?

10:03 pm November, 17 Scooby Douche said...

First of all, I just got here, because I had real work to do. And I'm dammned pissed off that Drudge didn't post a "Breaking News" alert about those tits! I'd have been here a lot sooner.

Next, who are the other people you keep talking about? I only see the Grand Canyon of Cleavage. I can't move my eyes. Fortunately I learned touch typing in high school, so I don't even have to look away to type this.

I also earned another quality skill in high school I can practice with my hand while keeping my eyes glued to boobs!

10:23 pm November, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

From the Library of Congress

The Buttles anthology

LC Control No.: 96753178
Type of Material: Music Sound Recording, lyrics
Main Title: The Buttles anthology [sound recording]

Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your cans
I wanna hold your cans
I wanna hold your cans

Oh, please, say to me
You'll let me squeeze your boobs
and I’ll, say to you

I’ll let you lick my tube
Now let me squeeze your boobs
And I’ll let you lick my tube

And when I 'boat them I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my splooge
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something
That sends me into fits
When I say that something
I wanna hold your tits
I wanna hold your tits
I wanna hold your tits

And when I grab them and spread your, cleavite wide
It's such a feeling
When my tongue
Darts inside
Darts inside
Darts inside

Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I beg that something
I wanna hold your mams
I wanna hold your mams
I wanna hold your mams
I wanna hold your ma-a-a-a-a-a-ams

10:25 pm November, 17 DarkSock said...

That reminds me, I need to return my copy of "Titty Titty Gang Bang"…

10:32 pm November, 17 Steve L. said...

if this is the Cosmobag. that right there must be Cosmoboobies.

and unlike the Cosmobag, Cosmoboobies is cosmic joy and delight.

10:53 pm November, 17 DarkSock said...

I guess I should also return Mr. White's copy of the pee movies "On Golden Blonde", and "Ol' Yeller (sample)".

And the Alfred Pisscock classic "Dial P for PeePee".

And Pee-Oh Tolstoy's novel "Whore and Piss".

And the heart-touching novel by "Wet" Willie Morris, "My Dog Piss".

10:59 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

68th!!

All I see is an average girl with Librarian glasses.

What?

11:00 pm November, 17 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

Damn, that's some Cobalt Blue eye shadow on librarian hott.

I think the radiation from that eye shadow is getting to Cosmobag David (never "Dave"). He looks like he's suffering from the first stage of radiation sickness, Severe Body Fluid Loss.

Oh, and BOOBIES!

11:12 pm November, 17 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Is Blondie felching Ms. Librarian Hott's pheromones? Maybe that explains the thumb cast.

11:13 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

Is Librarian Hott actually Carmella Bing?

11:23 pm November, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

Amen, Wedgie. I also thought it was the Swallows that returned to San Capistrano. Speaking of swallows, I want my head to be swallowed up by her cleavage.

That being said, in response to the reader mail, yes. This is why Donkey Douche keeps insisting he's from Chicago.

11:29 pm November, 17 Mr. White said...

@darksock

I want my damn copy of "There's Something About Urinary" back, too.

11:47 pm November, 17 Librarian Hottie in This Picture said...

My friend can't hold my sack.

12:35 am November, 18 Anonymous said...

Though I do LOVE the mammy-tammy's in this pic (shit have already spilled my seed 4 times) I still Think that Four Points is the mark that needs to be met for boobs here.
Many here discount them. That is cool, only means that they are cheaper for me, keep that gun going.

12:36 am November, 18 bigphatnotadouche said...

Librarian Hott will keep me happy tonight.
Thanks DB1

PS. I didn't see anyone else in the picture? I am I missing something?

1:21 am November, 18 notadouche said...

dear lord, nominate hottie on the left for librarian hotte of the year. fuck me silly she's fantastic. too bad she has a poop fetish and loves to snuggle up against poop. i'd still do her.

2:47 am November, 18 pv1 said...

What are you guys talking about? I don't see any boobs. All I see is a douche, a blonde with a broken finger, and a chick with a pair of buttcheeks on her chest…

2:48 am November, 18 pv1 said...

Notice how the Cosmobag is trying to cop a feel. Nice try, asshole…

2:49 am November, 18 pv1 said...

Holy Meat puppets, Batman!

2:50 am November, 18 pv1 said...

She could feed five African nations (including the Zulu Nation) with those funbags…

5:41 pm November, 18 Some muthafuckah said...

83rd, bitches!

6:44 pm November, 18 Doo Schnozzle said...

Wow. Hott on the left. Wow.

Stealing one from DB1:

"The future ex-Mrs. Schnozzle". Or, is it "Ex-future…"?

PS – I'd like to nominate her for "Most Expensive First Date" for which I'd gladly max out a few of my credit cards for.

Did I say "Wow"?

Wow.

6:46 pm November, 18 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

I may be eating an apple right now, but I suddenly have a craving for canteloupe.

6:48 pm November, 18 Doo Schnozzle said...

Wow.

Can I have some more please?

I may have to either photoshop her out of that pic and save, or 'shop myself in.

Wow.

4:43 am November, 20 Douchius Caesar said...

oh god boobies

7:53 pm November, 22 Doo Schnozzle said...

I came back just to say "wow".

11/22

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