Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Crotchet and Stubbs


Crotchett and Stubbs have one thing to say to you from the bowels of Miami.

It is a request for you to perform sexual congress upon yourself.

Shakira Hott refutes their aggression by calling for sideways peace.

For she is like Gandhi and Mandela. Only sideways.

# posted by douchebag1
1:56 am November, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

A shame the Weekly cannot except 'Bag duos…these two would be in for sure. What chumps! And no one is talking her home to meet Mom any time soon, one could bet.

1:56 am November, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

*Also a shame it cannot ACCEPT them…damn those beers.

2:09 am November, 25 Troy Tempest said...

Shakira Hott? More like Skankira Bleeth. That is one scary lookin bint.

2:13 am November, 25 pv1 said...

She's nasty…

2:28 am November, 25 Vinny Scumbaglia said...

There is something to be said that includes the phrase "Gandhi her Mandelas" but Stubbs lethal beetebrowed glare has forced it into hiding.

–VS

2:30 am November, 25 Genital Electric said...

Oh gawd, his hand's as big as her torso!
She'd maim you with a broken beer bottle just for looking at her.

2:40 am November, 25 Mr. White said...

An opinion question for all: Super-short-shorts cut so short that you can see the bottom of the pockets sticking out should, in theory, be hot, but generally I find it to strongly suggest gutter-skankitude.

Discuss.

2:50 am November, 25 Anonymous said...

Paint him green and call him FrankenDouche. His friend needs a hump and the name, EegScrote.

2:55 am November, 25 The Desert Douchehunter said...

The Crotchet part I'm with, but Tubbs could actually dress. This looks more like Crotchet and that douchebag that Phil Collins played on the show back in the day. Fat, arrogant and stupid. Yep, that's him!

Damn, I just dated myself as old with that reference, didn't I? I'm going to go drink now…

2:56 am November, 25 Anonymous said...

Tara Reid, how low have you sunk?
Boning Armenian terrorists for coke?

While you're pregnant?

Sheesh! Whatever would Jason Biggs say?

2:56 am November, 25 Genital Electric said...

@ Mr. White

I made a pair of shorts like that once, but I tend to carry a lot of things in my pockets (quarters, lip gloss, condom wrappers, ticket stubs, Swiss army knife, keychain with dangling Hello Kitty charms, breathmints, flask, razor, scalpel, mirror, hair goo, tissues, handkerchief, and q-tips) so it only looked like I forgot to change my diapers.

2:57 am November, 25 The Desert Douchehunter said...

@ Mr. White

Agreed. I wouldn't fuck her with The Schmock's balloon animal.

2:57 am November, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Mr. White:

Though your observation is probably empirically correct in the general sense, true skankitude is likely more in the vein of what one wit (a S.C. Justice?) once said about pornography: "I know it when I see it."

In the case of Troy's Skankira Bleeth, I believe the latter applies; much more than pockets alone a gutter-skank make. My humble opinion…

2:59 am November, 25 Anonymous said...

Anon @ 6:50

Too funny.

"Fire BAAAAD"

3:00 am November, 25 The Desert Douchehunter said...

I'm not even sure Stubbs qualifies as a douche. He just looks like a fat asshole in this pic.

3:04 am November, 25 Jessica said...

Um, so are you guys super into girls like this? Bleached bitch hair… denim belt masquerading as a skirt… acrylic tips (the maintenance of which your ass better be paying for, along with the hair, brazilians, mystic tan and anal bleaching)… hands that are able to form the scissor sign, but unable to open a beer can or hang a picture?

Do you want to hear this bitch tapping all around your house, fingernails tapping, stiletto heels tapping… tap, tap, tap, I'm bored, can't we go out somewhere, no you can't fuck me right now, let me borrow your credit card. I need this top from Bebe and a Coach wallet.

Sideways peace = I'm cutting you out of my life forever. Above all she looks mean, mean-spirited. Why do men like bitches?

3:09 am November, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

@ Jessica:

I think the clear answer so far in the thread is a resounding NO! Guys (here) are as repelled by her as you are.

3:17 am November, 25 The Desert Douchehunter said...

@ Jessica:

I figured my comment about what I wouldn't fuck her with above made it pretty clear what I think of her disease-carrying capacity.

3:24 am November, 25 Genital Electric said...

@ Jessica
Yeah, I wonder about that too. In my neighborhood there are many douchebag(uette) couples and all I can think of is how complicated and awkward it must be for them to undress before sex. And then there's all the hair product, cologne, deoderant spray, etc. At least all the pthalates in these products are slowly rendering all the dbags infertile and/or hermaphroditic. I take solace in that.

ps- Skankira opens beer cans with her vag and hangs pictures with her Lee Press-On Nipples!

4:12 am November, 25 SpineChowder said...

Mr. White:

Not to derail your hypotenoose, but them thangs you usually see hanging outa them Daisy (David) Dukes are slobberin' trailer clams, not denim pockets. You can usually tell them apart by lint blobs versus fetus chains glistening with Astro-Glide.

What?

4:17 am November, 25 DarkSock said...

Much to the chagrin of Team Implant, Tina wins yet another boozy round of "Paper Cockk Scissors".

4:37 am November, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

Farmer's market displays for fingerling potatoes are becoming extremely competitive of late.

5:10 am November, 25 Captain Bringdown said...

Alright already! Both carpets and the end table for $450. I thought you fuckers liked haggling.

5:13 am November, 25 Captain Bringdown said...

Depreciation on western blonds is pretty high once they're on their third Arab.

5:27 am November, 25 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Shakira has hooker written all over her, and you know what? I'm okay with that.

Because the only person that's going to fuck that piece of walking VD is a douchebag. And more douchebags with AIDs means less douchebags walking around on the face of the earth.

Thank you raging skank whore for doing our dirty work, you're a true soldier. And by soldier, I mean daddy did not hug you enough.

5:29 am November, 25 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Ps. I'd probably do her after a fifth of Black Label.

Don't judge me.

5:33 am November, 25 pv1 said...

I'd do her after a fif' of Goose.

Judge me.

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6:01 am November, 25 Captain Bringdown said...

Who am I kidding. I'd do her after half a miller light. And hate myself the whole time I'm debriding my junk.

6:04 am November, 25 Captain Bringdown said...

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6:21 am November, 25 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

@ Captain

And there lies the difference between douchebag and douchebaguette. You hate them both, but you'd still fuck the douchebaguette.

A whole lot of self loathing may be involved afterward, but the process would be enjoyable.

7:31 am November, 25 Anonymous said...

@Jessica,

I think what you'll find here, in case you missed the obvious, is that those who comment here regularly are a bunch of men that are old enough to be a grandfather to your father, have several snotty nosed kids barking in their ears every minute after they get home from a shitty day at the 40K per year job, and love to rip on younger, better looking men who actually date the women their fat pathetic wives once were.

Queue all the comments by the 80 year old regs that endlessly comment on this site: "hell no man, my 50 year old wife is hot as hell, even after her vagina bore forth a quiver-load of ankle biters. Her cellulite is hot as hell and she's smart as a cucumber incubating in an unplugged MIT refrigerator"

The bottom line is this, Jennifer, men will bang anything that walks, talks and has a vagina if their bitchy wife or girlfriend won't find out. They'll tell you differently here in an online forum to make you feel better, but the moment they realize you are really 245 pounds with A cups and ropes of hair dangling from the warts above your lip, they'll ditch you because that's what they roll over to every morning.

Belive me, I know. And so does Phah and that loose lipped canker sore Crucial Head.

8:03 am November, 25 Meatman1 said...

God god!!! The guy on the right is a total meat head.

A rare and beautiful find.

8:58 am November, 25 Steve L. said...

Ghandi must be rolling in his grave (and Mandela must be rolling in his… seat or something, since he's still alive). therefore i propose that, instead, we honor Shakira hott's sideway peace with a comparison to… David Duke.

… that kinda made sense right? she has all the trappings of a white trash kinda bleeth.

9:09 am November, 25 Steve L. said...

@ Troy's stalker 11:31 PM,

thanks for telling us that you're 80 years old and have a fat wife. now we know you're completely harmless.

12:55 pm November, 25 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

Now THIS is classy!

12:57 pm November, 25 Troy Tempest said...

On other news: The "normal" people of New Jersey are as irritated by the guido invasion as we are, and are NOT amused by the development of a guido TV show.

Article here.

And to the cynical fuckstain anon @11.31 –

I am not one of which you speak. I am not even 2/3 the age you describe, my wife is trim (167cm, 55kg) and lovely (red hair, angles, think similar to Beth Gibbons from Portishead) and have spent the past 15 years in marital bliss.

I detest the people depicted here for the same reason I find people like you to be worthless hulks of protoplasm – your arrogant cluelessness and presumptive stupidity and sense of entitlement compounded by your ignorance and cynicism. Yuck.

People like you have a name on slashdot: Anonymous Coward. Which is why I rarely respond to anons, and I am of the opinion that anonymous posting should be banned. It's not hard to make up a name, you gutless puddle of vomit.

Now fuck off – I have a busy day today.

1:03 pm November, 25 DarkSock said...

Hi Doc.

I belive you.

1:05 pm November, 25 DarkSock said...

Jessica, less than 50% of what Doc said is true.

1:18 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Don't you mean Crotchitch & Stubb

1:18 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Don't you mean Crotchitch & Stubb

1:32 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Shakira "Hott" is so bleethed out she's blending prefectly with these scrotes. After this picture was taken, she blew every guy in the room.

1:45 pm November, 25 pv1 said...

The only reason why I hate douchebags is because they get to bang STD infested skanks and I don't.

1:51 pm November, 25 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

"Mongo like candy"

2:42 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Two 'shmobags', with a combined IQ of room temperature do their best to count past one..but fail. The blonde skankbag, fresh off the set of her latest 'movie'..'Blowin Douche' shows these two toss pots the error of their ways…and by error I mean the preferred position of her legs.

Regards,
Douche Pitt

2:50 pm November, 25 DarkSock said...

$50 bucks says Bulk McSpadeFace got to pommel Cindy StubbleCrotch's Porch Beef Piñata (PBP) shortly after they ditched Willy D. Wingman, who they abandoned in an unconscious pool of his own piddle in the corner of Rick's Pool Hall.

2:51 pm November, 25 Captain Obvious said...

That woman does not have deep pockets on her garments.

2:52 pm November, 25 Captain Obvious said...

That woman has one deep pocket.

Okay, two.

Ummm, three. Yes. Three.

2:58 pm November, 25 The Desert Douchehunter said...

@ Troy Tempest

Well said, sir. I tip a frosty adult beverage to you.

3:03 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

The question posed to these three was "How many dicks will you be sucking tonight?" Must've been a fun night for them. And by fun I mean disease infested riot.

-noobbag

3:26 pm November, 25 Bagnonymous said...

The lady says, "Two at a time please."

3:29 pm November, 25 Bob said...

It takes a special kind of scrote to out-douche Don Johnson's character from Miami Vice AS that character, but these d'bags are clearly more than up for the challenge.

And that Bleeth? Still has enough numminess to not be completely disgusting.

3:56 pm November, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

After a long night of coke and cock, Shakira heads home in style to the trailer park where she will throw an empty Jack Daniels bottle at Anon 11:31 to wake him up, then spend the rest of the morning bitching about how he doesn't know how to make her happy and if he would only get a f*cking job she could go back to screwing other guys for pleasure instead of for rent and groceries.

After an hour or so of arguing she'll refuse him any make-up sex, again, then humiliate him by masturbating loudly in the bathroom with the window open shouting "I'm using my f*cking fingers! God, your dick is worthless, f*cking worthless!".

My thanks to Mrs. Scrotato Head for the above imagery. She's thinks Anon 11:31 is funny.

I don't.

4:01 pm November, 25 The Dude said...

I gotta peace for Shakira.

4:05 pm November, 25 ImageWrangler said...

1 + 1 = Poo.

4:08 pm November, 25 ImageWrangler said...

I really… REALLY… do NOT think Europehandbag.com is quite getting the gist of this site.

4:39 pm November, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

In a poll conducted that night at the club these three were asked the following question: What is your favorite bodily function you like to have your lover put on you during sex? It appears that our male subjects are charter members of the Warm Lemonade Enema club while Skankira loves anything with the words "dirty" or "rusty".

4:41 pm November, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey, I'm just flattered that they think I'm #1. As for Skankira, well, Mr. Scrotato Head knows what her and anon 11:31 will be doing for the next month or so.

4:42 pm November, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

OK, last one. Is this the first time that some douches actually got the math right?

4:57 pm November, 25 bourbon bill said...

I like the skank. Just need some disinfectant for my porch beef and I would be ready to enjoy a romp in the alley behing the bar or what I call a perfect Tuesday night.

5:00 pm November, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche 8:42

Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Wiping tears from my eyes.

5:35 pm November, 25 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

@ Anon at 11:31PM.

80? I won't even turn 50 until next year. Your comments reek of insecurity and anger. My wife is 2/3 my age, by the way.

Like to rip on younger, better looking men? Son, none of these douchebags would make me feel the least bit worried. Why should posers concern me? My wife isn't shallow, and yes she is quite attractive.

Don't blame us for your failures, son. Just butch up and move on. Sounds like some of the regulars hit too close to home, and far too regularly it seems. Don't blame us because you dress up like circus clowns and feel the need to continually preen to score with some stripper on her night off.

Side comment to Troy… redheads are the best, aren't they?

5:57 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Wow. The douche on the left looks a lot like my younger brother. Except my brother has never been to Miami, doesn't own a suit coat or sports jacket and would never drink anything other than beer or wear shitty-looking, white-rimmed sunglasses. At night. Next to a neaderthal and a skeazy bar hag.

6:05 pm November, 25 Troy Tempest said...

@Billdouchiest:

Yes. Redheads rock.

6:06 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Very good – one plus one equals two douchebags

6:35 pm November, 25 Brian said...

E.T. is on the phone for Shakira (Nott)Hott. He wants his freakishly long, boney, alien fingers back…and he says that your dad really did love you, so you can stop hanging on old fat guys for attention.

7:05 pm November, 25 Jessica said...

@ Anon at 11:31PM

I asked, why do men like bitches, not why does this blog suck (to you). And I don't like how you thoughtlessly called me Jennifer in the middle of your screed.

So thanks for nothing, asshole!

7:22 pm November, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Jeanine ^11:05

You tell him, Jezelle!

7:35 pm November, 25 Jessica said...

Hahahahahahaha

10:49 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Translating douche sign language —

DB #1 — I'm getting boned up one orifice.

DB #2 — I'm getting pronged up one orifice.

HC — see above, but.. two.

1:57 am November, 26 Choad Osostinco said...

Miami Lice

5:46 am November, 26 Anonne Huntress said...

Hey, is Crotchet really Alex Mijares, aka Bagpoleon? Miami, stupid glasses, and uberdouche moves… could be him, next to angry asshole guido and Shakira Skank.

4:44 pm November, 26 Karl Hungus said...

I guess she's into malaka's Dino

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