Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday Thoughts and Links


I ponder the human form on this breezy Los Angeles Friday. The Ed Hardy-ization of the self.

Yet even as I weep for the present Hardpocalypse, I toast the future.

For we will move through the spectacles and find the truth, even as our brains become ever more cluttered by the shouting heads on TV, the noises on our phones, the blinking lights on our streets and the greased up moobs in our clubs.

I’m feelin’ optimistic on this Friday. But it could be the plate of wheat germ and mashed yeast I just enjoyed.

Here’s your links:

It’s always worthwhile to remember and honor the greatest seven minutes in cinema history. Put that coffee down.

In case you were wondering when the HC is the DB, I give you: Douchebaguettes.

How to battle the Ed Hardy plague? Australia fights back. “No dressing up like David Beckham” for the win.

Next thing you’ll tell me, babies are douching it up in the womb. At least I think that’s a baby. It could be Quatto from Total Recall.

The usually pretentious and cloying McSweeney’s does a nice job targeting the The Weightliftscreamerbag.

What to do with the detritus of ‘bag culture? Recycle.

Last week’s Shake Weight infomercial has a pretty funny YouTube parody.

John Gosselin tries to de-douchify through ironic comedy and ditching the Ed Hardy. Is still a douchebag.

Okay. You’ve been good. For watching John Gosselin attempt comedy, you’ve earned it:

Tropical Ass Pear.

Enjoy it with an after dinner mint.

# posted by douchebag1
9:03 pm November, 13 Wheezer said...

Wow, that ass pear has some terrific TONE.

And now I have a stiff BONE.

9:06 pm November, 13 Ass Pear said...

**clenches buttocks**

I love Lamp.

**unclenches buttocks**

9:06 pm November, 13 Wheezer said...

OK, which one of you posted on that Aussie page?

[jamdatmofo says…
on November 12th, 2009
If anyone is wondering "I wonder if I'll get in wearing this?" Please refer to this link as an extra reference point. http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/%5D

9:08 pm November, 13 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

That is some fine ass pear. I get the feeling that she could murder me by crushing my larynx with her freakishly strong vagina muscles.

I would wimper happily into death.

9:15 pm November, 13 Anonymous said...

The camera over-exposure almost obscures the cleavage …. *almost*
Wow.

9:22 pm November, 13 El Caganer said...

I love the tropical asspear

9:23 pm November, 13 El Caganer said...

I miss my Friday lamp.

9:24 pm November, 13 Wedgie said...

I bet the all have the matching floormats. Douche-bags, top to bottom.

Speaking of bottoms, J-Bone's sister looks pretty good in that ass-pear shot.

9:25 pm November, 13 cynic16 said...

In case you're looking for more (and there's plenty of pics out there), that luscious ass pear's name is Jamie Eason.

9:27 pm November, 13 El Caganer said...

The douchebagettes are freaken hott.

9:28 pm November, 13 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

I Love Ass Pear – and ImageWrangler is a bitter, bitter person

**clicks off**

9:29 pm November, 13 Walrus Whisker said...

The Weightlifter bit had be doing a few LULZ.

9:30 pm November, 13 G. Gorgeous Clitty said...

Unfortunately, the Australian club owner is now going to have a club that's populated by tumbleweeds.

9:31 pm November, 13 Image Wrangler's Bookie said...

Lamp:

You'd be bitter too if you owed Nicky the Fish $10 grand because of Poopaloompa's win last month.

9:32 pm November, 13 Pömmelhorse Pümmelfister said...

The brunette douchebaguette looks like she shaved her armpit with bleach.

9:34 pm November, 13 Teddy Tendergass said...

I am currently enjoying the cleavite being flashed by the brunette in the current pic for this post.

And by "enjoying," I mean IOB.

9:35 pm November, 13 Scrötinger’s Cat said...

All babies look like douchebag’s when they’re born. It’s called Original Scrote.

9:37 pm November, 13 Ümläüt Smäck Döwn said...

Whërë’s my frïënd LLÄMMMËËRÏÄ??

9:39 pm November, 13 Croosh, Rage, White, Saul, Poop, L.L.C. said...

We will be defending the Australian club owner from the inevitable discrimination lawsuit.

9:39 pm November, 13 Anonymous said...

Look at the retard on the left. He can't even formulate an acceptable douche gesture. Fucking douche.

9:42 pm November, 13 Captain Bringdown said...

These guys have the intellectual curiosity and capacity for introspection of a row of Jack-o-Lanterns.

9:47 pm November, 13 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

Ed Hardy ban or not, I don't think I would ever be caught dead in the Ding Dong Lounge. Not that there's anything wrong with that…

9:52 pm November, 13 pass-tha-douchie-pon-de-lef-han-side said...

ooh, that asspear is the slutiest looking slut i've seen this side of the slut river in slutington (west slutford).

she even makes the trees look slutty.

i have a bonk-on.

9:53 pm November, 13 The Observation Specialist said...

That Ass Pear's name is Jamie Eason.

Enjoy.

9:59 pm November, 13 The Diddler said...

Ah Jamie Eason, those fine holiday hams only get me more excited for Thanksgiving. Normally I would comment on how I would like to baste that delicious looking back meat of hers, but must refrain from doing so this time as I would fear that she would snap my member like a slim jim with her powerful vag-tastic.

10:01 pm November, 13 MG said...

I'm gonna go ahead and say that from what I've seen of actor Michael Cera, Jon Gosselin is actually just about as talented/responds to stimuli from the same "place" it seems.

The difference being, we now contextually think of Gosselin as an idiot douchebag and Cera as a young, cutesy funny actor/ there is something the collective "we" likes about Cera possibly due to age, the way he looks while delivering, etc.

most of our decisions as to the actors we like/dont like and why really boils down to relatability/enviability and not their actual raw talent. Philip Seymour Hoffman being a classic example of the antithesis of that.

I'm not sure if i'm dissing Cera or actually sorta defending Gosselin but as a novice but decent actor myself who had studied many other actors, i can say that they're about the same and the nuances that make "us" luck Cera are less talent and more his luck-of-the-draw genetically.

I dont know why i felt the need to say this at all…that ass pear's got my mind all wacked out.

have a great wekend y'all!

Army of DOuche-ness

10:02 pm November, 13 Horace Dangleballs said...

Douchebag photographer. How can he fuck up the auto-flash on a camera?

10:33 pm November, 13 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

@The Observation Specialist

Damn you! Now I'm never getting any work done!…unless gratuitous fwopping counts as work 😉

And good on you Australia, the rest of the world should follow your fine example.

…I'll be busy now building a 50 foot tall replica of tropical ass pear from used Ed Hardy butt plugs.

…cause I'm architectural like that.

10:44 pm November, 13 Mr. White said...

Jamie Eason was also featured in a couple of hcwdb pics not so long back, including a haiku pic.

Wheezer?

10:47 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

I just flipped on CNN, and scrolling across the bottom was this flabbergasting revelation:

Šαmuræ Scrðte once tack welded his penis to the inside of Jessica Biel's ovaries on the set of 7th Heaven… under the scrupulous scrutiny of the honorable Reverend Eric Camden.

I’m still trying to digest all that this signifies, and how it relates to the coming apocalypse in 2012.

10:48 pm November, 13 Wheezer said...

Here are some Jamie Eason/HCwDB links for all of you to enjoy.

And by "enjoy," I mean "fwap and fwop to."

As I'll be doing in 3…..2…..1…..

10:48 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

Yea, c'mon Wheeze, when was Jamie Eason featured here? It's been 5 minutes already.

We don't have all day.

10:48 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T!!!!

10:49 pm November, 13 Crucial Head said...

Wheezer is omniscient?

10:54 pm November, 13 Wheezer said...

Omniscient? No, I type slowly, especially when slobbering over Ass Pear and with at least 5 of my fingers trying to flog the dolphin.

10:57 pm November, 13 Teddy Tendergass said...

I though omniscient meant you didn't believe in electricity, drove a horse and buggy, and made your wife wear a silly bonet all the time?

11:14 pm November, 13 Vin Douchal said...

Matthew Stafford could probably get Jaime Eason

11:38 pm November, 13 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

Wheezer, words do not do that link justice. You are a scholar and a gentleman.

11:42 pm November, 13 Reader Mike said...

Okay, it's Friday night and I gots nothing going on.

But at least I'm not in that room having my balls vaporized by Alec Baldwin. So I guess it all kind of evens out.

DAMN, that is such a *great* movie!

11:58 pm November, 13 portlandouche said...

The Shake Weight parody is awesome. The Ellen DeGeneres Shake Weight clip is cute too.

12:48 am November, 14 massengill said...

@ Walrus Whisker

McSweeney's is hysterical. Read as much as you can: the lists, Dan Liebert Verbal Cartoonist and just the day to day front page submissions are great.

12:58 am November, 14 Anonymous said...

Frankenstein says:

Ass Pear GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Fire BAAAAAAAAAD!

1:10 am November, 14 Desert Douche said...

Oh Phoebe Cates! Why?! Whhhhhhyyyyy, must you hang with Hardy Douches!

1:12 am November, 14 Whoop-di-douche said...

McSweeney's rocks, rocks and rocks.

Ass Pear Easton has a little apricot tucked in there too.

Douchebaguettes are worse than Bleeths. Do they bring down nice guys into douchebags?

3:18 am November, 14 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Well companions, I'm 'bout to jump on the whiskey train and take a ride straight to the drunk tank. I'll do my best to sav a hott along the way…

Or at least puke on her shoes, ruin her night, and send her home sans douchebag.

We all have to do our part. And by part, I mean porch beef.

God's speed bag hunters.

3:20 am November, 14 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

^ "save"

I might have already boarded the train, don't judge me.

5:39 am November, 14 Mike said...

How many tins of porch beef must one consume before he has to visit the emergency room? Seriously, I think I might be in trouble here.

6:47 am November, 14 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

^ 8.9 Pubic Litres of porch beef is considered lethal.

So, use that to guide your actions.

When in Rome…

7:04 am November, 14 Troy Tempest said...

I'm in New York City. I hate this place.

7:25 am November, 14 Troy Tempest said...

Yo think THAT is the best 7 minutes of cinema? Dude – you're fucking high as a kite.

This is s the the real deal. Real Art.

punk ass mofo.

8:36 am November, 14 Steve L. said...

the "squeeze your cum from a stone" parody video led me to another video called "Guinness World Record's Biggest Zit Ever?!" holy shit i think that is the zit equivalent of the Gator. just thought i'd like to share.

8:58 am November, 14 Jacques Doucheteau said...

You want cinematic genius? Watch Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma and then tell me how great Alec Baldwin is.

That is some hella ass pear. I'd like to sink my teeth into it, but I'd have to drink my steaks through a straw from then on. Gawd-damn!!!!

Y'all think that's a smokin' hot picture of Jamie? Well think again. When I saw this, my penis had a stroke.

9:00 am November, 14 Jacques Doucheteau said...

It was a painful series of strokes. The recovery will be long and hard, but I'm helping the little guy pull through.

11:32 am November, 14 Anonymous said...

Great ass, but, she might beat you wimps in an arm wresting contest… What, do you just grab photos off the web and post 'em every friday. Have some creative license and do a photo shoot. Oh wait, I forgot. You're just here to analyze male schmucks, not take pics of hot babes for a website that obviously deserves an upgrade in babe display. Earn your dough but for God's sake grow a creative one when it comes to Friday hotties. In my life…

11:35 am November, 14 Anon 3:32 is pissy said...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

11:49 am November, 14 Scroteophobic said...

@Anon 0332
Yeah because what the internet really is lacking is a website where people post their own pictures of women. I mean, I have surfed the web for hours and never, ever seen any. What a radically brilliant, creative idea you have had. Maybe you should start this website? I am sure that such a revolutionary concept as an internet page filled with bad snaps of random women would attract many, many viewers. Can you patent ideas like this? I don't think so. Which is a shame. They ought to let you have a patent on the idea, just this once, in recognition of your amazing idea. A website with your pictures of women on. I still cannot get over how utterly brilliant and creative you are.

Wow. Sorry, I am having trouble finishing this post. I am just so excited by this idea. By the fact that I was here at the birth of what may be a new era in the web. Using it to share pictures of women. Wow. Just… Wow. Creative genius at its absolute best. Sir? I salute you. The world salutes you.

12:26 pm November, 14 lorem i pies said...

maybe you should just rename this webpage to stupidwomen.com. or blindwomen.com. take care.

1:38 pm November, 14 Steve L. said...

@ Jacques Doucheteau 12:58 AM,

whoa Jacques what are you trying to do to MY penis with this kind of nipple exposure?! just mutilate YOUR penis. don't get mine involved.

actually, on second thought…

1:40 pm November, 14 Steve L. said...

by the by, good for Australia.

1:54 pm November, 14 I am Jack's bulging eyels and lolling tongue said...

Strangely, I find myself not minding this particular Groin Shave Reveal. Perhaps it's the choice of subject matter.

Excuse me, I must go and meditate on this issue.

And by "meditate on this issue," I mean "fwop."

4:12 pm November, 14 We're All Thinkin' It.... said...

@ Troy 11:25

Ummm yeah; muuuch better. What next: a discourse on how Yoko Ono outrocks Slayer?

You reference tiresome twaddle like this clip not because you appreciate it but rather because you desire how your presentation of it paints you, you painfully self-aware MENSA peacock.

You insufferable pompous squib. You are the epitome of smug academia, to the point of being cliched self-caricature.

In the world of the intelligentsia, you're the equivalent of goob that goes shirtless in the club and grunts loudly in the gym.

If we give you a cookie will you stop, please? Or at least get a Twitter account, where your poseur blather about horse shit like how "The Life Aquatic" is best enjoyed with French subtitles belongs?

4:39 pm November, 14 joeEdo said...

Jamie Eason is hardcore Rippedpear.

5:13 pm November, 14 pass-tha-douchie-pon-de-lef-han-side said...

who the fux john gosselin?

5:16 pm November, 14 pass-tha-douchie-pon-de-lef-han-side said...

it was the actual moment i clicked on 'publish comment' that i realised i could just google it.

i have a hangover.

i just looked at the asspear picture again.

i have another bonk-on.

5:18 pm November, 14 pass-tha-douchie-pon-de-lef-han-side said...

aah, right…he's a fukking nobody.

7:59 pm November, 14 Wedgie said...

Geez, I got all excited thinking that bit of cinematic genius was going to be something like "Girls Who Eat Cum" or "Ass Attack". Guess we all have our own opinions.

11:38 pm November, 14 El Caganer said...

69!!!

9:59 pm November, 15 ImageWrangler said...

@Lamp. No, just like variety. And asspear.

6:40 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

Was this take at the Douchetuplet convention?

8:19 pm November, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

Damn… two more and it'd be Snow White and the Seven Douche

8:30 pm November, 18 Anonymous said...

Glen-DALE!!!

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