Wednesday, November 25, 2009

HCwDB: The Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel


Between Scribbles #1 and Scribbles #2, the Wretch just barely eeked out the win (loss) over Boobies and the Cosmobag, leaving the Mutaint a distant third.

On this short week Turkey Wednesday, lets go to the videotape:

Publius Choadius Naso: Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. Because tattooing “End Stereotypes” on your skinny white neck among a cacophony of gang-inspired affectations and amidst a pell-mell of emo-inspired fashion is the perfect way to get that particular point across.

Saving Private Guido: Wretch-a-Sketch… because I would prance alongside her in Kenya, shielding her from ravenous lions… and because I want to karate chop his soul.

The Donger: Wretch for the win. If anyone could make my unborn son cry in the womb, it would be him. That picture alone makes me want to be a better father.

Sluggo: Wretch-a-Sketch for the win. The guy’s entire life is built around his desire to look more like Travis Barker than Travis Barker looks like Travis Barker.

End the Haberdouchery: Having multiple tattoos about what a badass you are does not a badass make. Want to scare people with a tattoo? Get a narwhal f*cking a unicorn on top of a rainbow. Why? Because you have to have seen some messed up shit to get that tattooed on your body.

Troy Tempest: Wretch-a-Sketch it is for the win. Why? Simple: he’s a complete and utter douchebag – pure and simple. I’m really hungry right now, and I haven’t the time today to go into this farther – I have to go get something to eat before I pass out.

manimal: FTW…? Gotta be the (Gut) Wretch… He is just so insanely horrific I feel sick… Fortunately, he is destined to work the night shift at a 24-hour adult book-store, in downtown Flint, Michigan –

Wheezer: His desire to transform himself into a pseudo-Travis “Forever a Carnival” Barker shows dedication to the douche craft of perpetual instant gratification. Besides, the attitude he exudes in both photos (dual hat tilt accompanied by head tilt) makes me dizzy.

memphis doucheworkers local 421: wretch a sketch and zebra. as if bertrand russell didn’t have enough reasons to deny the existence of god

Jacques Doucheteau: Wretch FTW. He is a skid mark on the tighty whities of society. I guess one would just shave off all their body hair, then get eyebrows and chin pubes permanently etched in if you get crabs as often as McScribbles here does.

dbBen: Wretch-a-Sketch. Because Jezebel has a mother and a father. And someone must speak for them. Just as Ender became a speaker for the dead, I will speak for the mothers and fathers whose hearts are broken because of douchebaggery. “Come home Chiquita Hott, we have fresh pomegranates from the backyard and are just putting on Tortilla Soup featuring Hector Elizondo. We know it’s your favorite.”

Mr. Scrotato Head: The Census of Marine Life announced today that it had discovered 1000’s of new species in the deep recesses of the Librarianus Trench, an exotic chasm located in the depths of the heaving, bouncing Funbaglantic. Unfortunately, most are single celled bacteria, viruses, and yeast. Oh, and one mottled shrimp called Retch-a-Sketch. True story. Retch for the win. Biodiversity for the loss.

Well said panel, although Jezebel is not getting nearly the love she deserves for that poochable pooch. And since Turkey is coming up fast, lets move on to our #2 winner (loser), The Cosmobag and Boobies:

bourbon bill: Librarian hott has the boobies of my dreams. She can shush me all night while I comfort Karla and bandage her broken thumb with extra care. Cosmobag can sweep the meat off my porch. What does this mean? Booobies for the win!!!

jimmy manners: Wretch-a-Sketch is bad, but Cosmo made my monitor greasy. And sexy librarian boobies seal it. I will bury my head in them now.

Sergeant Scrote Stain: ‘Tis the week to give thanks, and I shall. I’m thankful for boobs, librarian glasses, boobs, and boobs. Cosmobag is more than douche enough to hold up his end of the scrote bargain with stupid glasses and general Persian douchitude.

Adrian.W: Gotta be Cosmobag FTW! I haven’t seen a Douche:Boobie ratio like that since the now infamous Chris Angel and Holly Whatsername pair up. Plain an simple.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Wretch-a-Sketch is a sub-human Rent-a-Wreck and in any other week may have won. However, Samantha is too hott to be denied, and Cosmobag reminds me of every weaselly car salesman I’ve ever met. And car salesmen are always douchebags. Cosmobag FTW

True that, SDB. Samantha’s boobies may see the light of day again. And by the light of day, I mean chomp. And in distant third, The Mutaint:

ManBearPig: With the glowing orange face, hair freshly harvested from the north side of a tree, sunglasses that are worth more than his ’94 Ford Topaz, flashy watch, double skull shirt, and ultra douchetacular pose, the Mutaint is a carefully handcrafted cornucopia of scrote.

atomed: The Cosmobag is punchable, the Wretch-a-Sketch is baseball bat-able, but the Mutaint is gunshot-able, no douchotomy for me, The mutaint wins.

Anonymous: The Mutaint FTW. The hotts with The Mutaint remind me of the wholesome goodness of a three pack of TastyKake Krimpets. The Mutaint reminds me that I have to pressure wash the part of the driveway that doesn’t get any sun, so I can get rid of that moss. I could go on, but I think “Pfft, what a douche!” says it all. Oh, and put me down as voting for Jennifer as the hottest ‘bag huntress.

Mutaint was a long shot but I wanted to give the ladies a chance to win a Weekly since it was such a good ‘tag. So lets let Parabellum take us home for Turkey:

Travesty Barker, Wretch-a-Sketch, the lesser member of Stink18Poo, FTW. For his is the ultimate in non-reversible douchism.

They should have a photo of him in every tattoo parlour as a warning.

He is to tattooing what Michael Jackson was to plastic surgery.

Well said team, and another excellent comments thread of turkey carvings and sweet peas. Chalk up Wretch for next week’s abbreviated Monthly, and the DB1 for breakfast cereals of sugary persuasion.

# posted by douchebag1
3:24 pm November, 25 boatbutter said...

Even if that's Amity Beach, no shark would eat that piece of shit.

3:29 pm November, 25 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Although I voted for boobs, wretch-a-sketch was without a shred of doubt the biggest douchebag. Well done baghunters. I was enthralled by cleavite, I have no idea how you all overcame the hypnotizing force that was Samantha's boobies.

You are professionals of the highest order.

And by professionals, I mean alcoholics.

3:41 pm November, 25 Bob said...

I too was lulled into trance by the mightiness of Cosmo's librarian hott's boobcicles. But excellent mocking was done by all. Unfortunately, as always, the douchebags' win is humanity's gene pool's loss.

4:04 pm November, 25 ImageWrangler said...

The best won this week, but of course that's like having the best underwear skidmark, the best trailer in the trailer park, or the best cancer.

4:15 pm November, 25 DarkSock said...

Wretch-A-Sketch's victory is sort of like raping a bear; nobody wins, and everybody gets fucked.

4:18 pm November, 25 DarkSock said...

Actually, perhaps this better illustrates the point I am trying to make here.

4:20 pm November, 25 El Caganer said...

Bear rape is more common than you think. I blame the recession.

4:24 pm November, 25 El Caganer said...

WaS might have deserved to win but, I had to vote for the boobies and Karla. I truly never got around to looking at Cosmobag.

4:26 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

@ DarkSock

I can take on 39 baboons.

…but only 2 ba-boobs that blinded me to the true douchiness of the Wretch. The boobs were powerful enough to not only block out the image of Cosmobag, but the adjacent photo of Wretch as well.

-noobbag

4:45 pm November, 25 bourbon bill said...

I have too many Librarian Hott fantasies to vote any other way than Cosmobag. Scribbles is pure poo and is worthy of the weekly, but damn it those are some nice jiggly jugs.

5:50 pm November, 25 J said...

You know it's bad when a photograph makes you feel like you need a shower. Ugh.

6:17 pm November, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Scribbles,

Enjoy the spotlight. In a couple days Smoot is going to stroll by your spot on the boardwalk and request a charicature from you. You'll do it because you need the $15 bucks to ink in the image of Hugo Chavez on your left testicle.

Once your done, he's going to look it up and down, show a hint of smile on the corners of his mouth, then role the drawing up into a tight tube. He's going to take that tube, shove it up your ass, and inflate your carcass like a bright, colorful beach balloon.

At which point he and his bros will beat you around like the overinflated scrote that you are, all the while taking turns with Zebrahot until she's so stretched out you can hear the ocean gurgling and splorting in her spinnaker-sized vagina. Once you pop on a discarded needle or broken Grey Goose bottle, they'll leave your stretched out Sunday Comics remains for the meth addicts and cast of "Jersey Shore" to play with.

Winning the Monthly means losing. And you are one pathetic winner. I feel sorry for the tatt artist who's obligated to fill in the last spots of humanity left on your skin.

6:32 pm November, 25 Hector, Tamer of Douches said...

I feel as though WaS afforded me a moment of enlightenment – for too long I have hunted for the Guido-greasescrotes or the Fag'bag choadsters. There's a whole other demographic of douches out there that must be recognized and targeted. I confess my shortcomings to my peers and beg forgiveness.

11:52 am November, 26 Steve L. said...

while i did not have any doubts about Blink 180poo, i'm glad librarian hott Samantha got some love too.

3:43 pm November, 26 Blasphemy RotMouth said...

Bear Rape.

About time we all talked about this openly, as adults.

5:41 am November, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

I once saw a bear rape in the northern peninsula of Michigan, by the lakeshore. It was a super-i-rear experience.

4:29 pm November, 28 po said...

Further not farther.

10:42 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

Red Tony is the Douche of the Month.

He has been on here like 7 or 8 times this month!

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