Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Kettlehead Demands 2009 Douchie Considerations


In preparation for our upcoming awards show, The 2009 Douchies (beginning December 7th), ‘bags like Kettlehead are demanding appreciation for their ability to pull hotts while arching a singular eyebrow.

I already told Kettlehead he didn’t even win a Weekly, let alone a Monthly, and therefore is ineligible for the 2009 HCwDB of the Year.

But his creepy, shiny shaved chest and double brunette kiss skill are demanding satisfaction.

And by satisfaction, they mean laser treatments every ten to twelve weeks.

# posted by douchebag1
5:56 pm November, 24 Douche Wayne said...

Perhaps a Wildcard category is in order, just for those tools who get (dis)honorable mentions each Weekly without making the cut.

There are some gems in there.

6:01 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

Wildcard indeed.

Kettlehead not getting monthly? That would be like Jethro Tull beating out Metallica for the heavy metal grammy or something.

The man is Peaches-like in his consistency with the arched eyebrow and 4-size-too-small shirts.

6:07 pm November, 24 Mr. White said...

If any part of my body were ever that shiny, I would go to the doctor, stat.

Unless some brunette hott was trying to climb me like a telephone pole. Then I'd put the medical treatment off. For an amount of time somewhere between 1:17 and 2:05 minutes.

6:08 pm November, 24 jonezy said...

maybe he has turrets of the eye?

6:11 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

maybe he has a skin graft from a fetal pig across his bare chest?

6:11 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

maybe he had a stroke in his upper scalp?

6:12 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

maybe he pays Thai lady-boys to constantly tweeze his sternum to a high gloss sheen?

6:12 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

maybe he just ate an Ambien sandwich?

6:13 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

maybe it feels like a toothless daschund is kissing his upper thigh right now?

6:17 pm November, 24 jonezy said...

maybe he's really Scott Summers?

6:21 pm November, 24 jonezy said...

maybe Kettlehead has alopecia from the neck down?

6:25 pm November, 24 End the Haberdouchery said...

Guy Fawkes called, he said fuck you.

Chest waxing calls attention to the fact that you're a little soft around the edges. Apparently that doesn't matter, because these chicks dig BluBlockers in a dark room.

6:26 pm November, 24 Justin said...

Yep. Give Kettlehead a chance.

I also think P. Doody should get in the mix (remember the Playa 4 Life tattoo?).

Ooooh we are in for an epic battle!

6:26 pm November, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

His chest is smoother than her arm pit. I'll bet it's smoother than either vagina.

6:42 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

His chest is smoother than Billy Dee Williams on ecstacy.

6:47 pm November, 24 Justin said...

He also has women's fingers.

6:47 pm November, 24 pv1 said...

So that's what a polished turd looks like!

6:47 pm November, 24 pv1 said...

Stupid Blogger and its conflicting conflicts.

6:48 pm November, 24 Douche Wayne said...

Darksock 10:01 FTW, just for the Metallica reference.

6:51 pm November, 24 massengill said...

Let him in.

Nottadouche?

6:59 pm November, 24 The Desert Douchehunter said...

The only demands Kettlehead should be making is for his money back from the pimp he got these two from.

6:59 pm November, 24 Douche Wayne said...

@ massengill

Nottadouche only if he's a Dr. Seuss character.

7:00 pm November, 24 Mike said...

^ I don't know what that is. I don't feel like it's douche, but it's definately unemployed.

Kettlehead's chest is made of fine Corinthian leather?

7:13 pm November, 24 Vin Douchal said...

RE: Kettlehead's eyebrow enhanced stare:

Reminds me of the great, CLEAN hockey hit when Campbell destoyed Umberger about 4 years ago.

As the doctor checked out Umberger, the announcer came out with the line of the year:

"That's not the gaze of someone who's with us" ( @ 0:36)

7:29 pm November, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Kettlehead definitely needs wildcard consideration.

Is he showing us a new look? It seems as though he's going for the multiple eyebrow look. It seems as though he has split each eyebrow almost at the midpoint of each eye. One part continues back in a straight line to join the ridiculous fauxhawk while the other part remains arched. This is the work of a truly inspired genius. And by genius I mean he would brag about winning a game of "hi Ho Cheerio" with a retarded kid.

7:29 pm November, 24 hijodeodin said...

haha mirar pinchie joto with blonde top he looks like a over ripe deranged cunt head

7:36 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

Biloxi actually has a hockey team; it is hilariously named The Surge.

They're going on the road to play the L.A. Riots, then the New Orleans Levees, and finally the New York HiJacks.

7:39 pm November, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I wonder how much a Brazilian costs for a chest? Kelly Clarkson!

7:44 pm November, 24 El Queso said...

@DarkSock: heheheheheh, you FTW.
Now I have to change my pants.
'Billy Dee Williams on Ecstasy'
Roflcopters away!

7:45 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

Wildcard indeed. Or a new Douchie category…

Greasiest drug dealer?
Most active eyebrows? (Poopaloompa would give him a run for his money though)
Bleethiest Hotts?
Most shaved chest reveals?

Where there's a will, there's a way.

AV

7:45 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

If he gets in then Bagpolean needs to get in.

7:51 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

Kettlehead's bellybutton is peeking out from behind the shirt, demanding, "Bitch, you better put us up for the Douchies! Kettlehead done shaved my head bald and waxed me!"

-Bagnonymous

7:54 pm November, 24 scrotum pole said...

Here's the real deal, when it comes to the singular raised eyebrow.

7:54 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

PS. @Darksock 10:13

Dammit boy, the visual/imagined sensation of a "toothless daschund…kissing his upper thigh" just made me blow snot all over my keyboard…!

-Bagnonymous

8:04 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

Harvy Keitel in Taxi Driver called. He wants his look and lifestyle back.

AV

8:14 pm November, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Okay listen Kettlehead:

No ringers. Bring it next year.

8:27 pm November, 24 Wheezer said...

No, Kettlehead. Just…..no.

8:43 pm November, 24 Troy Tempest said...

I think we should get together a douchebag convention and invite all the asshats here to attend. We could hold it in vegas. Then once they've all arrived, nuke the city. Then we would never have to deal with their greasy idiocy again.

8:47 pm November, 24 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Kettlehead shows the type of consistency that is to be admired. And by admired, I mean studied with a sense of bewilderment and haughty disdain. Kettlehead should be granted the wild card douchie entry on his ability to run on the "every man's douche" platform. He is a scrote born of mediocrity and has embraced such. He lives to be marginally below average, and I applaud his self awareness. He has taken a nonskill, no, a handicap, and turned it into a calling card.

Good show Kettlehead.

And his ability to pull the B+ woo hotts gives him the final demension to pull of the most stunning upset of all time.

I say, let 'em play.

8:49 pm November, 24 Mr. White said...

@Troy

Killing "A-list" douchebags only makes them martyrs for up and coming douche. Don't do it, man.

8:55 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

Wild card, no wild card…doesn't matter because we all know the final race will be between E-BLO and Smoot, and that race will be tighter than Kettle's shirt.

In that light, give the poor bastard a run with the Bulls. A significant body of work such as his, and not even a weekly to show for it? He was robbed. And by "he was robbed" I mean "we were rewarded".

8:56 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

Or at least a cage match between him and Crimson Ted. Yeah.

8:56 pm November, 24 Poopert Holmes said...

2 men go in, 1 jelly dong comes out…

8:58 pm November, 24 Max said...

I dunno about a wildcard in the yearly, but his consistency should probably earn him a spot in the hallowed Hall o' Scrote.

Let the monthly champs battle it out like usual, but those who show up time and again belong in the Hall

9:16 pm November, 24 baleen said...

Kettlehead deserves a wildcard mention at least. He pulls a high percentage of hotts, has a giant mark of the douche chest, dyed pube fauxhawk, and the all mesmerizing eyebrow sunglass tilt vortex.

Jose Feliciano would be proud.

9:16 pm November, 24 Wedgie said...

Kettlehead exhibits multiple female traits, from his hairless chesticles to his girlie fingers.

Put him in the 'Baguette category. He is a lesbian.

9:26 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

As with the old days of the WWF, there should be the equivalent of an 'Intercontinental Champion' for douches of lesser scrotacity than the leading heavyweights in E-blo and Smoot. A curtain-raiser 'B-final' if you will. It just 'aint going to be fair to the other choads otherwise.

Darksock's Billy Dee Williams on E line for the thread win.

9:39 pm November, 24 El Caganer said...

Smoot would destroy him.

9:44 pm November, 24 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Italian group asks MTV to cancel 'Jersey Shore'

Posted: 2:30 PM, November 24, 2009

FAIRFIELD, N.J. — An MTV reality show that depicts Italian-American beachgoers as the “hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos” is offensive to Italian-Americans and should be scrapped before it airs, a national Italian-American organization says.
UNICO National said Tuesday that “Jersey Shore” relies on crude stereotypes and highlights cursing, bad behavior and violence in depicting renters at a New Jersey beach house.
A promo describes the participants thusly: “They keep their hair high, their muscles juiced and their fists pumping all summer long!”

MTV/SCOTT GRIES
The cast of "Jersey Shore."
UNICO President Andre DiMino calls the show “trash television.”
It’s scheduled to debut Dec. 3.
There was no immediate comment from MTV.

Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/tv/italian_group_asks_mtv_to_cancel_6NTnjOmvXU04KcecvGMy6N#ixzz0XodhPzA5

9:44 pm November, 24 scrotum pole said...

I have no sympathy at all for him. It takes hard work to be a top-notch scrote.

Kettlehead had his chance. Instead of his half-ass effort, he could have come to the table with more tatoos, better hotts or at least a URC instead of his lame drinking glass and pink swizzle-stick.

I say to hell with this slacker. Since he didn't step his game up, he'll be relegated to the ash-heap of oblivion where he belongs.

10:53 pm November, 24 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Stand back, and I'll tase the douche. His shaved chest begs for it. And in the process, teach the bagette's a lesson called how electricity conducts via the human body.

10:54 pm November, 24 End the Haberdouchery said...

With the exception of the boss's show and anything with Rob Dyrdek is there anything that isn't "trash television"?

5:09 am November, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

I've been inspired to polish my wood floors after glancing at Kettlehead's smoothed, shined chest, and am still pondering whether that's a cowboy boot or the mark of the douche on his forehead. But the gals don't seem to care, so neither should I.

10:11 am November, 25 Steve L. said...

i dunno man. Kettlehead coming up with this pic at this point in time is like Rudy Giuliani gunning for Florida after skipping out on every other primary state. (as an observer to the Republican primaries of 2008, i actually supported Rudy Giuliani)

not that i would turn down the double brunettes though.

11:14 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

One douche added to two tramps equals:

* giant sigh *

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