Friday, November 27, 2009

Reader Mail: Enough With the Douchebaguettes


Sarah writes in with a complaint:

—-
DB1,

I’m sure you hear this a lot… but a lot of the pictures you put up unfortunately have chicks who, though technically hott, are clearly just as douchey, if not more so, than their male counterparts.

Yet you usually fail to mention this. Such an intellectual as yourself can surely see the logical folly in excusing ‘baggy behaviour, simply because it’s exhibited by the female of the species? I think this may call for a new category: Douche Couple.

For the HCwDBs moniker to REALLY work, the chick in the picture has to exhibit innocence, beauty and be seemingly un-orange-streaked. If she’s as douchey as him, it just looks like anyone with tits can be a loser and not get pwned for it.

What say ye, Douche Master?
- Sarah
—–

I agree that the truly toxic HCwDB pic contains exactly the alchemy you describe, Ms. Sarah. But we must also witness the Bleethed out Douchebaguette, in all her douchery, as the warning of our times.

As to my own skills at mocking female douchitude, this is a concept I explain at length in my book, and is generally referred to as the douchadox. The moment at which boobie hottie suckle thigh calls to me, and overrides my critical faculties, preventing honest critique. This is also a sign of the ‘bag within, and represents the limitations of subjectivity. And boobies.

# posted by douchebag1
5:42 pm November, 27 creature said...

where is my glass shard sprinkled tennis gut racket when I need it… 2 prime overhead smashes are hovering on my screen right now

5:46 pm November, 27 ruggbutt said...

Back when I was young and studly and playing in rock bands I often kicked Bleeth's like this one to the curb for extreme douche-like behavior. To get the full effect you need video, cuz nothing shrinks my manhood like a Jerzy Bleeth and that annoying accent.

The few times I nailed a douchette was out of extreme prejudice. Sometimes you're just in the mood for a spite-f**k.

6:22 pm November, 27 Wheezer said...

@Sarah,

Of course you are correct that bleeths deserve no glorification with appearances here, but as DB1 explained, sometimes the visual warnings need to be put out there. "This could happen to you," so to speak, "for hanging out with a 'jacked' assclown like this."

It's potentially akin to watching oneself on video during a drunken bender. "Did I really act like that?" Ask DarkSock about his adventures with speedboats on the Gulf…..

Regardless, you should join in the 'bag/bleeth hunting with us. You would be welcome, of course! : D

- Wheezer

6:22 pm November, 27 Bob said...

The prime difference when confronted by a male-douche versus a female-douche who is hott is: the male douche brings forth feelings of disgust, rage, and intellectual superiority; whereas the female-douche hott brings forth disgust, intellectual superiority, and lust to lick the boobie hottie suckle thigh despite the Bleeth tainting.

Take the douchebaguette in the picture. She's almost vomit inducing in her doucheiness, yet my heart longs to motorboat those fine jugs of hers.

*sigh* I'm pathetic.

6:40 pm November, 27 Anonne Huntress said...

As I am completely straight and have no desire to motorboat any woman's jugs, I can still appreciate a truly hot hott. It is just tough to do that when they reveal themselves to be a douche just like the pud next to them.

That said, the douchebaguettes just need better mocking for their stupidity. And you can't always blame the man. You know what they say about birds of a feather? Chances are, she was like that to begin with and they just found each other.

6:56 pm November, 27 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Sarah,

Your concern is a common one amongst the female visitors of this site. It's only natural to question the obvious hypocracy in criticizing a male while glorifying a female for identical behavior. To this apparent contradiction I have three words to justify it's existence:

Titts, Ass, Vagina.

Please note that writing silly lustful passages about complete douchebagguettes in no way indicates that we would actually perform the same actions in real life.

I know, the 'bagguette wants to be looked at. It gets them hott and bothered. Their whole existence revolves around men looking at them and telling them that they are "hott." that's why they tan, do coke, puke after meals, get huge silicone boobies, and fellate random men on the dance floor. In essence, we are gving them exactly what they want.

That's okay. In real life they are empty; destined for a life of psychological and physical abuse, depression, eating disorders, and venerial disease. Our words here are only jokes, their empty exisence on the other hand is very real.

So relax. Look at the fake boob and enjoy, becaus I know, an you know, age thirty and beyond will be more than unkind to these retarded bimbos.

Love,

S Cubed

Ps. I want to touch you. In a sexual kind of way.

7:28 pm November, 27 Scroteophobic said...

@Wheezer 1022
Is it wrong that I immediately thought that the link would take me to a picture of a man with his dick trapped in a speedboat's engine intake? And is it even wronger that I still clicked on it to see?

7:41 pm November, 27 Leftover Giblets said...

Q: Why do women have vaginas?

A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women have yeast infections?

A: So they, too know what it's like to live with a nasty cunt.

7:58 pm November, 27 joeEdo said...

This post summarizes why I love this website.

8:09 pm November, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Douche and 'baguette get the math wrong here. I think Mr. White needs to send them the monosyllabic version of some of his texts. And by send, I mean continuously throwing books at them until their pummeled corpses can't be resurrected anymore.

8:29 pm November, 27 doucheywallnuts said...

What all the in front of the trend bleeth, douchebaguettes are wearing these days.

http://www.afflictionclothing.com/blackpremium/collection.php

9:25 pm November, 27 Hector, Tamer of Douches said...

This has truly been an insightful post. I think it is safe to say that while the site may demonstrate apparent prejudice, it is a necessary evil.

One cannot abide the sight or even awareness of Analhawk demonstrating the angle at which he likes his prostrate milked without the soothing presence of boobies to ease the pain.

And by ease the pain I mean motorboat.

9:56 pm November, 27 Scroteophobic said...

But, seriously, do people find her in any way soothing? Yeah she has tits. And? So does about 55% of the world's population (assuming roughly 50/50 sex split and 10% percent obesity rate giving us the horrible statistic that 5% of the world's population have moobs).

I'd say that the hott/bleeth phenomenon is best summed up by saying that the product of her hotness and bleethiness must be less than a fixed value for her to be lustable over (H.B < K). Enough bleething will ruin even the most insanely hot hott. I'm thinking that we should name this universal constant after one of the women who have featured on here. One of those pictures where you just cannot make your mind up if they have crossed the line. Those nightmare photos that make you wake up at night screaming "No! Yes! No! I don't know!"

10:01 pm November, 27 Hector, Tamer of Douches said...

Second that!

10:10 pm November, 27 Bob said...

Sarge, you said it right. No way would I allow my lips to come anywhere near the pictured baguette's body anywhere. She's a terrible infection waiting to happen. Just a nice set of jugs to admire from a distance, whilst simultaneously mocking her and her 'bag.

I also agree with Scroteophobic. There is a point when the Bleething is too much, it so overshadows the Hott than you get nary a stir from my nethers. That's a Stage 4, or a later Stage 3. Early Stage 3 or before? Still can give me wood, as long as the Hott is hot enough.

10:16 pm November, 27 Wheezer said...

K = Q-sub(MSH)?

(I can't do subscript HTML here…..as far as I know.)

12:04 am November, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Why did this dickhead take his high and tight and do that with it? Hopefully he really isn't in the Marines. If he is, they should make him do The Crucible again. Blindfolded.

12:05 am November, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Scroteophobic

Glad to see you posting again my geek brother from anotha motha…

Your idea definitely needs further consideration. The (H.B.< K) needs to have some real math behind it. As usual, we first need a list of variables (with boundary conditions) and then we need to see how we should fit them together. It would be nice if we could get a set of empirical data and then fit an equation to it. We should probably elicit responses from everyone here (EXCLUDING anons)to see what we have to work with. Then me, you, Mr. White and anyone else who wants to can come up with a Master Bleeth Equation. I'm guessing we'll need several iterations before we get it right (have to make sure it doesn't explode when zeros are put into it). Is it wrong that I'm kind of geeked about this idea?

2:25 am November, 28 Anonymous said...

This is why i'm afraid of ever having a daughter. If she ever brings one of these assholes home and says "Daddy I love him", I know i'll be in jail shortly after for manslaughter.

4:10 am November, 28 ruggbutt said...

Trust me on this, Anonymous. It's worth it. The time goes by quickly.

5:45 am November, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Bitch needs to bleach her anal beads.

And the above summarizes the absolute necessity for having bleeth and douchebaguette as part of the HCwDB equation. They remind us that a true Hott is the rarest of all God's creations, a Hope Diamond adrift in a sea of zinc-plated charm bracelets and infected clit piercings, a Mona Lisa amongst Dogs Playing Poke Her, a copy of Annie Hall sandwiched between Anal Hall and Any Hole.

8:00 am November, 28 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Mr. Scrotato Head

I like your style.

I'll be at the Rose Bowl, living in OSU glory come New Year's Day.

That is all.

Sincerely,

S Cubed

Ps. Boobies.

9:56 am November, 28 Steve L. said...

OMG Sarah used the word "pwned". SARAH FOR HALL OF HOTT REGARDLESS OF WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

… hey i had to honor my heritage as an MMO gamer.

9:59 am November, 28 Steve L. said...

i never said i was a rational human being.

10:01 am November, 28 Scroteophobic said...

@Wheezer
Is that Mia Sarah Hott Quartasian? I was thinking about the pool girl who took a long series of pictures in which she slid back and forth along the very cusp of irretrievable bleeth.

@Dr Bunsen
Maybe I should expand what I meant by the equation – you see I was looking for a T-shirt slogan, the E=mc2 of HCwDB. Something everyone could get without worrying about the nasty maths behind it. Maybe more like the General Relativity tensor equation that looks nice and then expands into a hideous partial derivative filled multidimensional nightmare. You see I reckon that H and B are the conceptual wrappers for two complex and interacting beasts. Hott can be of many types and some types are more bleeth resistant than others. For example the innocent-hott component of hott is highly sensitive to bleeth-taint while anything-goes-hott thrives on a small amount of bleething. I reckon that H and B are actually large matrices of scores, with B perhaps being a product of some underlying B and a weighting matrix that defines how it couples to H. Hang on a minute… Hott-bleeth coupling on a bed of matrices? BRB…

10:05 am November, 28 Scroteophobic said...

Oh – and no, there is nothing wrong with getting geeky. Ever!

Of course now we have to start the great debate that divides theoreticians and empiricists. Do we fit to data or build a model? Should we do this by scoring dozens of hott/bleeths and seeing where that takes us or iterate through ever more realistic models of how the two forces interact?

11:07 am November, 28 Douchey Harry said...

Aaargh. They're both doing the stupid duck-face. Where did this new douch-quackery come from?

12:03 pm November, 28 Anonymous said...

sweet jesus boys, chick on recent chinpupe edition was super hott (a little bump on her nose made her a bit more human), but the douche here has a massive bashed crab fuck knuckle nose and everyone fails to notice it…hmph. he aint pretty.

5:08 pm November, 28 Anonymous said...

i refer to these duos as: "douch-on-douche"

7:43 pm November, 28 Marjorie said...

Talking about douchey chicks and orange skins/tans i remembered when that asian guy with the afro from the pickup artist told these models that they had "the most oragest tans" his ever seen… my boyfriend and i laughed our ass off

heres a link to that video :

http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?id=1597719

8:29 pm November, 28 Witless said...

I think that we can all agree, male and female alike, that there is a need for a bleeth-determining system. Variables that must be taken into account include the obvious: level of orange, lip formation at posed moment (i.e. duck-face, tongue-out (usually in conjunction with a hand gesture)), hand gesture(s), overall slutty-ness of attire (and this, many straight men will need help in judging, i.e. girl on the left in ronald mcdonald photo- her "shorts", because she is in a seemingly public atmosphere, have pushed her right into bleeth territory), hair color/style (i.e. skunk stripes like one of the girls in "thanksgiving dinner etiquette" hot tub), and of course, miss "teethy" of "the unknown jersey". Some girls on this page who pass the "hot chicks" test with flying colors: the two brunettes with "kettlehead" seem just fine, "Gloria" passes, "the schmocks" companion is tasteful enough, girl with "corn pudding", chinpube's supposed date is lovely and 'baguette-free. The fact remains that judging douchebag/baguette-ness is a two-sided affair, and I believe Douchebag1 needs a counterpart in his HCwDB debate. That, or a sibling-site must be created: Hot Guys with Skank Whores. No, this is not a "jealousy thing", as men tend to see it as, but a laughable comparison of a perfectly nice looking male with a previously-described "Bleethed-out Douchebaguette".

1:07 am November, 29 Jessica said...

a sibling-site must be created: Hot Guys with Skank Whores.

I second this x100.

5:16 am November, 29 Dave Navarro said...

I'm bi again. I want both of them to jam their middle fingers up my ass.

12:15 pm November, 29 Scroteophobic said...

@Jessica
You'd have to change the language a bit. Booby-suckle-thigh to Peccy-muscle-thigh?

10:06 pm November, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

*snort* Huh? Wuh? What happened? Last thing I remember was a giant plate of turkey smothered in gravy. And something about an orbital sander.

As much as a double standard does exist, this is sadly the way it is. I can have my pussy privileges revoked for sharing the secrets of the sisterhood, but, meh. Those stupid lodge meetings we have when we all go to the bathroom together are really a bore.

Well, it's true, and the wise SSS pointed this out at 10:56, we are in possession of three of the world's most sought-after commodities: Tits, ass and vagina. I'm a giant fag hag, and most gay men are even obsessed with tits. I kid you not, they find them awesome, and rightfully so.

However, this is where the conundrum lies for most women: Do I use my powers for good or evil? Unfortunately, too many young women also view their girl bits as commodities, bargaining chips if you will. I'd say from most of the post above, you 'Baghunters have encountered the big three archetypes of what I like to refer to as "Snatch Merchants". By that I mean women who use their bits as the means to an end and a definition of themselves, as opposed to a small part of their whole package. This use of bits as bait not only lessens the reward of getting such bits, but lessens the importance of their other characteristics that would better serve them as they age. Of course, most women don't see it coming until it's too late, but the fact is this: Pussy only gets you into so many doors, and you'll only be allowed to stick around a small percentage of those doors if you have other skills.

So, for your edification, the three main archetypes of Bleeth, as seen from inside She-Ville.

1. Good Time Susie: Again, SSS so deftly dissected this one @ 10:56. Desperate for attention and affirmation, this one believes that bad attention is better than no attention. Hey, she might be known as the dirties whore in three counties, but she gets invited to every party, never pays for a drink and doesn't go home alone. So, ya gotta be the hub at the Bukakke parties, and you lose your uterus to cervical cancer at the age of 28, but, at least you got noticed!

Princess Prissy Puss: This one will make you pay for it, literally. See the above, only this one is smart enough to make you pay for the parts up front. This one will suck you off and all of your friends, but you gotta buy a bottle of Cristal first and prove your net worth before she'll let you put it up her pooper and post the cameraphone video on YouPorn.

The Golden Meanie: The smartest of the three, and perhaps the most sinister. She has all the slutty behaviors of #1, all the conniving, gold-digging scheming of #2, with none of the put-out reward for all of your effort. She'll dry-hump you on the dance floor all night, demand you buy drinks for her AND her cuntourage, and then ditch you at the end of the night in a blue-balled, twitching frenzy while she goes home to her boyfriend. BITCH!!!!

Beware, 'Baghunters. Look beyond the trappings to the plainer girl at the end of the bar, sipping a beer and wearing khakis. Not only will she tell funny fart jokes, but she will let you cum on her librarian glasses after the requisite four dates.

4:04 am November, 30 Whoop-di-douche said...

MY, how we all talk on this site!

11:59 pm November, 30 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Scroteophobic 2:05

I prefer to think of this as an inverse problem. We know what the results are, we just have to work backwards and find an equation that encompasses all the necessary variables that we define. I do like the idea of matrices with weighting factors though. But then as you point out, is the chicken or the egg first? We need to start like all good geeks with a hypothesis. I'll let you come up with that one. I'm too damn wiped out from teaching all day.

6:57 pm December, 1 Scroteophobic said...

@Dr Bunsen
Ouch – tough job! But I think I have the bones of a research proposal.
Overarching hypothesis: There exists a level of bleethiness that will render a hot of any hotness nottahott
Problem One: Define bleethiness.
Proposed solution: Use the Wheezer algorithm to recursively scan the archives and retrieve a wide range of bleeths. Survey the boards and score each bleeth according to a simple system of 1-10. Categories should include Overall Bleethiness and the subcategories Accessory bleething, Hair bleething, Actions bleething, Clothes bleething. Perform a series of regression analyses to derive the form of the relationship between total bleeth and subcomponent bleeth. While the median residual is greater than 5% of the scores loop back through and find the other, hidden bleething variables. Once we reduce residuals to under 5% this project is complete. Projected budget: 45K. Projected manpower: 18 hunters and huntresses, part time. Projected completion time: 6 months. Special equipment: eye bleach, anti-herpes vaccinations, crab powder.
Problem two: Define Hott. Similarly to above break this down into subcategories of hott and derive the master Hotness equation from a representative sample of the Hall of Hott. Once we reduce residuals to under 5% this project is complete. Projected budget: 15K. Projected manpower: me, full time. Projected completion time: 12 glorious months. Special equipment: hand cream, tissues, anti-chafing gloves.
Problem three: Rate all the tested women on a scale 1-10 with 10 being yes-yes-yes-yes, 5-6 being probably-but-I'd-feel-ashamed and 1 being not-even-with-Doc's-dick. Call this z. Armed with the above relationships solve the equation (H.x).(y.B) = z. This may have to be solved numerically rather than analytically but I am sure someone out there has a spare Cray or two just waiting to solve vital problems like this. Same 5% residual is the success criterion. Projected budget: 75K. Projected manpower: five coding geeks, five maths geeks and a partridge cockk in an ass-pear tree. Projected completion time: 18 months. Special equipment: pizza.

You reckon we could get government funding for this?

10:05 pm December, 1 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ Scroteophobic

We could totally get funding for this. We just have to come up with a really cool acronym that we can put on hats, t-shirts, bumper stickers, etc. and submit it to the Obama administration under a works-project initiative. Then we'd need to form a special interest group, hire legal council, and they make ourselves a general pain in the ass to Obama and the media. We could carry signs that say "Who's thinking about the hotts?" and "Why is bleeth funding at an all time low?" (No one needs to know that the funding is at $0 right now and has been for some time.) Once the media picks up on it then you can take over the reigns in the UK and we can get double the funding! Most of the people that we need are already posting on the site and as long as they get some hott pictures our only cost will be in liquor and pizza. We should get to work on this immediately.

5:59 pm December, 3 Scroteophobic said...

Quantification and Understanding of Extreme Ends of Fuckability? Vote QUEEF today!

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