Monday, November 16, 2009

Reader Mail: Jennifer's Superdouche Tag


—-
TO DB1:

These are some pics of douches we met in Seattle’s infamous bar, Amber.

(Pic #2 — Hot Tub Guy)

They thought it was necessary to do these outrageous poses for whatever reason. The lights were really dim, and one guy thought he actually pulled off the “just got off the yacht” tanned look. He almost did until we clearly saw his orange face from the flash in the pictures. LOL.

Anyway, let me know if any of these pictures make it onto the blog.

xoxo,
Jennifer

—-

I don’t know which of these three ladies are you, Jennifer. But I know that this is a quality ‘bag tag, worth at least 350 points on “Douche Hunter,” and so I would thank you. By massaging your temples with melted tuscan chocolates and light, powdered ‘nilla extract.

Until you grew bored and texted your BFF to come over before I went for the boob.

# posted by douchebag1
10:03 pm November, 16 Anonymous said...

Ho Lee Fuck… My eyes! My eyes!

10:05 pm November, 16 Wedgie said...

That's what you get for hanging around Seattle. Come on down to Southern California. Our douches are much more tainted. But we still can't touch New Jersey.

10:07 pm November, 16 Don Bagho said...

Is that really a pooka shell necklace? Oh god. Here comes lunch. And by lunch I mean the sixpack I just finished.

10:11 pm November, 16 Anonymous said...

@Comment Deleted 2:02pm

Rotflmao!

10:11 pm November, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

This guy has three things in common with Oscar the Grouch:

– His hair is green
– He lives in a trash can
– He is a douchebag

10:12 pm November, 16 Justin said...

I can't find the douche. Where is he? I see three hotts, and a carrot with sunglasses sprouting from a bag of feces… where's the douche??

10:22 pm November, 16 The Donger said...

Jennifer – well done. And thanks for answering the question of what ever happened to my quirky Honors English 12 high school teacher (Hot tub guy).

And when I mean quirky, I mean he is the largest sitz bath ever manufactured used to treat hemorrhoids and other unsavory conditions.

Stay gold Jennifer. And send more pictures (with or without the bags.)

10:22 pm November, 16 McDouche the Slime Dawg said...

A question for Jennifer: If you know Amber is overrun with Douchebags (you describe it as "notorious"), why do you and your friends go there wearing your skimpiest outfits? That mystery is what fuels normal guys' fascination with sites like this…

10:25 pm November, 16 Anonymous said...

A question for Jennifer: If you know Amber is overrun with Douchebags (you describe it as "infamous"), why do you and your friends go there wearing your skimpiest outfits? That mystery is what fuels normal guys' fascination with sites like this…

10:27 pm November, 16 Wedgie said...

@ Anon 2:11

Ycsmdn Embo

10:33 pm November, 16 Joel said...

"Wait'll they get a load of me."

10:34 pm November, 16 Anonymous said...

OMG! I have to say that Anon's are ripping it up in the comment's thread today. WTF-BBQ!!

Lolcopters!

10:37 pm November, 16 bagwagger said...

That's the ugliest fucking ChiaPet I've ever seen.

10:40 pm November, 16 Salmon said...

I'd look to go for the boob and I'm talking talking about the dude! Half-shirt blondy is hot!

10:42 pm November, 16 Bob said...

Normally, a 'bag goes for a whole look. Meaning, he either goes for a "beach 'bag" look or the "party club animal 'bag" look, and his various poo-stained accoutrement at least follow a theme.

This scrote is just a mish-mash of fail. Ridiculous shirt patter, but it's a regular tshirt and not open at the top. Watch, but a plastic looking piece of shit and not a 6-pounder. Tribal tat, but not much, and only one arm. Green fucked up hair, but it looks very temporary, so he's not dedicated to the look. Sunglasses, but not mirrored, and is that tape holding them together? There is no good "Geek 'Bag" accessories.

This guy is almost worse than a dyed-in-the-wool douche. He won't commit. Which I'm not sure is a point for him or against him.

10:43 pm November, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

What a fuckin' dickface. His face is orange but his arms are whiter than the hott next to him? Oh yeah, the green hair is cool you fuckin' loser. Maybe they should plant you in the nearest landfill and see what sprouts. Bad day all around and then I see this shit.

10:52 pm November, 16 blancasd said...

WHAT an asshole! Badge of Honor: The misdemeanor battery charge after a swift foot to his yam bag.

10:55 pm November, 16 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

I've never seen someone beg to be punched in the face as much as this clown. He's some sort of masochistic scrote freak, thriving on the daily ass beatings given to him by random strangers he meets on the street. I would punch this man myself, but I've already punched my own face in hopes that some omnipotent being will pass that punch onto Larry here.

10:55 pm November, 16 Anonymous said...

These guys almost look like caricatures of Douche. Halloween perhaps?

And I think it's fair to say that, while it gives me a warm fuzzy in the prostate, girl on left's outfit is stage 2 Bleethitude.

10:58 pm November, 16 Wedgie said...

I thought they only wore underwear to nightclubs in Vegas & Miami. Seattle?

11:11 pm November, 16 Anonymous said...

Here are my nominees for the Douchies you faggots –

Smells Like Poo: DuckSack
Orangest Orange: Wheeze the Douche
Crimsonest Crimson: Mr. White, how ironic
Most Expensive First Date Hott: AssFish
Douchiest Hair: Phah, how ironic
Douchiest Facial Expression: Douchial Head
Douchiest Hand Gesture: Baron Van Goloo
Greasiest Racist Greasestain: BilldoushitsWildSwine
Most European Eurobag: Troy Tempissed
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year: DB1 and Elizabeth Banks
Most Annoying 'Baglings: Jacqie Douchtoe and Mr. Scotato Head
The Ricky (aka the “Everybag”):
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Phah, again
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka “For Douchebaguette” the douchiest lady): Medoucha Oblogata
Most Likely to sees Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023: Baron Van Goloo and Ducksack because they are old enough already.
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Phah, ED, Plinky, BCS, Jailgrrl, Douche Vader, Fred from Accounting, etc.

Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads): Me

Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads): Miss Anon

11:18 pm November, 16 Vin Douchal said...

As if ^

11:18 pm November, 16 Vin Douchal said...

Whatev …

11:27 pm November, 16 portlandouche said...

I think Hot Tub Guy would get a nottadouche pass if not for that open-to-his-navel shirt. He looks genuinely happy to be in the presence of the hotts. Hell, maybe he gets a pass anyway… but first we need to know why Jennifer called him "Hot Tub Guy."

11:27 pm November, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

"…you faggots"

Usually I don't like that word, but right now I'm laughing uncontrollably.

That said, the funny names you made up for the regulars failed in any attempt at humor.

11:27 pm November, 16 Anonymous said...

If Jennifer is the gal in blue, the second pic does her justice. Very attractive. Sorry you were exposed to the douche-poo. There's probably an app for that.

Shout if you ever come to Chicago.

11:32 pm November, 16 Vin Douchal said...

Process of elimination pegs Jennifer as the blue dress dollface or the delectable blondie with the naval from heaven as they appear in both photos.

If Blue Dress Dollface :

Classy princess , how I would court you like a Knight in Sir Arthur's court bringing you floral peddles to step on when you awaken, oaken figurines from far away lands and the finest silks from China to place on your golden neck and shoulders…..

If Delectable Blondie with the Naval from Heaven :

Hey babe, what say you and I down some Jaeger and cocaine, have me go down on you for three hours and knock it out until our naughty bits are raw and red from overuse and we can't even breath anymore as the pleasure in our systems is swept away in a hazy three day afterglow passed out in a hotel room in Downey, CA surrounded by spent condoms, King Taco wrappers and empty booze containers ….

11:56 pm November, 16 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

This has got to be Halloween.

12:20 am November, 17 massengill said...

@ Haberdouchery

Anon 3:11 is a regular…but which one?

12:24 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

yummy pale fupa

12:25 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

Re Pic #2: Greg Brady douche

12:29 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

@Massengill 4:20pm

It's me.

12:29 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

No, it was me, dummy.

12:32 am November, 17 Wheezer said...

@Doc, 3:11 p.m. –

Orangest Orange: Wheeze the Douche

You forgot the obligatory "how ironic" at the end of that, for my legs are blindingly white…..as is the rest of me.

My middle name is "Casper."

12:46 am November, 17 Wheezer said...

My guess: Jennifer is the brown-haired hott showing her boobies.

If so, please send more photos of yourself. : )

If not…..please send more photos of yourself. : )

1:44 am November, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Oh crap. The Anonalypse has infected this comment thread as well.

Is there no place on the interwebs that's safe?

1:59 am November, 17 pv1 said...

Jennifer,

Not only those pictures made it onto the blog but they made it onto my bathroom walls, they're my new wallpaper and I got the sexy lady in blue tattoed on my left cheek.

2:00 am November, 17 pv1 said...

Hott in the white dress reminds me of my 3rd grade teacher before she went on a cat killing spree…

2:01 am November, 17 pv1 said...

Damn! I didn't make Anon 3:11PM's list of nominees. Well, there's always next year.

2:28 am November, 17 Troy Tempest said...

Anon 3:11

Obviously you're a regular reader. So rather than blend in with all the other anons, get a stupid blogger account (it will take all of what – 5 minutes of your time?) and join the land of the living.

You can even pick a little picture.

for you? Assuming you continue as an anon, I think THIS picture would be most appropriate.

Troll.

2:45 am November, 17 ImageWrangler said...

Dang… I'm looking for the douches mentioned but all I see is hotts. .

2:45 am November, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

Glad I missed Anon 3:11's cut. Staying under the radar has been a goal of mine.

It's always best for Anons to just stay seated on the toilet and let the hole drain and drain and drain…

2:51 am November, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

To get right to the point, fleshed hottie in black has an unusual flap of stomach fat hangin' over her shorts.

Douchebags have to fight for elbow room sometimes like the rest of us, the hotts are so drawn to them like flies to the rotting corpse. Er, those ARE skulls where his boobs would be, aren't they?

OH, and what may seem like chia pet hair might well be the green vomit of a thousand little head lice.

2:52 am November, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

@ Troy,

AAAAAAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!

2:56 am November, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Alright Mr. Scotato head, looks like we're both up for the Most Annoying 'Bagling award.

I'm gonna be stepping up my usual gauntlet of annoying comments over the next couple weeks to unpresidented levels. You better bring your A-game muthafucka, cuz it's on!!!

3:00 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

Sooooooo…I was on drugs when I decided to go sober, but I was sober when I decided to start using drugs.

So it sounds to me like I make better decisions when I'm high.

What the fuck?

3:57 am November, 17 Flyteeth said...

WHDY DIDN"T ANON NOMINTATE ME FOR SOME FUCNE SHIT?

4:29 am November, 17 Captain Bringdown said...

I'm pretty sure pic #2 is Alex Portnoy doing his best Jon Lovitz. Acting?!? No, Douchebag!

Blue Dress Hott: Call me. I'll tongue-bathe your ovaries.

4:44 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

Ya know, it's been at least ten or twelve years, and I still can't believe it's not butter.

Sooooo…fuck you , Fabio.

5:14 am November, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Jacques Doucheteau^

A bagling? That's like getting ID'd for smokes at 7-ll. Ah well, I'll take it. Bad press is better than no press.

And like you, looks like I've got to step my game up. Think I'll take it in a new direction. How's about some artwork, hmmmm?

@Anon ^3:11

Me

You

5:31 am November, 17 massengill said...

the guy is like a totally douched out version of Heath Ledger's Joker. Why so douchey?

5:58 am November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Excellent diagrams Mr. Scrotato.

I now have a rough understanding of calculus and I plan to use this new found knowledge to build a pyramid in Smoot's honor.

Because I really don't want him to smite me when he ascends the douche throne next month.

5:59 am November, 17 Steve L. said...

back on topic for a minute… blue dress hott has some Tolkien elven delicateness to her, especially in pic #2. i hope that's you, Jennifer.

and the douches… well if "they thought it was necessary to do these outrageous poses for whatever reason," then i guess it's equally necessary to… i dunno, drop a king size bathtub on them from a high altitude. okay we can drop the bathtub on Hot Tub Guy and mow down grass-haired douche with a garden tractor.

6:04 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

The trolling 3:11 anon has a blogger ID. It is someone you know and love…

6:18 am November, 17 Someone you know and love said...

^ If you knew, you'd spill the beans. But you haven't, which means you're making a lame attempt to arouse paranoia and suspicion within the ranks.

Nice try, but no guacamole.

6:19 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

@ fellow Anon 10:04 PM,

I'm a regular HCwDB commenter with a Blogger ID too. Can you guess who I am?

See? It's fun to give people useless information!

7:29 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

I think Anon is Bill Belichick's lost marble.

7:38 am November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

@ Anon 10:04 & 10:19

I masterbate regularly, does that count?

And by regularly, I mean to the point of chafing.

7:40 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

Hey, I too have a Blogger account. And I comment regularly as myself.

Wtf?

Am I the troller at 3:11?

No.

Am I your father?

Yes.

8:50 am November, 17 Mother Anonymous said...

I have no son!

8:52 am November, 17 Anonymous said...

I am the walrus.

10:14 am November, 17 miss leigh said...

let's just hope she's the middle girl and not the stripper on the left or the demonic thing in blue….otherwise this is just pathetic.

12:03 pm November, 17 Steve L. said...

Anon might actually be BostonDouchebag, who gave up his bar and poker gig so he can stay holed up in front of his computer all day just to be able to come up with half-informed rants against the regulars.

1:03 pm November, 17 Torque MuleBrow said...

Re: Jennifer & co.

So that's where the Robert Palmer "Addicted
To Love" girls wound up.

You should contact Activision who Coutney Love (appaerntly in need of smack money) is allowing to animate her husband Kurt Cobain's corpse for a guitar hero game. You could pitch the idea of dancing behind his ghoulish avatar in heavy make up and slinky black short skirts while he croons "Might As Well Face It I'm Addicted To Heroin (And I Married A Rotting Slab of Porch Beef)". If you nail the song then your avatar gets to hook his toe around the trigger loop of the Rifle O' Dignity and end the game and avoid confronting the level boss (a pock-marked blonde Attention-Whorasaurus angrily wandering the carpet on all fours looking for the pills she spilled out of her big ass purse.). Peroxide Yoko.

1:06 pm November, 17 DarkSock said...

Wow

Someone doesn't like Courtney Love.

And by someone I mean everybody.

2:11 pm November, 17 Wheezer said...

Hey, some of you might appreciate this:

http://coedmagazine.com/2009/11/13/sexy-nfl-jersey-girls-68-photos

I'm sort of in and out here at home, taking a day off yet doing some job-related things, but I needed a break from it and happened to run across the above link.

Yeah, there could be "a tad" of bleethiness there, but hell…..boobies and ass pear.

Gotta be better than more pics of Smoot and E-Blow after all, right?

YOU'RE WELCOME

2:39 pm November, 17 eblos last thought said...

Just a former anon stepping into, "the land of the living…"

Jennifer: if you dress for success, what were you guys doing?

2:43 pm November, 17 John Douche Passos said...

How brave of you ladies to go out into the wild like that. To think you actually made physical contact with these cretins, all in an effort to increase public awareness. This takes real courage.

4:01 pm November, 17 IT ME, SHORT ANON said...

YOU ARE ALL POSERS.

4:49 pm November, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

I reiterate – wheezer for baghunter of the year.

4:50 pm November, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Jennifer,

Congrats on tagging such rotten pieces of scrote. It's not often that sports greats like Donny Osmond and Niel Sadaka douche it up in the same club.

And I'm giving all of you a Hott tag. And by hott tag I mean I've printed out your pictures and snuck off to the restroom for my morning break.

Keep infiltrating the clubs, ladies. You're doing the world a favor.

4:51 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

The thing is, based on the look of these girls, you know they are dating, at least, stage 2 douches. "Oh, he would never wear Ed Hardy or have a fauxhawk". But we all know these girls walk the line to the darkside. So angry, I'm going to go choke a monkey and spank a chicken.

4:57 pm November, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Wheezer^

Many thanks for the link. From this moment forward I shall refer to each of your links as a SqWheezer.

And by SqWheezer I mean each one is guaranteed to send me off to perform several intense seconds of masturbation.

5:28 pm November, 17 Douchesquire said...

Wheezer, the link was indeed a beauty, though the body paint gallery below sent me off to drown some kids….

Bravo.

7:09 pm November, 17 Al Gore's Scrotum said...

@ Anon at 3:11PM

Don't you get tired of this, Wheezer? You gave yourself away.

9:47 pm November, 17 Wheezer said...

No way, Al – I'm going to be the anon who posts at 4:20 p.m. tomorrow.

Gotta time it right, though.

10:29 pm November, 17 Anonymous said...

Those hotts are smokin. I gotta get back to Seattle! Most Seattle dudes are emo hipster skinny fucks. Douchebags (in the LA or Vegas sense) are few and far between. The ladies are usually dogs except for the rare gems (aka these ladies who exhibit natural beauty – aka no fake tits or botox).

12:20 am November, 18 Anonymous said...

@ Wheezer 1:47 PM,

Whoa Wheezer did you forget something?

12:44 am November, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Anon^

Yeah, Wheezer forgot to remind you to bother him tomorrow at 4:20.

3:48 am November, 18 Miss Anonymous said...

Ho, hum, it's me Miss Anonymous again, and while I usually never comment on things here unless in a gabby mood. I couldn't help but notice the oddball ANON was saying I was the female commenter of the year here. Miss Anon isn't me, I am Miss Anonymous. And for the record, today someone else co-opted my true and lengthy moniker again and claimed to be me, but I must state here and now it is not me. It was probably the same ANON making the list.
Lists are good for groceries and surgical trays. Perhaps the ANON has a sponge inside of him, for he certainly likes to soak off others' commentary.

7:37 am November, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

You're all porch beef. Get back to work.

5:43 pm November, 18 Al Gore's Scrotum said...

All your global warming are belong to us.

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