Thursday, November 19, 2009

Reader Mail: The Britbag

—-
DB1,

Last weekend, I, an American woman, met this British guy who was perfectly normal and pretty attractive.

He was wearing not-too-tight clothes, there was not a trace of orange on his skin, and the tips of his hair were mercifully unfrosted. He had a cute accent, laughed at my jokes, and was a good kisser. I liked him.

Fast forward to this afternoon, when I noticed that he had friended me on Facebook. I looked at his profile pictures, and was shocked. He was displaying multiple sure-fire signs of scrote — including but not limited to: forehead shine, hair gel, kissy face, and chest-revealing dress shirt. Throw a fake tan and some Armani Exchange on this bloke, and he’s HCWDB material.

Is it possible that a Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon is occurring here — i .e. Dr. Normal and Mr. Douche? Or, more disconcerting, maybe he’s like a Were-douche and his baggery only reveals itself during a full moon?

Your thoughts and guidance on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

— Natalie
—-

There are frequent cases of split personality ‘bags, Natalie, and you must be careful to check for the signs.

Search for hidden canisters of Axe Bodyspray in the bathroom. Rummage for old “Affliction” shirts hidden in the closet. Check his online bookmarks to see if he reads “The Dirty.”

It is not surprising to learn that such split-level choadsity is occurring in London. The alienation caused by living on an island of failed empire can only lead to the fracture of the self. That, and way too many Robbie Williams songs.

# posted by douchebag1
5:21 pm November, 19 El Caganer said...

I dig those gams.

5:22 pm November, 19 El Caganer said...

First!!!

5:28 pm November, 19 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

She looks fun. Like best night of your life, wake up in a different country spooning porch beef fun.

5:35 pm November, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Natalie, what you have here is the same as the yuppie fucks around here that shell out $28,000 for a Harley Davidson (with all the gay leather attachments and studded side bags) only to leave it under a tarp in the garage until the twice-monthly Saturday get-together at Starbucks for cigars and lattes with the other conceited, tribal arm band tatted, Rolexed douchebags.

By day, they could be the seemingly cool dude from HR or the Body Shop Rep or the Warehouse Manager that you see all day long.

But when it comes time for "Fronting The Virus" they are experts ( re: morons/followers).

Like most woman, you probably believe you can change a man so you'll ignore any advice we Denizens of Douche/Bleeth will offer.

So,… Good luck to you on that.

May I recommend that you investigate dating a slighty pasty, balding, thick-around-the-middle, abashed, funny dude with lightening fingers to match his thoughts typed on the intrawebs?

Jes' sayin'

5:36 pm November, 19 scrotum pole said...

It's not fair to judge other cultures.
For example, I wonder if the women in Europe, who don't shave their underarms, belittle those American women who do.
I suppose it would be called "PSR" or Pit Shave Reveal.

5:43 pm November, 19 disco dustin d'bag said...

Chicagoland d-bag Lucky 1 (& Co.)

5:43 pm November, 19 scrotum pole said...

^Damnit, after linking that pic I'll probably be getting a call from Chris Hansen.

5:45 pm November, 19 Chandler Bag said...

His tagline from his MySpace page:

PRESSURE BREAKS PIPES, OR MAKES DIAMONDS!

5:46 pm November, 19 Anonymous said...

@ scrotum, 9:43am:

Oh, well Hansen's in my kitchen right now. I'll let him know to head your way when he's done with me.

-Bagnonymous

5:48 pm November, 19 David Miskovic said...

I'd hit that. In fact…I did.

5:50 pm November, 19 jonezy said...

I hear you Natalie- I'm a sucker for Aussie accents, or really any accent– like the stuttering, I can barely speaka da Engrish Asian accent.

So, you probably got all caught up in that and didn't notice his douchenality

6:00 pm November, 19 pv1 said...

Natalie,

He's not that into you.

6:15 pm November, 19 Deputy Douche said...

The Britbag is an interesting character.

Brits in America are very prone to baggery. They are often torn between their own inflated self-image and aspiration to be American cool. In fact many adopt a "mid Atlantic" accent. I am pretty sure that Gator sees himself as American.

Britbags at home in the UK tend toward the pasty, drug addled dickhead – Pete Doherty being an example.

Jude Law straddles these two archetypes. And as a consequence is a bigger bag than all of them.

6:22 pm November, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Misha Barton in lingerie

6:46 pm November, 19 Anonymous said...

Is that Natilie in the picture looking like a golden yam?

So are we taking letters from Bleeths now DB1?

6:48 pm November, 19 boatbutter said...

Isn't that the Crustacean's girl!?!

Somewhere Crusty is boiling mad in his chitinous exoskeleton.

7:00 pm November, 19 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Let me guess, he was an expert at self depricating humor?

Ah the Britbag, it is a deceptive breed, ripe with fake sensitivity and founded on a basis of assumed cultural insight.

Beware the Britbag, he seeks to lobsterize your porch beef. And that's a bad thing.

7:02 pm November, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Natalie, the git's really a wanker. Hell, he probably even supports Tottenham or Chelsea instead of Arsenal. If you could read his mind it would probably look like this:

"6767667776676766767676767677667676"

What you need to do it stop frequenting the pubs where these choads hang out. It is easy enough. Ask him to meet his mates and see what they are like. I'll bet he's a total dbag when he is with them and would barely talk to you. Vin Douchal has the right idea. Geeks make the best boyfriends/husbands/lovers. We may not be the best looking at the pub, but we know how to treat women and are actually interested in what you have to say.

7:11 pm November, 19 E-blos last thought said...

Natalie:

You're hot. But it's not a classy hot; it's more along the – "2 drinks and the pub bathroom for a quickie" hot.

Please don't confuse who you are with who you want to be. You're a hot skank who will attract DB's. Accept yourself, the STD's that come with this position, and live a much happier life.

7:37 pm November, 19 Wedgie said...

Natalie left out a couple of key items: a) is that her in the pic and b) did she let this knob have his way with her? and c) do American girls say "bloke" now?

Run on sentence, busted.

8:12 pm November, 19 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

@ Vin @ 9:35AM

Man, you just described my wife's boss to a tee.

I met the guy at one of those company outings held at someone's lakehouse. He was fully clothed at the time I was making conversation. A few guys on bikes tool by, going down the farm road past this lakehouse.

I comment, "Typical weekend wannabe warriors with their barbed wire tattoos, Harley's, and iPhones in holsters. Bunch of damned douchebags!"

He turns to me and quietly says, "I have a Harley…" as if to say, "So, am I a douchebag, too?" I noticed that when we went down to the lake later on he didn't swim. I asked my wife, "What's with Dave? Can't he swim?" My wife laughed and said, "He has a tattoo on his arm, and I don't think he wants you ragging on him." Made my day.

I found out later that he and a few of his buddies ride on the weekends.

DOUCHE!

He's sent me a few e-mails asking for career advice. I've been polite, but vague. There are times when I've been tempted to say, "Do your own thing, man!"

8:43 pm November, 19 Filthy McBaggin' said...

They gave us The Beatles, Stones, Kinks, Oasis, etc.

We gave them Fish Slap, Peaches, Donkey Douche, E-Blo, and a whole global plague.

Yes, yes I know, there's Gator. While his taint trumps all Bags in my opinion, Grieco came first. And he was ours….

9:07 pm November, 19 DarkSock said...

"She's knocking me out with those American Thighs", Byron thought, as Lisa swung the pillowsack full of KFC Original Recipe dark meat chicken at his skull again.

9:24 pm November, 19 Anonne Huntress said...

I don't think that that is her, it's probably a pic DB1 put in to accompany the post. Or maybe it's off his Facebook page.

9:32 pm November, 19 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Dr. Normal and Mr. Douche

My head just spun around, but it didn't boom…yeah, it exploded. Ouch. I hate it when that happens.

and was a good kisser

So, how many times did he jump your bones before you realized his scrotiness? think of me as House, MD, asking the tough questions so we can gage your level of exposure to the scrote flu (ED1HAR1).

9:38 pm November, 19 shite magnet said...

This video is the poop!

9:39 pm November, 19 shite magnet said...

This is REALLY the poop. I need to stop drinking in the afternoon…

9:39 pm November, 19 shite magnet said...

This is REALLY the poop. I need to stop drinking in the afternoon…

9:40 pm November, 19 shite magnet said...

I don't know why this is double posting. I REALLY need to stop drinking the afternoonn.

fuck I'm hammered. Maybe this will work.

9:57 pm November, 19 Wedgie said...

But is it really the poop?

10:01 pm November, 19 Captain Bringdown said...

It a classic case of 110% culture. By day, he seeks the classic company of an intelligent woman, and dresses the part. By night, he looks to get hammered and let the inner douche run wild. What happens when the two meet? Chances are, if you showed up unannounced, his colon would spontaneously prolapse.

10:54 pm November, 19 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Natalie,

Here's the deal. First, ignore any ragging Anons give you. Second, I'm saying how he was when he was with you is how he is. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Hang on though. What you saw on his Facebook page is what he wants to be, namely a scroted out douche. Is it Jekyll and Douche? You bet. But Jekyll, for all his sensibilities, was boring and predictable. Who wants a doctor making stacks of cash? Please. Booooooring.

But Hyde, now he's a regular Douche's Douche. He's adventure, a radical, a rebel. Only, there's nothing radical, rebelious, or adventurous about empty bank accounts and forsaken futures. It's all pomp, no circumstance.

The fact that he played Jekyll with you means only that he still needs that side of himself to keep the bank account in the black. and maybe that he hasn't gone full douche.

Don't bet at that last part.

And I'm saying, pic or no pic, you really are hot. I'd go so far as to say I'd hyde my jekyll dong in your chunnel any ole day.

11:53 pm November, 19 Steve L. said...

i can't type a coherent comment on this post now that i'm wondering about how in the eight thousand fucking hells Natalie found out that the Britbag was a good kisser.

so i had my magical sentient sweater type up this post while i'm agonizing in the bathroom. it's take a while, guys. sorry.

11:55 pm November, 19 Steve L. said...

^it's GOING TO take a while, guys.

see? i told you i couldn't type a coherent comment.

12:10 am November, 20 Steve L. said...

y'know i've been thinking, since DB1's show had been criticized for not featuring actually intelligent women, it might not be a bad idea to have girls like Natalie on the show. but then, wouldn't the audience just become 10x more heartbroken to see a principled HC douching it up with a DB? at least most of the hotts on ISRGOWH seem to be complete skanks (or something).

fuck.

(this post brought to you by the magical sentient sweater because Steve L. is actually still agonizing in the bathroom)

12:31 am November, 20 Bob said...

Need to know if that's Natalie in the picture. Regardless, that's the kind of Bleeth you still look at and secretly want to lick the boobie hottie suckle thigh. Not yet full-out Bleethed, but well on the way, yet you can still see the hot woman she once was.

2:01 am November, 20 Douchebag1 said...

Pic is not her, she didn't submit a pic, but the pic I matched up seemed to work.

8:17 am November, 20 Whoop-di-douche said...

Whoever that Hott Chick is, she's got great suckle thigh and cushy calves. Which we want to know more about.

He's got an equally pud sucky-face and a mildly douchey attitude, with the modesty to hide anything suggestive that might reveal more than we want to know. Or see. Oh yeah, and a white belt.

8:26 am November, 20 Whoop-di-douche said...

Speaking as an artist with an eye for composition, I like the triangle area between his legs and the equally interesting triangle of her bent knee juxtaposed over his leg…and the angle of the wall lines, not to mention her bent arm making yet another triangle.

Ah, if only TRIGONOMETRY had been this interesting.

This photo has some Guggenheim possibilities, especially taking into consideration his grays and the wall grays behind her. YEs, it sure does, DB1. Her black and largely white blouse is a great pickup for his white belt, and the highlights on her legs and her white teeth echo in reply to the spotlight on the gray background, "WE SHINE!"

So do the little jeans rips and neck bling. And that precious ankle area on her raised foot, just in case the foot fetishists have need for some "bingo!"

1:19 pm November, 20 ImageWrangler said...

Actually the chick in this pic looks a little like Faux or Background Bottles.

3:31 pm November, 20 Anonymous said...

Dear Natalie:

You met this guy, saw that he was "attractive" and then immediately built up a picture that he was a "great guy" only to have it demolished on the rocks of reality.

So please remember this little ditty:

"It is never wise to impute
Unlikely virtues to the cute."

3:49 am November, 21 Mystery Douchebag Theater said...

This guy epitomizes what dane cook transformed into after hitting it big….minus the douche tags around his neck. Shameful.

4:25 pm November, 23 The DiVulvas said...

When I think about this guy I shit myself, I shit my self!

6:33 pm November, 23 Mr. Biggs said...

I was talking to my english cousin about this strange new phenomonenon where one can just woo women by talking with a british accent. He's scratching his head about the whole thing too.

Leave a Reply

What is 13 + 4 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)