Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Red Tony


Because when Red Tony really gets serious about playing the hilarious “Nipple Button goes ‘Boop!'” game on Lisa at the State Fair, he knows that only one forearm sweatband is for amateurs.

True Playahs wear two.

# posted by douchebag1
9:07 pm November, 18 Wheezer said...

What, a late entry for Crimsonest Crimson?

Too late, Tony the Titmouse.

9:07 pm November, 18 Anonymous said...

red tony is pretty jacked!
i gotta pick some bands

9:07 pm November, 18 Anonymous said...

Someone needed to tell him that douches are supposed to get FAKE tans.

9:13 pm November, 18 Horace Dangleballs said...

I'm praying his crimson glow is really hypertension and his head is about to explode all over Kelly Ripa's younger, thinner, bigger-teethed bleeth sister.

9:15 pm November, 18 jonezy said...

is the forced smile because his pit juice is running down the nape of her back?

I'm hoping melanoma wins the battle vs. Tony

9:16 pm November, 18 Wedgie said...

Tony's brother is on the phone calling an ambulance to assist. Nobody at the fair has any idea what to give a guy with porch meat allergies.

9:20 pm November, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

Armani is a savvy business man. He created third-tier Armani Exchange for all the gay 'bags, and Emporio Armani for the straight 'bags like Tony here.

How Armani's lowest clothing lines are still classier than Audigier's creative genius I'll never know. I think Audigier should make cheaper clothing lines. He could call it Special Ed and instead of Ed Hardy art he could use children's coloring books as his inspiration.

9:21 pm November, 18 Crucial Head said...

Re: The dogtags

It's nice to see the humiliated losers at The Battle of the Bulge returning home to a hero's welcome.

9:22 pm November, 18 Anonymous said...

Wow Tony, those are some serious, red, droopy nipples you've got going there. Nice work.

9:23 pm November, 18 Dr. DB said...

DB1,

I have been pondering the HCWDB problem since high school in the 1980's, as I am sure many have done before me and will do after. It seems to the good doctor that we have misplaced our anger. One of my favorite bits found on this site is when you or one of the many posters will hilariously use the line "I would (insert painful or awkward act) just to (insert unlikely scenario of perceived closeness to hot) of the hot in this photograph". In essence, isn't the douche bag saying to himself, "I would paint my skin orange, wear silly clothes, wear gay sunglasses, and make stupid gang signs (though I haver never been in a gang) just to lick the face of this hot while my buddy Stevo takes a picture of it all for the internet".

I think that our anger should instead be placed on the hot for allowing her cheek to be licked, or her body to fondled by the bag, or for allowing herself to participate in said stupid hand gestures. Or maybe our anger should be placed toward her dad, because he knows..

Just thinking out loud. Although, it is much more fun to mock the bag. Because who would log on to a site titled "Dads of Hot Chicks with Douchebags".

Dr. DB

P.S. If you start a DOHCWDB site, i though of it first

9:30 pm November, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

I'd log on if all the dad's had a sweet Tom Selleck mustache. Although I'd be concerned that the quantities of porch beef on such a site would drop off precipitously.

9:34 pm November, 18 boatbutter said...

Background Dude:

"Hi, Banana Boat? Yeah, I'm gonna need a chopper full of aloe…

No mam, a fuckin' chinook!"

9:34 pm November, 18 massengill said...

Tony the Red could use a few SPFs

9:46 pm November, 18 El Caganer said...

He could probably keep his Blackberry in one arm band and a jelly dong in the other.

9:54 pm November, 18 Anonymous said...

Two armbands may be a sign of the "True Playahs". . . but what do THREE armbands mean?

Take a gander over her right (our left) shoulder, to the object partially blocked by her hair.

That my boys is a THIRD armband.

9:55 pm November, 18 Anonymous said...

@ Dr. DB

For me, going through some sort of physical torture would be easier than acting like a douche. It's just not within me.

Speaking of being tortured, the look on this girl's face…

AV

9:56 pm November, 18 Anonymous said...

Have to admit that I, too, would be inclined to flick at her nipples if given the chance. She looks like a real sweetie–not much bleeth on her at all.

On the other hand, it looks like his brain cells have answered the call of "EXIT HERE" and have flown to freedom from his left earhole.

-Bagnonymous

10:01 pm November, 18 Dr. DB said...

Speaking of the 1980's, I think this is a move I tried when I was 14 Tony. Let give you a hint, she knows you are poking here boobie and she isn't turned on.

10:01 pm November, 18 Christopher Columbag said...

In case you are wondering, Red Tony and The Cure for Constipation are the same guy. Good friend of mine and loves the fact he made it onto the site. Especially two days in a row.

10:18 pm November, 18 Wedgie said...

@Dr. DB 1:23

Well said. But I would like to quote the great Sigmund Freud, who once said: "Sometimes a loaf of bread is just a loaf of bread".

Or in this case, a douchebag.

And I am not angry at them. I am very grateful for their existence, and for their blind obsession with themselves, and posting their activities on the internet. Because without them, I might have to work at my computer all day, instead of fuck off half the time laughing at their (mis)adventures.

God bless them, one and all. But especially Poopie, my favorite Klingon.

10:24 pm November, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

I don't know how I missed the nipple diddling the first time I looked at this shot.

Well played, sir.

10:27 pm November, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Knowing that the fireball from the Daisy Cutter was but a few mili-seconds from turning them all to ash, Red Ted thought "What the f*ck", forced and smile, and got in one last, good, nipple poke.

10:36 pm November, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I think the sign right above his left ear says it all.

10:41 pm November, 18 Troy Tempest said...

The funny thing is, his penis looks like a vegetable steamer.

10:41 pm November, 18 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

No matter how enormous the sun glasses may get, they simply will not hide steroid induced premature balding.

Sorry Tony, just throwing it out there.

Shit, maybe I stepped over a line. He could be losing his hair due to his intense chemo schedule needed to combat his years of tanning.

God, I feel aweful, who am I to mock a cancer victim?

Well, I guess he isn't a victim if he knowingly scorched his skin for decades. Kinda makes him a willing participant in the game of slow and painful deaths.

Darwinism perhaps?

Ps. Baldness!

10:42 pm November, 18 ImageWrangler said...

Pointy droopy nips are a sure sign of 'roid use, and probably some hemorrhoid use.

10:46 pm November, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Ted is giving her boobie a poke in hopes that

a) more yak jizz will be dispensed into his cup.

b) tickets will come out so he can redeem them for a life.

c) a third arm band.

d) a free coupon for the Hair Club for men.

You decide. Vote early and often.

10:47 pm November, 18 RAPETIME said...

"In case you are wondering, Red Tony and The Cure for Constipation are the same guy."

I'll buy that. They're both red, like a boiled lobster.

Tell your buddy to either stay out of the sun or get his ass on some high blood pressure medication. Human skin is not meant to be that color.

10:48 pm November, 18 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

E) A porch beef encrusted jelly dong will insert itself into his swollen rectum.

10:52 pm November, 18 Wheezer said...

Panel?

The Cure for Constipation

Red Tony

They could definitely pass for brothers, I guess, but the same guy? Same 'do, for sure. With a lack of tatts or other markers, I can't prove it.

10:59 pm November, 18 Walrus Whisker said...

Marsha feigned a smile as she prayed to Lämp that no one would notice the inner and outer rings of her diaphragm still lodged on her boyfriend’s forearm.

11:03 pm November, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Red Tony and the Cure for Constipation have the same dog tag with the dark horizontal stripe/cut. I'm going out on a sturdy limb and supporting that these two are indeed the same piece of poop.

11:06 pm November, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Scrotato

I concur good sir. BTW I left you another ditty in the Smoot post. Check it out.

11:24 pm November, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Dr. DB^

Nice. Now that you say it, he does sort of stand like a rooster, doesn't he? Head swayed forward, cocked to one side, so he can get that one good eye on you.

Hmmmmmm.

11:34 pm November, 18 Foghorn Leghorn said...

Fucker is wheezing my act.

11:38 pm November, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Dr. DB^

The snap of Smoot is definitely post-Crystal. His tatts have progressed down below the wristband and now include a giggle inducing peace sign on the back of his hand.

I must admit that I now find myself questioning the lock I had for Smoot taking the cup.

For you see, the Hott in each gag-inducing pairing is of critical importance to me. Which is, obviously, why I would never vote for Poopaloompa. Douchebag of the year has to have a meth-mate I can fwap to repeatedly. No multi-fwap, no vote (not even an Anon-nod).

I found Crystal to be a tasty treat. Sure, she was further down the bleeth trail than my beloved Francine, but she had that twinkle in her eyes that said "Come on, I'll let you feel them. Honest, I will, don't be shy." And that made me feel good deep down in my taters.

This new penis pump is 100% porch beef and does absolutely nothing for me. Maybe if she'd lay off the powered donettes and get a descent cut I might become one of her backers, and by backers I mean I would imagine myself taking her roughly and repeatedly from behind. But until then, meh.

So, do I vote for the Smoot-Crystal pairing that was, or the Smoot-Poot pairing that is?

11:55 pm November, 18 Crucial Head said...

There once was a sunburnt mu’fucker
Sporting goggles like a true cock sucker
When his hott leaves for me
To the men will he flee
‘Cuz ‘round men his ass, it doth Pucker.

11:59 pm November, 18 Crucial Head said...

This skin-cancer ridden red bloke
Goes in for the ol’ titty poke
Which makes bleeth cry
And ask: “Lord why?
Won’t this douchebag die from a stroke?

12:00 am November, 19 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr S Head

Indeedy. The much ballyhooed win by The Metaphysical Hooligan last year is proof that the hott should sway the vote.

Droopy had Surfer Kelly but The Hooligan had the scattershot down-point and the really shitty head carvings and 'danas.

And lots of Carly.

Sweet sweet Carly.

12:01 am November, 19 Crucial Head said...

Sporting a pair of faux dog-tags
Next to your shriveled titty-sag
Is worthy of mock
And a slap of a cockk
For this hott you shan’t ever shag.

*difficult as it was, I proudly refrained from using the word "fag"*

12:03 am November, 19 Crucial Head said...

Some say that our limericks are for queens
Or faggoaths, or those who prefer the schweens
But rhyming with wit
Whilst ogling a tit
Overcomes my prescription for Thorazine.

12:05 am November, 19 pv1 said...

His boobs are bigger than hers.

12:15 am November, 19 massengill said...

I just ate 50% of a recommended serving of pistachios and I am 100% satisfied!!!

12:19 am November, 19 scrotum pole said...

Sideshow Red takes a short break from his job at the Illinois State Fair.

12:31 am November, 19 Dicy said...

I gaze at this pic and I think whattadouche for being inapropriate then I stop and realise that this looks like this scene may closely resemble some sort of fair… so the question is: why is he shirtless and why is she letting him make this gesture at what could very likely be a family event while she probly has her two kids (who she birthed in high school) off camera. What happened to this generation!? I blame MTV.

12:34 am November, 19 scrotum pole said...

@ Dr DB 11:23

Interesting observation.

I did however, find this picture on Dads of Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

12:49 am November, 19 Vin Douchal said...

After looking at Red Tony I realized that the nasty microwave oven in my office has never been cleaned since I bought it. In 1993.

I also realized that I've got it bad for Rachel Bilson.

Rachel in glasses

1:31 am November, 19 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Today,

monkey poo is spelled…

T
O
N
E
Y

1:57 am November, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

A penny for your thoughts, a copper for your tits.

2:35 am November, 19 Steve L. said...

i don't want to know what it takes to re-inflate punctured moobs.

3:03 am November, 19 Medusa Oblongata said...

Damn, man. For the last ten minutes I've been sitting here thinking of what to type, and I'm getting nothing but the urge for a glass of milk. Mmmm, milk. WTF, milk? Milk?!

And then it hits me.

Big, soft, droopy man-udder.

*gag*

The only thing that can save me now is to bite off that nipple-poke finger. That move is right up there with the porn classic "spit on her pussy and then slap it like Benny Hill slaps that old man's bald head". Who DOES that?!?!?!

3:29 am November, 19 Anonymous said...

wow,

This is one of the ugliest mother fuckers I have seen in my entire life.

What kind of loser would cause himself to look like this. This dude must have absolutely nothing going on inside his fat,red, pimply receding hair-lined head

3:32 am November, 19 Anonymous said...

There's more red on this guy than the skunk I ran over on my way to work.

Tony, buy yourself a bra my brother

4:27 am November, 19 DarkSock said...

I cannot hate on a man poking a delightful nipple and getting away with it.

Sorry, team.

4:49 am November, 19 Anonymous said...

This site is absolutely ridiculous and pathetic! who has the time to spend commenting and saying crap about people they don't even know? Get a life!

5:22 am November, 19 pv1 said...

I have a life.. on Second Life that is.

5:24 am November, 19 pv1 said...

Still counts, right?

5:39 am November, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

"Hey babe, you got something on your nipple there. Lemme pick it off."

(scrape, scrape)

"Oh wait, my bad. That's just my finger!"

9:46 am November, 19 Anonne Huntress said...

Crimsonest Crimson of the year. This truly is "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

10:38 am November, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

His nipples are pointing at what might have been a penis once.

She is sultry and quite edible. So much so, that I'm typing with my left hand.

I think I might need both pretty soon.

2:49 pm November, 19 Anonymous said...

The awkward, 'please help I am being fondled by a pink uber choad' smile of ticket collecting Tracy went unoticed by Lobster Lou.

Lost in his claw pinching fondle of county fair hot, Lobster Lou was unaware of Chef Boyardee's devious plan to make him the main ingrediant in the up coming all you can eat lobster fest.

Regards,
Douche Pitt

2:54 pm November, 19 YodaDouche said...

Jizzed… in my Jedi robe I did.

3:37 pm November, 19 doucheywallnuts said...

Nice bitch tits! They have surgery for that now…

5:15 pm November, 19 Filthy McBaggin' said...

Oh Tony, you start out by dabbling with arm-bands, "just on the weekends", and it goes quickly to welding shield shades and dog tags. You my friend are on the A Train to Bagville.

The lack of any permanent markings however means there is hope for this tool. He lacks Bag Aura and genuinely seems happy to be there.

Oh wait, just as I was writing this I noticed the exposed AX underwear. Add to it the fact that he's shirtless in a setting where I'll bet he's the only one that is.

He'll be tatted up like Xenu in a year.

9:07 pm November, 19 Anonymous said...

red tony the gyno tit mouse is definitely overcompensating for something. he looks like an overcooked lobster.

10:49 pm November, 19 The Translator for Field Marshal Molensk said...

Look kids, "Isn't that Vladamir Putin?"

11:01 pm November, 19 Anonymous said...

i have to admit, while he is a gigantic meat head, he's one of the nicest meat heads around.

11:36 pm November, 22 Anonymous said...

I guess the pickled beets look is all the rage.

12:42 pm November, 23 Anonymous said...

The second one is a headband.

4:22 pm November, 23 Oh, a Bullshit Artist! said...

I know this guy and he's really cool, so we shouldn't rag on him. Besides, he'd kick all of your asses!!!!!

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