The 2009 Douchies: Let the Nominating Begin
The 2009 Douchies are coming. They begin December 7th.
Our two week orgy of excess, heavy drinking, ‘bag mocking and assorted hottie lusting where we go through and process what we’ve learned this year. Where we vote for the best/worst of iconic couplings from our hyper-stimulated over caffeinated media culture, our changing understandings of body, gender, alienation in the age of modernity and really sexy boob reveal.
Get ready. For it’s goin’ down.
But before we give out the awards, I need your help. As a regular reader, a comments thread veteran, or even a casual visitor to the site, here’s where you need to tell me which pics stayed with you. Which hottie/douchey cohabits offer themselves as exemplars of merit. And by merit, I mean poo stain.
Here’s the categories for nominations this year:
Hottest Hott
Best Golden Globes
Smells Like Poo
Orangest Orange
Crimsonest Crimson
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hair
Douchiest Facial Expression
Douchiest Hand Gesture
Greasiest Greasestain
Most European Eurobag
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
Most Annoying ‘Bagling
The Ricky (aka the “Everybag”)
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka “The Douchebaguette” for the douchiest lady)
Most Innovative ‘Bag Maneuver of 2009
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Best ‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Best ‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)
Suggest which pics should be nominated in some or all of these categories, or just suggest which pics from the past year deserve recognition. Some categories will be open to voting. Others I’ll just give out, since I’m usually drunk and can’t add up that many votes.
Feel free to come back to this post if you need more time and enter your nominees/suggestions. But help me out. I can’t do this without you. I need you. Anita! Don’t go. The plants’ll die!
Get your ass ready for the 2009 Douchies are almost upon us. Strap in and strap on, cuz it’s gonna be a bumpy moob.
Most Expensive First Date Hott: I nominate Kathy of "Bucky Got Mad Game" fame
I can't believe I got beat in mentioning Bucky. I nominate him for every award a guy can win.
It is on!
Can we get a boobie review post?
Welding gloves seem to be the most unique douche accessory.
hottest hot = A. La Plante
= Veronica
= Bagpoleon's woman
Prayer said on the Day of Douchetonement:
If Bucky just had the hat tilt, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the welding gloves, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the Grey Goose, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the label on the hat, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the diamondoid ear bling, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the wrist tattoo, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the Hammer pants, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the chin pubes, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had the Appalachian in-bred heritage, that would have been enough.
If Bucky just had Kathy, that would have been enough.
For all these, oh DB1, Bucky FTW!
I nominate Lamp for best bag hunter.
Poopaloompa for best orange.
Old Bag for best multiple hotts if that is an award.
Bucky and Kathy over Smoot ftw. That Kathy just makes my appendages tingle.
ooh, ooh, and that slut in yesterdays asspear for hottest hott.
I nominate Spanky's little skank for skankiest little skank.
Is there an award for most times typing first! In the comment threads? I would like to win that one. Maybe next year.
Golden globes is the toughest for me they all look so so good.
I almost forgot.
DB1 for best web site. Thanks for the countless laughs.
Orangest Orange nominee Poopaloompa
Best 'Bag Huntress… MEDUSA
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneouver of 2009: Bucky Got Mad Game's superior gravity-defying hat tilts
yeah, best baghuntress = medusa
best baghunter = dark sock
This type of douche bag has to be included
http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=6103
Porch meat (all forms) for best snack/entree.
How about them strap-ons? Eh?
Ed Hardy for best vodka.
Is Cheeto man eligible this year for Orangest? If not, I have to go with Poopie.
Also, I like Poopie's #2 photo for girl next door.
Best Huntress: Medusa, not even close.
Have to think about the rest. And by think, I mean tequila.
Douchiest Couple: Those fuccen Gosselin people, Jon & Kate. A no brainer as far as I can tell.
Will there be any lifetime achievement award given out this year, DB1?
~JUSTIN
As if to prove my point, MSNBC is running an article titled: "Jon Gosselin accuses TLC of ruining life and career, sues for $5 million".
Don't you have to have a career before you can sue someone for ruining it?
Douchiest facial expression: Mack (the tongue shot).
Need a best newcomer category for the bag hunters/huntresses. Let's face it Mr White, Vin, Darksock, Crucial, Medusa are going to own that category most years – but honourable mentions ought to go out to Sergeant Scrote Stain, Dr Bunsen Honeydew, Lameah, Mr Scrotato Head and a few others I am too drunk to think of right now. With apologies to Lameah, SSS, MSH and DBH if they have been around forever and it is only lately my spirit fogged brain has caught up.
I wish I could think of a good way to get a 'best comment' category in there as well but there have been so many and they come in so many forms. But the one that has stayed with me all year has been Darksock's "Greased Poodle Gun" comment back in January.
Francine for typhoid mary award.
Man, this will be tough…and by tough I mean afterward I'll have to bathe in a tub full of dolphin excrement, acid, and chinchilla poo.
@Justin, 11:33 a.m. –
Maybe the Donk can be awarded a Lifetime Achievement Douchie for his repeat contributions to the threads (i.e. calling us "losers," "haters," and every other standard bad cliché other 'bag defenders use).
Gotta agree with Wedgie as well – if by "celebrity" we mean "overexposed reality show nitwit(s)," the Jon & Kate are shoo-ins.
then*
Orangest orange: Cheeto Man
Hottest Hott (with possible Hott next door nod): Orange Jeter's Cynthia
Crimsonest Crimson: obv. Crimson Ted
Douchiest facial expression: Tongue thrust (e.g. Rusty the Frill-Necked Lizard, Mack the Nozzle)
Most European Eurobag: um, Eurobag
Douchiest Hair: SwifferHead
Douchiest Celebrity Couple: Russell Brand/Katy Perry
Pooiest Poo: Poo
Golden Globes: Anchor Chin's Raquel
Don't forget about "nobodys". He likes that one.
This took all day, but I am hungover and not really working anway…
Hottest Hott – Cynthia
The Crimson Goose Holy White Triangle Hott
Wings McPoint’s Elle
Laura Mars Hott, Smoot’s Chrystal
Claudina Ass Pear
HCwDB After Dark Hott 8/17
Francine
Abby Licious
Charleez,
Paulina Hott from Tony the Mack and Paulina
Josephine
Grinny Guy’s Sultry Hott
Best Golden Globes – Raquel
Waxy McBrow hott
Ancillary 'Bag Infection right side hott
The Temple Mount
P. Doody Hott
Matt Stafford Pop Quiz Hott
Incurring the Wrath of an Angry God Hott
Where's Waldouche?: Vegas Apocalypse Edition Hott
Fingerbag’s Hott
Keith Barely Tries Hotts
Captain Boobvious Hott
Smells Like Poo – Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Mandana
A Clockwork Orange
Poo
Orangest Orange- Orange Power
The Turnips
A Clockwork Orange
Orange Psycho
Cheeto Man
Orangina
Crimsonest Crimson- Crimson Ted
Poompaloompa
Poo
Orange you glad
Orange Poolius
Poolan Rouge
Most Expensive First Date Hott- Where’s Waldouche 2/27
'Bag Bats Maru Hott
Loop de Poop Hott
Sarah Hottowitz
Douchiest Hair- There’s Something about Harry
The swirlwind
flame broiled
Rusty the Frill-Necked lizard
22/7
Hawk The Hairy Angels Sing
Ass Pear with Douchebag II
Swiffer Head
Douchiest Facial Expression – The Punch-face
Brazilian Honey and Nuclear Head
Purple Lips and Carmen
Kissyface Slims and Lola
Doucheclowns in the 'Lot’s Capri Douche
Luigi the Scroteface
Milky McMuscle
Umbiko's Vision
Hoverbag #692: "Happy Guy Lick", Gunny
Simon's Ibiza 'Bag Tag
Douchiest Hand Gesture- Chum
Robbie Brings the Class
Sarah's Terd Tag
The Ghoulbag
Greasiest Greasestain-The oily Bohunk
Poocrime
Shiny Head Sheldon and Sienna
The Nothing Up My Sleeve 'Bag
White Boy Frank from Tennessee
Wednesday Limerick 1/14
Schmuck L'Orange
Nordic Viking Says "Ja!"
Flexy McFlab
Most European Eurobag – Halloween or Europe?
Greasy Eurobag Saturday
Lets All Laugh at Klaus
The Eurobag
Eric Bana in "Munich 2: Tel Aviv Douchin'"
Gunter Von Crotchian
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year Katy Perry/ Russell Brand
Most Annoying 'Bagling- Baglings at Party
Rusty’s Aftrer-Prom House Party
Kegger Dogs
Little Timmy Thanks God
Grinny Guy
The Ricky (aka the "Everybag")- Toronto Poo Jay
The Hickbag
Jeb
The Backwoods 'Bag
Pedro Hearts Twins
Greatest Crisis of Modernity – The Enchantment Under the Sea Dance: 2009
The Albino Pimp
Douchie Pop
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott – The Doobie Brother Hott
Kelly's Tard
The Scrotasaurus Middle Hott
God Bless America Yellow Bikini Hott
Cheryl Hott from Hairy Belafonte and Cheryl
Cease and Defist Hott
Orangina’s Tongue Hott
Studs Urkel Hott
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady) –
Memorial Day Hott
What About Bleeth-to-'Bag? Hotts
Decipher That Hand Gesture 5/19
Levitiscrote 3:12
White Boy hott
E-Blo Voted Hott
Bob and Maggie and Ted and Alice
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009- Groin Shave- Bagpolean
The Nuclear Proton Sunglasses
Swoopy's Scarf
Babybags
Douchey Weddings
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art
Museum in 2023 – No More "Luigi's Triple Pop"
Guidoverload
The Lonely Purple Balloon
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection – Beefy Cow and the Perky Mellons
Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads) Wheezer
Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads) Medusa
Of course someone already nominated DorkSauce. What no phah?
I nominate phah.
When I really get down in the shit, it's between Smoot and Crosshair McJohnson. People are really understimating the Crosshair. This shit is going to be a battle.
And by battle, I mean turd royal.
Honestly, I think Crosshair deserves it.
And that terrifies me.
Porch meat with dorksauce for best recipe.
Never underestimate the stench of smoot. The smell of poo is strong in that one.
Redd Norton from October is pretty damn crimson also, he could give Ted a run for his money.
Yeah, and Donkey Douche for a lifetime achievement award. He has earned it.
I think Smoot might have an advantage because of the # of pics. Crosshair sucks, but we cannot see an appropriate range of suck.
Claudina should also receive an award for her superb posterior.
Let us not forget Crimson Ted. He will point at you mofos. HE WILL POINT AND SCOWL!
E-blo is worth considering. He could give Bucky and Smoot a fight.
Poopaloompa for scariest mofo.
Cheez for the Ricky.
Ok, not good. No "Sexiest Librarian Glasses" this year DB1???
Blackberry Bob and Hott for best couple.
Best Golden Globes:
The Eiffel Towers
Smoot for the yearly. I hate you Smoot. Time has not quelled my rage. You are poo of the highest order.
I'd like to add Biggest Verbal Douchocity for the best response made in the comments section by a douche who saw their picture posted here – my nominee is Bagpoleon by a shaved groin hair over Donkey Douche.
The rest:
Hottest Hott – Sienna
Best Golden Globes – TIE:Raquel in the Anchor Chin pic/Rachelle in Waxy McBrow Pic
Smells Like Poo – E-Blo
Orangest Orange – Poompaloompa
Crimsonest Crimson – Crimson Ted
Most Expensive First Date Hott – Sienna
Douchiest Hair – Rusty the Frill Neck Lizard
Douchiest Facial Expression – Ghoulbag
Douchiest Hand Gesture – Party Fluffkin
Greasiest Greasestain – Shiny Head Sheldon
Most European Eurobag – Eurobag (I guess)
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year – Speidi
Most Annoying 'Bagling – Suburban Pimp
The Ricky (aka the "Everybag") – Party Pud
Greatest Crisis of Modernity – Morris
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott – Orange Jeter’s Cynthia
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady) Salt Lick’s chick
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009 – Groin Shave (with an honorable mention for Mouth to Abs)
Best 'Bag Hunter and Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads) – That is like asking “Which of your children do you love the most.” Props to all who contribute.
Hunter
I am drunk.
The end.
Hipster bag is worthy.
Here goes…
Hottest Hott: Charleez
Best Golden Globes: Charleez
Smells Like Poo: Orangina (He even looks like a sphincter for God's sake)
Orangest Orange: The Sterilizer (f'ing plucked eyebrows?!)
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted?
Most Expensive First Date: Charleez (because I would give her everything I have, or will ever own in the first 15 seconds of meeting her face to face)
Douchiest Hair: Fro Mo
Douchiest Facial Expression: The hotty neck lick (disgusting)
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The crotch grab
Greasiest Grease Stain: The Cheez (he dares to grease all over my sweet Charleez!!!)
Most European Eurobag: Uhm, The… Euro… bag…?
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple: Pete Wentz & Ashley Simpson (Fallout Douche)
Most Annoying 'Bagling: Little Timmy
The Ricky: Shiney Head Sheldon (because he just looks like a private contractor who drives a Ford F-150)
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: $180 Ed Hardy "Punks Not Dead" hoodies (which is proof that punk IS dead)
Hottest Girl Next Door: Charleez (I wish she lived next door! Instead, my neighbor is a stupid hippie)
Bleethiest Bleeth: Francine (though not bleethy on the surface, true bleethism is not always indicated by the display of one's wears, but by the company they keep. Case in point, Francine hangs with Mack the Nozzle among other scrote stains. Anyone who dares nominate Charleez as a bleeth, I will personally rip their spine out)
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver: Getting on a VH1 reality show (okay, it's not very innovative, but it's pretty skeezy)
Guggenheim Museum: Hucky Sheen, for he is art with chicken legs.
Proof of Natural Selection: No such thing. Douchebags and Bleeths are all products of artificial selection.
Best Bag Hunter: Anonymous
Best Bag Hunter: Miss Anonymous
And as a reminder, the douchiest video of the year is still Scooter. They took the award before it was ever conceived.
Lumpy's Steph and Barrowbag's Alana for hottest hott.
Steph could also be in the running for hottest girl next door hott.
Well, lessee here, off the top of my head:
Hottest Hott: Alana, I don't know if she was posted this year but there was a grey dress librarian Hott that made my draws tent up, Loop de Poop girl.
Best Golden Globes: Charleez
Smells Like Poo: Almost every picture ever posted on this site.
Orangest Orange: Poopaloompa
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Josephine, Francine.
Bleethiest Bleeth: Also Josephine; Francine.
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted, Orangina
Most Innovative 'Bag Manuever: This is an oxymoron. Douchebags don't innovate for shit.
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim: That inflatable bicep twatwaffle oldbag in this week's Friday Haiku.
I'll have to take some time and think of more.
I think Crosshairs McJohnson is gonna sneak into the finals to face Smoot. Perhaps Bucky. Either way, Smoot is gonna take the title in a walk.
And like we were reminded in the last Weekly, this *is* about Hott Chicks. Bucky's Kathy is all that.
Bucky's total dominance is like Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain all rolled into one. One huge turd.
Smoot beats Bucky in a close vote. Francine or Charleez is worst bleeth.
Cheetoo man is orangest orange.
Gsr is worst douche innovation. Poopaloompa for something.
Jacques Doucheteau for best bag hunter.
Medusa for best huntress.
Something like this requires the time I took to go through all the posts.
Claudina with Smucklhead Hottest Hott
July Sexy Sadie Best Golden Globes
Mar Poo Smells Like Poo
July Cheetos Man/ Poompaloompa Orangest Orange
FEB A Clockwork Orange/Crimson Ted Crimsonest Crimson
Francine/Charleez Most Expensive First Date Hott
Jan Wheatstalks Douchiest Hair
Jan Sharpie wringworm Douchiest Facial Expression
Jan The Gun Swinger Douchiest Hand Gesture
Greazy-E Greasiest Greasestain
Jan Nordic Viking Most European Eurobag
Mar LinsayLohan & the Rug Munch Douche Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
Oct Slurpylips (WTF Really) Most Annoying 'Bagling
FEB Rusty the Frill-Necked Lizard The Ricky (aka the "Everybag")
Mar Jon Bon Jerzy Greatest Crisis of Modernity
FEB Cynthia with Orange Odyssey/ Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Aug Caleb and Courtney's Ass Pear Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Oct Minnie Von Shtup (Looks real bitch) Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady)
Sep Douching Private Ryan (backpack)/ Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009
Crabs McGee (backpack)
The Leatherbag Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim
FEB The GhoulbagThe Trollbag Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Mar Sarah's Terds Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)
Sham Wow Guy Celeb Douche if there is a catagory
Chug Life/Mack the Nozzle/ Douchiest Tat
Rated "P" for Poo Douchiest Tat
Chuggo/Rated "P" for Poo Douchiest Video
Smoot and Crystal Douchiest Couple
Sep 23rd Where's Waldouche ass pear Best Ass Pear
Sorry added a few categories of my own.
Crimson Ted=Crimsonest Crimson. Done. He wins, he ruined my life.
Guyliner needs to be nominated for worst douche trend.
FLYTEHEETH FOR MOST FUCEN TARMAL!
Scroteophobic's idea is awesome: DB1 please consider a "best new baghunter/huntress" category.
I'd also suggest me and the Baron sit out this year, because of last year.
Greased Poodle Gun? Whuh?
The "orange" category this year is going to be incredible. You might say, it's like, how much more orange could this be, and the answer is, none.
Most European Eurobag — it seems rather like the fix is in when you had a winner this year called "Eurobag".
I'm nominating Hourglass from last year for something. I don't even care what, Best Hott from Last Year Who Didn't Get the Appropriate Recognition, Highest Likelihood of Future Skin Cancer * Level of Arousal perhaps. I still haven't forgotten . . . I will never forget. (And by the way, I actually by some miracle came across another pic of Hourglass somewhere but could never find it again. Any of you search ninjas up to that task?)
Finally, I would like to object to the descriptor "Innovative" in the category mistitled "Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009". To attribute any sort of intelligence and creativity to something as vomit-inducing as the groin shave reveal (which I would nominate for my renamed version — Most Annoying New Bag Maneuver of 2009) is just wrong. What would the positive result of the "innovation" be, exactly? Inspiring me to a new and higher level of "desire to smash in face with tire iron"? I guess I don't get it.
Best Boobies: Raquel from "Anchor Chin and Raquel"
Creepiest Oldbag: Uhhh, the Leatherbag!
Douchiest Tattoo: P. Doody/Rated P for Poo/Player for Life
Best Fake Lesbian Encounter: Schmuckhead's Ass Pear Trio
The Ricky "Everybag": Tiki Douche, Teh Cheez
Douchiest Hand Gesture: Grabbin the Hott while flippin off the camera with both hands (a better writer can come up with a name for this)
Greasiest Greastain: Schmuckhead, the Crimson Goose
Proof of Natural Selection: fuckin Gunny
Guggenheim Museum Exhibit 2023: The Krackenbag, for trying to pose like some goddamn Greek statue, Poopaloompa the Postmodern Futuredouche
Orangiest Orange: Guido Buttchinsky- He may not be in the Closet, but don't forget he stained a whole train station orange.
Smells Like Poo: Porch beef?
Donkey for lifetime achievement.
If we get to a lifetime achievement category, must say I miss 'ol Samurai Scrote!
Bag Huntress: Medusa, in a one-horse race
Bag Hunter: Wheezer, for his savant-like memory of past 'bags and baguettes.
Bleethiest Bleeth: Hair Templeton's Baguette
Hottest Hott: I know she's recent, but I gotta say Charleez.
Orangest Orange: Please. Poopaloompa
Douchiest hand gesture: (tie) the shocker, closely followed by the twatlick
Best Golden Globes: This girl. And God help her, even she's doing the shocker.
Oh, and douchiest celeb couple without a doubt is those Gosselin 'bags. I'm reluctant to call them celebs, but such is the world in which we live.
@Darksock
I was sure it was you…
This was the one… But it was the Baron. Whoops. He said "But it was not until Gunter proceeded to fire three performing poodles from his rectum with a startling and surprisingly echoey report that the talent scout from Cirque du Soleil was duly impressed." Your comment from that one was another I liked though "Caption: "Biff struggled desperately against the mighty gravitational pull of Shelley's hungry toothy man-eating uterus…" Basically I got who said what mixed up. Because it was back in January is going to be my excuse. I know it is not enough, I shall go to the playroom and self-flagellate with a dolphin cockkk until I am sorry.
@Bourbon Bill
You dared to name my dearest Charleez a bleeth, but then quelled my immediate urge to melt your face with a soldering iron by nominating me as a master 'bag hunter. Curses!
I propose a new category: Worst rage evoking 'bag sandwich. Here's my nominations.
this, this, this, this double quarter pounder, this (wretch!), this, this, these frat 'bags, this triple atrocity, these broom heads, this sloppy overflowing meatwich, this, this, this uncalled for grabbing, this, this unfortunate orange porsche groping, and finally this swampy loose meat sandwich with extra bacon.
Also, I rescind my nomination for Crimson Ted as the Crimsonest Crimson. That was a lazy attempt on my part. Mammy Miami has this award wrapped up.
Whew!
lots of suckable boobies this year, but my eyes had been fixated on the Eiffel Towers and Captain Boobvious. if either one of them are run, that would get my vote in a heartbeat. if BOTH of them are run then i gotta decide.
as i've said before, realistically speaking, no hott this year would come close to Loop de Poop in the most expensive first date hott category, because if you're REALLY gonna take out a hott from HCwDB's class of '09 on a date, then what on earth can be more expensive than a first date with a Maxim magazine model?
but if we value intellectual creativity and so on, then i nominate Charleez.
wait. i have no idea what this nomination has to do with intellectual creativity.
bah. i nominate Charleez for most expensive first date hott regardless.
ugh. more later.
well, now that i think of it, i should say that i nominate both Loop and Charleez for most expensive first date hott.
I'm paralyzed with the paradox of choice. This is too much shit to vote on DB1!
Orangest: Poopa
Huunter: Darksock
Huntress: Medusa
I trust you have a dry-erase board flowchart at home where you've been tracking the contenders for all other categories. I trust your judgment.
@Jacques Doucheteau
I nominated you for putting all those links in your comment threads. I find that helpful. My brain seems to block these douches from my long term memory. I also think Wheezer and his elephant like memory deserves a shot.
Oh yeah, Charleez gets a pass from me for her bountiful boobies. She just needs to stay away from the Cheez.
Actually a nomination for most innovative bag manoeuvre of the year suddenly leapt into my head. How about the Inverse Death Tongue. They clearly know that we are irritated and repulsed by them licking hotts and decided to up the ante by getting poor innocent Sabrina so utterly wasted she actually licked the 'bag back. By simply inverting the move they made it so much more offensive and then posted photographic evidence on the web so that she would be lost to the bag-world evermore. Now anyone thinking of kissing her would have to deal with the knowledge that once her tongue smelt of Axe and Goose sweat.
Douchiest Hair: Hello Kitty Gangsta 'Bag
If you have a soul, if you have a heart, if you have a brain and if you have the inverse of a vajayjay, you will award Hottest Hott to Racquel from Anchor Chin and Racquel.
Cate"gory": Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady)
Orangina's lightning-attacting spiky-haired scary nottahott.
Cate"gory": Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023
Sad (Scared) Party Karaoke Robot
Hottest Hott – The Bagpolean Complex and Josephine
Best Golden Globes – God Bless America
Smells Like Poo – Chug Life 4 Eva
Orangest Orange – Mammy Miami
Crimsonest Crimson – Shmuckhead and Claudina Ass Pear
Most Expensive First Date Hott – Bucky Got Made Game
Douchiest Hair – Hairy Belafonte and Cheryl
Douchiest Facial Expression – Kettlehead
Douchiest Hand Gesture – The Hypothetical Gun
Greasiest Greasestain – The Trollbag
Most European Eurobag – The Eurobag and Monique
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year – Jon and Kate Gosslen
Most Annoying 'Bagling – Stage-1 'Bagling? Or Stage-2?
The Ricky – Gunny
Greatest Crisis of Modernity – The Topographic Arm
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott – Blender Boy
Bleethiest Bleeth – Pukey McJerz
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009 – The Appendix Lick
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023 – Poo
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection – Smoot and Crystal
Also
Grad School Melissa and Whiffy the Clown – Tag of the Year.
Forgot – Crimson Ted playing the Baywatch bleeth trombone. Another contender for the most innovative douche move of the year. It is rare to see such dedication to his craft in a public place.
The 2009 Douchies are coming. They begin December 7th.
Franklin Doucheno Roosevelt had it right: December 7th, a day which will live in infamy.
Best 'Bag Huntress: I stick with my original nod to Medusa, for her unusually clever commentary, which is usually a mixture of Shakespeare, Kafka, Lenny Bruce, and Penthouse Forum…but must give Hon. Mention to Ashfish…though she seems to be AWOL of late. 😐
@IRA Darth Aggie: Actually the quote, often misquoted, is "…a DATE which will live…"
But I could not agree more with the sentiment.
after some brief yearly review while watching sunday football the Creatch weighs in with his '09 Douchie recommendations:
Hottest Hott, "Hott Chicks with Buckbags" hott. mostly because I've always wanted to nail a gal whilst screaming, "do me Sarge!"
Best Golden Globes, WheatStalk's Snow Capped Mountains
Smells Like Poo, Rusty the Frill Necked Lizard
Douchiest Hair, tie between Skidmark & BlenderBoy
Most Expensive First Date, Luke Skykumquat's Hott
Orangest Orange, Mammy Miami
Crimsonest Crimson, Poolan Rouge
Douchiest Facial Expression, Abe Stinkin'
Douchiest Hand Gesture, Hypothetical Gun Swinger
Greasiest GreaseStain, Greasy-E
Most European Eurobag, The Eurolick
Most Annoying Bagling, Hucky Sheen
The Ricky, Sammy is Nottadouche
Greatest Crisis in Modernity, I Can Haz Preposterous
Hottest Girl Next Door, Derek Jeter Head's Cynthia…. yummmmm!
Most Innovative Bag Manuever, AssPear & DoucheHead
Guggenheim, Still Life with WheelBarrow… cuz a wheelbarrow is always a useful sex prop!
Baghunter of the Year, despite his infrequent appearances of late, he always cracks me up & I think he is scary for reals… Baron Von Gooloo
& finally Baghuntress of the Year, sorry Medusa, I still love you & you're funnier than a porcupine in a sock drawer, it has to be HyperSexual Girl!
not a definitive list, just how I see it y'all… bag on!
douchiest tatt, P. Doody….now which way da bar?
oh yeah, douchiest football franchise, Dallas Scroteboys!
I would say that the douchiest maneuver or douchiest hand gesture of 2009 is the twatlick, as demonstrated by Lord Twatlickious III.
Not only does it scream "I have never done this with a real woman!!!" it also screams "I'm such a juvenile uberscrote that I don't even know how to behave around women!!!"
As for The Ricky: Bagpoleon for the win. He has a deceptive air of nottadoucheosity that almost fools you. You have to look closer to realize just how big of a douche he is.
Orangest Orange: as much as Poopaloompa is scary, the Clockwork Orange has to be the most ridiculous of the oranges. You could see his white hairline and scalp! Even Poopa did a better job than that.
Most expensive first date: Josephine. Girls that look like that, you better be on top of your game and shelling out.
Bleethiest Bleeth: those trailer park meth lab minors for the Salt Lick. Yuck. They are one step away from a mug shot.
Douchiest Celeb couple: Jon & Kate Gosselin, with Kourtney Kardashian and her husband not far behind.
Hottest girl next door: Francine. She is really cute. How the hell did she end up with Mack the Nozzle? Insane. Poopaloompa's Jane also deserves recognition.
Damn; this will take time to do it right…time to start trolling thru the archives…
Dämm thãT bØ¥ ïn th' PïkçhüR Gòtż sœme bïg ęärš änd 2 mûčh tånñęR øn….büt whęrė'ż hìž Gür£??? Ånd hïs Fáçë???>>>>>>>FÜÇÇĘÑ. JÙG HËÁD GØMPĘR!|!!!||1!^^
i'd like to nominate the hypothetical gun for new move – truly original and completely idiotic
@ Dark Sock: Yes, that is the correct way of doing it, trolling the archives. For lazy asses like me, so far I have only shot piecemeal recollections. I'll have to perform my due dillegence, same as you I guess.
Pointless post.
100!
Scroteo –
Thanks for the shoutout, the regs keep my cracked up. I'm certainly not on their level of commitment and jelly dongery, but I'm doing my best to refine my porch beef quotient.
And the douches keep me regular, one look at Crimson Ted and I immediately fill my pants with poo. Immediately.
I'll need to rob a fucking liquor store before I have enough booze to sort this shit out…
Ya'll some quick-drawin' mofo's.
When's the deadline, boss?
most annoying bagling will probably have to be Spanky.
Ashlee for hottest hott. i'm not sure if i made the right decision, but i nominate Ashlee regardless.
oh oh oh i might have a new candidate for most expensive first date hott: the Swedish countess in More Choadpoo.
Swedish countesses will have you know that they spend five figures a day. but don't ask me why i think she looks like a Swedish countess.
Muscle Milk hott for bleethiest bleeth. that should be self explanatory.
lastly, Cindy hott from Friday Haiku II for hottest girl next door hott. my nominations are starting to make less and less sense but i'm sticking with it.
and those are the nominations i actually care about. the rest is meh in my book. whew.
Hottest Hott-(This one's a bit obscure) but, Hairy Bellefonte's Cheryl Crowe Hott. (she caused involuntary twitching in my boxers.)
Smoot and Crystal will probably take home the big prize. Smoot has the entire package and is the a priori douchebag.
Best 'Bag Hunter- There are five to ten, (both male and female,) who crack me up on a near-daily basis, so it's really hard to single one out.
A seperate category for 'Bag Huntress smacks of sexism. Everyone's equal here and it's not like arm wrestling or golf where a potential physical discrepancy would make it unfair.
Therefore, in the interest of political correctness, I propose that Medusa, Car Ramrod, Idaho Hott, Maiden Mother and Bleeth, Miss Leigh, Ashfish, Tracie O and all other female Hunters compete for glory in a large pit full of Strawberry Jell-o for a knock-down, drag-out, no-holds-barred wrestling match. The bikini-clad contestants would be prohibited from eye-gouging, but kissing, groping and fondling would be heartily encouraged.
May the best girl win.
Just a suggestion.
Don't forget sweet Calista, with the Sophia Loren look.
http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2009/06/your-saturday-this-coupling-is-so-wrong.html
one things for sure- it is very scary scrolling through the archives
proceed with caution
Seems like only yesterday I was laughing my anonymous ass off at HCwDB and now I find my self weighing in on my first ever Douchie Awards. Competition is going to be fierce in every category and I plan to be prepared. And by prepared I mean extra lotion and tissue with a wireless router and easy access to the restroom.
Here are my takes on some of the key categories. No links, but I give you the month and encourage you to go trolling. The archives are insane:
Hottest Hott: Francine, hands down. If you’ve read my multi-chaptered epic, this is no surprise to you. She makes me ache.
Best Golden Globes: The Eiffel Towers (Feb) If the G.I. Joe villains had tried to take down these Towers it would have truly started WWIII.
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Schmuckhead and Claudina Ass Pear (Aug). This trifecta of bouncy fruit would turn each of us into Berney Madoff, robbing blind American seniors even more blind for just the chance to cut off and eat the hand of the janitor who applied bleach to all of the tables and poles that they smeared on.
Most Annoying 'Bagling: Vanilla Putz (Aug) Any Bagling with a butler deserves recognition.
The Ricky (aka the "Everybag"): Waxy McBrow (May). You see this douche everywhere. And I mean everywhere. The clubs, the gyms, office complexes, the mall, court.
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Punchy McGee (Sep) He is a douche out of the time stream. He is the 80’s, 90’, and 00’s, all in one sad, sad bundle.
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott: The Lonely Purple Balloon (Aug) Blondie on the left looks like she could be babysitting your neighbor’s kids. Then you get a glimpse of her sunbathing in a bikini. Now she’s babysitting your 15 y.o. just for the chance of you driving around the block to pick her up and taker her home.
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady): The Hardy Boy and the Case of the Bleethy Brunette (Sep) Just see the pick. I’ve never wanted to punch a woman just because of a picture, until now.
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023: Crotch Hardy? Hardly (Oct 2) He was only on stage for Friday Haiku, but his impact will be felt for generations to come.
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Gunter Von Crotchian (Oct) This douche freaks me out. He has the eyes of a serial killer on meth. And yet you could see yourself having a beer and nodding along to his disturbed mumblings.
Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year: All my props to Medusa, who when I’m deep into my fantasies of taking Francine to places she’s never been, is always there yanking the choke chain around my neck and poking her delicious toes into Francine's moist nethers. But there is competition, and I gotta put a good word in for IdahoHottPotato, who when she posts, fills my heart with all sorts of drippin girl-on-girl goodness.
If I've given the first half of the year short shrift, well tough tittie as my Sunday school teacher used to say. I'll keep rolling through the archives and seeing what most catches my eye. If there are more Eiffel Towers out there to be found, I may have difficulty pacing my masturbation sessions to keep some ammo in the gun come award time.
Any chance that we will see the Carmine Gotti Agnello lifetime achievement award?
Hottest Girl Next Door Hot –
Hands down for me…the gal from the very bottom of October in the Octoberfest costume with the pigtails.
Good God, I cant stop thinking about her.
http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/HappyOctoberfest-744480.jpg
Hottest Hott: Crosshair MJ's Leia hott.
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Bucky's Kathy Hott.
Bleethiest Bleeth: Mack's Francine.
I'll continue to work on the rest.
Hey, where's the Irving Thallbag Award. Shouldn't Xenu be receiving that this year?
HOH nominees, Minnie Von Shtup, Kathy (of Bucky fame), and Bagpoleans hot.
Kathy for Hottest Girl Next door
Crimsonest Crimson – Crimson Ted
Most Innovative Bage Maneuver of 09, GSR
Bleethiest – Frankies Thumbs hot
@ myself 3:18 AM,
i meant to nominate Ashlee's Spring Break for hottest hott. not the April archives.
whoa. April. i'm still obsessed about April.
Fuck DorkSuck, Best BagHunter of the Year is the ever present and always hilarious Anonymous!!!
Some of his best posts include:
"First"
"I don't think wearing ed Hardy is an auto-douche"
"Where are the Hot Chicks in this post. All I see is an average girl with library glasses"
That's what I'm saying.
Hottest Hott
Ass Pear LaPlante – because sometimes a face is optional:
http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/AssPearLaPlante4-793726.bmp
Best Golden Globes
This one ends in a tie, like a dead heat in a zeppelin race:
Wheatstalk’s “Snow-Capped Mountains” chick: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/WheatstalksPornsOUt-766192.jpg
“The Eiffel Towers”: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/92053-759196.jpg
Smells Like Poo
“Crimson Ted Celebrates Winning HCwDB of the Month”, for reasons that should be obvious: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/CrimsonTed2-799707.jpg
Orangest Orange:
“Cheeto Man” is as orange as orange gets: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2009/07/friday-thoughts-and-links_24.html
Crimsonest Crimson:
“Mammy Miami”. For those of you writing in “Crimson Ted” as a kneejerk, click here then reconsider: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/Mammy-726392.jpg
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Klaus’s Hott: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/96082-798162.jpg
And it’s not a category, but here’s the LEAST expensive first date Hott, because last time I checked, shagging under a highway overpass was free: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/BrothabagAmes6-797533.jpg
Douchiest Hair
“Rusty The Frill-Necked Lizard”: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/92034-712544.jpg
Douchiest Facial Expression
Crimson Ted’s 1,000 yard stare: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/CrimsonTed2-728525.jpg
Douchiest Hand Gesture:
“Hypothetical Gun” http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/091023-773201.jpg
Greasiest Greasestain
“A Clockwork Orange” – Shine on you greasy diamond: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/EuroOrange-765099.jpg
Most European Eurobag
“The EuroBag”: http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/8346/eurobag.jpg
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
The Gosselins. Perhaps of the Decade.
Runner Up: Sham-Wow Guy and Lip-Biting Hooker…”You’re gonna love my GAHHHHH!!! LEB GO BY LIPBB!!!”
2nd Runner Up: Pittsburgh Steelers Kicker Jeff Reed and that empty paper towel dispenser.
Most Annoying 'Bagling
“The GhoulBag”: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2009/02/hcwdb-of-month-ghoulbag.html
"continued"…..
The Ricky (aka the "Everybag")
Kevin: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/910064-731715.JPG
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
The Incredible Yolk: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/92074-722620.jpg
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Francine: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/Francine13-790549.jpg
2nd place – “Orange Jeter’s Cynthia”: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/Cynthia2-779724.jpg
Distant third – “Gidget”: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/93115-793705.jpg
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka "The Douchebaguette" for the douchiest lady)
“GuidOverload” chick: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/Guidoverload-794610.jpg
Runner-up: Axl’s Cougar: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/910108-742671.jpg
2nd Runner-up: “Maggie” http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2009/07/teddy-tatt-and-maggies-wine-tips.html
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver of 2009
Groin Shave Reveal: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/910105-791186.jpg
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023
“Hot Peeps with Peepbags”: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/HotPeepsWithPeepbags-762326.jpg
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
“Poo”. And I still maintain that his Hott is Hott. “You think anyone think’s I’m a loser because I go home to Starla every night?!?” I regret nothing. http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2009/02/poo.html
Best 'Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Crucial Head, by a small box of Nerds
Runner Up: Captain Bringdown
Best New Baghunter: Mr. Scrotato Head
Total Android with Perfect Recall: Wheezer
Best 'Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)
Medusa Oblongata. Duh
DB1, there can be no more memorable disaster than Crimson Ted with his face in that Bleethette's ass.
In a roomfull of people.
He has some undefinable hold on my "Ewwwww…!" factor.
Darksock picked Francine as his girl next door. You have obviously not seen all of her pics. If she's the girl next door, then you need to burn your house down and move right now. Living next to a jizz factory is bad for your health.
@ Scroteophobic
I too appreciate the shout out. We nerds (geeks?) must stick together and I mean that in the most hetero way6 possible. I am merely trying to work on my "chops' so to speak. I only hope to attain the rarest of heights occupied by Mr. White, Crucial, Wheezer, Baron, etc. etc.
Now I have to go through all of 2009 to get some nominees.
What about the "Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award"?
Hottest Hott – Poopa's Nebraska chick
Best Golden Globes – Poopa's Nebraska Chick
Smells like Poo – The Poopaloompa
Organgest Orange – The Poopaloompa
Crimsonest Crimson – The Poopaloompa
Most Expensive First Date Hott – The Poopaloompa
Douchiest Hair – The Poopaloompa
Douchiest Facial Expression – The Poopaloompa
Douchiest Hand Gesture – Bapoleon
Greasiest Greasestain – The poopaloompa
Most European Eurobag – The Poopaloompa
Douchiest HCwDC Celebrity Couple of the Year – Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift
Most Annoying 'Bagling – Justin Bieber
The Ricky – Smoot
Greatest Crisis of Modernity – The Poopaloompa
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott – The Poopaloompa's Nebraska Pussy
Bleethiest Bleeth – Bucky's babe
Most Innovative 'Bag Maneuver – The white glove perversion
Most Likely to be part of the perm collection of the Guggenheim in 2023 – The Poopaloompa
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection – The Poopaloompa
@Jonesy 3:09
Gawd! That was mighty good! HA!
@ creature
You're too kind, but the simple fact of the matter is that I haven't put in the hours this year to deserve a twofer. Although when I am here, I do agree with you that I am funny as fuck all. Eh, fuck most.
Now Darksock – he still cracks my pasty white ass up. And he's put in the hours. I know. I've read them. I'm all for the twofer there.
All my other noms will have to wait pending research. Hopefully I'll make the deadline. But Baghuntress is a no-brainer: Medusa. Over the last two years it has been nothing short of a delight to watch that tiny, precious sprout of tentative sarcasm erupt into a thorny, sex-crazed mass of flailing, scrote-eating kudzu; the anime tentacle sodomy of a fratbag's worst nightmares. You can almost hear her wit sharpening with each successive rant. I border on turgidity at the thought of her impending Douchie.
TURGIDITY, I SAY!!!!