Saturday, November 28, 2009

The 2009 Douchies: Starting December 7th


Your humble narrator is busy processing and preparing for our gala year end awards show and competition, The 2009 Douchie Awards.

A two week festive celebration/mock of all things hottie/scrotey, as well as a voting competition to determine our final winners of the year.

Forget the Oscars. Ignore the Emmys. Urinate on the People’s Choice Awards.

This is where the real cultural awards are given out.

Props to all for their suggestions/nominations, your voices have been heard. I’ve fixed the overlooked categories, adding Hottest Librarian Hott, Douchiest Tattoo and Douchiest ShamWOW Pitchman to the mix.

There will also be a 2009 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award, and I’m sure many of you can guess who will receive it.

Get ready.

The Douchies are one week away.

# posted by douchebag1
8:47 pm November, 28 Anonymous said...

Donkey Douche?

8:47 pm November, 28 El Caganer said...

First!

8:49 pm November, 28 El Caganer said...

Damn. Not first. I will poop on the Peoples choice awards but I would never urinate on it.

8:51 pm November, 28 El Caganer said...

Bucky, Smoot, and E-blo in that order.

9:06 pm November, 28 El Caganer said...

Sham Wow guy notadouche. He is much worse…a fucking carnie.

9:11 pm November, 28 Wheezer said...

"There will also be a 2009 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award, and I'm sure many of you can guess who will receive it."

Yep, gotta be the Donkster.

9:35 pm November, 28 notadouche said...

Yay for librarian hotts. May they shush you as they spank you.

9:49 pm November, 28 Anonymous said...

Smoot for Irving Thallbag award?

9:52 pm November, 28 Filthy McBaggin' said...

2009, the year the Donk finally gets his due!

This will top off an epic year for DD, where he had the pleasure of incarceration, and being forced to give up the Man-Pussy on a near daily basis…

9:57 pm November, 28 Max said...

Hasn't the Donk already gotten a lifetime achievement award?

I'm thinking Kettlehead for that one…just for the sheer volume of appearances with quality hotts he's made.

10:55 pm November, 28 Douchble Helix said...

…and on this Thanksgiving I am grateful for DB1 and his fucking awesome blog.

11:18 pm November, 28 Not DarkSock. Really! said...

Commenter of The Year: DarkSock

11:18 pm November, 28 pv1 said...

How about a Douchiest Takedown Request category?

11:22 pm November, 28 pv1 said...

The Most Annoying Shirt category

11:25 pm November, 28 creature said...

Fuck Fish Slap!

12:38 am November, 29 Wheezer said...

@Max, 1:57 p.m. -

Past I.T.L.A.A. winners are Gator (2007) and (Fuck) Fish Slap (2008).

My guess is that this is Donkey Douche's year. Unlike Kettlehead, Donk's already in the HoS and, over the last few months, has sent in a couple of messages denouncing us as losers, etc.

@Anon, 1:49 p.m. -

Smoot looks to be the favorite for the 2009 Douche of the Year, so his first chance at a Thallbag will have to come in 2010. He's definitely a contender for it, though, perhaps by 2011.

1:17 am November, 29 DarkSock said...

I'd pee in that award cup

1:19 am November, 29 DarkSock said...

Besides Baghunter the year, Wheezer is in my opinion also the Librarian of the HCwDB institute.

Wheezer, can you kindly submit a photo of yourself, wearing homely glasses like Velma of Scooby Doo?

1:24 am November, 29 Sluggo said...

So help me, if P. Doody doesn't clean up in the race for the douchiest tattoo, I will shit twice.

2:04 am November, 29 Wheezer said...

'Sock, how 'bout this?

No, it's not me but I took the liberty of providing a better photo of "Velma."

2:05 am November, 29 scrotum pole said...

Librarian Hot

2:13 am November, 29 El Caganer said...

@scrotum pole

You found a pic of Lamp and his hot!! This must be why he was too busy for Turkey Pear.

2:36 am November, 29 ImageWrangler said...

Remembered kids, it's hotchickswithdouchebags, NOT librarian hott boobs with not quite stage two bags or all bag no hott or super orange with mediocre bland or hot hot hot with not-a-douche.

Requirements are a hott chick and a full on douche. If you need more help on what this means, check the FAQ. If you still don't get it, don't vote.

2:39 am November, 29 Anonymous said...

@Imagewrangler

Your not the boss of me.

2:40 am November, 29 scrotum pole said...

@ El C

Yes, Lamp can be seen leaning seductively over her desk, learing at her with bad intentions.

Beatrice, the librarian, outwardly appears uninterested, but inside she's squirming with lustful anticipation. In fact she becomes a bit uncomfortable, as a small moist spot begins to form on the cushion of her seat.

Which brings me to the question:

To quyalify for '09 Librarian Hot, must the contestant actually work in a library, or is it OK if she once read a boook?

Or an article in People?

Or a Sybian owners manual?

2:42 am November, 29 Anonymous said...

I second the DarkSock nomination. Dude should think about his own spin-off site!

2:51 am November, 29 El Caganer said...

@Imagewrangler

I always vote boobies. I just can't help myself. If I can get myself under control, I vote titties. This thought process has served me well, when it comes to voting and masturbating.

3:04 am November, 29 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Smoot doesn't need your votes.

He is above votes.

He will take the crown with force and black fingernail polish.

'Cause that shit makes you look super tough.

3:14 am November, 29 bourbon bill said...

I base my votes on the most skin shown by a hott and their boob size. Its a two fold process.

3:19 am November, 29 bourbon bill said...

Smoot beats Bucky with welding gloves that Bucky later wears in defiance.

3:54 am November, 29 The Desert Douchehunter said...

I have a gallon of Pepto and a bucket next to my computer. Bring on the Douchie's I can take it!

5:09 am November, 29 Anonymous said...

Donky Douche for 2009 Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award. He's earned it.

5:13 am November, 29 Baron Von Goolo said...

I smell a Smootening…

5:18 am November, 29 Dave Navarro said...

I think I can get this trophy up my ass. Reminds me when Carmen used to fist me before breakfast.

5:20 am November, 29 DarkSock said...

I peed in a horse once.

Seriously.

6:21 am November, 29 Steve L. said...

douchiest tattoo is a great addition to the Douchies.

12:28 pm November, 29 Scroteophobic said...

@Darksock
And a hobo – Veronica told us so it must be true.

3:56 pm November, 29 Troy Tempest said...

The girl who played Velma is a Total Hott. Her name is Linda Cardellini, and she looks like this.

Fwing! go the throbbing members in a salute to beauty…

4:13 pm November, 29 Sick of Your Bullshit said...

Biggest asshole:

Image Wrangler/Doc.

4:42 pm November, 29 boatbutter said...

Keep up the good work DB1! – let me know where to send a box of Ho-Ho's and a bottle of T-bird to keep you going.

5:20 pm November, 29 Wedgie said...

The Donk gets the Thallbag Award. Maybe he will come in with a little comment to thank everyone who voted for him.

5:22 pm November, 29 Wedgie said...

And by thank us, I mean call us pathetic losers.

When a douchebag calls you a pathetic loser, is that really a backwards compliment?

5:35 pm November, 29 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Thank you Troy, you are a scholar and a gentle smut peddler.

Let the fwopping commence.

7:35 pm November, 29 Justin said...

I was checking out some old posts and came across this gem…

Donk and his best friends

Not sure who created this masterpiece, so whoever you are… bravo!

10:43 pm November, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ah, the Douchies are upon us again. And I don't have a thing to wear. Given that I was too lazy/busy getting railed to throw in category suggestions way back when, may I propose Douchiest hairstyle, if it's not been added?

11:04 pm November, 29 Bob said...

I await with growing unrest and anticipation, DB1.

12:56 am November, 30 DarkSock said...

@ Troy

Linda Cardellini was a scrumptious Velma, but Hollywood still must pay for casting Rosie Fuccen O'Donnell as the fwap-worthy Betty Rubble. WTF….These are the same Hollywood Nephews that almost cast Bill Murray as Batman, but settled on 5'-4" Michael "Can You Build Me A Chin Please" Keaton.

2:59 am November, 30 TIM! said...

i think the engraving on the trophy should be something iconic of douchery rather than the couple currently portrayed. Perhaps an flipped-bill hat? douche goggles? a fine inlay of chinstraps? or maybe just a pair of kissy faced lips, eh?

3:31 am November, 30 pv1 said...

That 'couple' is THEE couple. Mr. Joey Porsche and his silicone lady.

3:59 am November, 30 Whoop-di-douche said...

I say let's just teabag them all and be done with it, no need to vote. They're all losers, er winners, er, losers.

4:00 am November, 30 Whoop-di-douche said...

PS: I hope DB1 has the perfect Porch Beef category all lined up.

4:16 am November, 30 G.L.A.D.Y.S. said...

THE PORCH BEEF IS A LIE

5:48 am November, 30 Troy Tempest said...

@Darksock

Yes, O'Donnell's Betty Rubble was a bad move. But it was a sucktastic movie, so who cares?

Michael Keaton, while short, is effective as Batman – you can work miracles with Apple Boxes and camera angles, and he's got a good voice for the part.

1:30 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

The Donk shouldn't win the Thallbag award. He's a shadow of his former self. He's a broken down mess. Well, maybe he should but a better winner would be Xenu or Joey Porsche. Although, maybe having your visage on the cup is enough for the Porsche.

2:41 pm November, 30 Anonymous said...

You still forgot best ass pear of '09.

11:54 pm November, 30 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

May I suggest a "Moment of Zen with Samurai Scrote" award? No one will touch the master in this category but a few have tried with pathetic imitation.

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