Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Overcooked Turkey

Important advice this Thanksgiving season from “Healthy Cooking:”

—-

Thawing the Turkey

If you get a frozen turkey, you’ll need to thaw it in the coldest part of your refrigerator in its original wrapper with a tray resting underneath. You’ll need to allow 24 hours for every 5 pounds of turkey.

Preparing Your Turkey

Be sure to pull out the neck and giblets from the body and neck cavity of the turkey.

Don’t laugh. More experienced cooks than I have made the mistake of leaving these parts in, only to find the house warmed by the smell of burning plastic an hour later.

Other important prep factors include the size and shape of the pan and the way the turkey rests in the pan.

When I called the Butterball help line — a useful resource if there ever was one — I discussed this issue at length with them. And they convinced me that putting the turkey in a pan no deeper than 2 to 2-1/2 inches is ideal and resting it on a flat rack is key.

Or you can just mock it from a safe distance.

—-

# posted by douchebag1
11:33 pm November, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Run Butterball run! The black-haired zombie has just sucked the giblets out of the other three and she's going to be coming after you. Oh wait a second. Hold that thought. Just stand there. A little more to your right… that's good.. now bend down a little…

11:35 pm November, 25 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

This just all types of wrong. Aren't you guys a little bit old for this type of pointy-nippled fuckery? Although I would take down the milf in the back. And by take down I mean fwop. And by fwop I mean…well you know. I really need a tasty adult beverage in my hand so Happy Thanksgiving and Fuck Fish Slap.

11:40 pm November, 25 El Caganer said...

One too many hotts? I will take the blond.

11:50 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Dude in the back trying his damndest to suck in the beer belly he's developed since his 20s. The guy in the front… not so much.

Juicy Brunette McCleavage is aching for a nice, long turkey baster.

– Oucheday Agbay

12:01 am November, 26 Anonymous said...

Closet of Poo!!!

12:03 am November, 26 doucheywallnuts said...

These 2 throwback, vintage douchebags refuse to bow to current convention and primp and preen and cover themselves in tats…Their douchebaggery speaks for itself and they don't need props, accessories or any other means to say, "I'm a fucking douchebag.'

They just are.

12:23 am November, 26 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

I'd love to punch that punch-face, but shit, that's a big ass dude.

Or big assed dude?

I think both, either way, I hope a bigger assed dude punches that tan monstrocity right in the kisser.

And by kisser, I mean punch-face.

12:33 am November, 26 Anonymous said...

I spatchcock my turkey for quicker roasting. I think these spatchcocks need some butter rubbed on them for maximum crispyness.

12:57 am November, 26 El Caganer said...

On close inspection, these guys and gals seem to old for this type of tomfoolery.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

1:32 am November, 26 Whoop-di-douche said...

These happy feasters are readying to

1) stuff the bird

2) roast the turduckenturd

3) baste the breastmeat

4) squat and gobble

3:48 am November, 26 pv1 said...

Gobble, gobble…

3:49 am November, 26 pv1 said...

I don't see any hotts. I only see a nice pair of boobs. No hotts.

3:50 am November, 26 pv1 said...

Aw fuck it! I guess I'll have chicken.

4:14 am November, 26 Anonymous said...

A turducken if I ever saw one.

4:23 am November, 26 Doomfist said...

Guy looks kinda like Donkey Douche..

5:38 am November, 26 portlandouche said...

The 'bag on the left has a tail!

5:53 am November, 26 DarkSock said...

As the tail of the left shaved primate popped out of it's hiding place Tina, Vicky and Chelsea realized they were about to have to fight off baboons while armed with nothing more than the giant dildoes in their purses.

8:54 am November, 26 Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving Dorksuck! You unfunny piece of monkey shit. Have fun sticking Troy Tempest's horn o' plenty in your rubbery gaping butthole.

Happy Turkey Day Jennifer! Enjoy being slobbered on by the filthy old men that inhabit this site you homely piece of uncooked chicken pot pie.

Happy Imminent Slaughter of the Native Americans Day to Phah, Douchial, Fugly Medusa, and that ridiculously bland and unfunny newcommer named Jacque Douchetow. Please work on your comedy routine before wasting space with your posts (I'm looking at you too PV1 and Mr. Scrowtatohaed)

10:21 am November, 26 Anonymous said...

Our two Old Timer uber choads communicate in clicks and grunts and encircle our three hotts with a blatant disregard for personal space. They resemble bowls of Orange Jello.
Pouty Douche lost his gym membership months ago and it has been weeks since he last saw 'Captain Kinish'. As for the balding leather bag leeching on to 'Wonder Woman' milf..you, grandad, belong in a commercial for Zimmer Frames. Remember chaps, auditions for 'Santa' down at the local JC Penny start Monday.

Regards,
Douche Pitt

11:38 am November, 26 Steve L. said...

dark or very dark meat is okay, but poo-colored meat is not.

but you already know that.

11:39 am November, 26 Steve L. said...

Anon 12:54 AM clearly has nothing better to do.

12:24 pm November, 26 Scroteophobic said...

@Steve L
Maybe we could suggest better things for that Anon to do? You know, being famously helpful people and all.

Anon 1254 could liquidise several fowl and use a bicycle pump to give themselves a turducken enema.

Anon 1254 could go give the Schmock a much needed gender test.

2:18 pm November, 26 DarkSock said...

Doc @ 12:54 AM

Leave chicken pot pie out of this, motherFUCKER.

2:25 pm November, 26 Steve L. said...

Anon 1254 could fellate every single weekly and monthly winner of 2009 since he's so eager to defend "better looking men".

2:27 pm November, 26 Steve L. said...

Anon 1254 could stock his basement with a year's supply of cat food so that he expand his mission against HCwDB into a 24/7 operation.

2:33 pm November, 26 Scroteophobic said...

Anon 1254 could start bottling his urine so he has something to wash down his tasty tasty cat food.

2:34 pm November, 26 Steve L. said...

Anon 1254 could solicit advice from Arthur Kade on how to get ahead in "The Biz".

(and just for that, the quotation mark keys on my keyboard came to life and slapped me on my face, but i told them it's for mocking Anon 1254 and they calmed down again)

2:53 pm November, 26 euripidouche said...

cooking for douchebags:

i think its important to remember that all the food-porn advice leaves off the demo this site addresses.

with that in mind, i would like to remind douchebags preparing their traditional holiday meal to pull the tin foil back over the cobbler, and preheating the oven to 375 degrees before putting the diner on the center of the rack for 55 minutes.

3:03 pm November, 26 The Dude said...

3 thots:

Black-haired zombie gurl scares me.

Where are they?

Boobies.

3:42 pm November, 26 Bob said...

When these hotts discover the shrunken junk on these taintstains due to steroid use, they'll leave the scene. At which point, I'll be free and clear to take these douches out with the sniper rifle. Like you said, "from a safe distance".

Cleaning up the world of the Virus, one medicine-bullet at a time…

3:53 pm November, 26 Hybrid ColourFarm said...

Doc @ 12:54 AM is what happens when you punch the baby of your unborn father.

5:00 pm November, 26 Troy Tempest said...

OK – so Kevin Federline is now working with Ed Hardy stores. Here's a picture of him and his GF. Talk about Celebrity Douche and Bleeth.

They induce nausea even in creatures that have no trachea.

The over done douche in the salmon colours jams is an example of what happens when you work out like a motherfucker and get all jacked up on roids in your twenties, then these idiots turn 35 and their metabolisms stop on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime is in their pocket and they acquire Middle Aged Gut Drop. With all that muscle to turn to flab they acquire the Fupa depicted here.

Either that or it's the flabbiest looking goiter evaaaah.

The over tanned bleeth looks like she's about to have a nervous breakdown. Either that or she's a chihuahua in a people suit.

The blonde is trying to do the MILFy thing and only comes up looking vacuous.

The tall brunette in back, though, is a fine tall cool drink of a woman. Her dad, at far left, is in really great shape.

5:27 pm November, 26 Anonymous said...

Obviously a couple of big city Firefighters, trying to heal from the trauma of shaving off thier mustaches with a vacation in Mazatlan.

The two ladies in the middle are experimental lesbians who have tired of watching thier men sleep together at the hall and are going to warm up each others bed while thier men high five, twitch thier naked upper lips while cuddling and watching porn together.

Or it's three couples in thier 40s on vacation. The missing guy is taking the photo while the others mug for the camera. Definetly never expecting to be on this site being mocked by people who sit at thier computers all day. Like me.

French for Shower

5:43 pm November, 26 massengill said...

Stuffed my bird full of porch meat, 151 and Fruity Pebbles. Hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving that is full of fuccen tarmal!

7:23 pm November, 26 The Dude said...

@massengill 943a

omg, after not openly guffawing at the comments for some time, I suddenly destroyed my keyboard reading your post.

Thank you very little, and by that I mean Happy Thanksgiving to all!

7:56 pm November, 26 massengill said...

@ The Dude

I do what I can.

2:54 am November, 27 Erin Hottovich said...

I agree with Doomfist… I totally think douche on the right is Donkey Douche.

3:21 am November, 27 DarkSock said...

"DoomFist"…now there's a cool name. WTF was I thinking when I picked "DarkSock"?

If I had it to do over I'd pick the online handle of DoomFist but with some ümläüts and an extra "s":

DøömFïsst ••••€

¥€$!

5:32 am November, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

"I'll have whatever she's having…uh, er, ummm that basted turkey on the right. The one with the orange flap covering the porch meat."

2:23 am November, 28 Anonymous said...

Seriously – is there an instruction manual on "How to be a Douche" where step one is to make you make that retarded kissy face in all pictures?

6:24 am November, 28 Anonymous said...

Are we sure that's not Jeff Reed on the left? Looks like his body, and looks like his scene. And the dude on the right could certainly be a ex-NFL buddy of his.

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