Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Schmock


We’ve charted many ‘bag trends over the years here at HCwDB.

But we’ve never fully identified this strange black hybrid muscle-t/bra that so many of our club puds sport.

Is there a singular defining shirt more indicative of douche-poo than this monochromatic name-brand tight black club bra?

I think not.

I therefore dub item of pudwear, The Schmock.

Oh, and you got a little Ed Hardy stain on your pants there, Schmock Wearer. Let me get it off. With elephant pee.

# posted by douchebag1
11:58 pm November, 24 The Desert Douchehunter said...

Damn, when did Mya turn bleath?

11:59 pm November, 24 End the Haberdouchery said...

Can we get an auto-douche proclamation for anyone drinking out of those things?

12:03 am November, 25 Taintball said...

He's got quite the little cutie there on his right arm….oh wait, you actually DRINK that? Grab a beer, douche.

12:09 am November, 25 Steven Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith said...

Dude looks like a lady.

12:10 am November, 25 Wheezer said...

Dude looks like Jeterbag Jimmy…..

12:12 am November, 25 ImageWrangler said...

Are you sure this isn't a bulldike? Seems more like a chick named Pat.

12:17 am November, 25 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

Every juice-bags at my gym wears those things, which sucks because I really don't need to see bacne.

12:32 am November, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Goddamn Wheezer you're good! I don't want you anywhere near me if I ever have to go into the witness protection program.

@DB1

Elephant pee won't get that out. What you need is a nail gun, wire scrub brush, bleach, and a flamethrower. Rub the infected spot vigorously for 15 minutes while pouring bleach on it. Place nail gun on each eye and shoot on full auto for 5 minutes or until you see brain matter. Apply flamethrower liberally to what is left. I think that should do it. I'm kinda helpful like that.

12:50 am November, 25 João said...

Is this… DEREK JETER? After some horrible experience, but still.

12:56 am November, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Mrs. Dr. HoneyDocuhe just said that this has to be a dyke. "It's got man hands" she keeps repeating. "Look at how it is holding the drink, it's gotta be a dyke with big ol' man hands! Those aren't guy eyebrows!" She's convinced, what can I say.

12:57 am November, 25 Justin said...

@ Wheezer 4:10

Excellent discovery!

1:11 am November, 25 scrotum pole said...

The disinterested look on his face coupled with the way he's fondling the phallic goblet is disturbing.

Maria would be well-advised to find someone a little less gay.

1:11 am November, 25 Russell Scrowte said...

He looks like Christopher Walken, after being hit with a bag of what the fuck and set on douche-fire.

1:22 am November, 25 Brian said...

That is a "domestic partner beater"

It's a wife beater for homos…

1:25 am November, 25 Vin Douchal said...

Seriously, Wheezer, you are the Rain Man of HCwDB.

That said, WTF hit this crispy critter?

1:56 am November, 25 Cheadle'bag said...

is that a dude?

2:11 am November, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Let ME rip it off, with a flame thrower.

2:17 am November, 25 pv1 said...

Don't you have to have like muscles in order to wear a muscle shirt?

2:17 am November, 25 scrotum pole said...

Pud-beater T-shirt

2:18 am November, 25 pv1 said...

Nothing says P.i.m.p. like a pink drank.

2:22 am November, 25 Genital Electric said...

Even the balloon animals are pointing phallically at him.

2:39 am November, 25 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

A bold move indeed, wearing a "muscle" shirt, having never seen a weight room. Yet the (semi) hott poses….

A big Kwaanza shout out for the Afro-centric mandana, and he isn't even a brothabag!

3:00 am November, 25 Anonymous said...

that's definitely a chick.

isn't it??

I mean…

Yeah… that's a chick.

4:42 am November, 25 DarkSock said...

While I voted for Crucial in the 2009 Douchies as Baghunter of the year (for purely homosexual reasons, mind you) and Mr. Scrotato Head as Best New Artist, and Jethro Tull as Best Heavy Metal Band, WHEEZER simply needs to be elevated to Eternal Hall Status as BagFINDER extraordinaire, Emeritus Eternicus Et Al Con Carné. Fuck some yearly prize. His avatar is apropo: Hëłł Höünd ó Šhåmę.

WHEEZER!!!!

4:45 am November, 25 Ł£ÅÆMmÆHHhhhhjh said...

ŁÖÜd NØÏsËs!!!!!!

4:45 am November, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

Russell @ 5:11…I do agree, he has that Chris Walken look, and then, see WHEEZER's link to Jeterbag Jimmy.

And again, he looks almost female, but I think the douche-top is what's pushing the edge for such an apparition, for he is quite male in other respects.

Delicious Marla looks pretty preggers in blue.

The phallic gpblet looks like it's holding a harmless cranberry fizz. And that must be a helluva long straw in there.

Schmockdouche is quite simply the douchiest variety I've seen in some while.

5:27 am November, 25 Captain Bringdown said...

Balloon sculptor is the Georgia O'Keefe of the pub bar set.

Note to sweet suza; While both me and pudstank will lick your deli slices until our tongues rigor, My schnauzer actually works. The only way "Mr." Softwrench is gonna bottom you out is with one of those bar stools.

Not that I wouldn't spend two hours searching trackers for video of that, but…

6:13 am November, 25 Anonne Huntress said...

Another douche that must be related to E-Blo, or sucking him. He too has that white studded belt! WTF! And the schmock, except E-Blo's was light blue.

I think we know who douche of the year is going to be… because so many want to be like him.

7:18 am November, 25 Anonymous said...

The bar calls to mind The Cat's Meow, a karaoke joint in New Orleans. If that's the locale, I'll give this 'bag a free pass on the giant phallic fruity drink.

The Schmock gets no such pass. ONE time I saw a Schmock on a guy with huge pecs, and it actually looked kinda hot. The bra straps curved over his chest bulges. The Schmock just hangs limply off 99.9% of the douchenozzles who wear it, not unlike other 'bag equipment.

9:50 am November, 25 Steve L. said...

i can see a very fruitful year for the Schmock in 2010.

2:52 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

I think DB1 was dislexic on this one. Should be HCwBD (Bull Dyke). I asked the resident BD in my office "her" thoughts and "she" said douche is total bull dyke (if that even makes sense).

-noobbag

2:57 pm November, 25 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Oh, and you got a little Ed Hardy stain on your pants there, Schmock Wearer. Let me get it off. With elephant pee.

I would have suggested the liberal application of napalm, but maybe elephant pee works ok.

3:00 pm November, 25 DarkSock said...

Schmock = Gay wife beater…brilliant.

These things are ridiculous. If you only saw the top half of this photo you'd ask "Why is this guy wearing a sun dress?".

The level of narcissist disconnect that allows someone to pull this off the rack, put it on in front of the mirror in Gaylord's changing room, and then say "Ooooh Yeah…lookin' gooood" is incredible.

Schmock is the new White Belt. Which Girl McWalken here is also wearing.

3:01 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Ahh yes the Scmock Bag found crawling in dingy night clubs run by cuban immigrants. Confusion over his sexuality is confounded by his propensity to where Rachels club bra and white thongs.
Rachel is Lebanese hott and looks unsure of this sleezy, mandanna wearing, Ed Hardy clone. Pink drinks and having your personal purple and green 'titilation' toys are a no-no…tough guy.

Regards,
Douche Pitt

3:03 pm November, 25 DarkSock said...

As the crimson fluid slowly filled the inside of his VacuuMaster Mark 5 Penis Enlarger Pump, Timmy began the realize that the "Do Not Exceed 10 Pumps" sticker on the side of the shiny Lexan shaft was for real…

3:06 pm November, 25 Bob said...

The schmock could equally be worn by a man-douche and lez-douche. The common thread? *Only* a douche would wear it.

3:12 pm November, 25 jonezy said...

the most horrific element in this pic is actually Mya's exuberance while being so close to this pud.

Perhaps she'll learn better by the time her quinceanera rolls around (it's like a bat mitzvah for you Jews out there)

3:30 pm November, 25 Cheadle'bag said...

Richard Simmons?

3:34 pm November, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Someone should call Star Jones-Defensive-Tackle and tell her she left her diaphram on the bar.

Oh, and hold that drink any more like a woman and some folks on this site might think you're gay or something.

3:48 pm November, 25 boatbutter said...

It's very nice of Maria to pose with that cancer victim. He should have a flannel blanket on his lap, not a yard of cosmopolitan.

4:22 pm November, 25 Captain Obvious said...

He-She's not extending her pinky finger properly. What is that anyway – a Baybreeze?

5:09 pm November, 25 bourbon bill said...

That is a chick.

5:36 pm November, 25 Bob the precision welder said...

That fucker stole my welder's cap!

I want it back.

6:08 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

I don't get it – where's the douche? I see two chicks

8:06 pm November, 26 Just Sayin' said...

Is that a Shriner's hat he's wearing? Will he ride her home on his little tricycle?

8:10 pm November, 26 Just Sayin' said...

Take a look at her right leg – I call photoshop.

12:24 am November, 28 Anonymous said...

he work at a tanning salon and is a tranny

10:42 pm November, 28 Anonymous said...

I think that's two chicks.

12:12 am November, 29 goatchowder said...

"Schmock" gets my award for the best neologism of the year. It is the perfect moniker for this contemptible garment.

5:12 am November, 29 Anonymous said...

Its not a girl or a tranny its actually a guy LOL and ive known him since he was a kid LOL i dont know if he knows hes on here ! i dont wanna be the one to tell him

D

2:07 pm November, 29 Derek Jeter said...

Sonofabitch…damn it, I knew I shouldn't have started hanging out with Jeff Reed. That cocksucker………..

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