Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Unknown Jersey


Say a prayer for The Unknown Jersey.

Marked neither by athlete name, sports team affiliation or jersey number, the Unknown Jersey wanders the clubs with only mandana, arm tatt and chin pube dribble to mark his identity.

Until he finds Gucci Prada teethy to hit on.

And then he is memorialized forever.

By the bouncer. Who throws him out.

# posted by douchebag1
5:03 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

He pronounces his shirt Ah-Dee-Dah (douchespeak for Addidas)

5:06 pm November, 24 Mr. White said...

There is one guy in his picture. And he is not wearing purple.

5:07 pm November, 24 End the Haberdouchery said...

Ok, so the six-pound watch is douche signifier, but what about the women's Seiko he's rocking here? That band is way too thin for a guy's watch.

And you, darling. Someone obviously paid a lot of money for you to get all that work done. The least you can do is get on a fucking elliptical once in awhile and stop hiding the Nutty Bars in your LV purse.

Mmm, Nutty Bars.

5:10 pm November, 24 UFO Destroyers said...

What's with the original Aunt Jemima look? Is he part of the cooking or janitorial staff? Why all the questions? Is it because she's a PTP with French tip nails and motorboatable tatas? I say yes.

5:11 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

Gucci Prada teethy Boobies

5:12 pm November, 24 doucheintheheartof texas said...

Ahmet is a star on the Las Vegas Generics of the NBA4 development league.

Gucci Prada is a pro in her own right.

5:14 pm November, 24 doucheintheheartof texas said...

anon @9:03
correctly pronouncing a brand name does not a douche make — correcting the pronounciation of someone else does…

5:21 pm November, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Chaz is the back-up point guard for the Lonely Baloney Ponies. He needs the Aunt Jemima rag to keep the sweat out of his eyes because of his "mad skillz" at NBA 2K10.

P.S. Showing off your appendectomy scar is not sexy. If it was Mrs. Dr. HoneyDouche would never allow me to wear pants. *shudder*

5:21 pm November, 24 Justin said...

Gucci Prada Gummy

5:23 pm November, 24 Justin said...

This looks like a party for singles with Down's Syndrome.

5:25 pm November, 24 Bob said...

Sad that a white guy can dress like a latino thug (sorta, anyway: that watch is gayer than Christmas) and still get at least some posing action with a quality hott like that. Sure she's had some work done, but still, boobie hottie suckle thigh is worth it. Smile and jumblies and legs, oh my!

5:31 pm November, 24 Harry Coinpurse said...

Looks like someone wears a Playboy Bunny sticker on her pooch when she is tanning…

5:41 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

Gucci Prada teethy Bleethy…

Yikes!

5:47 pm November, 24 Dental Douche said...

Yikes. She's still got all her baby teeth!

5:49 pm November, 24 Douche Wayne said...

He must be a Crip. I'm guessing the Basking Ridge, NJ chapter.

5:50 pm November, 24 Vin Douchal said...

He's got a photo of his Grammy in the locket around his neck

Teethy may be toothy but if she let me use that chain around her neck to choke her out when I made her cum, she'd follow me around like I had a pocket full of bacon and she was a puppy. In puppy love with my saucezeej.

I'd aim for that heart with my own special whitener.

Hey huntresses:

Do wimmin' make the carpet match the drapes when they do that thang to their hair?

5:51 pm November, 24 Douche Wayne said...

My wife works in neighborhoods where he would be shot. On. Sight.

5:55 pm November, 24 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I bet that N around her neck stands for Nowledge.

Or maybe "neck"?

5:58 pm November, 24 Vin Douchal said...

On the very top of his pointy head is a female connection for the Mr White Brand© Douche Recharger & Frolic Remote Controller

6:06 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

That's not a mandanna; it's a dander gutter.

She has baby corn teeth, Winona Judd pencil-brows, 80's porn lip gloss and man-hips. Gross.

6:10 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

I have nightmares where I'm at a bar, and I feel eyes on me, and I look up and see this guy giving me that look from Table 5….

6:12 pm November, 24 JoMama said...

Nice c-section scar, babe…

6:22 pm November, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Either there's a propane leak in my building that's f*cking with my head or these two are literal Frankenswine monsters.

Props to Vin Douchal for spotting the power cord dock in douchebag's head. In addition, his ears are too small for his head. His neck is bolted on the front of his chest. He's got an 8-y.o.'s girl scout's forearm, watch still attached. And what's with only three fingers? Ah, who uses the pinkey anyways, right?

And the Bleeth of Frankenswine? Her teeth are smaller than the one's my mom kept that fell out of my mouth when I was six. Her jaw goes up to the middle of her skull, and now it looks like Doc Frank just mixed up the ears 'cuz hers are bigger than the palm of her hand. And speaking of hands, her fingers are freakishly long. I mean freakishly. She has what, an extra set of knuckles? She could check her own ovaries for lumps.

My guess is if you pull back the mandana you'd see a zipper going all the way 'round and when you open it, there's just a note that reads "On Back Order".

My other guess is if you dared lift the denim skirt you'd see that ears weren't the only parts ol' Victor mixed up.

Igor needs to be kicked in the nuts for bringing these scraps back to the lab.

Bye all, gotta go jump off a burning windmill and into a crowd of rioting peasants.

6:27 pm November, 24 Justin said...

Where I come from, we call those tic-tac teeth.

6:38 pm November, 24 trey said...

What a whore!….and that chick is nasty….John Elway called, he wants his teeth back

6:50 pm November, 24 DarkSock said...

@ Scrotato

beautiful, especially the checking for ovarian lumps freak-knuckle imagery.

I first misread your post as saying he has a "cock-dock" on top of his head; silly me. The cock-dock's under his nose.

6:50 pm November, 24 pv1 said...

This is what i like to call the Bandwagonjumper 'bag. He'll root for any team that's hot at the moment. See: Atlanta Hawks.

6:52 pm November, 24 Douche Wayne said...

@ Justin

We call them Chiclet teeth.

6 of one, half-dozen of the other!

6:59 pm November, 24 hijodeodin said...

haha, he doesnt look like a holo solo pinchie, chavallah faboso total nada mas

7:02 pm November, 24 Hector, Tamer of Douches said...

Unknown Jersey Choad believed his All Dog's Go To Heaven timepiece would seal his immortal fate.

7:27 pm November, 24 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

I've seen this jersey before. It is for a team from Camden, New Jersey called "The Nads."

Their cheer? "Go Nads! Go Nads!"

This is their away jersey, blueballs blue.

7:40 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

The 'eyebrows', the gums, and the chin kinda freak me out.

@Scrotato: good call on the fingers. Yipes, I haven't seen anything that scary since "Gremlins".

7:51 pm November, 24 Anons Rule, "regulars" drool said...

I agree with the above poster. The giant chin may be hiding an adam's apple. Methinks "she" is a dude.

8:26 pm November, 24 Wheezer said...

If "she" is actually a he, then he's crossing those fingers hoping to avoid getting a boner.

8:41 pm November, 24 Troy Tempest said...

If she is a he, then "he" hada baby a few years ago by C-section.

No, people, she'sa girl. Just a really bleethy nasty thing.

8:58 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

Jaysus, a couple of Staten Island 'Bags if I ever saw them. Makes me embarrassed to tell people where I live.. but also makes me thankful in this joyous holiday season that I am a librarian-glasses wearing, normal-skin colored, Alice-in-Chains listening 23 year old Anti-Bleeth. I promise you guys, if I ever run into either of these steaming piles of poo at home on SI….

I'll throw it in reverse and hit them again.

-FrannyBeanz

8:58 pm November, 24 SpineChowder said...

I can't help but think this guy has starred in German vids with titles like "Can't Get No Scatisfaction"….

9:33 pm November, 24 Just Sayin' said...

As my late dad would say, she could do a job on an ear of corn.

9:50 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

I hate everyone.

9:54 pm November, 24 Anonymous said...

I hope he chokes himself in his sleep with one of three things he is wearing.

10:45 pm November, 24 Captain Bringdown said...

She might as well have Mike Tyson's fists implanted in those knockers for all the pleasure you'd get out of motor-boating them. Shitty boob jobs is why strippers get sued for battery.

And I seriously wouldn't put it past Tyson to get hauled away some day for pummeling someone senseless with a discombobulated pair of 34C boobs on his claws.

10:59 pm November, 24 Torque MuleBrow said...

I am aware of no reason a 43 year old bald man should EVER have that "Oops I did it again" look on his mug.

He needs a hagfish rammed into his urethra.

11:03 pm November, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Oh please, oh please, oh please let that hand behind her be moving at a velocity that will make their heads slam together producing that awesome hollow Three Stooges "Thunk"-sound. After that everyone can watch their heads implode due to the emptiness of what's not inside them.

5:05 am November, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

Unknown Jersey appears to have wandered away from an emergency room, AMA, and taken up with the latest streetwalker who was gettin' her Satudaynight checkup.

10:50 am November, 25 Steve L. said...

a douchebag does NOT need his driver's license or vehicle insurance papers when a cop pulls him over for a DUI. because all of his identification information would be safely enshrined somewhere in his mandana, arm tatt, and chin pube dribble.

6:23 pm November, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@ Frannybeanz

Nice. Don't stop running 'em down until its a smear of red.

Haven't seen you post before. Hope this isn't the last one. World needs more anti-bleeth mockers.

10:02 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

Tupac is dead. He was an asshole too.

11:17 pm November, 25 Anonymous said...

His look says "deep down I am a sensitive, caring guy, despite my lingering doubts about my history/sexuality/morality."

Leave a Reply

What is 7 + 9 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)