Friday, November 20, 2009

Vegas Hal


Vegas Hal isn’t major league douche. Sure he’s got the mini-faux popup head. The douchey tatts. The six pound watch. The white belt.

And, of course, apparently tweezed eyebrows. But it’s not the sneery punch-worthy kind of douche.

If Vegas Hal bats for the hometeam, I’d simply mark him a gaybag and be ready to dismiss him from the debate.

But Vegas Hal’s currying favor with Sexy Sandra suggests faux-gaybaggery, which is, of course, authento-douchery.

I call ‘bag.

And now, I will softly rub my flannel shirts from the early 1990s, hum angsty Stone Temple Pilots songs, and dream of brunette boobie marshmallow peeps.

# posted by douchebag1
5:20 pm November, 20 Captain Bringdown said...

Looks to be a Dane Cook Annoy-o-Bag variation. Not bad enough to make you stare in disbelief, but scrotey enough to warrant a quick glance and a "dude, fuckin' grow up" before you go back to stuffing quarters into slots.

5:21 pm November, 20 Vin Douchal said...

You KNOW where he'd like that iron fist rammed, dontcha?

I like her grip on that bottle.

.. Here ya go , babe, here's a roll of nickels, go nuts…

5:22 pm November, 20 Captain Bringdown said...

Does his birthday hat say "Buy me a twink?" Maybe gaybag after all.

5:24 pm November, 20 boatbutter said...

Nigel Tufnel called, he wants his shirt back.

5:24 pm November, 20 boatbutter said...

This douche goes to eleven.

5:25 pm November, 20 Hector, Tamer of Douches said...

i'll bet you he spends all night at the ring toss.

5:26 pm November, 20 boatbutter said...

The Missouri in me loves her flannel shirt – even if she'll put scabs where I don't want them.

5:26 pm November, 20 Anonymous said...

She is so adorable, she can even make teh teeny boobs look cute.

5:27 pm November, 20 DarkSock said...

He's not a gheybag.

He's a feybag.

Which is much much worse.

The eyebrows are reason enough to send him to weekly. Winona Judd called; she wants them back.

5:29 pm November, 20 DarkSock said...

Speaking of Stone Temple Pilot: I gots front row tickets to the STP concert at the Hard Rock next month. I'll be looking for them heroin tracks, Scott.

5:39 pm November, 20 massengill said...

Christian Slater meets Ed Grimley meets Ed Hardy.

Your tatts are lame.

5:44 pm November, 20 End the Haberdouchery said...

That arm tat puts the 'flame' in 'flaming homosexual' when he shoves it wrist deep in another man's rectum, making it look like his ass is on fire.

5:45 pm November, 20 Mr. White said...

@DarkSock

Nice. Let us know if Matt Stafford is there.

Now, in honor of STP and Sexy Sandra, I've reworked some lyrics:

Ti-iime to touch her boobs
Her flannel shirt is slightly open

Ti-iime to lick her neck
It's soft and white, no melanoma

Ti-iime to grab her butt, it's nice and firm
No conversation

Ti-iime to touch my shlong, to touch my shlong
To touch my shloo-oong

Conversation kills (my erection)
Conversation kills (my chances of getting into her pants)
Conversation kiii-iiillllss….

5:46 pm November, 20 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

He does not suffer from Greico virus, but rather the less deadly Seacrest virus.

There is a cure.

5:48 pm November, 20 Justin said...

Vegas Hal? More like Gaygas Hal.

5:56 pm November, 20 Crucial Head said...

My head is fuccen killing me. Where be the hair o' me dog?

6:14 pm November, 20 Wedgie said...

She is tasty. Her brother is gay, and this is probably not news to her, since they went to the salon together to get their eyebrows plucked.

And all of the male hairdressers already knew his name.

Please give us more of her, DB1. With or without the plaid, or clothing of any kind for all I care.

6:15 pm November, 20 Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein said...

Dig the size of the Fivehead on her.

ASvB

6:23 pm November, 20 creature said...

apparently Vegas Hal wants his sternum massaged with an Iron Fist…. from the inside

6:37 pm November, 20 Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein said...

He looks like Robbie Rotten from LazyTown.

ASvB

6:54 pm November, 20 Troy Tempest said...

He was born to be cool, but he inhaled enough merconium to cause brain damage from the resulting fever. Another consequence is that he can talk with his butthole, like Joseph Pujol. Back in the 1890s, a man who can fart loud and make it talk was good news. Today, not so much. So, doucheboy here keeps it on the QT.

However, at night, his butt talks to itself, muttering hateful incomprehensible proverbs – kind of like our own much loved FLYTEETH, only 100% douchie. Instead of "CRINYG SAALTEY FUCCEN TEARS FOR TARLMA" it's more like "Ize jess likes ta drink and bang da bitches".

Which is why he has never had a successful relationship, because everytime a lover stays with him, his butt starts making fun of them "yo babee, you fugggin skank come here and yank my crank you two bit cheap ass broken down whore." So, when he wakes up, he's always alone. So sad. Always alone, save for his insane talking butt.

6:56 pm November, 20 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I think that the pink fuzzies on his fauxhawk are they giveaway. He has that forced "I-want-everybody-to-believe-that-I'm-not-a-glory-hole-gobstopper-so-I'll-'hug'
-this-chick" look on his face. His scoliosis is circumstantial evidence of that he's a "power bottom" too. She looks like she's hugging one of her sorority sisters before a night out on the town. Vegas Hal I think not. More like a Flaming Moe.

6:56 pm November, 20 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

'Bag!

6:58 pm November, 20 Whoop-di-douche said...

She's what we call a "hot damn hot chick."

And from the looks of his tee-shirt, he can only be one thing: a chiropractic douchebag with a rare form of subluxated head.

Both are in need of deep, therapeutic manipulation.

7:00 pm November, 20 Troy Tempest said...

My post made me think about Pujol. I found a webpage about him here:

http://www.ooze.com/ooze13/petomane.html

7:05 pm November, 20 chainsawbuddha said...

Total gaybag!

7:09 pm November, 20 Flyteeth said...

@TRIOY

I USED TO TALKDF IN MY FUCEN SLEPE! NOW IEWEAR A BALL GAGA TO KEEP QUIEWTE SO I DONT FUCEN DISTRUBE THE SLEEPIGN TARMAL OF MY SKLAPWHOAR LADY FIRENDS! SOMEO OFDTHEM REALLYG ET INTO THE FUCEN GAGG THORUGH!

7:12 pm November, 20 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

There's just something about flannel that says, "bring me home to mom, take me on your camping trips, and sloppily rub on my chest." Quite the prized phenotype of hott. I love you Becca.

He on the other hand invokes the mantra, "go on, whoop my ass, I won't put up much of a fight."

7:13 pm November, 20 Flyteeth said...

I ALSO ENJOY SOME FUCEN STONE TARMAL PILOTS, LIKE THE ITNERSTATE FUCEN LOVE SONG:

WAITING ON A SUDNAY AFERTNOON
FOR WHAT I READ BETEWEEN THE LINES!
TARMAL!

FEELIJNG LIKE A BORKEN FUCEN HAND
SO DO YOU LAUGH< OR DOES IT CRY SALTY FUCEN TEARS?
REPLY!

LEAVIN ON A SLAPWHOAR TRAIN
ONLY YESTERDSAY, YOU WHOOORE!
PROMIESES OF WHAT I SEEMD TO BE
ONLY WHATCH THE TIME FUCEN GO BY!
ALL FO THIS SHITE$ YOU SAID TO M E!

TAMRAL! IS THE HARDEST THIGN TO FDO
WITH ALL IVE DSAID ALL THAT THE DEAD DSLAPHWOARS!
YOU LIED!

FUCEN BYE!

7:33 pm November, 20 Flyteeth's Campaign Manager (Flyteeth for Congress) said...

Well stated, Flyteeth.

You are a prince among men!

7:36 pm November, 20 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

I believe his 21 party hat says:

"Buy Me a Twink!"

7:53 pm November, 20 Fried Green Scromatoe said...

Anyone want to guess what Casino this maggot excriment was photographed in?

7:54 pm November, 20 Douche Wayne said...

Sandra Sayz:

"You must be this big to ride."

8:05 pm November, 20 Medusa Oblongata said...

You're not even allowed to take photos in a casino, anyone who's 1/4 serious about casinos knows that. So we have a clear-cut case of three asswipes who are looking to sponge off the free booze and have never been away from home overnight.

I also call gaybag. But as a huge fag hag, I'm really disappointed to see the young queerlets these days exhibiting such bad taste. If you can't trust a gay man to not make a fashion faux pas, who CAN you trust?

PS: @ FLYTEETH: I have the jumbo white silicone ball gag lubed up and ready for you. And let's play that one game where you pretend that you really, really hate it when I shove it up your butt. *kiss*

8:09 pm November, 20 El Caganer said...

fag bag and like an earlier post said, she is his sister.

8:09 pm November, 20 Flyteeth said...

@MEDUSSA

I DO HAATE IT!!

(WINK FUCEEN WINK!)

8:10 pm November, 20 El Caganer said...

Planet Hollywood?

8:15 pm November, 20 Fried Green Scromatoe said...

Well, the ceilings are high, so it eliminates the off-strip dives.
It looks kind of tacky, so eliminate Belazzio, Ceasars, etc.

I'm guessing Circus Circus or Excalibur

8:18 pm November, 20 bourbon bill said...

Hard Rock?

8:22 pm November, 20 Moby Douche said...

The moderate douchebaggery of this photo is quickly redeemed by Sexy Sandra's presence, splendidly giving rise to my loinal area like a phoenix.

8:25 pm November, 20 Wedgie said...

Hey, where is that Belazzio place, Fried Green?. I want to check it out.

Signed,

Never Been To Vegas

8:29 pm November, 20 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Not-a-douche. That shirt, those pants, and that hair says "gay." I don't even need to see his shoes to tell you that they're probably gay as all hell.

Besides, it's Hal's 21st birthday for cryin' out loud. Tomorrow it's back to working the front desk at 24 Hour Fitness and trying to get that English lit. paper done. Give the boy a break.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, holy crapping bandicoot Batman! Bewbees!

The tensile strength of that flannel shirt's button thread is amazing. They must be sewn on with some carbon nanotube embroidery thread.

Hawt damn!

8:31 pm November, 20 DarkSock said...

He's the lead singer of that emo band, "Asshole Confessional".

8:39 pm November, 20 Anonymous said...

Dude's (and by dude I mean gaybag) got HC eyes, just look at those lashes! And the pluck to boot.

-noobbag

8:42 pm November, 20 creature said...

In "Asshole Confessional" he plays the rectal trombone of lead singer "Gargantua Dupa"

8:54 pm November, 20 Anonymous said...

"Stone Tarmal Pilots"

FLYTEETH FTW.
+1 internets to you, sir.

9:01 pm November, 20 Fried Green Scromatoe said...

Wedgie…

I should have said Bellagio…
Its on the strip between Cesears and Monte Carlo… you can't miss it.

9:40 pm November, 20 Filthy McBaggin' said...

She's his fag-hag. He gives her eyebrow tweezing and skin moisturizer tips.

11:36 pm November, 20 Wheezer said...

Yes, he clearly spent much longer preparing for his big night "out" than did she. Those eyebrows of his are immaculately sculpted. Mr. White, can you calculate the slope of the tangential worry lines he botoxed out?

I think his party hat reads "Buy Me a Sock of Pink," but I could be wrong. Stupid fauxhawk.

11:37 pm November, 20 Wheezer said...

Oh, and she is verrrrry pretty. Maybe just a tad less eyeshadow and we'd see that even better.

12:24 am November, 21 Just Sayin' said...

The nation's gay men scream out "He's not ours, breeders, don't blame us!"

Bag 'im!

12:42 am November, 21 Hal E. Tosses said...

YOU JUTHT THTOP THITH INTHANITY, YOU BATHTURDTH! THITH ITH MY SHINING MOMENT!

1:51 am November, 21 Douche Bagelo said...

Douchetian Slater….

Note the comfortable stroke-instinctive grip she holds on that bottle, replete with bedroom eyes, Bona Lisa knowing smile and the subliminally suggestive pearly necklace! mmmm…mmmmm!!

2:13 am November, 21 Comment deleted said...

You know this photo's comin' down by Monday. Hottie here will be writing in to bitch and moan about how "really nice" this guy is and that we're "all jus a bunch o nasty h8rz an need 2 get lifes."

2:53 am November, 21 Doo Schnozzle said...

Gay Bag.

And don't let Mike Piazza (among a few other athletes) fool you.

3:58 am November, 21 Anonne Huntress said...

I think we're looking at some kind of genderbender. Sandra has a humongous forehead that makes her hair look like a wig.

In the words of the great Steven Tyler, "Dude looks like a lady!"

10:16 am November, 21 Steve L. said...

I AM I AM I SAID I'M NOT MYSELF
BUT I'M NOT DEAD AND I'M NOT FOR SALE
HOLD ME CLOSER, CLOSER LET ME GO
LET ME BE, JUST LET ME BE

… i have no idea how the above passage relates to this thread, but that is actually my favorite STP song of all time. because of the killer guitar solo two-thirds into the song.

Sexy Sandra can always hold me closer if she wants to though.

9:16 pm November, 21 joeEdo said...

his girl is light chocolate fluff that should be duly applied and eaten speedily.

10:43 pm November, 21 Anonymous said...

what the fuck is up with his face? he looks like jack nicholson as the joker…

3:03 am November, 22 Anonymous said...

That's Chris B from Chicago

5:21 am November, 22 Douche Bagelo said...

Chris Bag???

3:45 pm November, 22 Anonymous said...

Why is his head so big?

10:28 pm November, 22 Anonymous said...

X-ray reveals no guts. Also, doesn't the spine go in the back of a normal human?

7:52 am November, 23 Anonymous said...

A very unfortunate situation indeed. All the 'bag trates' are here,as pointed out by DB1 added to which our bag friend here putts from the rough. Young Daphne exibits the confidence and characteristics of a 'Hott' complteley shielded from the normal sexual advances, inuendo's and claw tactics of hetro, axe wearing, gel coated uber twats.
He has the masculinity of Elton John, TVO's Oprah and is the local Tupperware rep in his neighbourhood. Yes..a bag indeed made even more douchie by his sexual persuasion.

Regards,
Douche Pitt

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