Wednesday, December 2, 2009

HCwDB of the Month: Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel



Our twelfth and final doucheciples has been selected for the 2009 HCwDB of the Year. He is turd and she is blump-belly goodness.

And don’t forget Wretch Pic #2.

The voters speak:

Jacques Doucheteau: Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. If each square inch of tattoo added to his apparent IQ, he’d still be about as intelligent as a bowl of three-week-old tapioca pudding. He has tatts where his hair should be.

Captain Bringdown: Anyone who invested that much time and money to look so stupid deserves something. Maybe a baseball bat to the head, but I’m sure internet scorn and ridicule will suffice.

One for the Choad: He doesn’t have a chance in the Annuals, but Wretch-a-Sketch definitely gets my vote here. His parents have to just be sickened by his appearance. Plus, that is the tastiest looking zebra I’ve ever seen.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Wretch-a-sketch spends his entire meager 7-11 paycheck at the tattoo shop, leaving Jezebel to support his pathetic, douchey ass.

Dr. Bunson Honeydouche: I would gleefully tap dance on WaS’s face with golf shoes like Gene Kelly in “Singin’ in The Rain”. He reminds me of a NASCAR racing car that I hope meets a wall at about 155 mph. Parts flying everywhere, rolling over again and again until there’s nothing left. Was FTW! That’s right muthafukas I made a Gene Kelly reference.

Wheezer: I just want to stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry. And then steal Jezebel away for some de-bleething. Well, I want to do this with all the choads and their respective hotts, but Wretch is the putz with the least amount of reason (and “guns”) to be acting like a badass. The other choads at least finished puberty.

Medusa Oblongata: Wretch-A-Sketch, however, is pissing me off with the gangsta wanna-be nonsense. I like my stereotypes clearly defined. Big black gangstas making gang signs? Ok, I got it. Skinny white boys doing it? Douchey. Compton hardass with hat tilt? It fits. The guy who got shoved into lockers in highschool doing it? Puh-leeze.

Anonymous: Wretch FTW… his hott is magnificent. He makes me yearn for slap-bet

Wedgie: Wretch FTW. His hottie is hot and he is a large douchebag, albeit of the unusual circus freak variety.

David: Wretch and he gets my vote for the yearly too, there is just something inside me that screams run this clown down with your truck.

Cheesesock: Wretch-a-sketch has got this sewn up! Ridiculous over-tattitude, tan suckle thigh hott and sideways peace sign. This picture embodies everything wrong with our modern culture. F*ck my life.

Second and third place were a tie between Robopud and the sad, always a bridesmaid Kettlehead. Yet K-Head has his voters who appreciate scrotological consistency:

pv1: Kettlehead has been the most underrated ‘bag of the year. His body of work has been outstanding. I vote for him.

Mitch Cumstein: I fear that no torture even Dick Cheney himself could dream up would drive the full on douche expression/eyebrow lift from this Super Douche’s face. Perhaps a one man off-broadway reenactment of Bob Sagat’s version of “The Aristocrat”? Still nothing? The expression remains. The douchstrocity remains. The hate remains. Kettlehead, I fear, is indouchstructable. This ‘Bag Hunter is forced to retreat to his bunker to diligently prepare for the 2009 Douchies. To wait. And to vote.

Mike: Yanno, folks. We have some goofball putzbag douches here, but Kettlehead’s the guy that drives off with your girlfriend in his goddamned souped up f*cking Camry with the glasspacks and the spoiler.

… Und my name is Haaaansel: I still don’t understand how Kettlehead has been so soundly rejected. He has a stable of Hotts and multiple pictures to prove it. Further, like E-Blo (who no one doubts is a strong yearly contender), he makes the Exact. Same. Face. in every goddamn picture. The identical eyebrow placement is even more infuriating. Further, he may not be as ridiculous as the Wretch or Red Tony, he is *consistently* nauseating.

Vinny Scumbaglia: like the cut of Kettlehead’s jib. And, whatever a jib is, one can only hope one really sharp one snaps off near him real soon, and impales him right between the one raised eyebrow and the other unraised eyebrow.

Well said team, but Robopud and the Kimmy Hotties also found mock for Groin Shave Reveal:

Tadao: I’m gonna have to go with Robopud this month for the simple fact that I can’t stand the sight of him. Not that the other finalists aren’t certified douches, but let’s go down the line: Wretch is just a loser; Kettlehead seems kind of harmless despite his sunglasses at night and ‘tude eyebrow raise; Red Tony is inexplicably shirtless, but he’s just big and red (and looks a lot like Slider from Top Gun) – if he was orange that’d be another story. Robopud’s got the kind of face that screams, “Punch Me!”. And his hotts are pretty choice. Robo FTW.

Saving Private Guido: Robopud by a chin pube over Wretch-a-Sketch. Puddy represents all things upper-level Vegas weekend warrior scrote. He is the afterbirth of Miami nightlife. With spiked hair and doucheface with cocktail in hand, Robopud has come for your soul… and by soul, I mean the Kimmys. Because they are the essence of wet dreams – and Kimmy #1’s phatbottom/thigh combo hypnotizes my netheregions.

Vin Douchal: Robopud had but one photo to work with to raise the bile. He gets it done with everything from the shirt tuck ( which will smell like sweaty balls and Tinactin when he puts it back on to enter the casino at the Hard Rock) to the bookstore clerk ring alignment to the blow out all the air in my abdomen and make kissy lips pose. And doable, delicious bookend hotts. I want to spray him with mace.

And coming in a distant fourth place, due to ballot stuffing, was Red Tony. Later, Chumpy McJerz. Your redness is standard Guid, and nowhere near the Monthly. I turn it over to Jessica to take us home. Take us home, Jess:

Oh, Travesty Barker must win. He is not “just a skater punk” — to dismiss him as such is an affront to all skater punks. He is an important kind of douche that is underrepresented here: a small, stringy piece of So-Cal peckerwood detritus, a guy who thinks he’s living “rock n roll” with the tats and the ‘tude, but is clearly not. Only in California could a guy this skinny, ugly, fashioned-challenged and broke get a hot girlfriend. In a physical fight, Red Tony, Kettle and Robopud would all whoop the shit out of Travesty’s ass. But in this picture, safe from those baboons, this snide asshole mocks us. He needs to be checked.

And that just about says it all. We’ll see the Wretch and Jez in the Yearly at the 2009 Douchies. Did I mention they begin on Monday?

# posted by douchebag1
3:10 pm December, 2 The Desert Douchehunter said...

A well deserved win…

…and by well deserved I mean I'm not sure my stomach contents can deal with seeing him again next week.

*yack!*

Parden me…

3:43 pm December, 2 El Caganer said...

I still think Robopud. I am not convinced WaS isn't a carny.

3:44 pm December, 2 El Caganer said...

Kettlehead can't even win a loss.

3:51 pm December, 2 Captain Bringdown said...

congratulations WaS! Now you have something to brag about other than giving Jezebel's Grandmother heart palpitations last Christmas. Time to start saving up for that "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!" sign tatt over your bunghole before your eventual three month stretch in county. Say Hi to Plinky in there for us.

4:32 pm December, 2 Anonymous said...

No love for Red Tony?

4:39 pm December, 2 End the Haberdouchery said...

To the poop freezer with them all.

4:44 pm December, 2 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

The Douchies start on Monday?

I don't know if I'm mentally ready for that.

And by "mentally ready", I mean "I haven't been able to stock pile enough liquor yet".

4:47 pm December, 2 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

@ Haberdouchery

No way I'm allowing WaS into my poop freezer, I have to draw a line somewhere, and he is just too poopy.

That's right, too poopy for my poop freezer.

That's bad.

5:01 pm December, 2 Mr. White said...

Apropos of nothing, check out this watch. Sometimes, a giant watch just isn't enough. You need two giant watched attached to some kind of leather arm guard. Maybe it provides that extra "stimulation" during hardcore fisting…or would it be forearming in this case?

5:13 pm December, 2 End the Haberdouchery said...

Mr. White,

Are you not familiar with steampunk fashion? I found an early 1900's wood burning stove and turned it into my quad-core workstation. I have to use a zoetrope as my monitor, but it's totally badass.

SSS,

WaS would be a fister for any pipelining. No one will think less of you for shying away from such a specimen.

5:17 pm December, 2 Bagnonymous said...

Hard to argue against any of the shit-stains in this month's monthly, DB1. But NOT hard to want to beat them senseless, stuff them back into the infested vag's from whence they came, and then shoot their mommas for good measure. Cuz I'm retaliatory like that.

5:22 pm December, 2 Jessica said...

I'm so pleased that Travesty won, and so chuffed to have been quoted. I'm blushing. Thanks DB1!

5:23 pm December, 2 Anonymous said...

How this clown continues to win (lose) boggles the mind. He is a low level skate punk and he's laughing his anti social ass off. He's the type of guy who loves this type of recognition. With this win he'll believe that he has successfully rebeled against the man. I hope he's dragged down hard in the yearly.

5:35 pm December, 2 Mr. White said...

@end the haberdouchery

I'm aware of steampunk in general, but I didn't realize it extended into fashion. It could actually be cool…until the bags find it and co-opt it for their own.

7:02 pm December, 2 Douche Bigalow said...

Robopud was robbed, and by robbed I mean "given a Ben Gay enema and a standing rimjob by Bagpoleon".

8:24 pm December, 2 Bob said...

My hats off to WaS. Your stinks was enough to overcome your being behind in other classic douche traits to seal the win. And by "seal the win" I mean "make me weep for the human gene pool".

8:50 pm December, 2 EdHardy Boy said...

Ballot Stuffing? Bullshit! How about all the increased traffic to the site because of Red Tony?

9:23 pm December, 2 Anonne Huntress said...

DB1 doesn't have to worry about artificial traffic.

Anyway, way to go nimrod! Got yourself disqualified for being an obvious idiot!

9:55 pm December, 2 EdHardy Boy said...

Hmm by artificial traffic I think you might mean that hundreds of people who have never heard of this site before now have been to it…….that's usually the point of a website…to increase traffic.

Has nothing to do with being obvious…each person that put their vote in was an individual person not some droid…there wasn't some dumbass reposting the same shit each time

10:38 pm December, 2 Red Tony's "right hand man" is upset and said...

"Has nothing to do with being obvious…each person that put their vote in was an individual person not some droid…there wasn't some dumbass reposting the same shit each time"

Uh huh. You checked all the IP addresses, didn't you? And you found them all to be different, natch.

Yeah. Right. Go play in traffic.

10:38 pm December, 2 Red Tony's "right hand man" is upset and said...

"Has nothing to do with being obvious…each person that put their vote in was an individual person not some droid…there wasn't some dumbass reposting the same shit each time"

Uh huh. You checked all the IP addresses, didn't you? And you found them all to be different, natch.

Yeah. Right. Go play in traffic.

2:49 am December, 3 pv1 said...

Red Tony's aides forgot this isn't Iran (where it is perfectly illegal to stuff the ballots)

3:59 am December, 3 Steve L. said...

whoa so this is what happens in HCwDB when you stuff the ballots.

7:17 am December, 3 Whoop-di-douche said...

This jerk-off is beyond douchebag. He is even beyond enemabag. He is clearly and poopily one of those Alaskan pipeline bags: a hardcore reverse piece of shit.

He's like the schoolkid dumbshit who sits in class and doodles all day, week after week, and decides to enshrine his inklings permanently onto his flesh.

At least the sailors of yore had the good sense of getting a few tatts and then taking the desire for such extremes to whalebone by scrimshawing their folk art thataway.

I just had to say this now because I am tired of cleaning the vomit from the bathroom floor every time I get a visual of this wretched, inked graffiti poser. AND what the HELL is SHE doing with HIM???

He's just another future guffaw for the emergency room nurses' joke collection. You ought to hear what some say (LATER ON) when trying to insert a catheter into an inked dick.

Seriously DB1, there ought to be a Rod Steiger Award for the worst Illustrated Man Tatts.

Leave a Reply

What is 7 + 11 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)