Thursday, December 10, 2009

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott

The 2009 Douchie Awards continue here at HCwDB with “Hottest Girl Next Door Hott.” But before you vote, yours truly got some press over at Slate. I’m “crude but cultured.” Must’ve been all that organic yogurt.

Here’s your finalists:

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #1: Cynthia


A partner of HCwDB winner Orange Derek Jeter Head from all the way back in February, Cynthia is filled with barely legal life/joy.

Here she is again, in all her sweet gloriousness.

Cynthia’s innocent status is belied by her choice of chest shaved orange finger throwing Derek Jeter Head.

In a hoodie.

With a giant orange head.

Flipping the bird.

But that’s not the category. The category is “Girl Next Door” hottness. The older sister of your best friend hottness. And Cynthia is curvy and her smile cures shingles, lupus and a fractured Lacanian psyche.

Her jeans shorts won an award in Copenhagen.

“Best Jean Shorts.”

I’m serious.

I would gnaw.

Then fall softly asleep in the laundry closet, whimpering.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #2: Sienna

Shiny Head Sheldon’s partner from early September has the haunting eyes that send ships to war and Zoroastrian priests to self flagellate with fishing twine.

Sheldon is greasy douchitude.

But Sienna is a complex kaleidoscope of stained glass goodnesss.

Sheldon is everything greased up and fractured about the male psyche in the age of pressure and constraint.

But Sheldon’s forehead, already up for a government contract to Halliburton, is not what’s in discussion here.

Sienna is.

Tiny, smiley, shy Sienna. I would rub your ankles softly with chamomile lotion, then slap myself with In-n-Out burgers until I passed out in the back seat of an abandoned Chevy Malibu.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #3: Ashlee

From Ashlee’s Spring Break in mid April, Ashlee is the thin, awkward and shy collegiate perfection we, and I mean the royal We, all collectively dream about.

And by dream about, I mean butt butter fondle with a spatula and a small Brazilian named Pepe on standby for assistance.

Ashlee studies hard for all her classes.

She’s home for every Thanksgiving.

As such, we should appreciate her Girl Next Door charms, just as we want to yank on Simian Frank’s annoying chinstrap with a cheese grater.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #4: Stephanie

Looking bizarrely similar to Ashlee, suggesting your humble narrator, the DB1 has a subconscious thing for coy brunettes with glorious smiles, Stephanie is all that’s holy in Antwerp, and all that’s buttgrabby in Guadalcanal.

Here Steph is, pictured along with Lumpy from back in June.

Stephanie’s hauntingly coy smile tasks me through the waking hours, inspiring continuing drinking problems involving cheap wine and televisual therapy via proxy figures on talk shows.

And yes, all four of your choices are looking off to their right of the camera.

I do not know why this is.

I do not know why my socks smell like gouda.

Vote now.

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 11 + 7 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)