Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Orangest Orange

We’ve had an epic run of Orangebaggery this year, and this category was nearly impossible to cull down to four tangerine finalists. But cull I must.

Here’s your finalists:

Orangest Orange Finalist #1: The Orange Cactus

From back in March, and a reader tag no less, the Orange Cactus never got the full mock that his Arizonian cactii doucheyness deserves.

The O Cactus is real world ridiculousness.

At a party where mugging up on girls dressed as an extreme uberdouche barely registers.

The ladies are embarassed and more than a little disturbed.

For the Cactus is very…

very…

Orange.

Orangest Orange Finalist #2: Cheeto Man

Cheeto Man first appeared in July, and while pungent in super-douchosity, lacked the requisite heterosexuality and quality hott counterpoint to advance up the ladder of the Weekly and Monthly douche chain.

Cheeto Man’s second pic only further denatured the threat by hinting at extreme lightness of loafers.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It only makes for a less toxic HCwDB pic, since the lady is rendered ultimately unthreatened.

Cheeto Man is freakish.

Cheeto Man is disturbing.

Cheeto man scares kittens, lemurs and other assorted small woodland creatures.

He’s also really freaking orange.

Orangest Orange Finalist #3: The Poopaloompa

Some have charged that Mr. Loompa is actually a photoshopped pic.

I certainly can’t tell, as it looks real to me. But, either way, this is a Yearly contestant and an Orange finalist, so I’m going with it.

The Orangenesss is manifest poostiny for the Poopa, and Jane’s pale complexion only further marks it in relief.

The Poompa is freakazoid anime douchebag, every bit Ming the Juiceless.

But enough to win Orangest Orange? That remains to be seen.

Orangest Orange Finalist #4: Mammy Miami

Okay, Mammy Miami’s more “poo” than Orange.

But I’m not 100% certain that he’s in the “bronze” weightlifting category (although he probably is), so he’s earned his way as a 2009 Douchie Finalist.

M. Miami and the less than A-list Svetlana first appeared in early June and quickly became legend.

For summoning the worst Al Jolson, George Jessel, blackface racist American past that our media never mentions, Miami deserves credit for foregrounding our cultural amnesia.

Don’t think of it as douchey over-tanning.

Think of it as cultural critique.

So them’s your four. Just think of all the ‘range that didn’t make the cut. Guido Buttchinsky, Orangina, Orange Psycho, , Orange Poolius, The Turnips and Orangeness as Signifier. Although Signifier is more in the “smells like poo” category.

I eliminated pro body-builder types like Poo, as I want this to be a true vote for douchosity. And don’t forget Anne Hathaway starring in The Devil Tans Orange and The Devil Tans Orange II.

But we can only vote on our finalists. Which deserves the 2009 Douchie?

Vote and make orange juice, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 5 + 6 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)