Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Last of the Preppy 'Bags

And you thought the Preppybag disappeared along with Andrew McCarthy’s career some time in late ’92.

On an unrelated note, yesterday’s posting of groin shave revealing, ubergay E-Blo deserves HCwDB recourse.

Therefore, there will be a quality and rare Tuesday Ass Pear coming your way later today. It will heal all.

Welcome to HCwDB!

HCwDB is getting a bunch of new readers lately, and if you’re new, I’d like to take a moment to welcome you to the hottie/douchey dialectics.

Come for the douchebags. Stay for the boobies.

You may ask: What about the people in the pics? Isn’t it mean to make fun of them?

What you must realize is that the people in these pics do not exist. Once we reclaim them and tag them our own, the image ceases to be linked to its originary past and becomes a fully denatured abstraction, a hallucination that echoes the real only in the most superficial of senses.

The hottie/douchey dialectics are our spectral Rorshach test. Our deepest mirror stage, refracting the Primal Scene through the lens of the name-brand cultural capital of the mass media age.

We pluck the “image” from the ether. We recontextualize its meaning through collective participation. And, in so doing, our oppositional phantasm generates a completely new meaning devoid of the singular authorial intent of those nominally “in” the pictures we mark our own.

Over time, many linguistic short cuts have developed to describe the many permutations of choadscrote and the hotts that love them. Terms like “Bleeth” and “Scrote” may seem confusing at first. The best way to pick up the language is to either read the admittedly outdated FAQ, or to buy the HCwDB book, which has a glossary of terms in the back.

Or just keep reading.

All will become clear in due time.

The Doucheclops

The Doucheclops always gets left out of abridged versions of the required high school text, Douchelysses.

Meanwhile, Shen Chi reconsiders her decision to enroll in the Mail Order Bride program.

Even though it brought honor to her father’s village in northern Xianpieu, guaranteeing an extra rice shipment per fortnight for the elders to barter with for grain, razors and shoelaces.

The Eurobrow

Hey Uter, why the long face?

Mmm… I would lightly spritz honeydew scented holy water stolen from the natural springs of Lourdes uponst Monica’s soft, supple bosoms, and then weep silently into my childhood blankie until she checked her Swiss-to-English dictionary for the words for “where is the nearest taxi stand?”

Linguini Frank

Linguini Frank reminds us that musician shlurds mugging the hotts continues into the New Year.

We can relax. But we must remain vigilant.

Mary Anne Sue-Jane Smithjohnson on the right wants to spank my debutante plantation.

And who am I to argue with an aristocrat?

Christmas Nub on HCwDB

Old friend of HCwDB, Nub, is gettin’ his Christmas chin pubes on.

No HCwDB of the Week this week. Your humble narrator is in New York, enjoying tasty pastries at Veniero’s and quality pizza at Lombardi’s.

However, questions from the 2009 Douchies remain.

Did the fact The Poopaloompa went home without a trophy represent the worst miscarriage in awards show history since Scorsese’s Raging Bull lost the Best Director Oscar to Robert Redford for the craptastic Ordinary People?

Perhaps.

But we do have an answer for the most troubling question of all of 2009: What in the world could possibly make E-Blo brake his soulless stare and actually smile?: Why, greasing up with a bunch of dudes, of course. (warning: Pic is ubergay)

I know. Not fair to hit you with greased up smiling E-Blo so early on a Monday. Don’t you fret. There’s some good pics that have come in recently, and I’ll be running ’em as we lead into Christmas.

HCwDB of the Year: Smoot and Crystal

What more can be said, as we crown our HCwDB couple for 2009?

Only that our voting thread was epic deconstruction, and should be studied by talmudic scholars for many years to come.

Smoot and Crystal. Cystal and Smoot.

All that is hottie/douchey and douchey/hottie about our world we live in in 2009.

The run begins, followed by pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.

A well earned prize of superdouchosity and tasty hottitude.

Well done, everyone. Except Smoot’s parents.

Here are your 2009 Douchie Award Winners:

Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl
Douchiest Tattoo: Rated “P” For Poo
Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk
Douchiest “Athlete”: Jeff Reed
Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott
Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun
Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinsky
Greasiest Grease Stain: A Clockwork Orange
The Ricky Award: Sammy
Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag’s Alana
Douchiest Imitation of Deathtongue: The Hurt Licker
Best Friday Ass Pear: Ass Pear La Plante
Best Golden Globes: Raquel
Best Golden Globes II: The Eiffel Towers
Orangest Orange: Cheeto Man
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Cynthia
Douchiest Home Video: Mikey Batz Frolics in the Parking Lot
Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag
Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted
Most Annoying ‘Bagling: Suburban Pimp
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Sterilizer
Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag
Douchiest Facial Hair: The ‘Stachebagger
Douchiest New ‘Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal
Douchiest Baguette: Lips McGee
Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky
Douchiest ‘Bagcessory: Blackerry Bob
Smells Like Poo: Poo
Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim in 2023: “Pool Pear”. Additional Art Awards to: Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Tiger Woods and the Nanny
Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa

And of course…

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche

Rather than do a ‘Bag hunter and huntress of the Year, I’ve decided to induct a Class of 2009 of our best and brightest ‘bag mockers from the comments thread. Joining the 2008 Class (Baron Von Goolo, DarkSock and the Late Pfah) will be the following:

Troy Tempest, Steve L, Wheezer, Medusa Oblongata, creature, Crucial Head, Mr. White, Archidoucheis, Mr. Biggs, Vin Douchal, Sergent Scrote Stain, boatbutter, Captain Bringdown, Whoop-di-douche, Jacques Doucheteau, massengill and Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche.

Also special ‘Baghunter Pic Awards to George S. and Il Douché.

This is not to discount the many other superb ‘bag hunters and huntresses, all of whom remain eligible for the 2010 induction class (with a number of promising leads already). Only that we most canonize those whose tireless commitment to mocking/lusting carries this site onward into a new decade.

Them’s your 2009 Douchie Awards.

Your humble narrator, The DB1, just arrived in New York for three weeks of alcoholism, pursuing urbane New York hotties who brush by him quickly, and, of course, extensive mocking of Bridge and Tunnel Guids.

Yup. I’se is gettin’ drunk already.

Hottest Hotts of the Year: Rachelle and Clarissa

I was gonna do a two-hott sapphic faceoff, but ran out of time on the calendar as the 2009 Douchies wind down. So we’re going with a co-award. Two winning Hotts of the Year.

Although if you’d like to vote your preference, we can do an informal vote in the thread.

Hottest Hott of the Year #1: Waxy McBrow’s Rachelle

Barely beating out Josephine in a four boob race, Rachelle’s curves snuck in and stole the prize.

Don’t forget the run of pics with Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co.

Curves so good, they’s redonkulous. Curves so good, I just used the word “redonkulous,” causing Merriam to sucker-punch Webster in the nadsack.

Justin: Rachelle is primo delicioso. Lines of coke appear magically on her thigh as if laid out by tiny Colombian/liliputians (look at the pic). Pretty, sexy, and probably a little bitchy, she is the best hott in this bracket.

HusslinHoosier: Rachelle, I want to use her mounds as a pickle polisher.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Rachelle looks like a stripper, but with those mamms, well, goddammit I just don’t care. Rachelle FTW

notadouche: Rachelle. She makes me thirsty.

Archidouchies: I’m going with Rachelle because she, unlike Minnie, doesn’t go for a man with a shaven groin. So I got that going for me.

Maxim Kovalenko: Rachelle, who looks neither pre-cancerous, or too surgically enhanced, FTW. And the fact that she hasn’t been proved to be a total idiot helps her cause too.

Well done, people. And since the voters required a second round of hott voting, we also have:

Hottest Hott of the Year #2: Super Baggio’s Clarissa

With a three pic run, beginning in late July, then a Friday Haiku, and then ‘Baggio’s response (pictured here), Clarissa ran the gauntlet of high class west coast hottitude.

Barely beating out the surging (and Hall of Hott appealing) single pic’d Mariah, and with Charleez and Francine splitting the spankable blonde ticket, Clarissa explains it all.

Sergeant Scrote Stain: This is a fine grouping of semifinalists, each with their own buxom merit. But alas, I am only one man, with only one vote, and that vote goes to Clarissa. Her beauty would send me into a catatonic episode characterized by the muttering of incoherent swear words and profuse drooling if she so much as looked me in the eyes. That means she’s hott. Very hott. Autism inducing hott, which is the hottest type of hott.

massengill: Can’t believe I forgot about Super Baggio’s Clarissa. Clarissa FTW.

toddjerad: Based on hot chick standards alone, there is no way clarissa is not the hands down winner. She’s like a perfect cross between a fake boobied jessica simpson and a baby fawn drinking from the fountain of nirvana. The others are gorgeous, but there can be only one clarissa.

Skyler: Clarissa. I’m motivated by Super Baggio’s almost nottadouche qualities, which makes me think all the more of her. Oh, and boobies.

Wheezer: Clarissa Extends Them All – you know what I mean by “extends.” But give all the hotts a celebratory Pumpy boob grab. They all deserve such a participation trophy.

This is one of those categories where we’re all winners. And by winners, I mean boobies.

Celebrity HCwDB Couple of the Year: Tigerpud and The Nanny

Yeah, probably an obvious choice. But I like to keep the HCwDB topical around here.

At first I was gonna go with Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox. Especially since his initials spell “BAG.” But then I realized that Brian Austin Green isn’t a celebrity.

So I settled on Woodsbag and Elin Gutmundsdaughter.

Granted, Tiger doesn’t look or act douchey. But that run of whorin’ is so skankerific, especially when his wife is this hott, that they have to get the 2009 Douchie Award.

And she is Nordic glorious. Her DNA pleases Joseph Mengele and sails to Greenland in a Viking rucksack.

Of course, I probably should’ve given it to Criss Angel for the second year in a row. For that man sucks alpaca teat.

But this year, it’s another trophy for Tiger. And, in HCwDB awards, he’s leading Nicklaus 1-0.

The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag

This year’s Douchie Award for the year’s scrotiest Oldbag keepin’ on keepin’ on is named in honor of the legendary Yellowtail.

And it goes to the creepy undies poke and Sonny Bono vest wearing The Leatherbag, from October. The Leatherbag made two more disturbing appearances here and here. Yeesh. Nice undies poke, Dad.

Shriveled mention to The 70s Record Producer ‘Bag and Marty Oldbag.