Thursday, December 3, 2009

Reader Mail: Hotts Don’t let Hotts Date Douches

—-
Hi Douchebag 1!

I have an acquaintance of an acquaintance who has added me on facebook.

She seems like a very nice girl. I think she’s either german or polish and suuuper hot. Unfortunately for her, she seems to love douchebags.

I am a heterosexual female, and I feel like your site may be able to cure her of her poor choice in companions. I don’t know her well enough to say anything to her myself, and hopefully a post from your site will get back to her and she will see the error of her ways.

All I’m saying is: acquaintances don’t let acquaintances swim in the douche pool.

Sincerely,
HC W/O a DB in LA

P.S.- I think a lot of her DB’s are euros… is there a clause regarding euro douchebags? I mean, I kind of feel like we made them do this shit. Wait… nevermind Christian Audigier is a euro and it’s all his fault.
—-

You are correct both to note her propensity for Euroscrote, and also the need for collective mock on the internet as the best form of shock therapy to cure her of these poor life choices, HCWOaDBinLA.

Globally speaking, there are three countries responsible for the scrotal plague. America (global douche product hegemony), France (Audigier) and Italy (source Guidosity). Together, these three countries form the Axe-is Powers.

# posted by douchebag1
8:46 pm December, 3 Crucial Head said...

Dear HC w/o DB in LA,

Indeed. It warms the cockles of my heart to see you are sans DB. Strangely enough, I am a regular guy (RG), albeit with a few minor fetishes for small quadrupeds and fruit flavored candies, who is seeking an HC. As you may have heard, my wife tragically passed away yesterday, after I accidently pushed her off a cliff in Palos Verdes. I wept for at least an hour and a half afterwards.

That said, I would gladly accept your willingness to console my loins in their dire time of need. Together, we could be HCwRG.

Holla!

8:48 pm December, 3 Anonymous said...

Second

8:49 pm December, 3 Anonne Huntress said...

We have to face a certain fact: some chicks just dig douches.

In her case, it is probably cultural. Just like how in Miami, LA and other sections of this country, douchosity is the norm in certain social circles that involve beautiful women and lots of cash. Not surprising that she would like douches.

8:49 pm December, 3 Bagnonymous said...

HCWOaDBinLA = BobDobalina?

8:53 pm December, 3 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

My taint is enthusiastically both simultaneously tickled and warmed by the fact that there is a HC in LA who cares not only for the environment, but also her ability to re-educate her acquaintances away from the filth that resides in the douche pool…otherwise known as 'ReHab'.

And by 'environment' I mean, L.A. smells like pee…which is ok, 'cause I'm kind of a micturitionpheliac like that.

*call me*…

8:54 pm December, 3 DarkSock said...

That woman's bra appears to be made from highly adhesive Donkey Jizz.

That comment contributed nothing to the conversation at hand, but nonetheless I was moved to make it.

I regret nothing.

8:55 pm December, 3 The Observational Specialist, Jr. said...

Europe is blurry.

9:00 pm December, 3 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

That woman's bra contains remnants of Michael Jackson's snail trail.

9:05 pm December, 3 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

That woman's bra is shinier than plinky's mom's fingers after an afternoon of slow cooked dolphin cock consumption.

9:06 pm December, 3 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

That woman's bra contains no less than 50,000 tiny crab lice with flashlights.

9:12 pm December, 3 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

That woman's bra is more sparkly than a vampire in Las Vegas at 'Rehab' at high noon.

9:16 pm December, 3 Douche shower and shave said...

Libarace would be proud to sport her bra.
Euro douche appears to have a bleached out miniture donkey dong strapped aroud his neck.

9:19 pm December, 3 Jean Claude Van Douche said...

That woman has watched too many Lady Gagoncock videos.

9:23 pm December, 3 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Madonna called,

She wants to have a shiny titted threesome with twinkle titts and myself.

Offer's on the table,

S Cubed

9:26 pm December, 3 DarkSock said...

If she wanted that much attention drawn to her chest she could have simply taken off the bra.

Her bra is shinier than Yaphet Kotto's forehead.

9:26 pm December, 3 The Desert Douchehunter said...

Wait, wait, wait!

You are a hott who hates douchebags and you live in LA? Wow! You really are all alone in enemy territory, aren't you? I suggest you forget about your friend. It's time for self-preservation – just drop everything and run girl! Don't stop until you reach the Arizona border. The non-bleath life you save might be your own.

9:27 pm December, 3 DarkSock said...

Her bra is brighter than Stephen Hawking fellating Einstein.

wait

what?

9:30 pm December, 3 DarkSock said...

Her bra is more sparkly than Paris Hilton's diamond vibrator.

9:31 pm December, 3 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

^ Desert Douchehunter

Arizona will not be a suitable hideout, Scottsdale is a haven for the scrotal kind.

I recommend Santa Barbara, I will graciously allow Miss HCwoDB to stay with me.

No further sexual inneundo will be needed.

9:32 pm December, 3 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

My father-in-law is balding, has stubbly facial hair, sports smoked aviator glasses, button-up shirts with the sleeves cut off, and pants that are too tight. The fact that he is only 5 ft. 2 inches tall does not dissuade me from considering that I may in fact be related by marriage to the dude in this photograph.

My father-in-law is, however, incapable of pulling a hottie like the one in question; only a douche could do that sporting such a f*cked up outfit.

My father-in-law may be a goofy looking dwarf, but he is no douchebag.

Dear HC w/o DB in LA,

Given your friend's taste, may I suggest she come to Utah and hook up with my father-in-law? And, oh, I don't know, you could, you know, tag along and we could, you know, we could cook some s'mores and stuff, maybe drink some Boones Farm Tickle Pick wine, and watch the Mormon Missionaries as they migrate south for the winter in their dark suits atop their shiny bicycles.

Oh, and snuggle.

Naked.

9:37 pm December, 3 Pömmelhorse Pümmelfister said...

Jerkin' the Gerkin.

9:43 pm December, 3 Mr. Biggs said...

I heard R Crumb speak the other day and he actually had a really good analysis of French mating customs – which he called completely beyond his understanding.

He said the French male dresses up as the peacock and the most flamboyant one gets the woman or something like that. Certainly answers some questions about our own douche plague.

9:45 pm December, 3 DarkSock said...

She has a shiny iPhone accessory also; she shorted it out dialing herself.

9:46 pm December, 3 Lance of Notabaggingham said...

Iwas told douchebags originated in Wankertown, a burgh with places like Bag Boulevard and Douche Drive, Scrote Street; a sweet place where suckle-thighs seemingly grow on trees, and by trees I mean I would experience blindness just to wander on her tatted spots.

9:50 pm December, 3 DarkSock said...

@ Mr. Biggs

I'm jealous. I'm fairly gay for R. Crumb as I'm an amateur cartoonist myself (voted in my HS yearbook as most likely to be cartoonist for Penthouse Magazine; true story).

If any of you haven't watched the documentary "Crumb", do so but be warned, it is horrendous. It disturbs me to this day. And creeping out DarkSock is like outdrinking Boris Yeltsin.

And go buy Crumb's new illustrated Book of Genesis, then do 20 hail Mary's of penance for even touching the sacrelidge.

9:52 pm December, 3 bagwagger said...

Eurodouche bears more than a passing resemblance to Fish Slap. Fuck him.

10:01 pm December, 3 Troy Tempest said...

If any of you haven't watched the documentary "Crumb", do so but be warned, it is horrendous. It disturbs me to this day. And creeping out DarkSock is like outdrinking Boris Yeltsin.

And to show you how "out there" I am, I just thought it was funny. I used to step over his brother when I lived in SF. His bro was a homeless dude in the the Mission. Total fucking wackjob.

You want something to creep you out? Liquid Sky. That's one fucked up movie about horrible people. OR Eraserhead. That's another one that induces hallucinations…

10:01 pm December, 3 Anonymous said...

SarkSock you don't often misspell but 'sacrelidge'? C'mon …..

10:06 pm December, 3 Anonymous said...

That was me^^

10:07 pm December, 3 Anonymous said...

@Anon 2:06pm

Quit claiming comments that weren't yours. That was me you shitsmear.

Can't you read my name????

10:10 pm December, 3 Crucial Head said...

Isn't reading the regular Book of Genesis… the one written by Moses creepy enough?

11:05 pm December, 3 The Desert Douchehunter said...

@ Mr. Biggs

The only answer to the douche plague I'm interested in involves a portible generator, the jaws of life and a foot-wide hole in the douche's chest.

…but that's just me.

11:08 pm December, 3 Captain Bringdown said...

I don't recall anything in Genesis about blurry sparkly titties. Might be, but I think I'd remember something like that.

Douchewad could be something out of one of Paul's bad trips though.

11:13 pm December, 3 scrotum pole said...

Actually, I think Moses wrote The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

11:17 pm December, 3 Captain Bringdown said...

I thought he wrote Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds.

11:23 pm December, 3 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Mr. Scrotato Head 1:32

For a second there I thought you were my son-in-law. Until you got to the 5'2"-tall part. And then I remembered that I don't have a son-in-law. Have you been hacking into my computer and posting pictures of me on Facebook? "Oh, I'm a douchebag threatening legal action if you don't take my picture and all commentary down about me. And I'll eat your children, unborn and alive!"

Writing exams makes me cranky and forgetful.

Now what was the question again?

11:24 pm December, 3 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I thought Moses wrote "The Canadian Mounted".

11:25 pm December, 3 DarkSock said...

@ Troy

That brother was Max Crumb. In the movie he swallows a long rag which wends its way through his colon until he excretes it, as a cleansing ritual. But that's not the creepy brother.

Oh no.

That would be Charles Crumb…*shudders*

No one I've urged to see that movie thanked me.

Vanilla Sky…I saw it many years ago but I was wigged out on acid and Taaka so I remember little of it. Or maybe that was Little House on the Prairie I was watching…the grass looked AMAZING…or maybe that was Michael Landon's wavy locks…or that blonde chick the aliens were after…yeah, strange movie. Or show.

Acid = bad.

11:33 pm December, 3 SpineChowder said...

she has a matching neck bra for her jaw tits.

Classy!

11:40 pm December, 3 scrotum pole said...

I watched The Sound of Music while under the influence of Ny-Quil, but fell asleep during the opening credits.

11:48 pm December, 3 Gaseous Clay said...

Wait, Charleton Heston wrote the Book of Genesis?

Sincerely,

Gaseous Clay

“Fart like a butterfly, stings when I pee”

12:03 am December, 4 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

Confucius say, "Man who cut sleeves off shirt is a stupid fucking douchebag!"

12:52 am December, 4 Bob said...

These three countries are the source of the plague, db1, but I'm afraid the stain on humanity is pretty much across the globe now. You look in the most sullen of former-East Bloc countries now, and what do you find in the discos? Douchebags.

It's just so… disheartening.

2:45 am December, 4 scrotum pole said...

USA, France and Italy, indeed, the Axe-is of Evil.

This will not stand.

The Global War on Doucheism is an ongoing battle.

We will fight them on the streets, we will fight them in the pools we will fight them in the clubs. This is our finest hour.

Beware, however of the Dominoe Theory. We've already seen that theyve infiltrated into Mexico. Ask yourself, can Central and South America be far behind?

3:46 am December, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

LOL yeah that was a great and rare event. As for his Illustrated book of Genesis, I think his whole point was to show just how creepy, violent and non-Disney that book really is. It's like, do religious people actually read that book? Not that it's any different from most ancient texts (Iliad, Gilgamesh, Beowulf), but still.

I plan on buying his Genesis book soon enough, but I really liked his compendium "My Troubles with Women." I think it's a must-read for any pro bag-hunter/huntress on this site. He has some real keen observations on who gets the hot chicks. And as he puts it, "I don't want to BE like them, I just want what they have."

As for the douche plague, I think Dante said it best: "Behold the real victor of spoils and profits, behold the douche monster that infects the world."

But much as we like to, we can't fight it by ramming a spear in a douche's chest. We just get called hatahs and get an assault charge. Instead, we attack the source in finding those vintage moments where a poopile can corrupt an innocent, and the world responds. Culture everywhere is already changing to reflect it.

Anyway, I've babbled enough.

3:58 am December, 4 DarkSock said...

Oh but if DB1 would squander his earnings to commission R. Crumb to illustrate this site. That would fulfill me. Because it is not my money being squandered, but still…

Axes of Evil? She belongs in the Excess of Kegel. A site for which I'd gladly pay $5.99/month to access.

4:55 am December, 4 Steve L. said...

dear HC w/o a DB in LA:

the only way you can save your delectable Eurohott from bleethdom is to challenge her to one of the following:

a) mud fight
b) pillow fight
c) poolside bikini fight

and afterward, you must forward extensive video footage of the act to me.

because my shallowness knows no bounds.

7:47 am December, 4 Whoop-di-douche said...

Hotts that like douchebags deserve a whipping.

And by whipping, I mean a horsewhip flashed into a pile of whipped cream and whooped all over their asses.

And by asses, I mean Donkey Douche.

1:12 pm December, 4 Anonymous said...

I'm sorry sweetheart but your friend is far gone. It's best to let her go because it's more likely that she will suck you into her lifestyle before you suck her out of hers. But of course both of you could suck on each others thighs and let me watch. Either way, run.

2:36 pm December, 4 El Caganer said...

I love euro hotts!!!!

3:41 pm December, 4 BillDouchiest the Wild Swine said...

One place I don't find a lot of douchebags? Japan. Bat Bags Maru is the exception to the rule, and I think he's actually Amerigaijin.

On the other hand, Hong Kong is littered with 21 year olds wearing Ed Hardy.

Leave a Reply

What is 12 + 14 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)