Monday, January 4, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

The 2009 Douchie Awards are handed out. The New Year has sproinged. It’s the first HCwDB of 2010. Welcome back! The HCwDB project continues in a new decade. I feel giddy like a school girl hopped up on Percoset.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Doucheclops

While clearly a spectacle of subhuman, perhaps alien spawn, the Doucheclops also brings many traditional douche signifiers to the Weekly.

“Rocker” hand gesture. Douche face (albeit inhuman and Satanic). Bling. Receding fauxhawk.

Add in the utterly vile tongue fungus and a healthy potted plant in the background, and we have a Weekly finalist of strong merit.

On the hott side of the equation, some in the threads have questioned the hottness of Shen Chi.

While I’ve never had the Asian Fever like some, Shen Chi is perfectly capable of holding her own in a hott contest. Pic #2, The Doucheclops and the Hipsterbag, only increases her hottsapeal.

But are they rank/hott in oppositional contradiction enough to take the Weekly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Stackhouse and Mandy/Katarina

Is Stackhouse fatigue building? Is there a Stacklash?

With a whopping six entries of poetic douche-verse in one week, a week when your narrator was mostly inebriated and enjoying tasty Hostess snack cakes, Stackhouse brings the primitive poetry of an even less coherent HCwDB legend, He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks.

But pictorially, Stackhouse is only an average choad band. His hotts in pic #1 (pictured here) are impressive. Subsequent pics brought his main squeeze, Dagny. Lost in our collective mock of Stackhouses’s poetic genius is that Dagny is quality hottness. Seen here in pic #2 and pic #3.

Then there’s Stackhouse’s love poem of dishwashing.

Finally, Stackhouse ended up posing with dudes and turkeys here and here, and, after his long poetic journey, the Stackster ends up hating Philadelphia.

Can the Stacker and the Mandy Girls Get Some in the Weekly?

A strong contender, but the backlash may be building.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Eurobrow

A truly superior HCwDB pic is about the dialectics of meaning created between the sexy boobie hottie suckle thigh of innocent hottness, and the greased up choadface of douchepoo.

The Eurobrow, Uter and Monica, have both of these elements in spades.

And by spades, I mean eyebrow shave.

With spikey fern-faux, Vanilla Ice double-shave and a fruffy Euroshirt, The Eurobrow is all that is rank in Reykjavik.

Monica has the sultry overbite of Germanic antediluvian boobosity.

She is to be celebrated. By the DB1. Humming Wagner and downing a Berliner Kindl Weisse while furtively pawing at her boobies and emiting primal moans.

Sadly, I had to pass over Reddy Vedder, in spite of the genius tan painting clip, on account of his semi-pro douche status and lack of notable hot chick. Ranger Rick just didn’t bring enough to make it. Linguini Frank also just missed the cut, although his hair will haunt my ether-induced fever dreams.

So them’s your three.

Which coupling of choad toad and booby scooby has enough spunk to inspire more lame word rhyming from your humble narrator, the DB1, in the new year?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread. And lets welcome the HCwDB project to 2010 with a bang. And by bang, I mean tasty Frosted Flakes.

# posted by douchebag1

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