Wednesday, February 3, 2010

HCwDB of the Month: Stackhouse the Poet


There could be no other. No one so far in 2010 who fully encompases the narcissism, shallowness, ignorance and obsession of the self (and tasty fried poultry) that defines douchebaggery.

Witness the run: Poetic douche-verse, 2, 3, 4, poultry 1, more poultry, The Church of Poultry, and hating Philadelphia. Pussy Crushin’ and Donating his dick to charity. WTF, he’s tryin’ to do tri’s and Get Some.

The voters speak:

Bagnonymous: Stackhouse has truly defined the month of January 2010 here at HCwDB–he’s been all over it like stink on sh*t.

doucheywallnuts: Stackhouse is an irresistible force of doucheness, akin to the forces of nature like Hurricane Katrina or the earthquake that hit Haiti. In another month, in another place and time, Supermang would get my vote. However, Stackhouse is Babe Ruth to Supermang’s Lou Gehrig, and Stack overshadows all other douches of this era. He has trumped douche looks and all the outward trappings of douche-itude by revealing his inner self. As a matter of fact, he could adopt any kind of look and he’d still be an HOF douche.

Anonymous: GET SOME… Community college

Douche Bigalow: I was leaning Gonzi until Stack summoned forth his considerable prosaic skills and produced the groundbreaking “Harvard, Wisconsin, and my 8000.00 mattress” rant Stack for honorary poet laureate because, well, anything less is just garden variety narcissistic pussy crushin’.

ted: Ugh. Normally, any of these idiots could win and there would be neither harm nor foul. But these are not normal times. To deny the walking obscenity that IS Stackhouse would be akin to denial of the moon landing, or that two plus two is four. Stackhouse. For the win. God help us all.

Evil Otto: Stack for the win of the monthly, the yearly, the decade. In fact, this vile chunk of debris needs a lifetime achievement award.

clam fist: Stackhouse for telling it like it is and living the lifestyle we all secretly want. Deep down all of you fellow basement dwellers are afraid of admitting it. We just wish any of his whobag jumpoffs would give us the time of day. thats just how this hatter rolls!

Michael Douchekakis: Stackhouse’s genes have spread long into the future. Please note in Avatar where one of the SkyPeople keeps saying “GET SOME” as he shoots at the Na’vi in the forests of Pandora. Stackhouse FTW.

little beaver: Stack wins the monthly. The other douches are just a guess. We know Stacky crushes p*ssy on the reg. Whobag jump offs are lining up for the Stack Attack and fried turkey dinners. He dishes out the prison popular HIV creampie like it’s going out of style. He is a man of high standards. F*ck water, I f*cken hate it too. How do we know all this? He told us. Get some.

El Caganer: Stackhouse FTM. He was the after Christmas gift that just kept on giving. Whobags, jump offs, mirror time, swole would not be part of our collective lexicon without him. Sure he deserves a swift kick in the crotch, but he also deserves the monthly. Get some. water at the bar.

Publius Choadius Naso: Stackhouse FTW. Because sometimes the choice is just that clear. And by “clear” I mean that if some whacked out, paranoid semiotician of a parent decided to lock their newborn in a closet and not speak to him or her for the first ten years of the kid’s life in a effort to ascertain, a la Paul Auster’s New York Trilogy, what the Adamic/pre-Tower of Babel language is–that that kid, upon being allowed out in to the world and being shown in those first moments a picture of SH, would STILL say “I see Douche.”

Merle Baggard: Stack for the monthly. Lois for Goldenest globes yearly award. Don’t forget Mandy for Hottest Girl next door in the yearly.

Vin Douchal: Stackhouse has that special quality that brings out the best in everyone else, like Magic Johnson does for coffee stores or Tim Tebow does for aborigine children. And by everyone I mean baghunters.

Wedgie: Lost in the overwhelming background noise of Stackie’s poetry and lame rebuttals to our mocking is the fact that he has shown a savant’s genius at pulling quality hotties. A virtual Raymond Babbitt of pussy crushing, poultry fondling, and misspelling, he diminishes his own legacy when texting.

The Freezer: I know it’s about the hot chicks as much as it’s about the douchebag, and Stackhouse the Poet doesn’t exactly have a consistent gal pal, but he’s simply unbeatable in this monthly. And by unbeatable, I mean worthy of being beat to death with Klondike bars, bags of frozen peas, tatter tots, Hot Pockets, and, um, a half-filled ice cube tray.

Jean Claude Van Douche: Gonzi is the downfall of western civilization… but Stackhouse makes Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings sound like Aeschylus reincarnate…
Stackhouse for the Monthly…

Wheezer: Shithouse crushes these other fat f*cks and annihilates any and all comers to his scrote throne. Poultry ‘tude FTW on the reg, and then he’ll deep throat Hurley’s gizzards to celebrate.

Dicy: Any other month I would go for Gonzi and his tragic choice of wardrobe plus his hotts are hott so everyone is a winner. But Stackhouse is a dick. And therefore I must change my original stance that we can’t base the winner(loser) on personality… because Stacky is just too tainted to let slip by on a technicality. Besides, he still looks pathetically douchie and his ladies are always quality.

Sad Party Karaoke Robot: For all you water drinking pussies out there that are anti-Stack, Get Some siemen. For the Jump off, whoabag hatters, Get Some Hurley mann-goo. I mean Stackhouse for FTW. I think that’s what I said. We need a fuccen dictionary for this retard.

It was a Stackslide. The pussy crushin’ on the reg was too much to ignore for the Yearly. The other candidates barely mustered a threat, but did find passionate defense on the grounds of verbal disqualification of the Stack, and visual supremacy of the other hottie/douchey couplings:

Douchesquire: Pablows ftw. Stack sucks and his hotts are notts. Gonzi is a retard or stuck in Halloween
Mode. Mang does not inspire the hate, for whatever reason. Its probably those lovely funbags he’s posed with.

Crazed Aborigine: My protest vote goes to Pablow, his later appearances have convinced me he isn’t a gaybag, despite my earlier posted doubts.
Artschool Tina for HoH.

Dr. DB: If it wasn’t for the poetry Stackhouse would not be a contender. My vote will follow the visual spectacle of HCWDB. As such, The diminutive Supermang is a classic, and I can’t take my eyes off of Lois’ Lanes. Supermang FTM.

Tony Ventresca: I choose Supermang and Lois. Why? He’s clearly a douchebag: bandanna, darker-on-top sunglasses, unshaven teenage facial hair pattern, big biceps and pecs (which he clearly works out too much, ignoring other muscles – look at that puny neck), HUGE wristwatch, and he’s clearly skilled at throwing down a hand signal while still gripping his cup. And he’s much shorter than the hott.

jonezy: Gonzi. May a stiff forearm be eternally shoved up his rectum. I would be amused to see him and E BLO have a stare-off contest.

Gonzi and Mandy probably would’ve won in a normal month. But this was not a normal month. So lets turn it over to Mr. Choad’s Wild Ride to explain how we got here:

Stack is a meme. He’s transcended mere pudwankery and has become something more. He’s a meme who creates memes- crushing p*ssy, fist pumping the f*ck out of 2010, poultry consumption, GET SOME! Having learned of our collective mockery, Stack never requested that DB1 remove any of his images or musings. Stack said (paraphrasing), “I see that you mock me and yet it concerns me not.” Stack embodies the qualities of the douche from not only his photographic array but also the substance of his poems. He is the archtype of the self-absorbed, soulless, hedonist douche. Thus, Stackhouse FTW.

Indeed. We’ll see this puss crusher get some water hattin’ on in the Yearly. Until then, no more Stackhouse. Like Kadebag, he’s reached his limit on HCwDB, and we move on to new mockworthy hottie/douchey couplings.

# posted by douchebag1

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