Wednesday, February 24, 2010

HCwDB of the Week: Grillzilla


In a close race between the toxic Grillzilla and The Brohawk (while Kelly Hott made her push for the Hall of Hott), the mugging of Lady Gwendolyn was too strong a bling to be denied. The voters speak:

Douche Inspector: Grizilla by a landslide. Look at that mouth, really just look at it and tell me either of the other candidates are douchier. True White Trash Inland Empire Cali douche. His girl is definitely cute and is also my favourite of the three so they clearly get my vote.

Maxim Kovalenko: Grillzilla for the win. Everything about him just screams “unemployable”, while everything about her screams “more fun than is legal in the continental United States.”

Wedgie: I have to go with the Killa Grilla on this one. If Dimples just pulls up his pants, he probably gets a notta. But Grillie will always look silly.

uscrascal: his dedication to the douche spectacle is evident, and his perseverance is supreme: filthy full-arm tattoos, sleeveless Affliction T-shirt, completely out-of-place silver chain, and ubiquitous Riverside/OC flatbill cap… also, Lady Gwen is nothing to shake a stick at… and i’d clearly shake mine at her.

Snoop Douchey Douche: Oh, this is painful. When a white boy trying his best to act black is put against a brotha trying to act white … isn’t that the plot of the “Left Behind” books?

Medusa Oblongata: In the name of the pustulent tide of douchebags who managed to turn the adolescent humiliation of a mouthful of jagged, food-catching metal parts into a fashion statement, Grillzilla FTW.

Melvil_Duchi: Grillzilla for the tatts alone but add the grill and i’m this close to punching baby ducks

Tony Ventresca: Grillzilla, simply because I can’t tell where his shirt starts and his tatoo-ed skin ends.

AV: But I gotta go with Grillzilla. He instills an urge in me to kick kittens; and Gendolyn’s apparent adoration makes me want to kick more kittens. And slap Kuala cubs. What’s she thinking? Is she thinking? These questions hound me.

MC 900 Foot Douchebag: Other two look like it’s a passing fad. Grillzilla has made it a lifestyle. We’ll see him in the posting “Grillzilla Turns 80” in a few years.

Bob: Gotta do some HCwDB math here. For the hott: Gwendolyn is a 9, Viola barely a 5, Kelly a pure 10. For the douche: Grillz is at least a 9, Brohawk a 7, and Dimples a 4. Which gives us Gwen+Grillz 18, Viola+Brohawk 12, and Kelly+Dimples 14. So although Kelly is the hotter hott (not that I wouldn’t do unspeakable things to Gwen’s underwear were she to leave them lying around, mind), Dimples isn’t douche enough to match the choadwank skillz of Grillz.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Grillzilla for the win because hitting him in the face with my shovel would only hurt my shovel and because millions of Japaneze screaming “Grillzilla” and running casually down the streets of Tokyo can’t be wrong.

Veni, Vidi, Douchey: Grillz for the win, for having all the standard douche accessories (tatts, necklace, earring, muscle shirt, dumb hat, stupid pose) plus going the extra mile and paying for the “Lil Wayne Poser Orthodonture Kitt” at Dung Pac’s Discount Dentist Emporium. Extra points because I can’t tell if Grillz is actually wearing a shirt or if that is an extended tattoo.

Pablo Sinatra: Grillz takes it hands down, because NO! NO! NO! to White Guys with Grillz! That poor girl must be hypnotized to be impressed by that.

Douche Wayne: Grillzilla FTW. Mostly because he reminds me of that feeling you got when, as a child, you were too jazzed about your haul of Halloween candy to remember to fully unwrap that Hershey’s Kiss and you bit down on tin foil, releasing 1,000,000 volts of static electricity directly into your cranium.

Well teethed, team, and the power of the late 00s Grillz as uber-scrote continues to haunt our collective consciousness like a childhood bitchslap from Uncle Marty. But Brothabag Corky, aka The Brohawk, almost won one for doucheversity:

End the Haberdouchery: Grillz are so past “cool” that I can’t even mock them anymore. My vote goes to The Brohawk. She is kind of trampy but might be worth the courses of anti-biotics. He should know better.

ehcuodouche: Gotta give the Brothabag his due. Corky is the only one who is taking this contest seriously, though with a touch of irony.

dbBen: The Browhawk. With a simple raise of the eyebrow he out-smarms Dimples, and we all feel “icky” because of it

clam fist: Brohawk and Viola. She was impressed with his ’82 Camaro and I drive a ’93 model. So that gives me a shot at her whobag jumpoff ass, right? The other hotties would probably cross the street to avoid me, if they even noticed my fat ass. Viola for her skanky goodness.

MoeDouche: It is time to elect a brotha to our mockdouchery society’s weekly honor. Besides, I want to see Viola’s curves and seductive stare later in the monthly finals….Brotha Brohawk, UR THE MAN!

It’s nice to see the Brothabags bringing some db-game to the Weekly. And by nice, I mean depressing. Sadly, while Kelly Hott makes her push for the Hall of Scrote, Dimples O’Sagg as a douche just didn’t inspire the voters:

Adrian.W.: That grin-and-grab says nothing more than ‘I might be a Douchebag, but I’m gettin away with it y’all!’ Let us crown him DBOTW and prove to Kelly what she already knew… Daddy was right about him and she won’t be driving the new Benz until she wakes up and smells the Sean John.

Dex: You don’t see a pseudo-rocker Asian douche every day, and certainly not with a semi-rockabilly hott like Kelly. What is she doing what that little turdling? This is not a paid-to-pose hot. Not some random babe that Dimples managed to snag in a nightclub for a few pictures before she ran off to powder her nose and disinfect her midsection. They’re in a kitchen together! I want to know how this happened, how one ended up in the home of the other, and who I have to shoot to fix this.

Whoop-di-douche: Such voluminous boobies can only be held up by either a springform pan designed for the heaviest New York cheesecake, or the ubiquitous and tortuous highly engineered bra. Her face is as sweet as the richest chocolate truffle, while his pointy hair is as smelly as a mound of untouched cat-food drying out in the dish.

But the grillzilla came to conquer. Lets turn it over to Publius Choadius Naso to take us home:

Grillzilla is everything this site is about: honest loathing for a broad but formulaic constellation of spectacle–like that spiderweb tattoo’s suggestion that he’s bad enough to have done time–that positions itself with the specific mission of mackin’ on teh hott.

Well said team, and a worthy winner. Chalk up the Grillz and Gwen for the Monthly and the DB1 for tasty Cheerios with extra sugar added. Why Cheerios? There was a sale at Albertson’s.

# posted by douchebag1

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