Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ask DB1: Is the Band "Nickelback" Douchey?

—-

Hey DB1,

Can you please explain, in your infinite wisdom, as to why the band, Nickelback, are douchebags? One of my friends loves the band, and I try to explain why they are douchey (cliched lyrics – for example)….Can you do a good essay-like rant like you did with Dane Cook? I’d love to hear your opinion on this subject.

It’s not that the band has no talent. They just don’t seem to want to use any of it.

Cheers mate,

Musicfanatic

—-

No essay needed, good sir. I refer thee to “Exhibit A” pictured here. Or, for more on Nickelbaggery, go here. It’s not that they’re shallow fratpuke kegger tune constructing simpletons. Heck, Hootie and the Blowfish was that. But Hootie knew what they were.

Nickelback thinks it’s something profound.

And for that, they’re a two chord in search of a resolve. They’re a sus-4 in search of pentatonic blues, with nary a bridge in sight.

# posted by douchebag1
6:20 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

The real question is: could the lead singer’s head be any bigger? Chad Kroeger’s skull is so big he has to put his tee shirts on feet first.

6:21 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he can only go into buildings with double doors.

6:21 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s melon is so big he can only give head to legless women.

6:22 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big it is physically impossible for him to ride a bicycle.

6:22 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he can’t scratch his own scalp.

6:22 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he has to shampoo with a mop extension.

6:23 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he has to lay down in the shower.

6:23 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

“You are posting comments too quickly; slow down”…..No, fuck YOU WordPress.

6:24 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he has to lay down to remember phone numbers.

6:24 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he has to drive his car dog-style with the window open.

6:25 am March, 16 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he has to do a headstand so he can eat.

6:31 am March, 16 Fatness said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big Plinky’s mom is afraid of it.

6:36 am March, 16 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he uses an entire bottle of shampoo every time he washes.

6:44 am March, 16 boatbutter said...

Excellent analogies DB1.

6:45 am March, 16 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

CK’s dome is so big it has dung-beatles instead of lice.

6:46 am March, 16 boatbutter said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big that when he had pinkeye, astronomers mistook it for Jupiter.

6:49 am March, 16 boatbutter said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big his sleep number is google

6:50 am March, 16 boatbutter said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big its specific gravity is vague.

6:51 am March, 16 boatbutter said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big the Bay of Fundi is always level.

6:52 am March, 16 boatbutter said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big it required no special effects in Outland.

6:54 am March, 16 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

CK’s head is so big and greasy, when he swims in the ocean it kills nearby water foul.

6:55 am March, 16 Mr. White said...

Nickelsack doesn’t deserve to sniff Layne Staley’s decomposing taint, and every time someone mentions AIC and Nicklebackdoor in the same sentence, as they seem to often do, Santa himself vomits with rage.

True story.

p.s. Boatbutter, you mean “googol.”

Love,

Mr. White’s alter-ego, the Math Nazi

6:56 am March, 16 massengill said...

Who the fuck refers to himself as a “music fanatic” and doesn’t know that Nickelback is douchey? If you’re not Ludwig van Beethoven, please eat poison.

6:57 am March, 16 massengill said...

Nevermind, I should have read the letter first. Party on.

7:25 am March, 16 boatbutter said...

Mr. White, “googol” indeed.

7:28 am March, 16 Bagnonymous said...

Frankly, I’m glad that Bob Costas & the NBC crew cut away from these f*ckers at the olympic closing ceremonies. If I have to hear another one of their faux-angry fist-pumping sing-alongs, I’m gonna dig up Momma Cass’s corpse and kick her in the testicles.

Oh, and by the way…

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big that it blocks the JumboTron when they play live at Cowboy Stadium.

7:39 am March, 16 Justin said...

I can’t stand Nickleback.

Chad Kroeger’s head is so damn large he uses a pool cover for a shower cap.

7:45 am March, 16 Bagnonymous said...

Witness, in the picture above: Chad had to rip the collar of his vintage-faded t-shirt to fit it over his damn head. The picture don’t lie, my friends.

7:47 am March, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so large that any attempts at swimming make him look like a nautical buoy and put him at high risk of drowning.

7:51 am March, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so large that the Israeli’s just announced they’re building settlements on it.

7:53 am March, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so large he spent three years in juvenile detention after unintentionally eating the first girl he kissed.

7:53 am March, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

And none of those were funny, so I’m going to call it a day until this caffeine kicks in.

8:04 am March, 16 Baleen said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big that his barber earns extra sky miles from Continental Airlines.

8:08 am March, 16 Baleen said...

Seriously, you’re a fuccen millionaire rock star and you’re wearing crappy t-shirt with a peace sign on it? Those were gay way back in the eighties.

8:09 am March, 16 Mr. White said...

@End the Haberdouchery

Oh, c’mon, I laughed at the Israeli one and the “eating the first girl he kissed” one. Don’t let the general relativistic effects from CK’s ginormous noggin’ distort your own self esteem.

8:10 am March, 16 saulgoode42 said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big that fisherman need to consult his whereabouts to know how it will affect the tides.

8:25 am March, 16 saulgoode42 said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big that Scott Stapp thought it was LAX and got arrested in it.

8:39 am March, 16 Condouchious say... said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he looks like an orange stuck to a toothpick.

If you like Nickelback there is no way I can respect your opinion on music. End of discussion. Daughtry too.

8:59 am March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I once saw a movie on CK’s forehead at a drive-in movie theater. True story.

9:00 am March, 16 Mr. White said...

@Bunsen

Was it Spinal Tap?

9:13 am March, 16 End the Haberdouchery said...

Mr. White,

I appreciate the love. Sometimes I feel like a boy amongst men with the consistently impressive level of funny here. On that note,

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big that a donation to Locks of Love would successfully coif all cancer victims, bald people, and half of Charles Barkley.

9:33 am March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Mr. White aka The Math Nazi

No, I think it was “300”. CK seemed to like the idea of all of those “warriors” running around with their junk so close to his mouth. If I remember correctly he liked all the scenes with Xeres the best.

9:40 am March, 16 saulgoode42 said...

There should be more threads like this.

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big that Santana swung a stick at it cause he thought it was a piñata.

9:41 am March, 16 Mr. White said...

@bunsen

I’ll let CK off the hook on Xerxes. If I remember correctly, that guy had a damn sexy (significantly digitally altered) voice. Don’t we all want to be gently caressed by a semi-mythical, multiply pierced Persian king sometimes? Don’t we?

9:42 am March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

CK’s head is so big that I just finished a successful coup and have declared myself dictator for life!

9:44 am March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Mr. White

I thought you had the Xeres costume for the playpen. No?

9:49 am March, 16 nothingman said...

It’s a shame that MTV no longer plays 4-piece rock music. Otherwise, a better, more substantial band might’ve taken NB’s place in the rotation for the better.

I guess they’re just content to not try any harder than be simple, dumb music for strip clubs. With all that success, you think they could afford to try a few more interesting things here and there.

At least we’ll always have Linkin Park!

Danny Carey has a Diablo, too. Does that make him a douchebag?

9:50 am March, 16 Douches Wild said...

I think these tools are the reincarnation of Bachman Turner Overdrive

9:59 am March, 16 Deltus said...

CK’s head is so big that a headband can only be put on him by 2 sherpas and a trained mountain goat.

10:03 am March, 16 saulgoode42 said...

Danny Carey could have an entire custom Ed Hardy drum set made for himself and still not be a douchebag. Because he is a God. And he would never do that anyway.

10:06 am March, 16 saulgoode42 said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big Danny Carey used it for a djembe and didn’t even have to hollow it out.

10:27 am March, 16 Anonymous said...

“I think these tools are the reincarnation of Bachman Turner Overdrive”

No, worse. they are the reincarnation of another Vancouver douchegroup: Loverboy – http://www.thesharkbook.com/blog/uploaded_images/loverboy-737819.jpg

Rare West Coast Canadian strain of the virus.

10:35 am March, 16 Anonymous said...

I’m from Vancouver, the adopted home town of nickleback.

Want to know how douchey nickelback is? When Chad Kroeger was arrested for DUI, he made a huge fuss about getting a special tow truck for his lamborghini so it wouldn’t be damaged. THEN in court he complained that because it took so long to get said tow truck, is created an unreasonable delay in his arrest. He was convicted.

We all know only a douchebag drives drunk. Chad Kroeger drove drunk, ero Douchebag.

11:02 am March, 16 Anonymous said...

choad kroeger

11:29 am March, 16 Chad Koeger said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he smokes weed out of a didgeridoo.

12:38 pm March, 16 Southern Scrotic said...

Chad Kroeger’s head is so big he caused The Boob Whisperer to orgasm on sight.

12:59 pm March, 16 Wheezer said...

@Mr. White –

Maybe boatbutter meant “Google” in the sense that we can find just about anything in or on Chad Kroeger’s head.

Too late for a save?

1:28 pm March, 16 Baron Von Goolo said...

I had no idea that Chris Kattan did such an excellent Russell Brand impersonation.

And yes, Chad Kroeger is built like a lollipop.

1:32 pm March, 16 Baron Von Goolo said...

someone please explain to my sorry, Luddite ass how I get my avatar back.

I hate change.

I’m not being funny. I hate change.

1:57 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

All of the above FTW. Best thread in a long time.

To answer the question simply: Yes.

To answer the question Medusa style, one only has to look at Chad Kroeger. Then picture these words coming out of the blowhole in that giant noggin. VOMIT. Yes. Superdouche.

2:02 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big, Goodyear sued him for copyright infringement.

2:04 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Would anybody like to buy some beach front property I have on CK’s head? After the coup, I figured I needed to add some revenue to the coffers lest my army tries to assassinate me.

2:04 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big he wears hot air balloons as hats.

2:05 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

CK’s head is so big they’re going to shut down the LHC and start building a new one around his. Construction will take 20 years at a cost of $798 billion but it will be worth it.

2:06 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

Hey, I like the safeguard against double-posting, nice touch, boss.

CK’s head is so big he uses monster truck tires for earmuffs.

2:06 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

CK’s head is so big he can see the end of the universe.

2:07 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big, his hair-tossing knocked the Earth back onto its axis after the Chilean earthquake knocked it off.

2:08 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

CK is so narcissistic that he thinks everything revolves around him. He’s right because the gravitational field is so strong that everything really does. Scientific fact.

2:08 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big, it takes a team of landscapers to cut his hair.

2:09 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

CK’s head is so big that Giant’s stadium is actually one of the fillings in his mouth.

2:09 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big, the US government has opened it up to Haitian refugees.

2:10 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

CK’s head is so big that he’s the only known person that can actually eat Plinky’s mom out.

2:11 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big, it takes a team of oxen to pull his razor across his face.

2:13 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big, Obama , Pelosi and Reid demanded it be redistributed.

2:13 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Shit, I’m outta CK head jokes. Keep it going Medusa.

2:14 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ck’s head is so big, offshore drilling is slated to begin in one of the pores on his nose in 2013.

2:15 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ck’s head is so big that when he develops dandruff, it’s considered a meteorological event.

2:18 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

CK’s head is so big, Pluto lost its status as a planet. And now you know.

2:24 pm March, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ BVG

go to gravatar.com and sign up. Then you can pick your avatar picture, load it, and then it should be linked to your WordPress account. It takes about 10 minutes to show up after you post something. If you have problems, give a shout.

2:37 pm March, 16 Fatness said...

You don’t need a WordPress account. It is linked to the email address you put in the box below your name. The Internet magic happens.

CK’s head is so big Steve Jobs’ ego fits into it.

6:25 pm March, 16 douche said...

chad kroeger’s head is so big that every time he sneezes he causes a tsunami.

6:32 pm March, 16 lord douchenberg said...

the only difference between chad kroegers giant head and a hot air balloon is that a hot air balloon is a lot smaller and can write better songs.

just a side note: ever notice how chad kroegers mouth looks like a huge vagina?

6:33 pm March, 16 Not That Other Anon Either said...

Sweet tapdancing Jesus on a bicycle.

Has no one noticed CONSTANTINE FUCCEN MAROULIS in the pic?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

8:32 pm March, 16 Fatness said...

Who?

Or more to the point…who cares?

8:45 pm March, 16 DarkSock said...

@ Baron:

what Dr Bunsen said. I did it whacked out on 10 year old Charter and Ambien; woke up the next morning and there was me shining bläçk fåcë. Trü ŚtØr¥….0 $hiT n. ÆmBëïn Dœ$ kikk Ń Qüï

ei tù Brùt 33 RIG…•••••>GÖMPARS

denelope memshatz,3

8:45 pm March, 16 Steve L. said...

i had been meaning to say this for a while: Nickelback is to rock what Oprah Winfrey is to TV.

apologies in advance to any Oprah fans on HCwDB.

8:47 pm March, 16 Steve L. said...

in related news, Oprah’s show will (hopefully) end by 2011!

SUCK IT BITCHES!

8:48 pm March, 16 Steve L. said...

i think my sheer malice has become genetic. which is scary.

9:01 pm March, 16 DarkSock said...

Ł

5:10 am March, 17 my friends call me @$$hole said...

you’re goddamn fuckin’a right Nickelback is a bunch of scrotes!!!! “pretty little lady with the pretty pink thong… you look so much cuter with something in your mouth” nuff said! GET SOME!!!! and when you do give Nickleback some, they need it, whatever it is…

8:38 pm March, 18 Joe Smoth said...

http://isnickelbacktheworstbandever.com/

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