Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Ask DB1: Muscles=Autoscrote?

—-

DB1,

Is being ‘jacked’ or ‘ripped’ a rebuttable douche presumption? Does the presence of copious amounts of muscles shift the burden of proof onto the ‘hunted’ to present evidence that they are not a douche?

I say yes.

In my opinion, the ‘bag in many of the fine pictures on your site escalates several levels with this feature.

But are there other levels involved? For instance, is the presumption merely due to the awareness of the physique, meaning that the presumption does not fall upon the subject unless there is flexing, or a extremely tight shirt, or lack of shirt completely?

Might I draw your attention to an example. Take for example the seminal, but genuinely sad case of HCwDB v. Pumpy, 17 D.B. 02 (2007). There, there was an unmistakable presumption of ‘bag thrust upon the subject. But as you have aptly explained, the subject asserted, in my opinion, the most effective anti-douche affirmative defense, being able to take a joke with good humor and humility.

But is this a case by case basis, or do we have a rule of law here?

Respectfully,

B.A.G. du Bois

—-

Ubermuscle is not autobag, but it does shift the burden of proof of a nottabag onto the pumped up schlort so displaying his physiognomic wares. I would mark Pumpitude as a highly suggestive, but not proven, douchal signifier. An early warning sign that “Here There May Be Scrote.”

# posted by douchebag1
1:48 pm March, 17 Crucial Head said...

I am extremely happy to report that my muscles will NEVER be mistaken as a douchal signifier.

You can read into that what you may.

2:02 pm March, 17 jonezy said...

is peeing in butts autoscrote?

2:07 pm March, 17 scrotum pole said...

“Step right up folks, Every one’s a winner! Just lift this M1-Abrams off the ground, and win the little lady a stuffed panda!’

2:14 pm March, 17 Zorro said...

I don’t think muscles make autoscrote. I mean, she’s squatting what, 250 lbs. of porch beef? That is one strong ass chick.

With nice boobs.

And a jelly dong eating panda.

Who wouldn’t want a jelly dong eating panda?

2:29 pm March, 17 Anonymous said...

I’d say that just being a big-ass dude is not enough to warrant auto-douche status. But tat-sleeves, oversized sunny-Gs and multicolor spikey hair does.

The problem with muscle swell is that it more often than not induces psychological effects of Quixscrotal, which is a very, very steep slippery slope to Douchedom. Like, the Lohtse Face covered in WD-30 steep/slippery. It’s one thing to be in shape. It’s quite another to push that shape in everyone’s face until I have to take you out at the knees with a tire iron.

2:48 pm March, 17 tballou said...

Muscles are not auto-douche, but muscles combined with tats, wifebeater tshirt, and/or bling definitely are douche.

3:02 pm March, 17 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Interestingly, my dearly departed paterfamilias (a WWII veteran, wounded by kamikaze shrapnel and much more of a man’s man than his “I hate it when Starbuck’s get the temperature wrong on my double soy, chai latte” son), thought all tatts were stupid (but at least a macho male signifier), while muscles (and by association muscle-building) the hallmark of what he derisively referred to as “cupcakes” and “sissies.” “Real men don’t work out, they work,” he would tell me…as he winced at yet another of my feeble attempts at anything athletic.

Could it be that the wimpier we’ve become as a society, they more important these scrotal signifiers become? Just a thought.

Excuse me now while I retire to my needlepoint.

3:15 pm March, 17 NotThatAnon said...

It takes a lot of dedication, nutrition, supplements and ‘roids to get particularly big, so it’s getting pretty close to the line there.

Fun fact: most Navy Seals are not huge. Guys with a lot of muscle bulk usually don’t have great cardio+endurance.

Most of the lifter guys I’ve met were douches.

@Choad The Douche Sprocket: There was this guy at the gym once. War vet. Must’ve been at least 60. Not an ounce of fat on the guy. While the gang of mooks is over fist-pumping the shit out of their dumbells on the freeweight benches, this wiry old codger jumps up onto the pull-up bar and proceeds to knock out what must’ve been 10+ straight minutes of pull-ups (not chin-ups) with no breaks at all. By the end of it, everyone on that side of the gym was staring and awestruck. He gets down & starts jogging around the track like what he did was just no big deal!

3:30 pm March, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

I was actually discussing this with my coworkers, who are very much into fitness like myself. The thing is there is this issue of proportion, as NotThatAnon mentions, which the bodybuilding scrote has abandoned. And that brainless abandonment of those golden proportions which define the human being mark an unmistakable decay into scrote-ville.

Sure, the bodybuilder may display some mitigating factors, and they can defend themselves in a fair trial where their ungainly corpus should be hebeased for the world to see and mock. Were they in prison the last ten years? Even so, it is those exceptions which prove the rule.

3:32 pm March, 17 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Yes, I think the DeebOne is right. It is a start that needs a finish.

3:36 pm March, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

From where this gorgon sits, I’d say no. Getting into that kind of shape requires a lot of discipline. However, getting into that kind of shape with ‘roids and then drinking yourself stupid every night and living on drive-thru food makes you a dipshit. Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee are rather average sized men. However, they do the kind of work that makes for strength in all areas, including mental. And I’ll second Choad TWS’s pappy and assert that the muscles of a steelworker are infinitely more fearsome than that of a gym rat. Workout muscle has size, work muscle has real-world application, kicking ass being one. Better to take care of one’s self, be healthy and not abuse the one body you’ve been given. However, dudes like this are only doing it for the poon. Therefore, DOUCHE.

3:49 pm March, 17 massengill said...

As NotThatAnon was saying, getting as big as this guy makes you strong, but I doubt terribly athletic. Probably can’t run very fast or for a very long time. On the other hand, this dude could totally smother his gf to death on accident during sex, so he’s got that going for him.

3:52 pm March, 17 RAPETIME said...

You know, maybe I just don’t get out that much, but this is the first time I’ve seen a woman with YELLOW (like a goddamn Crayola crayon yellow) hair.

Hope she’s happy with her stuffed panda; from the looks of Muscles McSleeve, she’ll get a lot more interesting conversation out of the panda than him.

4:05 pm March, 17 Dex said...

There’s two sides to being a beefcake. You’ve got people that get all uber-buff to show off and attract the ladies, and people that work out and get huge to feel good and preform better. Is Michael Phelps a douchebag because of his physique? No! He’s a douche because of… absolutely everything else about him. The muscles are there for function, not form. Bruce Lee had washboard abs, and although his cockiness was clearly an inspiration for the MMA and fraternity douchebags of today, I think it’s pretty clear that he wasn’t ripped to impress people. He was ripped so he could make millions of dollars beating the piss out of people on camera.

I will admit that when I work out, my purpose is dual-sided. On one hand, it’s always nice to draw looks from girls when you take your shirt off (in an appropriate social context, not for a photo-op), but my main goal is to stay healthy and get a good endorphin kick going.

It’s rare to find a beefcake that is truly clear of douchebag taint. It requires purity of mind and soul. But they ARE out there. You just don’t tend to see them all that often because all the beef-bags are busy hogging all the media attention.

4:14 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

I agree with the regs here and to reiterate, douche is a state of mind. Medusa draws an important comparison between the muscles of a roid bag and a steelworker. Proportion and definition are the key. If you watch those old strongman competitions on ESPN where they lift cars and shit; those guys are just big dudes with no definition but strong as an ox. Most of the choads on this site isolate their muscle groups and inflate them way out of proportion i.e. Pumpy. Granted, he did have a sense of humor about the whole thing. If Bruce Lee wore a three piece suit, chances are that one wouldn’t discern his real physical strength. A douche on the other hand, feels the need to wear tight revealing clothes in order to display his vanity. Add shitty tats and all the other accoutrements and you have a full blown stage three.

I never really worked out much usually because I was stoned out of my mind but these days my left forearm and wrist are disproportionate to my right and the skin of my left palm stays baby soft. Oh, I know… anyhoo…

4:44 pm March, 17 Tanath said...

seems like a totality of the circumstances factual determination on a case by case basis standard to me…

5:04 pm March, 17 doucheywallnuts said...

Muscles in a tank top or beater, especially in an inappropriate setting – night club, church , little league game, not shit hole restaurant – should set off a warning claxon that doucheness is nigh. However, if said muscles are clothed in a garment that are not of the sign of the douche, auto-doucheness is not a fait accompli…

Muscle head in a beater at his son’s Little League game = auto douche. Muscle head in an “I Cook With Spam,” t-shirt and the same game = nott-necessarily-a-douche. Muscle head in Ed Hardy t-shirt anywhere = always-a-douche…

Tattoos of the vintage variety as someone noted in a previous post are not defacto douche-itude. WWII and other wartime/military vets should not be tarred and feathered with the same hateful brush reserved for those who are veterans of nothing more significant than wearing too much Axe body spray and having downed one-too-many Red Bull and vodkas.

5:20 pm March, 17 scrotum pole said...

What kind of workout regime did Popeye the Sailor have?

Dude’s forearms were like King Kong, yet he had biceps like an Ethiopian refuge.

A more important question is this:

Is that panda trying to suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

5:55 pm March, 17 massengill said...

Okay I’ll bite.

@ TOR

HAHA YOU’RE SO BORING BECAUSE YOU TROLL JUST LIKE ALL OTHER TROLLS CALLIN EVERYBODY FAGGOT HAHA MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE TROLLING MORE SERIOUSLY SO PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY THEN THEY WILL TALK TO YOU BUT YOU ARE LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LIKE ALL THE TWILIGHT MOVIES BEING PLAYED ALL AT THE SAME TIME INSIDE OF DENTISTS OFFICE WAITING ROOM YOU SO BORING YOU SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK YOUR MOMS PENIS NOT EVEN CAUSE SHE FORCED YOU TO BUT YOU VOLUNTEERED OH SHIT TOO BAD THEY MOVED JAY LENO FROM 10 O’CLOCK OTHERWISE I WOULD WATCH HIM RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE IS FUNNIER THAN YOU

6:03 pm March, 17 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I argue that ANY muscle attained with ILLEGAL substances is AUTO-BAG. Crazy, over developed muscles developed with legal substances is a coin flip. Mainly it all comes down to what’s in the soul. I have to argue anyone willing to pump themselves full of illegal crap to cause muscle growth is already a douchebag with or without the muscles. Those who work out to be healthy and in shape can go either way. Also, if you’re muscled AND on Jersey Shore it goes without saying…

6:40 pm March, 17 Wedgie said...

^^Wow. Looks like I missed something.

Just stopped in to say “nice tank”. Wish I had one for rush hour in SoCal.

Ok, gotta go drink the obligatory green beer.

Pog ma hoin, Troll. In honor of St. Patrick.

6:52 pm March, 17 DarkSock said...

Caption:

“Tanks for the mammaries”.

sorry.

7:09 pm March, 17 Troy Tempest said...

The Economy of Reality: Dialectic Baggery and Scrotism

1. Madonna and Marxism

The characteristic theme of Pumpy’s analysis of contextual rhetorical baggery is a dialectic reality. It could be said that the primary theme of the works of Stackhouse is the role of the artist as reader. Gator suggests the use of non-dialectic ass-hattery to deconstruct his homosexual identity.

However, any number of discourses concerning the collapse, and thus the dialectic, of Greico Viral infection in a debased society exist. Samurai Scrote states that we have to choose between contextual rhetorical baggery and pre-contextual desublimation of the id, if we are to make any sense out of the fuckwittery evident in musclebound retards.

It could be said that Lacan promotes the use of semiotic narrative to challenge douchebaggery. The premise of samurai Scrote holds that class, somewhat surprisingly, has intrinsic meaning, but only if the bleeth portends, revealing a Heideggerian predeliction for the Eschaton of history: the Scrotewank.

2. Expressions of paradigm

If one examines contextual rhetorical baggery , one is faced with a choice: either reject civilisatin or conclude that the media is intrinsically imbricated in the development of douche values. Therefore, if contextual rhetorical baggery theory holds, we have to choose between porchbeef and cultural discourse. The subject is interpolated into a textual neosemioticist theory that includes the boobies and fwapping as a totality.

“Reality is responsible for the status quo,” says Debord. However, Pumpy suggests the use of contextual rhetorical baggery to modify and attack society may not be effective as simply taking lysol to one’s retinas. The premise of contextual rhetorical baggery theory implies that consciousness serves to reinforce capitalism, per Gator.

But a number of narratives concerning contextual rhetorical baggery may be discovered. Baudrillard uses the term ‘douchebag’ to denote not desituationism, but postdesituationism.

Thus, Brophy suggests that we have to choose between contextual rhetorical baggery theory and deconstructivist horseshit. The main theme of Sargeant’s critique of contextual rhetorical baggery is the difference between reality and class.

But if the subtextual paradigm of context holds, we have to choose between dialectic baggery and dialectic reason. Contextual rhetorical baggery theory states that society has objective value, and that the douchebag / bleeth syntagm renders the project of the Enlightment a meaningless joke.

7:12 pm March, 17 Troy Tempest said...

Also, that tank is an old decommissioned M60.

Yippee.

7:25 pm March, 17 Captain Bringdown said...

I don’t care how big your muscles are, if you’re sharing your girlfriends hair coloring, you may as well have “Men’s Room” tattooed over your asshole.

7:31 pm March, 17 Douchesweeper said...

–Wow this guy is definitely worthy of full douchebag status. I bet his nuts are the size of raisins

7:39 pm March, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

Copious amounts of tatts on the copious muscles means just another unoriginal copycat making the douche-scene. Coral-shirt gal needs to corral this scrote.

7:51 pm March, 17 Douchesweeper said...

Aside from the slight hair mishap this girl seems way too cute and normal 4 this douche

8:22 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

8:45 pm March, 17 Scrotus Maximus said...

If I may add my thoughts and comments, as unworthy as they may be:

The muscles are distinctly NOT an indicator. In fact, the douchiest of scrotes and puddiest of choads typically have loads of bling, tats, freak hair and epilectic gestures while COMPLETELY LACKING in any redeeming physical attributes, including but not limited to clear skin, good looks, intelligent expressions, or a healthy physique.

The case in point, however, is clearly a pudwank of the first rank. Note the tats, the wifebeater shirt, the sunglasses to hide his cross-eyed stare of vacant and vapid non-sentience, and the greased, carefully groomed, tip-highlighted and crested ‘do.

The Wheel of Fortune will turn on this butt-oggling douchewad, such that by the time he hits 50 he’ll make Erkel look like Clint Eastwood.

9:21 pm March, 17 Anonymous said...

That douche is one ugly fucker, just looks fat to me. He probably figured he had to cover himself with douche tattoos so he could get some pussy.

9:38 pm March, 17 pv1 said...

Poor, poor panda.

9:44 pm March, 17 pv1 said...

I miss my avatar. You know what I don’t miss? The trolls.

9:51 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

This Troll makes Boston Douchebag look like Marcel Proust. Happy Pats BDB!

9:58 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

This troll is a beta test sent by Lord Xenu from a galaxy many light years away.

10:02 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

This troll like to employ electric buttplugs on himself powered by Husqvarna.

10:02 pm March, 17 DarkSock's Mangravy said...

OUQWHEF HKYPYG6 WHFQFN!! LOL QSE234E98Y8 MNXBNVS9LMFAO!! 9HWBKB.

Furthermore, I peed in a horse once.

10:07 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

This troll peed in a nutria once.

10:11 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

This troll likes to chafe his erect penis with fine grain sand paper and then soak the flaccid version in a bowl of warm Tanqueray Gin.

10:21 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

Like chimps typing out Shakespeare, this troll channels Jaques Derrida’s “Of Grammatology”.

10:23 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

This troll’s favorite movie is “War Games” starring Matthew Broderick.

10:30 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

This troll ties used condoms end to end and slowly digests the latex floss until it creeps from his ass whereby he purifies himself.

10:30 pm March, 17 douchebag1 said...

Hey team, sorry about the Troll. Am still trying to adjust the filtration system on the new tank. Also will be upgrading some regs to mods when we unveil 2.0, and they’ll have the power of the “delete” and “ban” as well. Good times to come, my crack HTML team is final coding the new designs…

– management

10:36 pm March, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Don’t call them Trolls. That’s how they feed.

Well, that and off the floors of freeway-side adult arcades.

10:39 pm March, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Oh crap, I just referred to the troll. Auuuuugh!!!! Now I’m feeding it!

Oh no, I said it again!

Aaugh, I said it again!

Ugh! I keep saying it!

10:41 pm March, 17 douchebag1 said...

Hey I just promoted a bunch of you to something called “Contributor.” Not sure what it is but I think you can preview, edit and delete posts now. Let me know if you see any changes-

– Management

10:48 pm March, 17 Wedgie said...

Poopie.

10:49 pm March, 17 Crucial Head said...

I feel like Neo… after he took the 750ml of Maker’s Mark pill.

Whatever that means.

It looked different when I logged in.

10:57 pm March, 17 Crucial Head said...

Oh shit!

DB1!! Put some clothes on dude!! I can see inside your apartment now. And you weren’t lying about that rug either you sonuvabitch.

Where Elizabeth Banks??

Anyways, I can see your WordPress homepage, but I don’t think I can delete comments. Which may be a good thing since I would probably delete most of my own comments after re-reading that sheezy.

11:02 pm March, 17 Baleen said...

Neo, you gotta do something about those sentinels!

11:02 pm March, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Just give me the power to delete Troy’s comments, and I’ll be oh so joyous.

Not that I would actually delete any of his comments, but I would lord it over him constantly.

11:11 pm March, 17 Crucial Head said...

Boss,

I can log in as an Admin. From there, I can view your home page and settings, but I can’t ‘edit’ any of comments. Perhaps that is for the best. Mayhaps we should just have a special Bat-Channel whereby we could email you with to alert you of such dangers?? … errrr… damn… how do I put this non-nerdy? Uhh…

11:23 pm March, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!

I’m such an idiot…

11:53 pm March, 17 Steve L. said...

to his credit, Pumpy did not have stupid tatts on his muscles.

that’s how you differentiate.

4:00 am March, 18 Bagneto said...

allow myself to introduce… myself…

long time reader… first time commentator… love the underlying philosophical dimension of the site.

plenty of scrote to mock out here in Seoul, South Korea of the oriental and US-military variety… and plenty of hotts as well.

I delivered pizza at the Jersey Shore (Mr. D’s in Wildwood) in the summer of 2005. So, in the world of douche-mockery… i’m as battle hardened as Lorenz Tate in “Dead Presidents.”

4:03 am March, 18 Bagneto said...

side note… they will begin airing Jersey Shore Season 1 out here starting next week… Buddha frowns.

4:48 am March, 18 Blair said...

It’s not necessarily the muscles that render the choad “scrote until proven nottabag”. Rather, it’s the need to show them off. You can be super-ripped and wear normal shirts. I’ve seen it done.

5:21 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

I don’t think muscles themselves dictate scroteness, but covering up said muscles with tat-sleeves pretty much does the trick.

She, on the other hand, has some very nice-looking dairy muscles.

5:38 am March, 18 Colossus of Choads said...

This pic makes no sense…

5:46 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

@ Bagneto:

Welcome. Get yourself some high-proof alcohol, some black tar heroin, and a grapefruit spoon so that you can gouge out your eyeballs. There will come a time when you need all three. ..and we call it, “Stackhouse.”

6:03 am March, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Bagneto

Welcome. Looking forward to your insights and commentary.

6:26 am March, 18 Deltus said...

Strongest guy I know does work out, and his physique is indeed awesome, but he’s not as bulgy huge as ‘bags like in this picture are. He can still buy a suit off the rack. I’d even go so far as to say that super-bulge is auto-douche, whereas just muscle bulge is an indicator needing further proof of choad. Pumpy was a douchebag, just a special kind of self-aware and likable one the likes of which I don’t think we’ve seen since. But to get as huge as Pumpy takes ‘roids, and that is auto-douche as well. Just my opinion, though.

6:34 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

Great; the sheriff needed some deputies. I would just advise the deputies to not turn into Barney Fifes.

Tiresome 15-year-old ass itches like T.O.R. need to get zapped; witless bear-baiting racist drivel that distracts from the site and lessens the experience. Good riddance, cockkless.

But the Boston Douchebags (dick), the bleethe backlash letters and even the clueless spambot handbags-for-less posts do provide grist for our mills.

6:34 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

The mills in our pants.

7:25 am March, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

I’m also a fan of functional strength. The woman in this picture for instance. She’s obviously about 6’3” and strong as hell to hold up a living panda and this asshole trying to bring her down from behind. She could break me any day.

7:26 am March, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

Hey Db1, what’s up with the timestamps on comments? It’s 8:38 on the left coast and my timestamp is off by an hour and 13 minutes. Did you make a new time zone?

8:08 am March, 18 jonezy said...

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (until someone gives me some props)

DB1 needs to monicker the next Pumpy as “How I MetRx your Mother”

shit. I’m pretty certain I’m still drunk

8:16 am March, 18 massengill said...

@ Bagneto

Great name.

9:07 am March, 18 Deltus said...

TRRL1PMV: I’m just taking a wild guess here, but I bet you’re down with the Clown. Am I right?

9:28 am March, 18 Deltus said...

*writes down notes in notebook*

I see, TROLL. I’m betting that you really, really enjoy MMA and using the words “gay” or “faggot”. Hmm… tell me about your relationship with your mother.

(LINK IS IN MY NAME ^ LOL)

10:36 pm March, 18 Anonne Huntress said...

No, it’s not autoscrote, but it’s a huge sign.

I think, though, that there is a big difference from a guy who is lean but ripped, from one who is huge, bloated and ripped. A swimmer like Michael Phelps – his body is healthy, and looks great. Face, not so much, but hey… 🙂 But there is no reason to think that guy is a douche just because his body is hard in a good way. It takes the other stuff: fauxhawks, tribal tatts, too much bling, popped collars, etc. to take it to the next level.

Now, if you look like our dearly departed Pumpy, that’s almost a sure sign, but again, it takes other things to confirm. You’d need to look like the Poopaloompa or do doucheous things in the photo to confirm.

10:38 pm March, 18 treasure said...

I tend to go with YES! guys who workout for vanity are DB’s. If you into sports that’s different. but gymrat=douche.

4:35 am March, 22 Legion said...

I can’t believe I missed the Pandas and Panzers festival again!

(The tank is a Leopard 1. What? I’m into tanks.)

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